Episode 2: The Ballad of Teddy

Narrator: Eight days previously, a woman on the run made a short attempt to resupply with her pursuers hot on her tail. Under chase for two days, she finally came upon a small farm with no horses tied up outside, an easy grab unlike the cowpoke-infested ranches she’d passed up to this point. She tied up her horse and made her way to the barn, hoping to find the fruits of the plot.

A barn door opens, shuts. Creaks on floorboards.

Off to the side, a shotgun is cocked.

Augusta: Stay back, my husband is right outside with his pals, each with a pistol ready, just waiting for me to make a noise.

Teddy: Woah, calm down, ma’am. You surprised me there.

Augusta: You’re a lady?!

Teddy: Honey, I’m a woman, I’ll give you that, but I ain’t no lady.

Augusta: Nevertheless, my husband is still outside, so you better not try nothing.

Teddy: I’ll be straight with you, ma’am, I doubt there’s anyone else out here. There’s no horse far as I can tell except the one I just tied up. And why’d your husband and his pals have let me into this barn in the first place if they knew you were in here? No way a man would let his woman enter danger if there was no need of it. Of course, could be that they’re subdued by the rest of my posse as we speak, in which case, for now, it’s just you and me, until my backup gets here, so you’re the one who better not try nothing.

Augusta: If that’s the case, then I have you as my bargaining chip, and something tells me at least one of the men out there cares an awful lot about you. Likely enough that he’d be willing to trade you for my and my husband’s safety, and then you’d be going on your way.

Teddy: That’s assuming that I’m your hostage. While it may seem that way now, you aiming that shotgun at my chest, I believe the tables could easily be turned. Something tells me you don’t have much experience with it, and even less experience dealing with someone with a gun, else by now you would’ve made me slowly remove my piece from the belt, place it on the ground, and kick it towards you.

Augusta: Fine, then. Do that. Unarm yourself.

Teddy: First, can we at least be truthful with each other?

Augusta: I’m no liar.

Teddy: Look, I know your husband, and much less his pals, aren’t outside waiting. If you don’t want to admit it, I’ll admit my end first. I got no gang out there either. You’ll admit it now?

Augusta: So it’s just you and me?

Teddy: There we go. However, that’s not exactly the case. While there’s no one out there waiting for either of our calls to join our respective sides, there is a posse, and I assume they’ll be here soon. It’ll be much easier for both of us if you just let me be on my way and make yourself hidden before they come. I can’t imagine they’d do anything with a nice lady like you, but, when they come, you’d be outnumbered three-to-one.

Augusta: Well my husband is due back any minute, so that’s three-to-two, and, if you were to help, maybe we could flatten the odds, three-on-three.

Teddy: You trust too quick, ma’am. One minute you’re pointing a shotgun at me, the next we’re supposed to have each others’ backs in a gunfight, and that shotgun is still pointed at me.

Augusta: Well maybe I should be a little less naive then. So answer me this: why are they after you and how do you know so much about them?

Teddy: Because they used to be my gang, think that answers both. Now, we’ve wasted too much time talking. Please, just let me be on my way, it’s the safest option for both of us and for your husband.

Augusta: What are they going to do when they find you?

Teddy: If they do, which I’m not intending, I believe it’ll be a short-lived firefight. I assume their plan would be to shoot me dead or subdue me to submit me to a fate worse than death.

Augusta: Fate worse than death?

Teddy: We’re both women here. You know what I mean.

Augusta: And what of the man in the gang who cares about you? I don’t believe you could’ve joined it if that weren’t the case.

Teddy: You were right that there was someone like that. But he’s gone now.

Augusta: He’s gone?

Teddy: Dead.

Augusta: I’m sorry, Miss. They killed him?

Teddy: Nope, ma’am. I did.

Augusta: What?

Teddy: Look, the more we talk, the closer they get, and the more your fate is sealed by associating with me. If I haven’t made it clear yet, the best chance you and your husband have of surviving the night is if I’m on my way. They’ll just pass through if I’m not around, then neither of you will have to go up against them, which, without me, would be a losing fight.

Horses and shouting in the distance.

Teddy: That don’t sound like your husband, does it?

Augusta: Is that them?

Teddy: Well, nevermind all that about my plan, it’s too late now. How good are you actually with that shotgun?

Augusta: I, um, never shot it in my life.

Teddy: Figures.

A pistol hammer is pulled back.

Teddy: Better hope they’ll just ride right along, but, chances are, they’ll find my horse and this’ll be the first place they search. Where’s the best vantage point in here?

Augusta: Vantage?

Teddy: Nevermind, I’ll find it. Hmm. I’m assuming I can probably hide behind the bales up there. Good cover, view of the whole barn. I’d be trapped, but we already are in here. No way to make a run for it. They’d definitely hear the movement and track it down, whether it be you or me. Now a question for you.

