How long he had been here?
Sun went down, changing place with Moon, and back to the sun. Stars changing position, gone, appeared new. The constant rhythmical striking of the waves and scenery with no landmark did not help and further twisted the sense of time.
How long has he wasted his time, sitting at this corner until root grew on his feet?
He was aware that he was wasting his time. He really does. But, no matter whether his mind realized that or not, he couldn’t help but be drawn here, gazing at the endless sea mindlessly, drown in melancholy.
Currently, there was alcohol on him and he was drunk. He was drunk in sadness. It was undoubtedly not a pleasant feeling. His heart was as if prickled by thousand thin needles while his stomach had a huge hole that erased everything including hunger. Furthermore, his legs were heavy when trying to move but strangely light like a feather once actually moved, and eyes were covered by a black veil that absorbed anything bright, no matter the shape.
No sane person would love having this kind of feeling. Unfortunately, there was one merit, enough to overturn the demerits. And that was the emotional numbness that followed soon after.
At first, just like drinking alcohol, it was nasty and bitter until you get used to it and drink like water. With enough frequency, people can handle both alcohol and sadness like it was nothing.
He was now, thanks to being drunk, able to endure his emotion and think properly for once. He reflected on his actions when he was not able to think straight, like brushing aside Nely’s kindness out of concern and probably causing many people to worry about him. The thought made him feels bad. It really did.
He knew he should hurry up and got to his feet to relieve them. He knew and yet, just a little more. He begged them in his mind to give him more time. At least, until the emotional numbness becomes permanent.
Until then, he will continue anchoring himself on this place, hoping everything was just a dream, contradicting himself at the same time because he knew this was the reality.
His hands still remembered vividly the sensation when he cut those people. Their faces of regret one moment before their final moment were also burned into his eyes. There was no way for it to be a dream. Even if it were, there might be something wrong in his head. Not that it was something new. His long lifespan had long done the damage.
The crackling sound of a branch told him of a visitor. He was able to tell from the step that it was Nely.
Somewhere in his heart, he was relieved. He thought, yesterday, he might have acted too hard on her, hurting her deeply. Rejection was hurt. He knew that better than anyone else from his abundant experience. When he thought his careless remark could cause the poor girl to cry to sleep, his heart ached.
He should apologize. No, as the oldest, mature person around, he has to! That was what it meant to be an adult.
Present and future had the priority over past. The dead would not come back. That was why, even though his mind was still trapped in the past, his conduct should at least mind the future.
No. Who was he kidding with? He was just rationalizing to apologize. What for? Who knows. He kept minding trivial thinks for no reason. It seemed he wasn’t sober even now.
Well, it was fine. This much won’t cause any significant problem. He had the confidence to reign over this level of drunkenness. No problem, no problem.
It was a typical response from someone who was drunk. Either way, Nely reached his place by the time he reached a conclusion.
His mind was full and clouded. He truly believed there would be no trouble because he was used to it. Which was why when he turned around, he was caught off guard.
The first thing he saw was the rare outfit she wore instead of her usual shirt and skirt. It was surprising that kind of outfit still exists.
It had been more than a century since the handyman job known as adventure went out of business due to the decline of ferocious monsters, together with the need to wear protective gear.
People preferred a smarter defensive gear mainly relying on a flexible yet durable material. Putting it the good way, it was classic or vintage. But, honestly, most people thought of it as out of fashion.
As if that was not a surprise, the moment he saw her face, that smile of her, his mind froze.
That can’t be. Impossible. He sprung every word of denial to his mind. Was this a hallucination caused by alcohol? Was he that drunk?
It was the moment where all his previous thoughts were scrambled and renew.
Upon second look, he knew the leather armors was there to guard vital parts, the boots that seemed easy to walk in was in fact plated with metal and durable material to handle long journey, and a twin sword hanging on her waist could slay thousand and save thousand. He knew!
