Journal entry N1: Jan 13, 1996

I decided to start journaling.

Well, "decided."

I got a new Doctor named Elliot a month ago. He looks way more fun than the previous one.

Doc said journaling should help me differentiate my hallucinations from reality and order my daily life so I won't get so confused. I'll have to show it to him from time to time to help him understand what happens with me. Well, he said that I will choose what to show, because he respects my privacy.

Yesterday I asked him if he knows if I am insane or not. He said that he doesn't know what happens to me yet. Well, at least he didn't try to sugarcoat it like other doctors did.

When I pressed him, he said he was unsure why I have seizures, and my patient records suggest that it might take time to figure out what is wrong with me, and how to treat me.

You see, dear journal, that sounds stupid.

Visions have haunted me since I was born again ten years ago. Well, as long as I can remember myself. Each year they get more and more detailed, and my parents are scared that something is wrong with me.

In my visions, I was different people during different times or even worlds. I was a hunter-gatherer in endless savannas that never saw snow, I was a rice farmer in hilly mountains, I was a scientist and a priest. Usually, I would die from a disease before my memories would fully come back, leaving my memories from those places even more fragmented.

More often than not I couldn't control myself going on a rampage before I reached twenty-five.

More often than not I was a murderer, a bandit, a general, and a warmonger.

In the magic world, I was a sorcerer leading armies of human-shaped monsters into battle for a reason I couldn't remember now, only to be defeated by overwhelming forces each and every time. Sometimes reaching my objectives, sometimes failing them.

I remember "my" two last deaths more vividly than others.

The latest vision was of someone who joined the South Vietnam side and died in battle having a lot of fun. Humans are such a creative species. I never thought that in a world without magic, I would be able to fly in the sky pouring death from above. Those were my thoughts in the cockpit of the plane.

I sometimes dream of that cockpit and it scares me. How could this person have fun with all the death he was causing? What was wrong with him, and why am I seeing through his eyes?

I remember seeing through another person, impressed when learning that humanity finally figured out the way Earth orbits the sun. I remember when I mentioned it before in ages people call Middle, I was burned as a heretic. I remember being drowned by the mob as a sorcerer when I cured plague patients.

It's quite hard to say if I am the person these memories originate from, or if these are hallucinations or memories of other people.

The world depicted in those memories is a scary one. The world around me is safe, comfy, and cozy. Well, it's not ideal, I still have to go to school until I am twelve, but I feel safe here.

I am more mature than other kids around me. They might be a decade older, but sometimes I look at them increasingly as if they are kids and I am an old man.

Memories return in waves, and every time they do I get seizures. The previous doctor called them epilepsy and gave me some pills against that. I still have seizures but now I feel dumber than I was before. The new doctor gave me other pills. They taste like licorice, and I hate licorice.

I don't want to drink them.

Today is Saturday. Today we are finally removing Christmas lights from the house. Had to delay it. Mom was busy taking me to doctors after the big seizure I had during the Christmas gathering, and Father was taking care of my sister who caught a cold.

I pity my small sister Helga. She is seven, but my sole presence ruins her childhood.

Not only do my parents have to spend so much time on my health problems, but she also is compared to me. Someone who will finish school at eleven and is considered a child genius. Maybe if I was somewhere away or dead she would finally get the attention she deserves.

Maybe if these hallucinations weren't happening to me my parents would have had the four kids they wanted. They are growing older, it will get harder for them every year.

My new parents are nice people, they are quite smart for humans...

For humans? Huh. Am I an alien to write that?

I shouldn't have watched the Aliens trilogy with classmates in Erik's home.

I couldn't reject the offer from the only friend I had in class. Still, I feel a bit sad. All my classmates were drinking, some hiding to make out from time to time. No one poured me when I asked, not even a bit. They are all six years older than me, and all they talk about is some drama in relationships and who-kissed-whom.

When most left, I stayed with Erik and his other friend to help clean up, and we played the PlayStation he got a month ago.

It felt so amazing I had a seizure. Just kidding.

