Chapter 7

Silently, we entered our home. No one dared to make a noise. Roku had volunteered to report on our mission, and the rest of us filed inside. Ace went to her room, Ivory plopped face first on the couch, and I remained standing in the doorway. Ise was taking it the worst.

He walked up to the chalkboard he had previously bought. There were two columns on the board. Wins, and Losses. We already had a mark in losses, and Ise added another.

“But we didn’t fail.” Ivory whispered, barely daring to break the silence.

“Yes we did!” Ise’s voice quivered.

Ise seemed to be the most shaken up about what happened. It’s to be expected. He shot for the stars, wanted a perfect scenario where nothing went wrong. No bending of his moral code, no sacrifices, no missteps. But that’s impossible. Things will always go wrong. We messed up, and we had to kill him.

If he had fully absorbed Roku’s power, no one could stop him. I couldn't stop him. And yet.....Ace did.

I silently left the group, slowly walking up the stairs until I found my way up to my room. I had a blackboard of my own that I had purchased. Mine was a little different, instead of wins and losses, it read “People stronger than me.”

Number one Diran, number two was blank, and number three was Roku. At the time I thought it to be a little cheeky. Number two was blank because there was that big of a gap between Diran and everyone else. After seeing Ace....That spot might be filled.

I wrote down Ace in the number two spot, before erasing it and putting it at number four.... before erasing it again.

“It just keeps slipping away.....” I took a page out of Ivory’s book and plopped face first onto my bed.

Maybe the weight of these worries might suffocate me against my pillow.

What am I supposed to do? Things are more out of reach than ever. I thought things would finally change, and they have, but not for the better. Should I quit? Go back to Diran? At least with him victory was assured. We didn’t lose this time, but we failed. I failed. Now we only have one more slip up before we are kicked out. I might as well leave now.

I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I could just complain and hear some reassurance. Talking always made me feel better, the rare times I let myself open up. But I can’t. There'd be no reason to. It’s the same problem as always, and I’ve talked it through before. It’s not going to change.

Who would I even talk to? Roku? I’ve known him for years, but I can’t talk to him. Show him this weakness inside me, he's too powerful and proud to understand. Ise? Ivory? Ace? What use would talking even have? How would telling everyone ‘I suck, I’m not enough, I always fall short’ help my case?

I don’t even know them. They don’t know me. The only one who ever understood me is working up on the plateau, a whole world away.

I thought I made progress, but I haven’t. Every time I step forward, the road somehow grows.

“What a sorry sight you are.” A familiar voice rang out.

“.......go away. I don’t want your help.” I barely mustered the strength to talk.

“I’m trying a different approach this time, and I can’t really leave, considering you're weighing me down.” She spoke.

“Weighing you down!? I’m not-” Without me realizing it, my pillow had been replaced by a woman’s lap.

“Oh.”

This was a familiar sight. I was once again on the beach with the nameless beach girl. Once again, she eyed me with the same emotionless expression and talked in the same uninterested tune.

“......Why are you doing this?” I sat up. This time felt different, more lifelike than dreamlike.

“I think I’ve already been over that. I felt guilty for causing your night terrors, so I-”

“No, I meant why are you doing this? Why are you cozying up to me?”

The beach was far more open this time. No hut, no trees, sand and water as far as the eye could see, save the single, narrow bench we were both sitting on. The tightness of the area was suffocating.

“I just wanted to rectify the bad first impression I made. Our symbiotic relationship can’t work if you despise me.”

“So, this is what you had in mind? Seems like you're skipping quite a few steps. Why do you care what I think? Aren’t you just doing this to ease your own guilt?......No, this is about the other plan you had for me.”

“Almost thought you had forgotten. Yes, I was trying to get you to warm up to me so you could serve my own personal means.”

“At least you're honest. Now please, will you quit it? Just put me back in those night terrors, maybe this time they’ll succeed in killing me.”

“You seem to be forgetting the meaning of a symbiotic relationship. There was also going to be an incentive on your part to warm up to me.”

“I guess I was just distracted by you comparing yourself to a parasite.”

