Mr. Vampire should be here any moment now, let's get ready.

One pill, another, ungodly long names she cared nothing about. Constant aching gave way to narcotic warmth, her weight suddenly cut in half.

Alright, finally felt like a person again, time to wait for Vlad.

Hell of a personality that one. Very few topics he didn't know something about, his thought process never went down below mach two, and he really, really committed to his vampire schtick. The quintessential creature of mid-naughts forum culture. She couldn't bemoan him at all, it was really funny and unironically quite cool to see him be as genuine as he was in his every letter.

Even though Darcy did kinda wish that he'd gotten a bit more serious once the topic of visiting her in person came up. She didn't have too long left to live, and that was the main reason she'd even agreed to a visit like that after all. Never quite managed to make any "real life" friends, much to her mother's whining. Almost all the ones she did have, be it through chatrooms or penpal sites, lived too far to be able to visit- but not Vlad.

He was even more excited than usual once they had finally figured out a concrete date. She could tell by the wobbles in his usually impeccable penmanship. It was cute in a way, enough so that Darcy had no idea whether she'd prefer him to get real with her or to keep the full extent of his persona for his entire visit.

It'd be very amusing either way, no doubt about that.

ding-doooong!

A couple glances down to see if she hadn't inadvertently gotten something on this shirt. No stains, no blood, all clear. A very homely outfit, but if his in-person self would be anything like his penpal persona, Vlad wouldn't mind one bit.

Let's give him a warm welcome.

"Vlad, hey! Goodness, it's so cool to finally meet you!"

His outfit was exactly as extra as everything else about him. Coat going all the way down to his ankles, long gloves, tall shoes- all leather, all black. Large shades, black face mask, the widest brimmed fedora she'd ever seen, three guesses as to its shade and the first two don't count. Skin the color of chalk.

Mismatched pendant with a blue, glittering gemstone.

"Darcy, it is most based to see you doing alright!"

He even had the stereotypical vampire acce- based?

"...based?"

"Oh! I misunderstood the meaning of that one in the end! The slang is truly getting even better and harder to fully grasp these days!"

"I have no idea what that word even means."

"Ha! I have underestimated how 'online' I have gotten! Amusing! Cringe of me to do! May we come in?"

Ludicrously online indeed- and there was the one thing she wanted to ask about.

"Come right in Vlad, make yourself at home. Didn't take you for a 'royal we' kind of person, ha! Tea?"

Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.

"Thank you, I shall not make myself at home! Nor will I take the offer of tea, but it is tremendously appreciated! And you were correct in that assessment!"

His walking was really off. The start and end of each step were sluggish, the middle was so fast she could barely catch it, evening out to a roughly average speed. She'd joked before that he was seventeen quirks stacked on top of each other in a trench coat, and it was baffling how well that description fit. Since he was going all in with it, might as well play along-

"Pfft, got a band of thralls following you?"

"They are ghosts and not thralls and a hundred and six is way outside the usual definition of 'band', but otherwise correct!"

"Ghosts, huh? Where'd you get them from? Pass them my greetings in any case."

"Darcy passes forth greetings, everyone! They are elated and love your decor, immensely appreciated novelty! Edwardian! Unmistakable cladding! Radical! We loved that front porch!"

One hell of a roundabout way to commend her decor, but she wasn't complaining. Plus, watching him pay close attention to almost every little bit of furniture was incredibly amusing, even if it meant he took his sweet time actually sitting down in the living room.

"Gorgeous bookcase, mahogany! Treat for the eyes of us all!"

"Heh, they don't go out much?"

"They have to accompany me, and I indeed scarcely leave my home! We appreciate your hospitality greatly!"

"Accompany you huh? Why so?"

"The curio on my neck was constructed to trap mortal souls for use in witchcraft!"

Considering that 'doing a bit' was half of Vlad's personality with the whole vampire schtick, she really shouldn't have been surprised to see him commit to another one so readily.

"Soul-trapping pendant, huh. Where'd you get it from?"

"It was made by a sixth-century Berber lich! It then changed hands repeatedly until ending up in my possession during the hundred years' war!"

Darcy nodded approvingly at such a description, admiring the creativity. He'd make for a good DM, assuming he already wasn't DMing somewhere.

"Neat! Can't imagine a warlock like that being all too keen on parting with an artifact like that to begin with."

"It did not work as designed! The souls can move on whenever they want and stay for as long as they want!"

"So they can just walk wherever? Can get one hell of a friend circle going."

"Untrue, my friend circle is very small in diameter! They cannot walk too far away to my utmost sorrow!"

"Why'd they wanna stay then? Sounds like they're trapped."

"Not everyone is ready to move on! Until they do, they have to accompany me, and I indeed scarcely leave my home! We appreciate your hospitality greatly, it is very baller!"

"That socially anxious eh?"

"The opposite in fact! I merely cannot go where I am not welcome! This trip has been the first occasion for which I left my dwelling in months!"

She had not a shred of idea whether this was a joke or a genuine admission.

"Really? I know your hobbies are mostly indoor ones, all hundreds of them, but to that extent?"

"I am unfortunately constrained by very few penpals ever inviting me to their homes!"

"And by very few you mean...?"

"Tens out of thousands I have corresponded with over the centuries!"

Anti-aging beauty products are quite something nowadays, but come on.

"Really taking 'living like a vampire' to the next level aren't you?"

"I have never used the word 'like' while describing my vampirism, I am positive about that!"

Used in the literal meaning no, implied it all around yes, including here and now. She wasn't entirely sure how much more insistence it would take for this schtick to go from charming to unnerving. It was starting to veer in that direction, but it wasn't quite there yet.

Still, it'd be nice to get a clarification about how the human underneath it all really felt and whether he needed to talk about anything.

"Vlad, could we have some serious talk right now?"

"I am always entirely serious!"

"C'mon, bear with me for a moment."

"I am incapable of lying, Darcy!"

Sigh, not gonna be breaking that one down anytime soon was she.

"Fine, fine. What, came all the way over here just to feast on me or something?"

"The news of your diagnosis has greatly saddened me, I value your companionship greatly Darcy! Hence, I came over to offer you a way forward on your own terms! And I assure you I have already eaten today! I feel a bit insulted that you would accuse me of planning such an act on you!"

Guess within the context of his running act such an accusation would be rather fucked up huh.

"I'm sorry, didn't mean to offend."

"Everything is perfectly tubular Darcy, worry not! I hope my offer of shelter within this pendant sounded to your liking!"

She took a deep sigh, exasperation really beginning to show off on her face. This whole topic has been steadily veering further towards upsetting and she knew Vlad was better than this.

Alright, let's get this over with and switch tracks over to something more pleasant.

"Yep, sounds good! Can we-"

"Based!"

BWOOSH!

Vlad's attention didn't rest on the blue flash emanating from his pendant for long. Within moments, he was back to admiring Darcy's house decor and making mental notes of all the books she had on hand- he knew what he'd be ordering next! His movement was as glib as ever, effortlessly moving from one corner of the building to another, not wanting to waste any time- even though he knew he had a decent bit of it to spare.

It would be at least a couple days until Darcy's body would start to reek, after all.