Erik and his friend even decided that they wanted to make games now. As the doc suggested. Yes, this is a note to you Elliot, I as per your advice went on a quest to do something with other people.

______

Jan 28, 1996

It was my birthday today. Luckily I felt the seizure coming a couple of minutes in advance.

Parents, Sis, Grandparents, and Erik were here. Mike from our small programming trio couldn't come, but we met yesterday and he gifted me a book on C++.

We went to my room where I asked him to do nothing just before I collapsed.

I am not sure why, but he did as I asked. He just put me on the bed, as I later realized. It was an unreasonable request from me. He could have gotten into trouble but he still did that.

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

I had the vivid visions again getting imprinted in my mind. I explored them as if there were chambers within chambers. And in one of them, I saw and heard the name of the pilot of the bomber whose memories I saw most vividly.

I had a completely new vision too. I sat in front of a man with the power of a god and I was powerless. He looked at me with pity. I wanted to choke him for that. I remember shouting and screaming at him, his face getting filled with sadness the more I shouted. This memory of a rant was somehow important.

When I stabilized, I asked my friend to leave the room and rejoined the celebration myself after I wrote down the visions. The name was the first concrete and provable thing I have at this moment.

Maybe it came from a history book or a novel, but I am unsure, I put it in a long list of things to do.

Maybe if I travel to Vietnam I will be able to check if the name is real or not, this will finally answer the question if I am insane or cursed.

_______

September 5, 1996

We finally started working on the game when dad bought a computer. I practiced with C++ only on paper before, none of our programming trio had a computer at home. We wrote our game code on paper and gave each other to check it and incorporate it into our physical library of functions.

Today I put everything we wrote into the machine for the first time.

I was with Mike, who wanted to see how it would all work out. When I pressed the compilation button I felt something strange.

I looked at the code and it was wrong.

The language was wrong. Its syntax was ugly.

It didn't represent reality. It did nothing.

It was a lie. Just electricity creating text on the screen.

It wasn't....

I failed to hide that seizure. Mike called my Mom the moment I started to look strange.

It was the longest one up to the moment, 25 minutes. I woke up in the hospital completely drained.

In my visions I saw a battle of two armies in a valley. I led one of them. It felt brutal. I was hurt and healed countless times. I ripped the souls of champions in front of me and burned their souls to power my spells and restore myself.

Bloodbath that felt like an eternity.

I saw enemy forces flee and my forces followed them, driving them down the edge of a long cliff. Their shouts and screams as music to my ears.

Then the explosions rang and the floor gave away. The whole cliff collapsing under my feet, taking my army and the remaining enemy forces with it, killing most of the survivors from both armies. I floated in the air almost alone.

Well, not me. That person.

Anyway. Maybe I just played too much D&D recently.

_________

_________

December 22, 1996

We went to church, my parents grow more and more desperate. I haven't been in one for maybe two to three years.

I am getting a déjà vu from Jesus. I hope I wasn't Judas Iscariot in one of my previous lives.

I have to get better at hiding seizures.

_________

March 8th, 1997

I think my English teacher tried to seduce me. I see no other reason why would she put her hand on my lap, and throw compliments on me or pretend that she cares that I don't have many friends, or gently ask me if there is anyone bullying me.

It invoked something in me, a seizure in the bathroom to be more precise.

A new set of visions, depraved and evil ones. I never thought my first time … it was porn. A violent one, with blood and tears. The memories were so vivid I threw up right after.

I tried to throw that image out of my mind, but for the last week during the English class, I see that.

It makes me restless. Erik says I am just horny for her touch a bit, and that he would do her if he could.

_________

April 11th, 1997.

She was trying to groom me. In all my visions women are falling for me if they are in the scene.

I punched her a few times until she was no longer conscious when she tried to undress me. I haven't though that I could punch that hard.

It turned a bit of a ruckus as you could imagine.

Police believed me, she got arrested. So you Elliot might be soon invited for an interview at the police.

There is only thing.

I lied.

I didn't hit her because I was trying to protect myself.

I want to throw myself off the bridge.