“Would a trade deal better suit your taste? I’ll put it this way. You warm up to me so that eventually I can use you for my goal, and I warm up to you. You can complain about all your problems, and I’ll listen. I may even offer comforts outside of listening and reassuring words.”

“So, I’d vent to you and you’d tell me what I want to hear? And comfort me in other ways? As good as that may sound on paper, in practice it's just not real. You aren’t listening and helping me because you’re my friend, you’d be doing it for your own gain. We’d both be playing make believe. I’m not even interested in hearing what those other comforts would even be”

“........Hmmmm. That’s strange. I thought you’d agree to it. I even offered more comfort than she did. Weren’t you just asking for this exact thing? Why didn’t you mind it when Tsubusu did it?”

“....What did you say?”

“When you and Tsubusu had a similar arrangement, you liked it very much. She’d be the shoulder to cry on and the words of encouragement and assurance, and you’d keep coming to the restaurant, request her as your waitress, and tip handsomely.”

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

“No! No! It wasn’t like that! You don’t understand. It-”

“I guess you never put it together because it was untold. Or maybe you just didn’t want to notice it.”

No. What the hell does she think she’s talking about? Tsubusu wasn’t like that. I cared about her, and she cared about me. Sure, my feelings weren’t reciprocated, but we were good friends, she cared about me.

“You seem to have not noticed it yet, but in this world, I see all and know all. I’ve seen all your memories; I’ve read all your thoughts. I hear your inner monologue as if you were speaking right now.”

If she can hear my thoughts, then does that mean-?

“To answer your question, yes. I heard everything you were just thinking. I have seen all your experiences. If that bothers you, I can erase them from my mind.”

“Yes, do that! Forget everything you’ve heard and seen from me! And drop that nonsense about Tsubusu!” I yelled.

“.....Sure, but not yet. By the time you next see me, I’ll fit better to what you desire. But before that, I’ll leave you with two thoughts. I relay these thoughts because your mental well-being is somewhat important to my plans. Believe my assertation about Tsubusu, or don’t believe it, the choice is yours. However, the fact is you can either hold on to that idealistic version of Tsubusu you see through a mixture of delusions and rose-colored glasses, or you can reach out and try and find a hold of that in your reality.”

Is she saying I can’t talk to people? I can’t complain or talk things out because it’s an ideal, a fantasy to think someone would care about me?

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that you don’t want to talk things through with a person. You want a ‘yes man’. You want to be able to gripe, cry, and complain about how unfair things are, and have those ideas affirmed. You want to be told that all your problems are solvable and that you can achieve your desire as long as you keep trying. You don’t want to have a real, meaningful conversation with a real person. You want the illusion of one.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Tsubusu wasn’t some ‘ideal’ to me. She was a real person to me.”

“No, she wasn’t. You don’t look at people as people. You see them as concepts, tropes, you see them as characters in a play. You’ve lost all real relationship with your brother, a man nearer and dearer to you than anyone else, now reduced to just an idealistic hero of truth and justice. Your three friends on your last team were nothing to you but characters. The shy one, the one that’s the butt of all jokes, and the gentleman sniper. These are the three traits of theirs that you latched on to, that you defined them by. Even your best friend who followed you on this attempt at a journey of self-discovery. You don’t see him as anything but the bumbling strong man.” She delivered this critique so casually.

“I....they...no. This isn’t true. Sure, I recognize these tropes they fall into, but I don’t define them by it......it’s just how they are.”

“Suppose it is true. Suppose your life is just a story, and all these people are nothing but characters. What then? For you, nothing would change. You’ve been treating it that way for a while. The people that you associate with aren’t actual people. They’re actors. But if you’re wrong, then you’ve been pushing everyone away, foregoing any real connection in favor of the most surface level relationships possible. You are friendly with Roku, but it doesn’t go deeper than that. You thought you had a deep connection with Tsubusu, but if that was the case, then tell me something about her that is outside of the role you’ve put her in?”

“..............”

“You see yourself as the one who has suffered most. You went to your room and hoped for that same shallow connection you had with Tsubusu, when a real connection is to be made out there.”

“......”

“You can continue to sleep, go through your day as if nothing happens, and you’ll find that shallow connection. Or you can wake up to reality.”

