It could have been only me, but I am pretty sure everyone had this thought in their childhood; to be a great person. Here, the word ‘great’ in a child's point of view refers to a person who is famous with wealth, a celebrity on the TV, and a news broadcaster. A person who will have all the ears to him or herself, a judge, a doctor, a celebrated scholar, or even a scientist, inventor, technician developing innovative technologies.

We Could have vaguely thought of being one of these people.

I thought I would be someone like that.

There is a chair about 1feet away from this table where I’m writing this at the moment and above the chair, a rope hangs down waiting for me.

I wanted to trace and put together my life so far

and when I’m done writing this, maybe I might have a reason not to go up in that chair.

but I’m at a loss for words already. what should I say… Should I rewrite it again..?

This could also be a way of expressing myself as an incomplete person and my life as a topsy-turvy. So I should keep going with it.

Well yeah. I thought I would become a successful person.

I wasn’t afraid of a roach or a rat which explains my home background

a lump on my head, bruises on my body as always but quite optimistic as a child.

I spent a freely neglected childhood.

I liked hanging around with the people even with all those wounds I get from them

I would go out at the time when kindergarten ends with the backpack my mom washed after picking it up somewhere. I carried it around just like the other kids even though I didn’t go to kindergarten like them.

I remember the reason for doing that

I think was playing with this kid and his toy at the playground which was nearby an apartment… the kid’s mom would come and ask me where I lived and which kindergarten I go to but I couldn't answer back. I was shameful at that moment.

she looked at me in a way that wasn’t right to give to a 6-year-old kid for a second and they left after telling me that her kid wasn’t feeling well.

they left the toy. I stared fixedly at them until they’re gone in my sight, grabbed the toy, and run away.

to be honest, I was going to write that I would call the kid’s mom to tell them they have left the toy, and she told me to just have it, but I will not sugarcoat.

I remember a lyric that goes 'dramatizing is free changing out of control and that feeling is similar to when you write in your diary with nice penmanship. Who would want to spit on their autobiography’

I decided to spit on my autobiography.

After that incident, I got a toy for myself and felt the need for my backpack.

I didn’t steal my bag. My mom found it somewhere but she did say she bought it. Maybe she wanted to see her little son in kindergarten but since she couldn’t afford to do that just decided to imagine it.

I’m sure the reader might find me pity but on the other hand, I was a bright kid in my neighborhood.

I entered elementary school.

as I became a second grader, this kid named Cho Youngbae transferred to our school.

On all occasions, my next sit happens to be empty so the new kid got to seat next to me.

and that’s how I got a best friend. You have no idea how I’ve always wanted to use the word best friend.

I’ve always felt out of place before. never got to build on a deep bond with someone because I thought no one likes me. now that I think of it, I haven’t always been around in place for a long time.

Youngbae and I would wait for each other in the morning in front of the real estate building to go to school together and when someone was on a cleaning duty one would help clean up the classroom and came home together.

Youngbae had pocket money about ten dollars every morning and he would give me chance to spend half of that money on the stationery. I usually spent it on candy and jellies. in early 2000, ten-dollar was pretty big money to us.

I never had a chance to buy or eat something before I met Youngbae unless I pick up a coin on the street.

and there we became a third grader and I was happy to be in the same classroom as him.

We opened our eyes to girls by the age of ten and we would bully them on purpose, be mean, or even makeup songs to tease each other for liking someone.

We hang out together as usual. Youngbae had a couple of friends besides me but he always went to school with me. 

One time, it got into a fight with a girl named Minhee who was one of Youngbae’s friends in school. I don’t quite remember how I got into a fight but she hated me. She was always impatiently trying to pick on me.

the next day, due to the school anniversary we didn’t have to go to school.

The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

so as I always did, I went to Youngbae’s house but his mom told me that he went to Minhee’s house to hang out with her. such a familiar feeling. something I’ve always felt but didn’t for about a year, the feeling of being alone coming to me big.

My dad went to work at night and slept in the daytime so I never had a chance to watch tv in the house. that’s why I always went out to hang around but that day I came home, sat down, and did nothing next to my dad sleeping and snoring. Nothing at all.