How could he not know? After all, who stood there was his first and longest companion. She was human. Which also meant there was no way she could be here.
How?!
His mind shouted in disbelief as many times until he satisfied. However, his heart moved the body much faster before his mind caught up with the situation. He stumbled, legs giving out strength, but managed to cling to her.
She was warm. Her sun-like smell tickled his nose and her soft breathing brushed his hair.
Aah, she was real. He hugged her waist tightly, confirming and not making sure she won’t go even if she was an illusion.
His frozen emotion gradually melts into tears.
“Elyn! Elyn!”
He cried her name, moving his mouth and tongue in a certain sequence which he hadn’t done quite a while. Strangely, there wasn’t discomfort. It was as if he was still saying his name until lately; even though he knew that wasn’t the case.
Once his tongue started rolling, it kept going.
“I’m no good,” he said, tightening his hold on her. “This job doesn’t suit me in the slightest. I don’t want to do this anymore. Why do people keep doing this to me? I tried my best to help them. But, why. Why do they always hurt me like this? Where did I do wrong?”
He voiced out everything he had kept shut deep inside his tiny heart, never showing it to anyone alive. But, she was an exception. Whether she was real or just the result of his mind playing a trick on him, he couldn’t help but open up to her. She means that much to him.
“I’m sick of playing nice to everyone. I was never the type to help people out of goodwill in the first place. Only a few people within my arms reach. That’s right. I only want and capable to help you and a few others within my arms reach. If it was not for this curse, I- I-“
Before he could finish, a hand was put on his head. It rubbed him as if saying, ‘it’s alright’, ‘there’s nothing to worry’. It was trying to assure him that there was no need to think anymore.
So, he stopped. He let himself engulfed into the soothing she provided.
The heartbeat that was beating hard and fast from the shock soon slowed down and stabilized with her hand’s tempo. He was at peace. How long had it been since he relaxed this much? Not this past few years. He could go to sleep while leaning to her body just like this.
His mind regained the ability to think straight. That was why he calmly said to her.
“I’m done staying here. Take me with you.”
His words brought joy to her, causing her to beam a huge smile. He then let go off her, she took some distance for him to stand up, but he showed no sign of standing.
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When she was worried and about to check on him, he spoke while face looking down.
“End me now.”
He thrust out his neck, showing a defenseless state which showed no will to even lift a finger.
“That’s why you came here, right? To finally bring me together with you guys.”
His voice carried longing. There was no one around her, but he could see it. His friends and comrades who had gone ahead, leaving him alone in this cruel world. They were waving at him, calling out to his name full of affection and kindness.
Come here. We’re waiting. They threw such words to him.
“Yes, wait for a little bit. I’m going.”
He accepted their offer. There weren’t regret or sadness. In fact, he was quite happy. Life had been a pain to him. What was there in life for him? Nothing except suffering.
He had thought of throwing it away many times, but couldn’t. He was forbidden to do such coward acts. All because of the curse that bound him here. Any sort of self-harming was put to a stop. Even thinking about it alerted the curse to take care of it at an early stage.
By any change he was able to put himself on verge-dead state, the curse would take over his body, moving him to cling to life even if he had to drink muddy water, begged his opponent, or sacrificed something.
This was the case one month ago. Edmund had cornered him to the edge, Selv was unable to continue because of his old wound, then the curse kicked in. Ignoring his body limit, it pushed him, ignoring all pain, emotion, and price, to secure his life alone. Obviously, because of that suicide was out of the question.
If it weren’t for the curse that forced him to live, he would have gone to their side long ago.
His only escape route was the loopholes in it. By exploiting this, he could escape the curse’s graph and life.
It was what Edmund had tried to do. Kill him before the curse takes over him. Unfortunately, he hesitated at the last step, causing the whole plan to crumble and losing the lives of people who supported him. The most troublesome point was he couldn’t do it by himself because just thinking alerts the curse, causing his body to freeze in time when he does it.
