Ooh! I will definitely convert it! That vile, immoral, perverted creature that loves fur and feathers!

I will definitely bring it back from the path of wickedness!

After all, I have converted so many wicked fiends that you won’t even believe it!

2...no 3! Yes, 3! Ha ha! No need to be overwhelmed by my abilities, it is natural for one as pious as I to have converted so many from the path of wickedness.

But that detestable, annoying parrot! Ooh, I will definitely convert it. Then I will have converted...1?

Oh no! Maybe I shouldn’t convert it after all? Wait, this is probably one of its vile tricks!

That’s immoral! You can’t trick me like this, I am doing this for your own good after all!

But maybe converting that damned, despicable bird is too much for me for now, but then who should I convert?

Where can I find an evildoer to convert at this moment? Who can Lord Third possibly save from a lifetime of evil and wickedness?

Ah! Of course!

There’s an evildoer right here! Ha ha, you, yes you! Prepare to get converted by Lord Third!

You should feel honored to be converted by Lord Third, and don’t try to resist! That damned bird is the only bird Lord Third hasn’t been able to convert. After all, Lord Third has converted 3 evildoers!

Now where should we begin?

What? You’re asking me why you have to be converted? You say that you aren’t an evildoer?

That’s exactly what an evildoer would say!

Besides, aren’t you reading this story on a screen right now? Wasting precious electricity on a pitiful pastime like this when you could be outside working or contributing to society or playing with the birds in the morning sunshine?

Ah that reminds me! What? No, why would I think of that vile, immoral bird?

No, I was thinking about the sunshine! You know, one day the sun was really bright. Lord Third has only seen the sun that bright a few ten thousand times! But then, shockingly, the sunlight dimmed! Yes, it dimmed! Clouds drifted in front of the sun so the beautiful sunshine was blocked!

Of course, this was immoral! So I went up to the clouds and started to convert them!

When they heard the story of the righteous Lord Third converting an immoral tree stump, they drifted away as if they were repenting for their sins.

But I was not fooled! I knew they were only pretending to be converted! Lord Third is not so easily tricked!

So I followed the clouds and thoroughly converted them until they were trembling with piety! Those formerly immoral clouds would never again do something as immoral as block the beautiful sunshine on a such a bright summer day!

Ah! That reminds me! What? No I am not talking about that vile detestable bird!

I just remembered the summer when I was thinking about pondering over the importance of dirt! Ah, but first I’ll have to tell you the story of my thoughts on dirt!

Well, one day Lord Third was following after that damnable bird when that vile, immoral lover of fur and feathers threw dirt at me! Poor, handsome, kindhearted Lord Third, forced to eat dirt for trying to convert that wicked bird from its evil path.

But anyway, as I felt the dirt fall on my body, I made a startling discovery!

Dirt is not dirty at all! It is actually very clean, and even a little tasty. Yes, everyone should try to eat dirt. In fact, you should try some right now!

Here you go, open your mouth! What, why are you not opening your mouth? That’s immoral! You have to eat pious, clean dirt!

Oh? Your stomach is full? Well, Lord Third understands. There is another evildoer that has filled my stomach with lightning too many times. So immoral! I must convert him as well!

Ah! That reminds me! What? No, I am not going to go convert that immoral person, I have to convert you first! No, I just remembered the time when I was watching the lightning in the sky!

It wasn’t the tasty lightning around the square cauldron, but regular old, ordinary lightning. I saw it snaking through the air and making beautiful shapes and patterns,

And then I saw it! It made a handsome, pious shape in the air, a shape that was definitely...Lord Third!

Ha ha, at that time I felt the heavens agreeing with my pious, righteous labors! All those years of converting evildoers was worth it!

But then the lightning vanished along with the handsome shape in the sky. I felt so sad that I almost started to cry. But then I thought of the image in the sky and I was filled with vigor and determination.

I must convert all evildoers!