__________

April 20th 1997.

Today was the first time since the incident that I went to school. I had to convince mom and dad that it was fine, that I was fine.

I think they are afraid of me. Even though they defended me, I feel the unease they have around me now.

I try to smile, but it is hard. I feel possessed by a demon. I am afraid I won't make it to 25.

Well, on the school. All the boys look at me with contempt, as it turned out I wasn't the only one who was groomed. All the girls look at me with fear, as if I am a small monster.

I am 11, for god's sake. You are bigger and stronger, even girls, you can beat me up easily. Stop looking at me like a threat to the world!

_________

April 21th 1997

I am a threat.

After the school three boys followed me and Erik. I haven't really fought for a few years, as other boys were either older and not interested in fighting someone who can die from a seizure in one punch.

Today was different. My body moved by itself, my legs positioned me where I needed to be, and none of their hits landed on me. My punches or kicks despite connecting couldn't do any more than angering them. Lucky me, Erik fought ridiculously well pressuring two of them onto full defense! So, leaving me only one to jump around.

I felt I could see everything happening around.

In the midst of it I saw a man in an overcoat sitting on the edge of the rooftop of the three storied tall house in the alleyway we fought. He was watching me and Erik. I couldn't make out his features, as the sun behind him blinded me. I felt he wasn't weak, and that I hated him.

He threw a firecracker into the fight dispersing the assailants with a loud bang.

When I looked up, he was no longer there.

__________

September 3rd 1997

We finished the game during the summer break. Mike, who is doing publisher negotiations, says that the best offer he has now is 50 grand USD but he will try to find a better one. I am fulfilled. It's nice to see your creation being valued.

Changing the school at the last year isn't the greatest thing, but guys switched with me, so we could polish our project just a bit.

You were right Doc, focusing on something made the negative thoughts go away.

_______

May 30, 1998

A year without seizures. Well, I had them and a lot, but thanks to Erik and my sister I was able to hide them all. I even wrote a letter that would "prove" that I coerced and blackmailed them to help me in case I would die on their watch.

I got accepted into Stanford. I was able to hide the seizures for the last year, parents think I am cured. Maybe after I leave, my parents will be finally happy.

My sister helps me to hide my condition, but I feel that she despises me. That doesn't matter, I love her anyway.

Also, I cannot blame her. When you are ten and all adults are comparing you to an anomaly that finished school at 12 and could have easily done that when 9 years old, it's hard not to get resentful if you are a normal kid.

It's also hard not to get resentful when a family is suffering financially for all that experimental treatment not covered under any insurance, and when your parents can't pay you enough attention.

Recently I started to place money into parents’ wallets and our safe. I plan to tell them about how much money we made with the game in a few days after we return from Vietnam.

We are flying to Vietnam to celebrate my admission in a few days. I found a cheap tour and convinced parents to do that. Well, it's a lie. I sold my share of the game to Erik and Mike, and bribed a tour agent to pretend that the last-minute tour we got was indeed under a sale, while I paid the difference.

Father was reluctant but my sister and I could convince him.

I visited doctor Eliot again as he checked me one last time before I flew first to Vietnam, then to California.

He is the only person I talked to about visions in the last two and a half years. He suggested me so, as people would consider me insane otherwise. He said that outside of seizures I am perfectly healthy.

A year ago he said that I am not insane, and that my mind just plays games on me during seizures. I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't. I needed proof.

Before leaving I gave him a sealed letter and asked him not to open it until I returned.

Inside were all notes I had on the soldier who fought for the Republic of Vietnam I could gather from the visions.

If visions were true - what I would gather would correspond to that.

If not, that means that sadly I am insane.

_____

Ugh... I tried to grab some of my notes with me, and father saw them.

He thinks these are D&D notes, so I am not allowed to play the game anymore.

Well, still better than him thinking I have genocidal visions.

I had a strange dream tonight. I was flying in the air, and my head hit the sky. I called doc, and asked him what it might have meant.

He responded with "It looks like you are just afraid of airplanes. That's fine. It was just a dream."