The next day on my way to school I saw Youngbae passing by the real estate building. I ran towards him after calling his name. he looked at me and stopped for a second for me to reach him. his expression was dark. we didn’t say a word on our way to school. Youngbae sat on his chair and so did I. Minhee squinted her eyes on me and sat beside Youngbae. Then they started to chat and this one sentence got into my ears.

“so you should’ve come out earlier!”

That’s when I thought. That bitch is trying to end our friendship.

but there was nothing I can do since Youngbae seemed close to Minhee than me. they were talking about how to get rid of me and I was far away from them. I couldn’t do anything.

I pretended to be asleep every recess time until the end of school. My mind was full of what I should do when school ends.. will we be going home together?

But in the end, I was pretending as if nothing has changed and asked Youngbae to go home together. However, he told me that he had to help Minhee with the cleaning duty, so I should just go home by myself.

Therefore I waited for him who waiting for Minhee to finish her clean-ups.

I wanted to help clean up the classroom but, on that day lots of students were left over to help each other's best friend. So all I did was uselessly touch the table that was already neat.

Youngbae and Minhee laughed while talking to each other while I tried to eavesdrop on their conversation through the noise.

After cleaning, they left me without giving me a single sight. I should have gone home earlier.

Even when we got out of school and went out of the gate across the playground, I walked looking at their backs.

As they were walking and got inside the stationery, I should've just went home. But having in mind that being complacent and acting, as usual, will make things okay, I picked up the five-dollar worth of some candies and jelly, placed it in front of the cashier, and waited for Youngbae even if it has been almost 30 minutes since we had no conversation...

Youngbae came to the cashier long after chatting with Minhee. Youngbae's eyes were so cold then. When Youngbae offered ten dollars,

“It’s 15 dollars,” Said the lady.

“Oh, I’m just getting these”

“How about Jun’s?”

  “.. just these please”

  “Huh? What about mine..?”

“You buy what you want for yourself.”

I didn’t even want to eat it.

“I... have no money..”

“Why do you always ask me to buy things for you?”

Youngbae offered me in the first place.

“Yeah. are you a beggar? why do you always ask Youngbae to buy it for you?”

I’ve never asked for it even once.

“Don’t you there ask Youngbae to buy things for you! If you do it one more time, I will tell our teacher that you are extorting money!”

“It’s your own business for not having money. Why do you keep asking me for such things! Are you a beggar?!”

I lost my cool and yelled.

“Yeah, I’m a beggar!!!!! you offered me in the first place!! You know that my house is poor!!! you fucking know but why do you question!!!!!

“Hey kids, don’t fight! Jun, you can just take it for today it's on me.”

I didn’t need her sympathy. never even wanted that five-dollar junk food. don’t need a wealthy family or a dad without violence. this fucking backpack, or a mom who left to come back.

I just needed Youngbae who had been my first best friend for over a year to stand by for me. I wanted him to swear at Minhee and go home together kicking off some lunch box with our knees.

Minhee burst into tears because I yelled, and Youngbae pushed me down.

“Don’t you pretend to know me anymore! We’re no longer my friend.” 

Youngbae grabbed Minhee’s hand and went outside, and I sat there crying my eyes out.

“Aaah waah.'

Like all pain felt at once. Making a sound out of pain..

I didn't drop a single tear even when my head was bleeding after I have got heat by the bottle my dad threw while cursing at me for no reason.

When I realized my mom had abandoned me, or when I witnessed a birthday celebration I thought was only happening inside the TV, I didn't cry out loud.

But today, I burst out of tears.

The tragedy of day should end here.

The owner of the stationery held me up and took me to the room located inside the shop. She handed me ice cream to calm me down. She wiped away my tear brushed my hair telling me all the sweet words and that I look cuter when I cry. she kissed my lips and put her warm tongue inside my mouth which was cold due to ice cream.

She put the junk food inside my pocket and deep down inside, and I didn't remember the rest of that day.

 I came home with a handful of junk food, and I was getting scolded by my dad.

He asked me where I stole it from, and I told him I didn't know.

Thinking that he had raised a thief, my dad whipped me in the calf.

 If I knew what suicide is back then.. would I have...?