When I finally had my first thought after what seemed like forever, the blackness was still here.
But luckily, the pain was gone.
The only problem was.... I couldn't feel anything.
Nothing.
I couldn't feel my eyelids to lift them.
Couldn't feel my fingers to move them.
My body and thoughts had become completely separate.
Was I dead?
Did I actually die?
But after a moment more of thinking and trying to move something, I realized that I could actually feel something.
It was heaviness.
I wasn't dead.
My body was just so exhausted that I was unable to muster any energy to move anything.
And of course, with that thought, I sucked in a large breath and realized I was still breathing.
With being unable to open my eyes, I focused on the sounds and sensation around me.
I could hear myself breathing.
I could feel my heart beating and my chest raising and falling with each breath.
I could taste some blood in my mouth.
I could feel the cold surface of my tub against my skin.
As the sensation of the tub registered I was able to move my fingers.
And then my hand.
And then slowly, I was able to open my eyes.
It was difficult.
They seemed to be glued shut.
When I was finally able to pry one open, the darkness slowly receded.
The light from the lantern was still glowing in the shower room.
A light yellow that gave everything a soft cozy feel.
Or it should have.
When the blur finally cleared after blinking a few times, the scene that unfolded was anything but cozy.
Glancing down at my body, it was completely dark.
Almost as if someone had thrown me in a tub of dark colored paint.
My skin, what I could see of it, was completely covered and my clothes were drenched.
I stared at the view blankly.
I wasn't able to fully understand what I was actually seeing.
As far as I knew, I had been in my sweatpants and tank and there was no reason for my skin or clothes to be completely covered.
I closed my mouth and tried to breath through my nose, that was stuffy for some reason, when I smelled it.
That copper or slightly fishy smell.
That smell of blood.
I don't know why it took me so long to process that.
I could already taste the blood in my mouth when I first woke up, but I had assumed I had injured something during the pain.
It didn't make sense that the entirety of my body, down to my blood soaked white socks, would have bled.
Like a switch had been flipped, the understanding finally sunk in.
How am I still alive if I bled this much?
How damaged was my body for it to have bled this much?
How did I end up this way?
What happened?
I remember sitting there and trying to remember what happened.
The electricity had gone out.
I had checked with the neighbors and we all had lost it.
We couldn't use our phones or anything.
We were all panicking a little.
I had decided to stay in my shower room for a few days.
I loaded up on food and water and then curled up in the tub to help take my mind off the restlessness.
Then the pain had hit.
There wasn't any explanation.
There wasn't any loud sound or event that signaled the beginning.
It just happened.
Out of nowhere.
Did this happen to everyone?
How long was I like this?
My thoughts were all over this place during this time, but I was also just so tired.
You know the dead tired feeling you get after something traumatic, like a car accident?
Yea, it felt like that.
I tried to move my hand but I didn't have enough strength to lift it.
The thought of being paralyzed kept popping up in my brain so I couldn't help myself and kept trying to move.
This, of course, added to the fatigue and I ended up giving up.
I stared at the ceiling for a bit before I slowly drifted back to sleep.
Waking up again this time was more intense as I groaned from the soreness I felt.
I was able to move my body again but everything fucking hurt.
Even blinking my eyes hurt.
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My dudes.
Bruh. Sis.
This shit fucking hurt.
I picked up my phone and checked the date, seeing that I had been out for three days.
Three fucking days.
I had briefly wondered if I should call for an ambulance since my condition obviously wasn't right but with the cell towers down, it was useless.
My skin and clothes protested as I peeled myself off the tub.
Everything had been glued to the tub by the blood that had dried.
My skin was dyed red and my clothes were stiff and crunchy.
It was gross and flaky.
And the smell.
Fuck me, that smell was awful.
I glanced around and wondered if I would be able to take a shower or bath.
I pulled everything out of the tub and took a bottle of water to wash it out before the smell attracted god knows what.
It didn't take as long as I thought as most of my clothes had sucked most of it up anyway.
Pulling everything off was difficult as it was plastered to me but after struggling a bit, I was finally able to pull them off.
Looking in the mirror on a normal day for me wasn't the happiest of moments to begin with, but seeing myself painted red in my own blood made that sentiment even more so.
I looked like I was a character in some badly written low-budget horror movie where their motto was the "more blood the better".
I had bled from every pour on my body.