And so I must convert you too! And now that I’ve answered your question about why I must convert you, let me begin converting you.

Wait, where are you trying to go? No, no, you must stay. Leaving is immoral! Lord Third must convert you from your path of evildoing!

You know, this reminds of the time several centuries ago when I was converting a wild pig!

That disgusting, vile pig was actually rolling about in filth! Lord Third had to convert it!

So Lord Third started telling it about the time the snow was falling in the desert!

Ha ha, you don’t believe me right? The pig didn’t either. More proof that you are also an evildoer!

But Lord Third never lies. Of course snow was falling in the desert because there was a very tall mountain on the edge of the desert! There was so much snow there that I could barely believe that it was in the desert!

Eh? You say that that mountain wasn’t a part of the desert? You really are immoral! Don’t worry, Lord Third will convert you and show you the error of your wicked ways.

Of course it’s a part of the desert, because the desert was right there when I climbed up and down the mountain! If it wasn’t a part of the desert, then there should have been something else below!

What? You’re asking if I climbed up and down from the same side?

Of course I did! After all, I only climbed the mountain to convert an immoral old man who started climbing the mountain when my piety started to show him the error of his ways. In the end, he was so thoroughly converted that he jumped off of the mountain to repent for his sins!

What did you say? The pig? Ah yes, the pig. After hearing my inspiring story about a man who was so overcome by piety that he jumped off a cliff, the pig was also converted! The pig was so overwhelmed with piety and righteousness that it decided to die so that it could be made into pork chops for the people of the village!

Ah, these memories truly fill me with warm pride. You know, maybe you should show your piety too? Oh but you aren’t converted yet are you! I see you trying to press that little cross up there.

Don’t do it! It’s immoral!

Let Lord Third convert you and cure you of your wickedness. I will set you on a bridge to piety and righteousness, away from the wicked path of that vile, detestable, feathered fiend!

Ah, that reminds me! What? No, I am not thinking about converting that foul bird. I have to convert you first after all! I just suddenly remembered the time when I was walking over a bridge ten thousand years ago!

It was such a sturdy, wooden bridge. It was righteous and helped people cross the dangerous waters below and took up a heavy burden for the sake of others. Oh, how it reminded me of my own struggles! I felt a connection with that bridge because it was just like me! Although it wasn’t as cool and handsome, it was just as selfless and righteous as I!

However, the immoral river below it couldn’t stand that the poor, selfless bridge was helping people across. The river wanted people to fall into its path so that it could rush them away from the righteous path! That vile, detestable bir-I mean river, swept rose up and crashed into the poor bridge.

Of course, Lord Third could not stand by and let the river bully the bridge, so Lord Third went up to the source of the river and blocked it all up! But then the water kept going over the top so I decided to make a new river away from the poor bridge. After making a small cut into the side of the water source, the water started flowing down in that direction instead.

The poor bridge was saved! I went down to the bridge and although it couldn’t speak, I knew it was grateful! In fact, it seemed that a lot of people had seen the poor bridge’s plight because they all came running over. At first they couldn’t believe what they were seeing, but soon their eyes were filled with tears of joy! They must have really felt the bridge’s pain, because they started crying and wailing so loudly that Lord Third too was overwhelmed with emotion.

This was why I set down this lonely, arduous road! For moments like this where kindhearted souls would appreciate my work and the evildoers were converted! That vile river would no longer terrorize this peaceful bridge and it seemed that my efforts were effective in converting that river too as it calmly flowed down the mountain. Even when it touched houses or fences or even birdbaths, it moved about them gently and kindly!

Ah! That reminds me! What? No, no, why would I be thinking of that damnable bird? No, I was thinking about the time I saw a fence!

It was a wooden fence, made from perfectly ordinary wood. In fact, I hadn’t seen wood this ordinary in at least a thousand years. It was very ordinary wood. And it was a very ordinary fence. But that ordinary fence made of ordinary wood was doing a very remarkable job!

