Have you ever been at ground zero at the center of a nuclear explosion?

I have.

Right before I impacted the stage, the music stopped and another series of system messages flashed, so rapidly I could barely make out the words. Then, the world froze and I hung motionless, fifty feet above the stage. Well, not motionless. I was still descending, but so slowly it was almost imperceptible. More messages flashed, but this time I could read them.

Threat assessment complete

Defenses initialized

Recovery team notified

Thank you for using Celestial Shields™, a division of Interstellar Safety Solutions, LLC. We hope you’ll consider us for all your exploration needs.

The messages disappeared and time unfroze, a fraction of a second before I impacted the direct center of the stage with the precision of an Army jumpmaster.

In an instant, the scene changed and I wasn’t falling. I wasn’t even moving. Instead of my sky-diver pose, I was standing, alone, in the bottom of a smoldering depression, surrounded by charred and burning debris.

The stage was gone. A blackened circle extended out from where I stood, maybe 200 feet. I took a deep breath, still surprised to be alive, then walked to the edge of the crater and clambered out. Immediately a message appeared:

Champion Analysis / Assessment Beginning

My entire view was eclipsed by a series of informational boxes that popped up and were replaced, faster than I could read them.

Well, most. Some were clearly error messages, judging by the red “ERROR” text at the top but some of the popups were pictures of different creatures. I was pretty sure I saw an elf and a dwarf flash across the screen, dressed like they could have stepped out of Lord of the Rings.

Do I really need all these messages? I thought to myself and the system responded immediately. The messages shrank down to a small flashing letter in the bottom right of my view. It looked like an inbox notification.

A new dialogue box appeared:

Champion Analysis / Assessment Complete - Accept and Initialize? (Y/N)

Feature Description

Name Ethan Jones (Jonesy)

Title Sidekick

Class/Race Cleric / Vampire

Alignment Neutral Good / Chaotic Evil *

Appearance Unassigned

Version 0.0

I had no keyboard or way to type “Y” but as soon as I thought about it, the “Y” highlighted and the popup disappeared. The system was incredibly responsive, but I felt a bit like a toddler in a race car – I had no idea what I was doing but it was happening fast.

The popup disappeared, replaced by a character screen just like every video game ever, except instead of a random person in a loincloth, it was an image of me, exactly as I’d left the station, complete with blood stains and everything. Glowing letters appeared then faded quickly:

PREPARE FOR TRANSLATION

I felt a jolt and the image shifted into a green wire-frame, with glowing grids and lines of code, just like Sarge’s bar before it was destroyed. My scrubs started to dissolve, turning into pixels, morphing, reshaping, clinging onto me, transforming into a luxurious, soft fabric.

I looked down and my scrubs were gone, replaced by dark, shadowy robes, rich with interwoven silver threads, as well as a leather belt, intricately carved with sharp geometrical shapes.

More threads of light surrounded me and suddenly, a cloak wrapped around my shoulders, its stiff collar and hood appearing out of nowhere. As it resolved on me, I felt its weight increase until it had fully formed.

Next, rings materialized on my fingers, made of swirling streams of silver and platinum, one on each pinky finger. A thick gold necklace formed around my neck and from it dangled a metallic pendant, a combination of a bat and a cross.

Lastly, my sneakers morphed, lengthening and darkening into polished, black leather boots.

“Whoa,” I whispered to myself, looking back and forth between the image in front of me and the transformation.

Finally, I was done. At least I thought I was.

The boomerang that was still tucked into my belt began to glow. The tip was still sticky with blood from where it had poked my calf 10 minutes and a lifetime ago. I took it out of my belt and watched as the blood began to move, morphing and shifting around, turning into strange symbols or runes and spreading until they covered the entire surface.

Before long, the blood was absorbed and the glow subsided. My boomerang now seemed mostly inert, although I thought I could detect a slight hum coming from it.

Suddenly, it extended to nearly 2 feet and began to darken. The wood hardened and blackened and the runes flashed purple for a quick second then seemed to sputter out.

What was I supposed to do with it? It still had metal tips, so it had to be some kind of weapon, but how did it work? I’d never thrown a boomerang before, but I’d seen movies.

That question would have to wait for another time though, because without warning, one of the gift bags hooked over my left arm started to shake.