There wasn't a place anywhere on my body where I didn't bleed.
As if every cell really had exploded.
Who lives after something like this?
You guys wouldn't know about that shit since you didn't have to go through it.
But it obviously fucking sucked.
I used as much water as I could from my bottled water that had to fill my sink and scrubbed myself as best I could.
I had to swap out the water and refill it four times, using like 10 bottles, since there had been so much blood.
I was able to even was my hair so I felt like a totally new person once I was done.
As the great men of "Outkast" once sang, I felt "So fresh and so clean, clean."
Don't know them?
Ha.... I am not old. I am not old.
Just fuck me, I guess.. sigh
After getting clean, I changed my clothes and ate a small cereal bar then made my way out the bathroom.
The curtains were still closed on my windows and with the electricity out it was hard to see but I knew the way well enough to stumble in the right direction.
I reached the window and leaned against the wall to peek out the curtain, slowly lifting it a crack just enough for a glimpse.
The bright light was shocking to my eyes.
Fuck me bright.
Blinking away the tears, I peeked a look outside expecting to see some horror filled hell but the sky was blue and the birds were flying around like everything was sunshine and rainbows.
I could still see the buildings across the street.
And the buildings behind those.
Nothing seemed all that out of place except for the fact that there were no lights.
I opened the curtain a bit wider and the world outside seemed no different from before.
I swallowed my nervousness and decided to take a closer look outside.
Unlocking the door felt like I had made the loudest fucking sound in the world and everything and everyone heard it from miles around.
I stood frozen for a moment and waited and listened for any other sounds that could mean something dangerous.
But after standing like a statue with my heart pounding out my chest, nothing happened.
Opening the door slowly and as quietly as I could, I ducked down and creeped out onto the balcony.
It was quiet.
Like really fucking quiet.
I could hear and see the birds, but I didn't hear any people.
No cars.
No bikes.
No voices of any humans.
Just the wind lightly blowing and the sounds of birds as they flew around everywhere.
Crouched down below the railing, I lifted my head to peer over the side.
Empty.
The streets were completely empty.
I glanced at the balconies and building across from me, trying to see if I could see any movement or sign of life and there was nothing.
The bright blue and sunny sky and the empty streets devoid of all signs of life sent shivers down my spine.
The hair rose on my arms and the urge to run far far away as quickly as possible overwhelmed me to the point of tears.
Have you ever had that moment when you know deep in your heart that something terrible has happened?
Yea, I had gone through some shit myself but did that mean it happened to everyone?
Not necessarily.
And even if it did, would there be no signs of life everywhere?
I didn't think so.
But what I was seeing... was telling me that something very bad had happened and it had happened to everyone.
What the fuck is this?
What the fuck is this shitty take on an end of the world movie?
Was I high?
Did I consume something bad?
Was I still sleeping?
I mean… this shit doesn’t actually happen in real life, right?
I mean this world sucks and it’s fucking cruel but…
this shit…
this shit only happens in stories.
This is make-believe shit.
The crazy thoughts just kept pouring in.
I’m not alone in foreign country with an apocalyptic event happening.
Or at least that’s what I was trying to tell myself.
No.
This was NOT happening.
I sat by the door to balcony and felt numb.
No one tells you about fear so strong you lose all other feeling.
The all-consuming fear that makes it so your body can’t even tremble.
Your senses become dull except you’re hyperaware of every pump of your heart and your breathing sounds like the loudest sound you’ve ever heard.
You also feel like your bladder will explode except you don’t actually have to go.
It’s understandable why movies always show people pissing themselves when they’re afraid.
The body makes you feel that.
Like your fear wants to escape out of every part of your body, so the body follows that feeling in hopes of helping you keep sane.
It doesn’t actually help but it’s the body’s natural instinct to protect itself however it can.
All I could do was try not to think about it.
I could try.
I went back inside my apartment and opened the curtains so I could see and reached for my phone.
It was basically useless at this point.
But I decided to take it with me and make my way outside to see if I could find out anything.
I grabbed my wooden sword, I had gotten from an old friend, and took it with me to use as a weapon like a bat.
I waited at my door to see if there was any sounds, and when there weren't, I opened the door slowly and glanced out.
Empty.
I tip toed through the hall and towards the exit door that lead to the emergency stairs since using the elevator was not an option.