“Either one you choose is fine by me. It means next time we meet I will either be a better Tsubusu, the perfect porcelain doll to ease your suffering. Or I will be a genuine, real person to you. The choice is yours.”

…......I can change, can’t I?

***

Lee awoke in a cold sweat. How long had he been asleep? He wondered. He gazed out his window and was met with a pitch-black sky. No moon to greet him, only the occasional dim star kept him company.

He sat up, there was no falling back to sleep after that. It may have been nonsense to some, but it wasn’t to him. It struck something in his heart, something he hoped would be a change. But Lee knew not what to do with the advice he’d been given.

It was just clear enough to make him feel awful about himself and want to change, but cryptic enough that he had no idea how.

One thing was clear, he was done with these allusions of grandeur. No more protagonists, no more side characters, and no more Shonen bullshit.

Lee had been like a child, looking at his life through the lens of a manga, blaming all his shortcomings on some unseen author. Interacting with those around him on the most surface of levels, seeing them as nothing but characters in that story. That was no way to live, not anymore. No more faux fourth wall breaks, no more excuses, no more grandeur. He was Lee, that’s all he’ll be. If that happens to be the side character in this team, then that’s that. No more excuses. He’s accepted it.

Lee got up from his bed. The cold night offered him no comfort. He was alone in the darkness of night. The only warmth granted to him was from his blankets, and now his coat.

He left his room and began to head downstairs. He finally took the time to observe the house. It was a beautiful place, back home it would be quite expensive, only afforded to the rich or those with rich parents.

“Mahogony.” He mumbled as he observed the wood walls, carefully running his hand over them. It was not Mahogony.

He walked through the dark house observing and appreciating, before he found his way to the porch. To his surprise, he was not alone. At the end of the deck, was Ace.

Lee paused, was he to say something? When he thought back on it, he couldn’t consciously remember the last time he had gone out of his to socialize. There were the after-mission dinners with Diran and the rest, but this was different. Lee thought back on what he had been told. He collected himself, then stepped forward.

“Hey.” A simple greeting, but it held weight for Lee.

Ace jumped a little in surprise, before looking up at Lee. She didn’t return his greeting, and instead returned her gaze back to the horizon.

“May I?” Lee motioned to the seat next to her.

“.........yeah.” She said, quiet enough that if the night wasn’t completely silent, he might’ve missed it.

Lee took his seat next to Ace. He gazed out at the horizon the same manner she did. After a few minutes, when the eyes had adjusted, the silhouettes of the distant mountains and plateaus could barely be seen.

For some time, they both sat there, wordless, motionless. Only watching the horizon. If it was a pretty night, that could be understood, but on a grim, dark night like this, it wasn’t the act of watching that kept them out here.

“can’t sleep either?” Ace quietly broke the silence.

“I don’t think I’d be out here if I could.” Lee replied.

Silence again.

“What’s bothering you?” Lee was the one who broke the silence this time.

“...........I don’t know what to do.” Ace’s voice quivered.

“...........Yeah.” Lee mirrored her thoughts, his voice mostly stable, but the slightest of breaks could be heard.

“Why am I here?” She wondered out loud.

“.... Here as in out here? Because you can’t sleep, and you’re upset. Here as in this home and this team? Because you responded to our ad, and we hired you. Here as in this town? That I don’t know.” Lee answered. Neither of them broke their gaze at the horizon.

“......Why do I keep doing this, when it never makes me happy? I keep finding myself on this path, but it always leaves me...sad?” Ace sighed.

“....” Lee said nothing.

“I do the same thing again and again; I make the same mistake again and again. This path I’m on, it just results in pain for me and others, so why do I stay on it?” Tears formed in Ace’s eyes.

“......You want things to change, no....You want the results to change.” Lee frowned as he spoke.

Ace turned and looked at him, confused at first, until she realized the words were not about her.

“I want change. I don’t like things the way they are now. But I’m picky. I don’t want just any change. I want the results to be exactly how I want them to be. With minimal actual effort from me. I don’t want to put in the work to actually make the change.”

The silence of the night followed. Neither spoke as they had no more to say. After some time, Ace arose from her seat and walked inside, leaving Lee alone with the stars.

“Change......”