4.

I shook my head, trying to come to grips with what happened. “Feels like someone stuffed a wad of cotton in my brain,” I mumble.

“You spent a lot of time here,” replied Suzy. One of her hands gently extended to touch my shoulder, the other gestured at the surrounding landscape. A busy city street, frozen in time. “It was not doing wonders to your mental health. I had to stitch and glue your memories into something a little more stable for us to have this talk. And I know… I know… I’m sorry for messing with your head again, but what can ya do? Can’t make an omelet without breaking a few heads..”

“My life is in your hands,” I replied. No remorse or anger in my voice. “It was always in your hands.”

“You’re not upset,” she spoke. It was not a question.

“I used to be. I was, but I had a lot of time here. Time to think.” I shook my head, trying to make sense of my recent memories. They were jumbled and incoherent. How long had I been in this place? “It’s pointless hate. You are what you are.”

“Well, I’m still proud of what you did,” she nodded, smiling. “I wasn’t sure that you would be able to summon me. Staying rational enough to do so is not something most humans could do. For a moment there I was… Worried.”

“So you really couldn’t come before I did the play?” I asked.

She shook her head. “Do you know how many moments like this exist between even one second and the next? Billions and billions. Infinite. I could never find you, unless you called.”

More memories, half-forgotten. The play - ‘The King in Yellow’ - I had experienced it from both sides now. Audience and player. The yellow truth.

“I think I understand you a bit better now,” I said.

“A little too well,” she replied, frowning and pursing her lips. “I had to erase part of your memories of the play. Its effect on the human mind is… Overwhelming. Most of the time I don’t mind it, but I don’t want your mind too distorted by my presence. There’s a charm to your original self. Pure. Unbroken.”

She practically purred her last word, looking at me with fondness. Her face was so expressive, even as it resembled a mask floating on air. Behind the mask, an empty cowl of yellow and gold, with a crown atop, fit for a king. I took a deep breath and crossed my arms, looking back at her.

“I have a big question,” I told her. “I know we’ve danced around it many times, but I still have to ask: why me? What is it about me that interests so much an eldritch being like yourself?”

The question did not bother her in the slightest. On the contrary, she slowly smiled. “It’s because you want to die, yet you struggle to live.”

I sagged a bit, my encounter with Nyarlathotep all coming back to me, including the confession he extracted from deep within myself. “You knew,” I muttered.

“I always knew.”

I blinked. “And that’s it? That’s why you’re following me? Because I’m suicidal?”

“Small thing to you, maybe, but to me? It’s a fascinating mystery!” Her smile grew even wider, more excited. “This struggle with yourself, whether to live or die? I can’t understand it. No matter what I do, I cannot understand it! Some creatures are meant to die for the good of their species. The salmon that kills itself swimming upstream, the mantis that seeks its mate even while knowing it will be devoured. That is hard coded in them, it is understandable. But with you, and people like you? It’s a choice! And a choice you make and struggle with. Some even go through with it! They end their own lives! How? I cannot understand that at all!”

I looked at the King in Yellow, bearing its human mask. “No, I guess you can’t,” I said. “You would never kill yourself, would you?”

An awkward question to ask in most situations - wouldn’t recommend asking that to anyone at a party - but Suzy was unfazed as always as she happily replied. “Nope! I would do anything to avoid dying, anything at all.”

Even destroying a whole dying world, to preserve its memory, the moment it was born.

“Figures,” I chuckled. There was a humor to the situation, despite myself. “I must look pretty weird to you.”

“Weird, sure, but fascinating!” She smiled. “I’ve tried to understand your point of view, what drives you to do that, or to avoid it. I picked you - randomly - to try and understand you better but… I can’t! I can’t understand you at all! I understand the actions and reactions that lead to such a state of mind, but I still can’t picture it.”

“Weird,” I mused, “that a super-powerful thing like you can’t understand something so simple.”

“Oh, rub it in my face, why don’t you?” She scoffed, still sporting the same mocking grin as always. “Of course, I could always devour you and your memories.”

I raised an eyebrow at that comment, but before I could reply she was upon me. Her left hand grabbed my neck, not squeezing it but still holding tightly enough that swallowing became impossible.