Although the handles of the bag were tied together to keep the top closed, there were little gaps to each side and through the holes I could see green lights flashing. The movements inside the bag became erratic, and the bag jerked around so violently that it pulled my arm with it.

The green light began to blink more rapidly and then the bag exploded and something shot out straight in front of me, trailing a billowing cloud of smoke. I coughed as the acrid taste hit my throat.

A glowing animal emerged from the cloud. It was a hedgehog, tippy-tapping in front of me like an excited puppy.

He, if it was a “he”, was about the size of an NFL football, covered in short brown and cream spines that faintly shone with a purple light. He had a tiny white face with beady glowing red eyes and surprisingly long fangs.

He started to shiver and suddenly miniature fireworks fired up from his back into the air above him, spelling out the words “CONGRATULATIONS CHAMPION!”

Champion? Uh oh. Apparently the “winning” gift bag had decided to open itself. Abe had told me not to open it and technically, I hadn’t. I hoped this wouldn’t cause any problems.

This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

The hedgehog continued to bounce up and down in front of me expectantly.

“Hiya little guy,” I said, reaching forward to let him sniff the back of my hand.

Would that work for a hedgehog? It worked for dogs.

He sniffed at my hand, then sank his fangs into my index finger.

“BRO!” I yelled and pulled my hand back, glaring at the betrayal of the little animal.

PAIRING COMPLETE

The little animal began to run around me at an unbelievable speed, so fast I could barely keep up, and in my mind I heard:

“JONESYJONESYJONESYJONESYJONESYJONESYJONESYJONESYJONESYJONESYJONESYJONESYJONESYJONESYJONESYJONESY!!!!!!!!”

“Hey Little Buddy,” I said, “slow down!”

He stopped in front of me and I knelt down.

“Are you Bluetooth or something? What’s pairing?” I asked the little animal, not expecting a reply.

“FRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIEND!!!!!”

“Some friend,” I said skeptically. “You bit me!” I said and showed him the blood on my finger where he’d chomped down on me.

“FRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIEND!!!!!” he repeated then darted forward faster than I could react and licked the spot he’d bitten.

As I watched, the tiny holes he’d left in my finger closed up and the blood ceased. He shimmered a little purple shimmer.

“FRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIEND!!!!!”

“I guess you are,” I mused. “Wait, can you heal anything or just undo your own bites?”

I pulled up my robe a bit until my calf was exposed and the spot where the boomerang had stuck me was visible. There was blood around the gash and it still stung.

“Still,” I thought. Less than 30 minutes ago I was delivering a pizza. So much had happened in such a short period that it was hard to process or even keep track.

That was a thought for another day so I took that unpleasant idea and tried to soccer ball it. The same message as before informed me that I hadn’t gained the skill yet. Now that I was on the ground, there was time to consider what that meant, but the hedgehog had other plans.

It darted forward again and licked the spot. Sure enough, it healed in front of my unbelieving eyes and again, he glowed purple.

Was it my imagination or did he look a little smug?

“Ok,” I said to him, “Do you have a name?”

“NAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAME!!!”

“Does that mean you want me to give you a name?” I asked him.

“NAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAMENAME!!!” he repeated.

“Well”, I said thoughtfully, “How about Sonic? You are a hedgehog after all.”

He shimmered blue. That’s new, I thought but everything was new. Did blue mean he didn’t like it? Time to test.

“Ok, maybe Fluffy?” I tried.

This time the shimmer was a darker blue.

Not Fluffy.

“Can’t you name yourself?” I asked. “I’m terrible at this.”

He flashed green.

“Ok then, you pick your own name,” I said.

Fireworks shot up again, this time spelling out “K E V I N”.

“Your name is Kevin?” I asked incredulously.

“KEVINKEVINKEVINKEVINKEVINKEVINKEVINKEVINKEVINKEVINKEVINKEVINKEVINKEVINKEVINKEVIN!!”

“Well ok then, Kevin it is.” I said chuckling. “Kevin the magical firework-shooting wound-healing hedgehog. Is there anything else you can do?”

He tore around me in circles, so fast his trail of sparks became a ring of fire but it faded as he skidded to a halt in front of me, tongue hanging out.

I squatted down to pet him and this time Kevin rolled over, exposing his fuzzy little belly. I rubbed it and smiled.

Suddenly the unreality of the situation hit hard. Nothing made any sense. How did I get an animal out of a gift bag? Where was I? Where was my sister? What the hell just happened?