It was keeping in the cows that were grazing in the green pastures! And those pastures were very green. The type of green that makes you feel all green and grassy inside! The cows were happily munching on the green pastures, feeling safe because of the remarkable job done by the ordinary fence!

But Lord Third noticed something immoral! A part of the fence had fallen down, and the fence’s protection was weakened. The happy cows probably hadn’t noticed it yet, but they would surely panic due to fear if they found out that the ordinary fence made from ordinary wood wasn’t doing a remarkable job! So, as the handsome, kindhearted Lord Third, I couldn’t help but rush over to fix the ordinary fence made from ordinary wood that wasn’t doing a remarkable job at protecting the happy cows grazing in the green, grassy pastures.

First I assessed the damage. There was a small part of the upper board of the fence that had fallen off. I quickly searched for wood to replace it with. I cut down a large tree that stood nearby and cut off all of its branches and removed all of its leaves and extra wood to make a piece of wood that would fit in the broken part of the upper board of the fence but I made a shocking discovery!

This wood wasn’t ordinary, it was in fact, extraordinary! If I used it to replace the broken part of the upper board of the ordinary fence made from ordinary wood, the happy cows grazing in the green, grassy pastures would surely notice and feel afraid!

But what could I do? The wood was so ordinary that finding more wood like it would be far too difficult!

And then I came to a startling conclusion! The cows hadn’t noticed the broken part of the upper board of the ordinary fence, because they didn’t know what the upper board of the ordinary fence was supposed to look like! After all, cows are very stupid, so they would definitely not know what the upper board is supposed to look like. And so I started leaving, knowing that the happy cows could continue grazing while feeling safe and secure.

But then I realized another shocking fact! What if they inferred that that part of the fence was broken by comparing it to other parts of the fence? As soon as I made that discovery, I knew what I had to do.

I went around breaking a part of the upper board of the ordinary fence from all sides of the fence! However, it was hard breaking it exactly the same so it took a few extra tries but Lord Third persevered and soon enough, the fence was absolutely identical from every angle and the cows wouldn’t suspect a thing! In fact, they were so happy that they even came all the way over to greet me, never suspecting the danger they were almost exposed to. Ah yes, animals are truly gentle and understanding.

Ah that reminds me! What? No, no, why would I think of that vile bird? It’s an animal you say? Preposterous, it’s a bird! A vile, despicable, damnable, feathered fiend! I must convert it! I must, I must, I must!

But first I have to convert you!

You see, I remembered the time when I managed to convert another stubborn evildoer like you! The fiend was doing something absolutely vile and disgusting so Lord Third had no choice but to intervene and convert him!

What was he doing you ask? I don’t even wish to remember it but for your sake I will. That villain was littering!

Dirtying the poor, sweet, gentle ground with his disgusting trash! I was furious! I instantly went over and started to convert it! I told him about the time I helped a beautiful butterfly escape from a spider’s web!

Ah yes, that butterfly was truly beautiful. It had bright, flashing colors that seemed to drip from its surface and the pattern on its wings was hypnotically wonderful!

When I cut it loose, the people who saw it settle on their hands were so shocked by its beauty that they fell to the ground!

But of course, I felt bad for the spider that had lost its meal. But how dare it try to eat something so beautiful! That’s immoral!

So I started converting the spider! It was so thankful for my efforts that it tried to forcibly bind me to make me stay, but alas, I must always wander in search of evildoers to convert. It is my burden and my duty and so I had no choice but to decline its offer.

And the littering man was so deeply effected by my story that he ended up picking up the trash he had thrown and eating it! As I saw him choking on emotions and piety, I couldn’t help but thank the heavens for giving me the opportunity to do my duty.

Hey! Why are you trying to leave again?

You’re making me very angry! No wait, don’t try to close this window! That’s immoral! You’re a bully! How am I supposed to convert you if you leave?