Getting to the door was like an olympic feat.
I stood still for a while to try and catch my breath while trying to be as quiet as possible.
My absolute shit stamina and high anxiety were making the effort extra difficult.
Yea, I know you, lovely little athletic people, would have had no problems but it was an ordeal for me, ok?
But I fucking did it.
Once I was able to finally catch my breath a little, I tried opening the door and listening for any other sounds.
Again, nothing.
My building was well maintained and I didn't have to worry about some loud ass screech as I opened it and walked into the stairwell.
I crept down those steps like a giant ninja.
I don't think I have ever moved so carefully or so quietly in my entire life.
My entire face was covered in sweat and I could feel it slid down my back as I moved.
But I didn't stop.
After making it to the ground floor, I again opened the door and waited.
The fact that everything remained quiet gave me relief but I didn't want to let my guard down and assume it would continue to be that way.
I didn't know what happened to everyone.
I didn't know why it happened or if someone or something had caused it.
And seriously, during these types of moments who doesn't think of zombies, aliens and all that?
At this point, I wouldn't have been shocked if a zombie came running at me.
But, luckily for me, no zombie came running at me.
In fact, nothing came at all.
Just silence.
I glanced in all directions as soon I as walked outside.
Looking for any movements.
Any sounds.
Anything.
Nothing moved and there were no sounds.
It was like I had been transported to an empty world and I was the only one there.
That hair-raising feeling stayed with me as I crept along the buildings.
Moving slowly and quietly.
Ducking behind objects and listening hard every five steps or so.
I had to stop and catch my breath a few times as I felt as if I would pass out.
My body started aching and muscles that I didn't even know I had in weird places I didn't know I was even using were starting to get sore.
I was trembling and my legs were getting weak but I continued on.
After getting three blocks away from my building, I moved just a little more directly.
There was no one and there were no sounds but I kept to the shadows as quietly as I could.
I had a destination in mind and since I had already made it this far, I was determined to get there.
The old electronic store was about six blocks away.
The walk would have normally only been like a five or ten minute walk, but creeping and keeping to the shadows was making it take much longer.
But finally I could see it when I arrived at the train station.
This was more out in the open and felt very dangerous.
I could see the sign of the little old store and the store didn't seem to have a gate covering it.
I peered into the store window.
The lights were off and there weren't any movements inside.
I looked down at the handle and debated if I was going to need to break the window to get in when I saw the "open" sign.
Ah, man, was I lucky.
Old man didn't close his shop.
But getting through the door without the bells above it jingling was a whole different scenario.
Haaaaaa... yea.
Don't give me that face.
It was hard, yes, and extra fluff on me got in the way but I was able to get through without making too much racket.
Smartasses.
Sigh....
The dusty little shop came into focus once I was inside and my vision adjusted to the dim light.
The tiny ass aisles were cluttered but I walked down them all, looking for things that might be useful.
The first thing I went for was their Walkie Talkies.
All of them.
I didn't know which type would have the longest range or which would work for certain frequencies and what not, but I was going to try them all.
I grabbed all the extra parts and things I might need stuffing them in my bag, headed back out to the door.
Going back, I stopped at the convenience store and grabbed some more extra large bottles of water and looked for food I could eat right then instead of the stuff that was going bad without electricity.
Obviously, most of the stuff I found was super unhealthy but desperate times called for desperate measures.
I'm not a cook so my options were limited without a microwave.
I can tell your judging me with that face.
Getting back to my apartment took less time than it did to go out as I was already used to creeping and the path I would take.
However, the time I waited and listened lasted longer as I couldn't seem to shake the feeling of being watched.
I tried hard not to rush back immediately since I knew that's usually how people got killed but I was fucking scared.
Guys, I was fucking terrified.
When I finally got to my building and entered the stairwell, I nearly lost my shit.
I sank to the floor and heaved, trying not to throw up because of the fear.
But, man, my stomach was clenching and my body was shaking and this time not from fatigue.
I knew, knew, that if I hadn't gotten inside, I would have been in danger.
It was there dancing across my skin with a static like sensation- knowing.
That's when it happened.
I could feel things.
I could feel everything.
The walls of my building, all of them.
The poles that held the concrete.
Every tiny stone in the concrete.
Every blade of grass on the lawn of my building.
Everything.
It was as if I was them.
They were me.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!