Augusta: Yes?

Teddy: What do you want to do? You have two options. First, which is what I’d recommend, you find the best hiding spot you can in this barn and sit as silent as you can. Whatever happens to me happens. You wait until you’re sure no one is left, then you can leave.

Augusta: What’s the other one?

Teddy: You help me fight. Not sure what difference it will make, considering you can’t really handle the shotgun, but they don’t know that. Your stance was impeccable, by the way. You sure know how to make it look like you know how to use that thing, and maybe we can convince them of that, assuming they’d leave if they thought they were somehow outgunned. But I don’t believe that will be the case, which is why I recommend the alternative. Do you have a cellar or something like that in here?

Augusta: No, Miss, only in the house.

Teddy: Okay, how’s about this: come with me to the hayloft, when shit starts to go down, just lay in the big pile in the back. If they’re aiming for me, the rounds won’t go near you, and if I feel myself losing, I’ll jump down. No reason for them to ever come up there. You should be safe. That work for you?

Augusta: Um, yes, I think.

Teddy: Good. Now please stop pointing that barrel at me and let’s get up there.

Narrator: The two women made their way up the ladder to the hayloft, double-barreled shotgun and Smith & Wesson Model 1 in hands. Outside, Teddy’s pursuers tied off their horses next to hers and and made their way to the house across from the barn.

Augusta: Excuse me?

Teddy: What is it?

Augusta: I’m Augusta, by the way. And yourself?

Teddy: I’m Theodora, but they call me Teddy. We sharing our life stories now?

Augusta: The way you framed it, I figured this may be the end of yours, so I’m not sure if you wanted to tell me about it, if there’s anything you wanted to get off your chest before you leave this world.

Teddy: You meaning like a confession?

Augusta: I ain’t no priest.

Teddy: And I ain’t no Christian.

August: But maybe sharing will do something for you. It sounds like they’re going for the house first, so we have a bit. What else do we have to do here?

Teddy: You got a point there.

Augusta: So you’ll tell me the Ballad of Teddy?

Teddy: Okay, but I ain’t much of a singer. The quick and dirty of it: I was born to a gunsmith and his wife in Kentucky. We weren’t the wealthiest, but they were rich in love, or whatever it is that people say to try to make sense of poor yet happy families. I didn’t have a hard upbringing or nothing, but I was rebellious. I think I still am. So, when I was of age, I made my way out West, ended up not far from here in Wattabego. There I tried to make an impression on the most rebellious man I could find, one Ernest Murphy. You probably know him better as Dusty, which he figured was a much scarier name than Ernest.

Augusta: Dusty Murphy? You know him?

Teddy: Much more than just “know.” That impression was made, and it stuck.

Augusta: You’re his woman?

Teddy: The one and only.

Augusta: That means you killed him?

Teddy: Yes, I guess I was his woman, but we’ll get to that part in a bit. Anyways, I impressed Dusty with my knowledge of firearms, thanks to having spent so much time at my father’s work. But I only had a bit of experience actually using them, so he taught me, made me one of the best gunslingers in his posse in the few years we were together.

This book's true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.

Augusta: Did you know who he was?

Teddy: I knew exactly who Dusty was. And that’s exactly why I wanted him.

Augusta: You wanted a criminal? Do you have any idea what he’s done?

Teddy: If I haven’t made it clear by now, I’m not exactly the most morally upright person. I killed my own husband. And what he’s done is always what I’ve done, mostly. It was exciting, robbing banks and stealing horses.

Augusta: So you did all that, too?

Teddy: Of course. I always insisted on being part of the action. Part of what Dusty loved about me, and exactly what I loved about him. Dusty the man wasn’t much in my thoughts, but Dusty the idea, and what his company meant for me, that was why I stayed. That was, until he planned a killing job.

Augusta: You draw the line at killing? But I thought you killed him?

Teddy: Hell no I don’t draw the line there. I killed many in the past. What’s the point of being a good gunslinger if I ain’t gonna use it? But those killings all had their purpose. Say some cowboy caught us stealing his horses, or a deputy thought he could stop us from escaping with the contents of a bank vault. Sometimes it just happened to be my finger that pulled down the trigger. It happens, and I didn’t think much of it. Problem with this job was, there was no reason behind the killing.

Augusta: There was reason in the other ones?

Teddy: Let me explain. A revered cowboy was coming to town, Holt Tucker, who was said to be one of the quickest draws in the West. Well, Dusty planned to take it upon himself to have this Tucker prove that, but not in a standoff the honorable way. The plan was to track Tucker down when he was alone and to go for him when he had his pants down, metaphorically speaking, of course. No way Tucker would make it, being surprised by a whole posse, and then Dusty could say he killed the man. I wasn’t in support of this plan and told him not to go through with it. When he refused to listen to the “dumb bitch” that I apparently was, I decided to leave. He didn’t like that much, but I’d never imagine he’d do what he did to me then.