Ha! I was merely joking! Of course I would simply have to find you and continue converting you! Even if you leave, I will not stop trying to convert you until your arms, legs, tails and feathers are trembling with righteousness!

Ah! that reminds me! What? No, of course I’m not thinking about that evil bird. No, I was just recalling one of my finest battles. A battle that decided the fate of the Nine Mountains and Seas. A battle where even immortals could only look on as their destinies were being decided.

The ground was soaked by waves of crimson blood. Shattered swords and shields lay scattered across the battlefield. Corpses were piled up like pebbles. The heavens were rent asunder as if they were being chopped apart by a million blades. The ground trembled as if the entire planet was about to be split into two.

Two? Ah yes two! If I convert you and then convert that vile bird, I would’ve converted not one but two evildoers! I must absolutely convert you!

What? You want to hear about the ancient battle? We have no time for that! I must convert you. Telling you stories about death and carnage will not fill you with gentle kindness, selflessness and righteousness.

And so allow me to tell you a story about a flower I saw thirty thousand years ago!

It had a flowery smell to it and it looked just like a flower but it was in fact, a sunflower! Sunflowers are wondrous and majestic flowers that follow the sun with their bright yellow petals. They are righteous and pious. However! I saw an insect trying to sully the face of this majestic flower. That vile, immoral insect had yellow stripes on it, no doubt hoping to trick the flower into thinking that it was once of its own!

The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

But Lord Third would never allow such an immoral act! I sprung into actions and immediately destroyed the foul creature. The pure, majestic flower was safe!

But when I turned around, I saw even more of those filthy vermin! The pure, majestic sunflower was still in danger! So I spent three days and three nights exterminated those buzzing beasts until I could finally leave that place in peace.

However, when I came back after a few years, the flowers were gone! I was so sad! I felt like I had failed the sunflower! I probably missed a few of those buzzing fiends, allowing them to commit a heinous, immoral act!

I felt sad for a very long time. Even trying to convert that feathered fiend couldn’t cheer me up. I had failed. Failed to protect something so pure and majestic! I had let evil win!

In my sorrow, I returned to the place where the majestic sunflower had once stood and kowtowed in front of its grave, begging for forgiveness. And then I saw within the dirt...

A seed! I felt like the heavens had granted me a second chance! I immediately planted the seed in a place where those foul beasts could never reach it - on top of a very warm mountain! The mountain had a red light flowing from its top, so I was sure that it would help nourish the flower even at night!

Although I haven’t been able to go back to check on the flower, I am sure that it has grown well and bloomed into a majestic sunflower that will follow the sun through the sky yet again!

Ah! That reminds me! ...

Aren’t you going to say something now? It’s terribly rude to lead me to expect you to say something and then not say it. It’s terribly rude and terribly immoral!

It seems that I will need to intensify my efforts to convert you. Ha! That expression of fear is exactly what evildoers make when they see Lord Third! It’s a good thing that the evil inside you finally realizes that its end is near!

Because now I will tell you a story about the stars! No wait, ancient cultivation techniques! Wait, wait, wait, hidden legacies! No, no, no, ancient demons!

Ah yes! I know! Let me tell you a story about...me!

Oh? You wanted to hear the other stories?

How terribly rude! Stories about me are passed down generation after generation all across the nine mountains and seas! You should feel honored that you can hear those stories from me, otherwise all you would have would be broken rumors and hearsay!

Now then, I’ll forgive your rudeness for now. A story about me!

One day, I was walking through a field when I saw a goat!

It was a perfectly perfect goat, munching on grass and looking at me with its adorable eyes! I went up to the goat and...what? What are you saying? You want to hear a story about me? Well, what else do you think this is!

What? You want to hear about where I come from and what I am?

How...how terribly rude!

I must absolutely convert a rude, immoral evildoer like you! Asking such personal questions, do you have no sense of decency and etiquette?