However, he believed it won’t be a problem with her because she was capable and, surely, wished him to join her. He had the utmost trust that she would do the job. If not, it will be strange.
After all, she was a lonely person and he had made her wait for a long time.
“Go ahead. Use that sword on your waist and let me be free. Please,” he said, with a voice so desperate it sounds sad. He was a poor person who couldn’t embrace death on his own.
She gave him one eyeful look before nodding.
He was still facing down. There was no way he could know, but for some reason, he knew. Giving one final look at her, he said,
“Thank you.”
Finally, his long journey would come to an end. He was given permission to rest. What comes after was none of his business. He wouldn’t bother to even think about it.
She came closer after hearing his part, with unsheathed twin sword on her hands. It would have been logical to predict a slash to come next. Selv thought and hoped so too.
Betraying his expectation, she threw those away like garbage, crouching down, and softly, like erasing a weak fire on a candle, blow into his ear.
“Hi!?”
A pathetic voice slipped out as he stumbled back in surprise. The once calm heart raced again, flaming his cheeks red. His dumbfounded look conveyed that he was not expecting it.
She showed no mercy and pushed him down, hitting his head to the ground, and now mounting above him.
Only after his collar was grabbed, Selv noticed that Elyn was never around.
“N-Nely!?”
It was obvious. There was no way for her to be here. He should have known. No, he had known at the start until his drunkenness took over from their resemblance, especially that smile of her. Despite living in the world for more than a decade, there were straightforwardness and innocence not found on his or adults who had shared enough life experience.
When we were children, we all held those as if it was the most obvious thing. But, before we knew it, it was lost, swept away by the corrupt, dirty wave of the world we live in.
People are different and we couldn’t get along with certain groups. We are different from birth and true equality doesn’t exist. Cooperating is pushing troublesome tasks to others. Trusting someone is an action for long-term assistance. Giving is an investment for when we need something. Helping is to appeal ourselves in front of others and gain emotional satisfaction over them.
Aaah, world. You were ugly because of the people who tainted you first. And as revenge, you corrupt people who come next.
Yet, either due to their environment or their strong will, people who bore their innocence would appear from time to time.
Glowing amidst the dark world, walking their life as if the world was the beautiful place it was. At the same time, they collect envy and evil thoughts to defile them, they reminded us of our distant innocence days.
The eyes of such people were reflecting Selv, reminding him. Unable to bear the look, he averted his eyes. It pained him to look back because there was only regret.
Nely showed no mercy and grabbed his face to look at her, letting a cranking sound from his neck. He tried again only to be returned.
He had no idea what she wants from him. So, he asked.
“Nely, I would appreciate it if you get off me and explain yourself,” he said in a slightly harsh tone from being woken up from a pleasant dream. His mood was the worst.
Perhaps, that pissed her off since her expression grew furious and lift his head up and down. The continuous impact behind the head shut his mind for an instant. But, she did not stop and he was unable to stop her because he didn’t know the source.
While his head was moved like a toy, he caught the tears pilling up on her eyes. That calmed and gave him enough hint to understand the situation.
“I see. So you heard it,” he said in a low tone as if giving up.
Finally, she stopped.
Given the chance, Selv closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and decided to express his true feeling.
“There’s not a single lie from the words I spoke. You might not understand, but that’s how I feel,” he said, looking straight at her for the first time since she came.
“Living is too harsh for me. People who are close to me die first. My body can’t fight like it used to. I’m forced to help people even when I don’t want to. When I do, they repaid by hurting me. I’m sick of it. That’s why I will gladly choose to end this miserable life. I don’t care if it means running away. I Just can’t do it anymore…”
He laid there without strength. His voice was hoarse and, before he knew it, tears were also gathering on the corner of his eyes.
“Can you understand how I feel? Of course not. You who only lived for ten or so years can’t-“
Without letting him finish, she resumed moving his head. This time with even more vigor with a fierce face. Her tears flew all over the place from the shaking. To her clothes, grass, ground, and of course, to Selv.