“I could devour you completely. Your memories. Every part of you. Make it mine, part of the whole,” she continued, her smile growing deranged now, a glint of madness in her yellow eyes.

“Nngh...” Was my reply. Not very eloquent, but you try answering while someone is squeezing your throat so hard you can’t breathe.

She let me go. “But… If I did that, you wouldn’t be you anymore. You would be me.” She sulked, still standing in front of me, so close I could feel her breath. “Me, me, me…. No matter how many I absorb there’s no escaping that. One of many, and all are me. I cannot escape myself,” she sighed theatrically, and grinned again.

“I guess even gods have their limits,” I croaked, rubbing my sore throat.

“Frustrating,” she muttered, looking intently. “I’ve spent all this time studying you. The many versions of you, across space and time. We spent a lifetime together. Yet... I still don’t get you… Not one bit.”

She brushed her fingers gently against my cheek, almost lovingly. But her eyes were cold and unfeeling, her expression blank as a mask. Something was staring at me behind those eyes, but it wasn’t human. Not even close. As distant as the stars.

“I don’t get you either, if that’s any help,” I whispered back.

“Why would that be of help?” She scoffed, letting go of me. She walked back nonchalantly and sat on the curb, and leaned back, looking at me without saying anything. I sat beside her, without a word.

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There was a car in front of us. I think it was frozen mid-movement, it seemed like a busy street, but to my eyes it looked perfectly still. The driver intently looking at the road paid us no mind.

“Can you get me out of here?” I asked, breaking the silence.

“More or less,” was her reply. She looked up at me and her grin was gone. “I have the power to bring you back...”

“Thought you couldn’t control time,” I muttered. "It was one of your… Restrictions. Nyarlathotep told me that.”

She scoffed. “Nyarly should remember that he’s not the only one to have favors to pull with Yog-Sothoth. Now that I’ve found you, pulling you out is no big deal. Make a copy, put copy in your normal timeline, erase this world. Simple!”

“Erase this world…?” I repeated, shifting uncomfortably.

“It’s one billionth of a second gone. Nobody will make much of a fuss,” she shrugged.

My glance went back to the driver on his car, frozen mid-movement. “There was a time when that kind of existential dread would have bothered me,” I said, almost nostalgic. It felt like so long ago.

“And now it doesn’t?” Asked Suzy.

“I’ve mellowed out. Had enough time to think things out...” I shrugged. “You said you could bring me back ‘more or less’. There’s more to it then that, isn’t there?”

“Hmm, have you become more perceptive as well?” Her expression grew grim, then it was gone in an instant. And by that I mean not only her expression, but her face. It transformed smoothly into a white mask, the kind you’d see in a theater. Even the mask’s expression was neutral, as it floated over an empty, yellow cowl.

“Yes,” said the King in Yellow. “There is a problem. I can bring you back, but you were completely erased from all of time. It’s as if you never existed. I can bring you back, but it would be as if you had never existed before that moment. This is a fact I cannot change.”

It took me a moment to fully absorb those words, and what they meant. My thoughts went to my friends. My family. The memories I had of them, moments shared, not all of them pleasant but… Still real. Still meaningful to me. I turned away and looked at the ground, unable to stare at that white mask or reply to it. Unable to face that my whole existence was gone. It took all my strength just to keep calm.

“I could change their memories,” added the King in Yellow. “Create a facsimile of what their memories once were… But not perfect. And I understand you dislike my tampering...”

I shook my head, still refusing to stare back. “No messing with their minds. Please.”

“I am sorry . I am so, so sorry I cannot restore their memories of you.”

She meant it too. From that blank, bone-white mask came the most contrite apology I had ever heard from Suzy. Her tone was dejected, heartbroken even. It was a unique position for the King in Yellow, one it did not find itself often. Hastur, in all its might, was powerless to restore my existence.

“But I remember you, Cody.” She said, her tone now soothing. Hopeful, even. “I will never forget you once existed.”

Because to a being made from memories, there could be no worse fate than being forgotten from the world. Not even death.

“I see...” I nodded, trying to look calmer than I felt. For my own sake, really. “So nobody remembers me then. But you can still bring me back.”

“Yes. Your body and mind, same as you are now.”

“No changes? Or copies of myself?” I asked, turning towards the figure in Yellow once more. Not angry, it was pointless to get angry at that thing, but I couldn’t let it slide. “I deserve to know,” I added.

