Eldan twisted back to look at the now formidable climb ahead of them as they sat on the rock letting their feet dry. “How many hands high is that, do you think?”
Cale looked back appraisingly. “The harbor wall is 75 hands high, and we are fairly close now, so 65 hands, maybe? Father says that the center of the city has been built on top of older cities again and again over thousands of years as the great floods came and buried them in mud until it was so high that even the great floodwaters couldn’t reach. He said that if you were to dig deep enough under the streets you would find rooftops. Your forgotten underground city is not so far-fetched. The city as it stands is nearly a thousand years old but much of it has been torn down, and rebuilt, too. Father said that the records of the old cities are lost to the floods.”
Eldan was vaguely insulted that Cale might not have believed him about the underground city had she not had this information, though he admitted to himself that her father was a far more reliable source than his own, which was idle gossip from boys in the annex, most of whom had never been to the main city. “I’ve heard of the great floods, of course, everyone has, but I didn’t know the city had been destroyed. I thought.. actually I don’t know what I thought. It all seemed like ancient history.”
Cale grimaced. “I only know because Father is a Keeper. Part of the position is learning our history as a failsafe in case records are ever destroyed again. Father told me that much of what he knows is supposedly general history, that anyone could learn if they asked the right questions of the right people. He said it is a knowledge trap, meant to ensure only the elite truly know our history while pretending any commoner could access the information. He is to start teaching me everything he can when I return as his apprentice.. assuming I do..” Cale faltered briefly before taking a deep breath to continue. “I can teach you, too, or Father will. But some things he says only the Keepers can know, that even if I become Goldkeeper someday I have to be taught directly by the Court.”
Eldan turned all of this over in his mind. “But why keep this knowledge hidden? I don’t understand.”
Cale shook her head. “Honestly, I don’t understand it all, either. I know it makes Father angry and he has only told me a little. He said I’m too young to understand the implications and that knowing without understanding would be dangerous, that he will tell me when I am ready.”
Eldan stared at his feet, suddenly feeling suffocated between the bilious sky and the black waters. He knew on some level that his ignorance was normal at his age, especially since he had never been on a path toward becoming a scholar or Keeper, but in this moment he felt a stab of fear as he thought about the gaps in his knowledge. Nothing he had learned was particularly important, and yet he was overcome with a sense of wrongness.
“Are you all right?” Eldan looked up to see Cale’s face creased with worry.
“Yes, I.. I’m sorry. I guess the anticipation is just getting to me. Let’s climb?” Eldan smiled, rolled his shoulders and began to reach for his boots, but stopped when Cale didn’t move, her expression remaining unchanged.
“River’s depth, I was being thoughtless, wasn’t I? Talking about being my father’s apprentice and even becoming a Keeper when you have to figure it all out and especially after Sylvan..” she trailed off.
“It wasn’t that, really.” It really hadn’t been that but now that Cale brought it up Eldan could hardly breathe as his anxiety spiraled.
“You know that I’m terrified, right?” Cale pressed on. “I’ve been told since I can remember that I would be the next Goldkeeper and I’ve worked so hard to make sure I don’t let everybody down but I don’t know if I’m good enough. I don’t know that I will even be selected for apprenticeship, much less that I will live up to my father’s name. I envy you sometimes, having a whole world of opportunities. I know it must seem overwhelming but you could do anything.”
Eldan felt a spike of anger at her words. How dare she talk about envying him for being directionless when she had practically been handed a path to becoming a Keeper? He clenched his teeth to keep from blurting out a spiteful response, knowing his anger wasn’t fair. He knew how driven Cale was to succeed, and how many hours she had sunk into preparing to learn her father’s trade. He had never considered the amount of pressure she might be under to perform to expectations.
“I admire you, too.” Cale spoke more softly this time. “I meant it when I said you could do anything. I know you don’t see yourself that way but you are so much more than you think. You could have been a blacksmith, abyss, you could have been a musician or my father’s apprentice, too. But I just know that if you find your path you could be the best of all of us.”
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Eldan swallowed, his sudden rage completely gone and replaced by embarrassment. He shook his head. “Thank you. But you don’t have to try to build me up. I know I’m coming in behind and I’m aware of my limitations. I just hope I can at least make it into a skilled trade apprenticeship.”