“H- hey! It hurt. Sto-“
It showed no sign of ending and increased its intensity by second. Her face was covered with tears and snorts. It was definitely not the kind of face someone want others to see or have. Nevertheless, she did not care and shook his head.
What motivated her to do this?
There was no way for Selv to know everything revolved on that day she was kidnapped. When she was afraid and alone in the dark warehouse, she had the opportunity to listen and interact with Edmund and the other.
There, she developed enough understanding and a good impression of them. She knew they were not bad people from how they treated her and, although she couldn’t agree with their method, thought their goal was good.
That was why when they failed and Selv was saddened by it, she hoped to do something. Conveying it by words was the easiest way, but she couldn’t. Her disability hindered her from doing even the most basic thing, frustrated her.
Her only way of communication, sign language, was rendered ineffective because he did not give her his time. And it wouldn’t be able to convey it properly. In search for solutions, she first set out to find a way to get his attention. Her choice was his weakness.
One way and another, she managed to get her attention. However, she underestimated the situation thinking she could manage somehow. Then, she heard his complains. Everything was worse than what she had thought. That was why here she was, lashing on him while splashing tears all over the place, hoping he would get her message. That he was wrong.
Her intensity grew weaker by second. It was the limit of her thin, slender arms. Considering her lightweight and that, Selv could get her off him if he wishes. But, he did not. He had lost his will when he was certain a bum will be made on his head.
He, instead, watched the girl’s desperate, messy face with a calm face and put his hand on her head, signaling a stop.
That face again, he thought.
He had seen that kind of face many times. It was a face of determination of someone who would put themselves on the line. Based on his experience, they would do something with him in mind. Just like Edmund.
He never thought Nely would make the same face. Nor did he wish for it.
Seeing such face tightened his chest, causing him to grimace in pain. That was why he stopped her.
“I understand. You can stop now,” he said in a kind voice, reassuring her with the best smile he could muster.
Sensing light was back to his eyes, Nely gave him a final look and smiled before fell to his chest, crying out everything she had held back. She had accomplished her goal. Once she thought of it, all strength left her small body.
She did great for someone her size, Selv thought. He placed his hand on her head, patting her to sleep. Because of tiredness, both physically and emotionally, she soon fell asleep.
Selv sighed as he looked up the evening sky. The clouds nonchalantly moved along with the wind, ever so slowly, ignoring what he had happened on the ground. He felt storm or unstable weather should be right for them.
What a silly sky. He wanted to give it a complaint or two, but with Nely sleeping peacefully on him, he stopped.
“Seriously, sleeping after saying what you want. Just how selfish can you be?”
He poked her surprisingly squishy cheeks, causing her to groan. Looking at her sleeping so defenseless, he made another poke.
Stab. Stab.
This was his childish revenge for forcing him to live another day and he found it fun to make her groan unpleasantly in her sleep.
“You might think everything is done, but that isn’t the case. Living is still harsh for me. But, your desperation did make me want to give it one last try. On that point, you can be happy. But…”
Her action was not the only reason. While his head was toyed around, he found there was something going on here. Even if he was drunk, for him to mistaken her for Elyn, it was strange. It might be just his longing and reminiscing the past. But, something just didn’t fit right to him.
Her clothes were the same. What of the odds for her to receive that particular clothes and wear it today? Was it just the result of coincidence?
Speaking from his experience, it was possible. He had lived for a great amount of time and experienced such strange coincidences a few times. So, this might be just one of those rare strange coincidences.
Nevertheless, he decided to keep this on the corner of his mind for now. He looked at the sky again and muttered.
“So, I failed to go to your side again, Elyn. Sorry. Give me a little more time.”
On the sky, it was still not dark, but the moon was visible. Floating on somewhere unreachable by his hand, the crescent moon looked as if laughing at him.