For 15 minutes I sat there. Curled into a ball. My mind in a chaotic mess of conflicting feelings.

Overwhelming joy clashed with overpowering despair. Desperately I tried to convince myself that I was interpreting my feelings incorrectly.

Multiple times I tried to go back to my old avatar. But I always stopped just short. Because no matter what I did, no matter what I thought, the sensations coming from my body could not be denied.

And yet I needed them to be. I needed everything I was feeling to be a lie. To be a sick, twisted joke.

Around and around my brain went. I was unable to escape my own thoughts. Unable to escape this battle between joy and despair.

And so I just sat there.

Butt ass naked in a changing room in a digital clothing store.

Until finally.

ding!

Hearing a notification from my PI laying on the ground to my right I instinctively reach over and check the new message.

“yo what’s taking so long?”

Ethan. Dear god Ethan.

What am I even supposed to say?

How do I respond?

‘I rolled a female avatar and found out I’m trans’? No. Because that would mean I’m trans and I’m definitely not trans.

But what else could I possibly say?

And when I go to meet him what do I do?

Maybe I should just say I’m feeling dysphoric as hell. Make a joke about how now I know how he felt all those years.

Yeah! That’ll work. Plus it should help me convince myself. Fake it till you make it right?

Just as I reach out to spin my lie another message pops up on my PI — this time without the ding since I have the messaging app open already.

“hey are you alright?

we don’t need to do this if you’re not up to it”

Instantly a wave of guilt washes over me.

He did all of this for my sake.

He canceled whatever else he was doing, all to help me.

But more than anything else, he understands.

More than anyone else ever possibly could. He understands.

Plus what are big brothers good for if not helping their little sisters.

At that thought — despite my best efforts to hold it in — another giggle bubbles out of my throat and my emotional spiral threatens to capture me once again. Luckily I manage to distract myself by focusing on the message I’m gonna send.

The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

“‘I rolled a female avatar and found out I’m trans”

Ok I wasn’t able to focus that much on the message, but this is all that needs to be said really. Because I am trans and Ethan understands.

He understands what it means to be trans in Salt Lake City.

He understands what it means to be trans in a Mormon dominated school.

He understands what it means to be trans in our family.

“shit

where are you? i’m coming now”

See?

It’s almost silly how worried I was.

As I turn around to go meet up with Ethan a new menu pops up this time displaying my new avatar — displaying me — alongside a selection of hundreds of different clothes. Instantly I am reminded that I am, in fact, still very naked.

Blushing furiously I quickly select the ‘Randomize Clothing’ button yet again in the bottom right of the menu.

Once more my avatar turns into a blur before I’m blinded again, only to find myself looking at myself in the mirror, except this time fully clothed.

I am now wearing a sailor uniform exactly like what you’d expect to see in a highschool anime. The skirt extends to just below the knees and the sleeves end just above the elbow. The base color is once again black and it has navy blue highlights.

‘Oh yes, hardy har. A sailor uniform. Because I’m both a Highschool student and now a fish. Absolutely no shot that was random.’

It also gave me some rather comfortable black shoes that match the style exactly and some dark blue — almost black — stockings. Truly the stereotypical Japanese Highschool student look.

Luckily the clothing doesn’t interfere with any of my fins or my tail — although the latter seems to simply be phasing through the skirt — and despite the obvious jokey nature of the outfit, it looks quite good.

Now fully clothed I exit the changing room and turn back towards the entrance of the store where I see someone rushing towards me full tilt.

He had brown hair and brown eyes, a little bit of stubble, and a fairly average build — not all that muscular but definitely not scrawny. Overall he looks just like any other guy.

But, more than anything else he looks just like how Ethan looks IRL. Which is actually quite odd, considering the fact that I don’t think I’ve ever seen him using an avatar that matches his actual appearance this closely.

If I had to guess he did it in an attempt to comfort me, and honestly, it’s definitely working. In fact I can already feel the happy tears starting to leak from my eyes. God I am so emotional right now; what is wrong with me?

As Ethan approaches he starts to slow down and a nervous expression appears on his face as he asks “Are you uuuh…”

Understanding the implied question I quickly nod my head and Ethan — seeing my strange tears — immediately rushes up to me and wraps me in a hug. Which creates an interesting problem. Since, as I am now, I am quite a bit taller than Ethan’s 5’11” — something which feels all sorts of wrong — his head can barely reach my neck leading to quite the strange hug considering our comparative emotional states.

However this problem is quickly solved by me slouching down and leaning further into his arms, although this does have the unfortunate side effect of causing me to start bawling.

I don’t know why. I’m not particularly sad or happy, but the tears just won’t stop.

Above me I hear Ethan softly say “It’s okay sis, I’m here for you, I’m here.”

And honestly? That just makes me start crying even more.

Even after my legs give out underneath me Ethan supports me. Silently, reassuringly he rubs my back and hugs me.

After a few minutes I muster up enough mental bandwidth to finally speak between sobs.

“I-I’m sorry… I d-don’t know… why I’m s-so emotional.”

“shhh. It’s okay. You have nothing to apologize for. This is normal. This is what everyone experiences.”

Well I don’t know if I believe that. I don’t think I’ve seen Ethan cry even once. Not even after he first came out as trans and got yelled out of the house.

“Even… you?”

“Yes. Even me. Although I am honored that my little sister thinks so highly of me.” He says, instantly bringing a bright and involuntary smile to my face which seems to spread to him too.

“But what I meant was that this level of emotion is what cis people feel too. I mean — for me at least — before coming out it always just felt like I was putting on an act, you know? Like I was playing an otome game and I just had to select the correct dialogue choices to raise the favorability score of whoever I was talking to. But now it’s… I don’t know. More raw, I guess. I don’t know how to explain it.”

Seriously? This is normal? Surely not. “How can people possibly live like this?”

At that he chuckles and responds with “Well you are experiencing something that’s pretty emotionally intense, but even then, I know I wouldn’t ever want to go back to that apathetic state. Even if my sadness is much stronger now.”

Well I guess that’s kinda fair. Although I still don’t fully agree, it’s not like I could go back anyways.

Before I can think any further Ethan speaks up, saying “Now, I know the original plan was to go to a public island, but do you feel up to that? We can just chill or something.”

“N-no, I… I’d rather go and do something. I want to experience life like this even if only for the next 60 hours.”

“Well alright then, trust you’re gonna love this place. It’s definitely the most lively island I’ve ever been to.” He says as I stand up again. Which brings me back to the height problem.

“Um, Ethan…”

“Yeah?”

“Could you, uh… switch into a taller avatar? Please.”

“I mean… Sure. Why though?”

“I just. um… I’m supposed to be your little sister right? So it’s weird that I’m the taller one, especially by this much.”

After hearing my reasoning all Ethan does is laugh as he makes his way to the changing rooms.