Besides, do you not understand how to read the mood? We were in the middle of such a wonderful story about myself and a goat I met on the way to a stream where I was going to watch the fish that would come out to eat the food that I had *ahem* procured from the city where that stupid bird had gotten lost! And you ruined it by talking about such unimportant and tasteless things!

Absolutely immoral!

But it really does seem that converting you will be quite difficult. Not as difficult as converting that feathered fiend though.

Ah! I know! What? No, I am not going to go try to convert that vile bird, I still have to convert you! Don’t try to distract me, I will not forget about my ingenious plan to convert you just because you mentioned that damnable bird.

Even though that bird is infuriatingly wicked and must be converted at all costs! Not just for my personal satisfaction, but for the sake of the entire world! After all, that bird is a pervert, an absolute pervert. Do you know what it does to those poor feathered and furred beasts? Truly immoral.

Oh? Where was I? Ah yes, the meaning of life! You see, I have spent countless millennia pondering over this question and have successfully managed to narrow it down to one million possible answers! And since I’m trying to convert you anyways, what better way to do so than to help you experience a profound sense of understanding and existence that will help temper your soul and your mind!

So let’s see, where to begin. Yes! You see, my first hypothesis is that life...hey are you listening? Why is your head drooping? Immoral!

Anyways, continuing from where we left off, life is a gentle breeze flowing through the crevasses of a valley dipped in golden sunlight.....mountain peaks shattering and reforming...even water cuts stones....death is merely the beginning...

Hey! Were you even listening? At first I thought your eyes were closed to help you concentrate and meditate upon the teachings that I was so graciously bestowing upon you but when I saw you drooling I realized that you were still an immoral evildoer that I absolutely had to convert!

Ah, this burden of mine is a truly heavy one. When evildoers scorn your gifts and your kindness and commit immoral acts despite your efforts to reform and convert them to the path of good and righteousness!

But I shall always persevere! Lord Third never gives up! I will absolutely convert you!

I shall tell you another story to show you the right path!

I was floating around the space outside of this planet when I saw something so incredibly magnificent, so spectacularly wondrous and so fantastically amazing that I couldn’t help but stop in awe!

It was a perfectly shaped rock! In space!

It was a perfectly shaped rock because it looked perfectly like a rock! Like an absolutely ordinary rock! And seeing that rock alongside the giant planets and celestial bodies, I realized that those giant heavenly bodies and this tiny, ordinary rock were in fact very similar!

What’s that? I said something very deep and profound and you’re quite shocked by it? Well of course! I am one of the most intelligent beings in the Nine Mountains and Seas and my intellectual and philosophical abilities are unparalleled! Wait a second! What do you mean shocked? You are truly immoral and rude!

I absolutely must convert you!

So, continuing the story. When I realized that the rock and the heavenly bodies were similar, I began thinking why!

But I could never think of an answer so I concluded that they weren’t very similar at all. One should always learn to question their instincts and discard any stupid thoughts that float by!

What did you say? No really, I couldn’t hear you. And what’s with that disappointed figure?

Oh no! Are you disappointed in me? Are you disappointed in me because...

I haven’t completely converted you yet?

I see! But do not despair. The fact that you feel the need to be converted shows that you have come a long way!

And besides, I will never give up on poor souls like you who yearn to be freed from the chains of evil and shown the righteous path!

So rest assured, I will never stop until I am fully convinced that you have been converted!

Ah, the wind. Child, don’t you think this wind is noble and uplifting? This whole place is so calm, quiet and serene. Wouldn’t you agree child?

What? Why am I suddenly talking to you like a wise old ancestor? I am a wise old ancestor! I’ve lived through thousands upon thousands of years! My wisdom and knowledge is unparalleled beneath the heavens! And you? You are just too immoral! Here I am, trying to graciously impart priceless wisdom that everybody in the Nine Mountains and Seas would beg for, and yet that is all you can think of? Ah, my burden is truly quite heavy, but I will never give up!

Oh evildoers beware! I shall convert the wicked and the vile and bring them to the right path!