Wait, I thought to myself. Hannah only went through a minute or so before I did, so where was she?

I stood up and for the first time since I cratered, I took a good look around.

I was smack in the middle of a dirt road that began at the stage and extended forward, straight as an arrow, in the direction of the barrier I’d noted earlier. Although I could “feel” the sun on my face, I wasn’t hot.

The groups I’d seen on my descent must have known something I didn’t know since they were all following the road North.

Wait. There was no North or South, I was … where was I? I knew I wasn’t on Earth, I’d watched it destruct. Earth was gone. Everything was gone. My beloved Camry, “Mavis”, was gone.

Metal Soccer Ball. Repress. System Message. Failure.

This was going to be an issue. Apparently I used my little mental trick more frequently than I’d realized. I’d have to find a trainer and get that sorted.

“Let’s go find my sister,” I said to Kevin, and started walking. “This road has to go somewhere.”

He pulsed a faint green and fell in next to me.

Now that I wasn’t falling to certain death, I looked around and then took a big sniff.

I could pick up the faintest whiff of something burning, almost a flavor more than a smell, a bit oily, but aside from the normal desert smells, dust, sage, heat, that was it.

A slight breeze barely tickled my face and there wasn’t a soul in sight, just me and Kevin. I could hear the buzz of insects, or at least I hoped they were insects.

If the buzzing wasn’t actually the hum of insects, I had a bigger problem. For the purposes of this exercise I was willing to assume the magical place I just got transported to had insects like on Earth. But why? Why would there be insects at all? Was this a real place with a real ecosystem? Was anything here real?

I was still human, sort of, Kevin was a hedgehog, sort of, so maybe there were insects too.

Sort of.

Wait, what if they were deadly alien bugs? My hedgehog could shoot fireworks out his ass, so what could these alien insects do? I started to freak out.

Soccer ball, soccer ball, soccer ball. Fail, fail, fail.

I looked around desperately. “HANNAH!” I yelled but there was no reply. However, about 25 yards up the road I noticed a small, free-standing bulletin board, with a single sheet of paper in the middle. I started toward it when something fell out of the hole in the “Kevin bag”, as I’d dubbed it.

It was a black retractable ballpoint pen, complete with a push-button at the top to extend the tip. I picked it up and examined it, but the only notable detail was the name “Interstellar Safety Solutions”. I held it out in front of me and tentatively clicked, but nothing special happened. No laser, no glowing sword emerged, it didn’t explode, so I had to presume it was only a pen. I looked back at the bag.

Kevin had made a pretty big hole when he burst out but I widened it a bit and took a quick inventory of the items that were left inside.

1. 1 x small box, might fit a ring or necklace

2. 2 x large boxes, size of a snow-globe

3. 1 x larger box, size of a water bottle

4. Tissue paper

5. A tag labeled - “Souvenir Companion”

6. A red crystal

7. A monocle

I stuck everything into my inventory, except for three things. I tucked the boomerang back into my belt, left Kevin bouncing around my legs, and examined the red crystal.

It was pentagonal, about 3 inches long, a deep blood red and when I held it up, I could dimly see through it to the weird bulletin board. The edges were incredibly sharp, as I found out when I accidentally sliced my finger with it.

“Dammit!” I swore and stuck my finger in my mouth.

It had an odd taste and when I reexamined the crystal, I noticed it had blood on it. Blood that wasn’t mine.

I sputtered and spit out the taste then looked accusingly at Kevin like it was his fault but then gagged when I realized where it must have come from. The crystal had to be what Sarge had thrown at me.

He’d slipped and fallen on the pools of gore and blood in the station so this HAD to be from that. It didn’t have its own box, it was out of place, and it had blood on it. What other explanation could there be?

I stared at it hard, hoping I’d get more information but nothing happened. No popups, no dialogue boxes, nothing. Just a bloody red crystal. I stuck it, as well as the other gift bag into my inventory with the rest of the items because after all, Sarge had died getting it to me, it must be important.

Sarge had died getting it to me.

My friend was gone and a wave of grief hit me and I could feel my brain starting to shut down.

Not now. Soccer ball. System Message. Fail.

I took a deep breath. This was getting old.

“Come on Kevin,” I said and walked over to the board. Kevin followed.

Tacked to the board was a single sheet of paper with the familiar face of Uncle Sam.