“No!” Cale cut him off with bark. “This is what I’m talking about, Eldan. You have to get out of your own way. I’ve seen the way your parents treat you, how they are so caught up in themselves and Sylvan that they hardly notice you except to tell you when you’re doing something wrong. I know that, and I’m sorry it’s been like that for you. But so often when you try something it seems like you are expecting to fail, just looking for that moment when you can say you aren’t good enough. Everyone struggles to learn new skills but the crazy part is that you don’t, not really, but at the smallest slip you assume you’ve failed utterly when anyone else would be thrilled to have gotten so far so quickly. I am trying to build you up, I suppose, but only because you deserve to be built up. I wouldn’t give you false hope if I didn’t truly believe you are so, so much more capable than you give yourself credit for.”
Eldan huddled on the rock, arms clenched around his knees, burning with shame. He struggled to parse Cale’s meaning, overcome with the sense that she was angry with him and blaming him for his own failures.
Cale released a long sigh. “I’m sorry. The last thing I want to do is upset you right now. I wish that just for a moment you could see yourself through my eyes.” She stared across the water pensively while Eldan fixated on dots of mud spattered on his pants, wondering why he could never keep himself presentable.
“Do you remember the time I tried to finish a ring Father was working on to prove I was ready to learn design work and broke it instead?” Eldan nodded in response, eyes still cast down, as Cale continued. “I was absolutely panicked and you were able to repair the work that I couldn’t fix even though you had never been trained at all. You recreated his work from memory using tools and materials you had never handled.”
Eldan shook his head. “No, all I did was help you a little. It wasn’t so different than doing decorative hilts at my mother’s shop so we figured it out together, but you did the work.”
“That’s not what I remember. I remember trying to fix it and making a hopeless mess while you studied the tools until you had it worked out in your head. Then you stepped in and rebuilt or showed me how to rebuild that part of the setting in a single attempt. Father is a Master, for keep’s sake, and he didn’t realize anything had happened.”
Eldan opened his mouth to protest but Cale cut him off. “Or what about that time Sylvan took your father’s old watch apart and left it in a pile of parts? You put the entire thing back together and it actually ran. The watchmaker had convinced your father to replace that watch years before and yet you somehow saw how the pieces fit together and repaired it in the process. Or when we got trapped on the roof of the church and you found a way to climb around the outside of the building to a window and let me back inside? A master mountain climber couldn’t have made that climb on walls so smooth, but you did. And what about Glade?”
Eldan looked up, his forehead crinkled in confusion at that. “What do you mean? Glade is Sylvan and my father’s cat.”
Cale laughed tonelessly. “Glade is their cat because your mother wouldn’t let you keep her. I have never even heard of anyone taming a river cat, even the ones used in shows are caged and restrained. Glade stays at their house for the chance to see you and she is as tame as an eyas. That day when we found her and her leg was broken she wouldn’t let me anywhere close to her but she let you walk up and wrap her leg and carry her home.” She sighed again, rubbing her forehead. “I could tell you so many more stories but I don’t know how to make you understand. When you do something extraordinary you seem to think it’s an accident, or something anyone could do in the same circumstances. Even when you work with the stave you hold yourself back. I’ve watched your spars and it’s obvious to anyone paying attention that you are faster and more skilled than anyone else on the field but you only defend, you won’t take the openings to attack. Most of your wins are just timeouts because no one can land a hit.”
Cale took hold of Eldan’s arms, looking him straight in the eyes. “This is it, Eldan. This is the moment when you have to bring yourself to bear. I can’t convince you of your worth, you have to find that confidence in yourself.” She searched his face before finally letting go and dropping her hands. “Please, just think about everything I’ve said.”
Eldan nodded, confused and overwhelmed by her outburst. Cale began putting on her boots so he followed suit, not knowing what to say or how to break the strange tension between them.
They climbed down from the rock, shouldering their packs, and made their way to the foot of the wall. Cale started up first and Eldan followed, searching for hand and toe-holds as they made their way up the vertical edifice. This part of the wall, unlike the low rock and sandbag wall of the outer annexes, was a feat of ancient engineering. It was made entirely of stone, each piece cut exactly to fit to the next without mortar with such precision that the wall was entirely watertight. It looked more like a sheer cliff than a structure built by tools and hands. Still, the weathered stones had enough small crags and ledges that they were able to reach the top without much difficulty, even while Eldan was unbalanced by the awkward weight of the weapons on his back.