And you need not be concerned, for I will absolutely convert you!

No matter how long it takes!

What? Are those tears of joy on your face? You don’t have to get so emotional about this, it is merely my humble duty.

Oh stop it please! I know that you are grateful for my efforts but I want to see you smile as I convert you to the right path!

Ah! That reminds me of a story!

Why are you crying so loudly? Hush, I will tell you a wonderful story that will surely put a smile on your face!

You see, at first I didn’t smile at all. How could I, when there was such evil in this world!

I vowed to never smile until I had vanquished all the evil in the Nine Mountains and Seas but I soon realized that I had made a mistake.

A smile was essential in combating evil! Whenever I would be converting an evildoer like you, their tears of happiness would always intensify when they saw my smile!

Evil flees in the face of my smile! Although some particularly rude and immoral evildoers would feel compelled to run away when they saw my righteous smile, I would always chase them back and drive away the evil within their hearts, souls and minds with my handsome smile!

Oh but don’t smile like that detestable bird! Its smile is disgusting and perverted and it sends chills down the spines of anyone that sees it!

No, you must smile like me! A handsome smile that causes tears of joy and happiness!

So I hope you understand the importance of smiles now! Come on, let me look at your smile!

No, no, you’re doing it wrong. Let me show you! Smile like this! Like this!

See! Look at your tears of joy! That’s when you know that you’re smile is perfect. But what else would you expect from the handsome, kindhearted Lord Third?

Wait! Are you trying to leave again? You can’t do that! It’s immoral! I haven’t even started the proper conversion process yet! I absolutely have to convert you! You are rude and immoral, but the tears of joy streaming down your face gives me hope that I will be able to convert you properly!

Ah! I know! We should discuss something now!

Let’s see, should we discuss Karma or the power structure of the Nine Mountains and Seas, the history of the Ninth Mountain, the history of the demon sealers or maybe we should discuss life and death or the soul and reincarnation?

Ah wait, I almost forgot! How terribly rude of me. No conversation is complete without the discussion of the weather!

Ah, it’s sunny outside but it isn’t too hot nor too humid either! Doesn’t look like it will rain but you can never be sure! Ah, the sun is so bright and cheerful. Doesn’t it make you want to smile? Ah, I see that the sight is so beautiful that you are once again shedding tears of joy! Some of those tears are even red! Yes, that compliments this beautiful day perfectly, don’t you think?

Ah yes! That reminds me! And before you can ask, no it does not remind me of that damned bird! 

You see, your tears of joy remind me of an astoundingly perfect raindrop that fell right in front of me several thousand years ago! 

I was stunned!

Since it fell right in front of me, I managed to see its perfect shape and its glistening aura! 

It was so perfectly ordinary that I couldn’t help but marvel at its ordinariness! Even when it fell and splashed all over the ground, it did so in such a perfectly ordinary manner that it was utterly indistinguishable from the other raindrops that were falling all around me.

After watching that gentle, ordinary raindrop carry out its duty, I suddenly felt enlightened! I realized that I too must carry out my duty to the best of my ability and never rest until I succeed!

I must always persevere, regardless of the obstacles that I face! I must complete my duty despite the evildoers who would try to stop me!

And so, dear child, fear not! For I, Lord Third, shall never waver in performing my duties.

Through heavenly tribulations or calamities, through unbearable pain and suffering or through any possible challenges or obstructions in the Nine Mountains and Seas, the handsome and kind Lord Third will never rest until he converts all the evildoers and shows them the righteous path!

So no matter what happens, I will convert you! Nothing can stop this karma that has been sown between us today!

No matter where you are and no matter what you are doing, whenever you have vile thoughts or are about to stray off the virtuous path, Lord Third will be there to convert you!

Oh? More red tears of joy! Oh? Are your eyes dancing with joy now too! And your mouth is letting out little bubbles to celebrate!

How wonderful!

I shall surely convert you quite thoroughly...