The white mask nodded in agreement, and in one fluid motion, it changed to a familiar woman, with blonde, messy hair and a mischievous grin. The yellow robe and the crown remained, now laying on her body and obeying the laws of gravity they were flaunting before. “I will give you a choice, Cody. ”

My body tensed as I stared at her, not even blinking.

“If you wish, I can erase you here. The last fragment of you, gone,” said Suzy, the Queen in Yellow. “A perfect end, no corpse or tears left behind. Quiet oblivion. I won’t make any copies of you, I won’t extend your life or play with it in any way. If you choose death, I will honor that wish.”

She sounded sincere. I fidgeted while waiting for what she would say next.

“Or I can return you to the world, and we can continue our adventures. Still so many worlds to explore! So much joy and suffering to be tasted. And I hadn’t even begun to bore of you when you were snatched away,” she pouted like a child, before returning to her familiar grin. “So this is my offer. You can come back, but if you do I’m not letting go of you again. You’re mine until the end.”

I studied her for a moment, silent. “So...” I said. “Those are my options then? Death or being your plaything?”

“Is that so bad?” She asked.

“No, no, I appreciate having the choice at all. It’s very nice of you to let me choose.”

She bit her lip, the tiniest of frowns appearing on her face. “It really is, you know...” She said. “Even though I’d rather take you with me right now, I’m giving you this choice.”

“Why so generous?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Curious on what you’ll choose. That was always your choice, from the very beginning. Difficult life or peaceful death. Now, you get to choose.”

She crossed her arms, looking at me expectantly. I took a deep breath, mulling my thoughts. The memories of this place were blurry and indistinct, like a dream, but I did remember. My despair, my frantic thoughts, my plan to summon the King in Yellow. I still remembered it all.

“My desire to die… It hasn’t gone away, you know,” I said. “I don’t think it’s something that will go away with time, something I’ll grow out of. I don’t think it will fully go away even if my life did improve and all that. I… I still want to die.”

In the complete silence of that place, my words sounded louder and heavier than ever. She remained silent.

“But I am willing to go back,” I said. “With you. On one condition.”

She raised one eyebrow but still said nothing.

“When you bring me back, I want you to help at least one version of me to save humanity. I want you to help me save as many people as possible. But I need you to follow what I say.”

She looked down idly, tapping her foot on the asphalt road. “You understand that there is no way for you to enforce your condition, right?” She asked. “I’m not beholden to any promises.”

“Yeah, I know.” I nodded.

“So, why should I help you then?” She asked, grinning and looking at me expectantly, like a child at a pet that was about to do a very neat trick.

I came close to her and whispered “Oh, I think you want to help me.”

She smiled wider. “Why?”

“Because I’ll make it very entertaining for you,” I was now close enough to touch her, and I did, putting my hands gently on her shoulders. “Help me, and I’ll give you theater that you’ll never forget.”

Her grin went even wider than I thought possible, manic. Deranged. “That’s a big promise,” she replied, her voice quiet and calm, despite her expression.

“I know.”

“You better not disappoint.”

“I won’t.”

She tilted her head quizzically. “Have a plan, do we?”

I took my hands off her shoulders and shrugged. “I had a lot of time to think here.”

She chuckled, one hand covering her mouth. “So, is that your final choice?” She asked.

“If you accept my condition,” I answered.

She chuckled again. “Alright, I accept. Looking forward to your performance,” she purred.

She had only finished saying these words when I felt the whole world shake, as if something had hit the ground with incredible force. I fell to my knees, but when I looked around the world was still frozen, nothing was broken.

“I’ve started the destruction of this frozen moment,” she said, replying to my unspoken question. “Soon, everything will vanish into space-time.”

The stars started winking out of existence, one at a time. One every few seconds at first, but they appeared to be disappearing faster now, swallowed into the darkness. She extended her hand to me.

“If that is your choice, then take my hand.”

The stars were disappearing even faster now. A blackness was approaching, a terrible void, without fanfare, without sound. It was nothingness, devouring all. I looked at her hand stretched toward me. Her skin was pale, her eyes were yellow and her grin could devour worlds.

I took her hand, and in an instant, time and sound came rushing back. I was alive again.