At a distance, clatter in the house.

Teddy: Sorry about your home, ma’am. Anyway, so I played the part of a woman who learned her place, and when Holt Tucker finally made his way through town, I rode with the rest of them on our way to kill the man in cold blood. When we got there, we found Holt alone, relieving himself in a bush. We had caught him with his pants down, literally. And while Dusty and his three men aimed their pistols at the pissing cowboy, I brought mine to the side of Dusty’s head. I guess he really did imagine I’d learned my lesson, giving me a loaded gun. Smarter man would’ve loaded my piece with blanks, but, despite his being a great aim, this man wasn’t so smart, so what little brains he had were exploded out on the desert floor. I then managed an escape, the three others in Dusty’s gang assuming the shot meant to open fire on poor Tucker. We all came at him from different angles, so I guess nobody saw me running until too late. I also guess the bush provided great cover because that I heard return fire as I took off with Dusty’s horse. That was two days ago, and now my running has brought me here. I came into your barn looking for a quick supply restock, which, in retrospect, was pretty stupid with the group so close at my heels. There, you happy now?

Augusta: That wasn’t supposed to be for me, but I do feel I understand you much more now. Do you feel better?

Teddy: Better don’t mean much when it’s still not good. Well I’m glad we could hold hands and share our feelings before I’m shot down by the scum that’s about to come through that door.

Augusta: Who are they?

Teddy: The three left, I definitely hear the three distinct voices of ‘em. Must’ve been the end of Tucker if they’re all still standing. Anyway, you got Logan Cobb, Dusty’s right hand man and now, I’d assume, leader of their outfit. Next, there’s Bart Spicer. He’s older but not so much wiser. Finally, we got Wayne Redmond. He’s an okay shot at least, but he’ll talk your ear off, not that that matters very much in our current situation. If anything, I might just take longer to die if he doesn’t shut his mouth. Now be quiet and get back there. I hear them leaving the house.

Doors kicked open.

Narrator: The three pursuers entered the barn, scanning for their prey, weapons raised and ready to fire.

Cobb: It’s over, Teddy. We know you’re in here.

Redmond: Or at least that’s what we’re assuming, but it seems to be a good assumption.

Cobb: So you can come out now and face what can only be considered the just punishment for what you did to your husband, or you can stay hidden and when we find you, well, that punishment won’t be too just.

A pistol shot.

Spicer: Fuck!

Narrator: Sliding on the hay as she pulled the trigger, Teddy ended up landing her bullet in Spicer’s shoulder instead of his heart. As she pulled herself back up from the straw-strewn loft floor, the three men ran for cover. When Teddy finally regained her post, the targets were hidden behind shelves.

Remond: Missed me, bitch!

Spicer: She ain’t aiming for you, dipshit!

Redmond: Damn. Well, at least she missed your head.

Spicer: Shut up!

Cobb: Thought you were a better shot than that, Teddy. We know you’re in the loft. Show yourself or we’ll open fire on the count of three.

Teddy: You can’t count to three. And I slipped.

Spicer: Get down here and face me like a man!

Teddy: I ain’t no man, dipshit.

Cobb: One.

Redmond: She got you there, Spicer.

Cobb: Two.

Spicer: Can’t wait to blast you to hell, bitch!

Cobb: Th-

Teddy: Wait, wait, fine, I’m coming out.

Cobb: The gun comes first. Toss it down.

Teddy: Only fair.

The piece lands.

Cobb: Good, now show yourself, nice and slow.

Narrator: Teddy slowly made her way out from behind the bales, standing up and now in their sights, the three men now back in the open center with their weapons raised again.

Cobb: There, that wasn’t too hard, now, was it?

Spicer: Can we kill her now?

Cobb: That wasn’t the deal, Spicer.

Spicer: What deal?

Cobb: Told her if she just showed herself the punishment would be just, but look what she did to you.

Spicer: Oh, yeah. Hear that, bitch!

Teddy: What?

Redmond: We got something much worse than death for you, soon as you come down. We got your gun. There ain’t nowhere for you to go now.

A shotgun cocks.

Teddy: Don’t.

Augusta: You won’t be doing any such thing.

Redmond: A woman?

Spicer: A lady?

Narrator: From the hay emerged the farmer’s wife, shotgun aimed down at Cobb.

Augusta: I recommend you just leave this woman alone and be on your way.

Cobb: I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s not an option here. This woman here killed her husband, and there gotta be consequences for a sin like that.

Augusta: Why not let her and God sort that out?

Cobb: That’s the plan, ma’am. I’m just trying to bring her to Him sooner.

Augusta: Well I don’t think I can stand for that.

Spicer: I ain’t leaving without that bitch. She shot me!

A horse and yelling in the distance.

Augusta: You’re Cobb, I assume. I do believe that’s my husband coming up. He will have seen your horses and will have his gun drawn by the time he gets here. If you want to make it out of here, I recommend you do so now.

Cobb: I don’t have time for this. Red, shoot the bitch and let’s go.

Redmond: Sure, boss.

A pistol shot rings out.

A body falls.

Spicer: What did you do?!

Cobb: Not her, idiot!

Redmond: I thought you said-

Cobb: The bitch, not the lady!

A shotgun blast.

Redmond: Cobb!

Teddy: Taste this, fucker.

Another shotgun blast.

Spicer: Don’t leave me, Red!

Teddy: He’s already out the door. Looks like it’s just you and me, and you ain’t much of a fighter, considering the number I already done on you.

Narrator: Augusta lay near the edge of the loft, a red stream slowly flowing from the hole in her forehead. Cobb lay on the floor, a red river pouring from the mangled flesh of his torso. Redmond was already out the door, the second blast having barely missed him. Spicer wasn’t as lucky, his right leg unable to carry him, now trapped sitting next to the body of his former leader. Outside, as Redmond drove his horse fast as quick as he could, another shady figure galloped his toward the sound of the shot.

Spicer: What you gonna do now?

Teddy: What you gonna do?

Jed: Stand down, both of you! What’s happening?

Narrator: The shadowy figure now emerged from the dark night outside into the light of the barn, his barn.

Teddy: Hello, sir. I don’t want you to go all crazy right now with that pistol in your hand and us being in your barn, but I’m going to tell you it straight. I’m terribly sorry, but your wife is dead.

Jed: What?

Spicer: That was your wife?

Jed: Who was my wife?

Teddy: The lady Spicer here’s friend shot.

Spicer: He ain’t my friend, Mister. We just worked together. I didn’t have nothing to do with it, and it was her who brought us here.

Teddy: I didn’t know anyone was home. I told Augusta to leave, and when she refused, I told her to stay hidden. She didn’t listen on her own merits. I didn’t know her much, but, as I’m sure you know, that does sound like the truth of her. Am I right?

Spicer: I’m not to blame either. It was Red who pulled the trigger, Cobb who called the shot.

Jed: I won’t believe it. How do you know her name?

Teddy: I’m truly sorry, sir, but it’s the truth. She’s up here. Look, she’s laying on the floor next to me.

Narrator: The body was lying perpendicular to the loft’s ledge. Although only the top of her head was visible from the story below, Jed would recognize that curly blonde hair anywhere.

Teddy: I’m not sure what to say at this point. I feel I take some of the blame. I already killed Cobb, but he had no intention of your woman dying. It was Red, the man riding away, who was the real source of it all.

Spicer: See, it wasn’t me!

Teddy: As much as I’d like to see Spicer here dead, too, there’s no reason for it to be done by you.

Spicer: That’s right, she’s telling the truth.

A pistol cocks.

Spicer: Wait, wait, what’s-

A shot fires out.

Narrator: With that, the man who’d spent so much time trying to escape what he once was dove right back into the fray. LeMat Revolver still smoking, Jed held it in place as the body in front of him slumped over.

Teddy: Damn. You’re not gonna kill me, are you? I still got a shotgun and the vantage with you down there, but I feel pretty guilty about what happened and really don’t want to kill you too.

Jed: No. You’re right. Sounds exactly like Augusta to think she can help. Was her own decision.

Teddy: Glad we cleared that up. I don’t believe there’s any way for me to make up for what happened here today, so I guess I’ll be going now.

Jed: You know this Red?

Teddy: Redmond? I mean, we did work together for a few years.

Jed: He’s gone by now. Know where to find him?

Teddy: I figured he’d be making his way as far from here as possible, but I got one place in mind. Why?

Jed: Take me there.

Teddy: I got no qualms with Red no more. Doubt he’ll be after me. The whole gang’s gone, no reason for him to keep on the mission.

Jed: You’re trespassing. I have the legal right to empty my chamber in your forehead right now. Take me to him.

Teddy: Okay, fine, if you’re gonna be like that, but, for the record, you’d definitely be down before me, and I ain’t even reloaded this thing yet. I guess I don’t have much else to do at this point.

Jed: Good. Let’s go.

Teddy: I’m Teddy, by the way.

No reply.

Teddy: Sorry, I’m not great with the whole social niceties thing. Not really sure what to say to someone you don’t know whose wife’s just been killed, especially when you feel it might be a little bit your fault. If it makes you feel better, my husband was killed not too long ago, granted I’m the one who did it. But, hey, look at us, two widowed folks on a mission for justice, or something like that. Sounds like it could be a fun adventure. Maybe a bit more fun if I knew who you were.

Jed: Jed.

Teddy: Well okay, Jed. Now that that’s all done with, let’s go kill us a Redmond.