Scene one
(Enters James the Bard, Benni Pildoc, and Inertia. At the border into the Growling Glade. James the Bard skips and sings.)
James the Bard:
Into the wicked forest we do go,
Through brainless monsters and villains low.
In search for a bright and worthy sword,
So Inertia may be formed to a mighty lord.
Oh how well it shall be,
To be these adventures three!
Come one and all to taste our feisty blades,
All ye who dare curse these lovely glades.
(Benni Pildoc and Inertia stop)
Benni Pildoc: Does he ever stop strumming his throat? I’m starting to think he doesn’t know how to speak!
Inertia: Oh I’m sure that’s not true!
Benni Pildoc: Oh really? Watch this. Hey James, what’s your favourite fruit?
James the Bard:
An orange, dear friend,
An orange tis true.
From its lava golden peel,
To its slices of twin hue.
Or better yet, the beverage of juice,
That even simple folk,
Not need to deduce.
For it comes from the orange, so tangy so sweet.
Oh, how it helped my woes, from the pains of eating wheat.
Benni Pildoc: See what I mean? And if that wasn’t bad enough, he can’t sing to save his life.
Inertia: He’s not so bad. He’s been improving as we’ve been going.
Benni Pildoc: Improving? Inertia, those dogs back there wouldn't stop howling and barking at him.
Inertia: They were probably enjoying the music.
Benni Pildoc: Inertia, they were running into walls!
Inertia: Well…(Pause) You know how some dogs can be. They probably had rabies or something.
Benni Pilodc: Read between the jowls man! A coma seemed more favorable to them than his singing.
Inertia: Oh so now you’re the expert on dogs?
Benni Pildoc: No. But if I were a dog I probably would have done the same thing. Actually, I probably would have bitten him.
Inertia: Oh come on man! Have a heart! There’s much more to James than his singing!
Benni Pildoc: You sure? I really don’t think there’s anything more to him than the voice of a warthog and a few oddly dressed rhymes.
Inertia: Maybe if you looked a little deeper than the depths of your assumptions, you may know his true character.
Benni Pildoc: Yeah, sure……….. (Pause) Hey wait a minute, I got something!
Inertia: Yes?
Benni Pildoc: Well, I’ve looked a little deeper and there may be something more to him. But uh-Come closer, I don’t want him to hear.
Inertia: Why not?
Benni Pildoc: (Whispering) Well you know how some people can be. Just one compliment may swell a man’s head up till he pops! Now, looking at it from a wiser angle I think I’ve placed another quality.
Inertia: What is it?
Benni Pildoc: Ok, here it is: He looks like he’s wearing a pumpkin on his head!
Inertia: Argh whatever! Let's drop the subject!! There’s no point in trying to influence the two-faced opinion. Anyway, we can’t just sit here all day discussing such things, we must enter the Growling Glade.
Benni Pildod: Alright then. Let’s go!
(Both begin to exit on the other side)
James the Bard:
Now off we go,
Into the Growling Glades.
Where hate and woe, (Inertia and Benni Pildoc exit)
Walk cooly with their shades.
So let’s enter in
This horrid place,
And may we never see
A Beastly Folk’s face!!!! (Belts out face. Benni Pildoc grabs him from off stage)
Benni Pildoc: All right come on
Scene Two
(Enter the Beastly Folk: Guards, Cup Bearer, Archers, The Fox, The Wolf, and The Bear, all Singing with drinks in their hands)
The Fox, The Wolf, The Bear: (Singing)
Aye, we are the Beastly Folk.
Our names would make Mordred die and choke.
Throats cut, houses slaughtered, destruction of all,
May our names strike fear in the King’s shining hall.
All:
Aye Aye, ‘tis true.
May all good things rue,
The day they met our horrid hordes,
And their dastardly, villainous, Hades-Bound Lords.
(All shout)
The Wolf:
Oh, life we hate!
Oh, death we love!
We’d rather go downward,
Then to the heavens above.
The Fox:
With dark and woe,
We meet our foes.
Like demons of the night.
Let our infamy grow,
Let our enemies sow
The cost of living the right ( Belts out “right”)
Way.
The Bear:
We are the masters of all this world,
Though we are lorded as well.
For our master sends us throughout the land,
With swords and blood, but nothing to tell.
In a day, he appointed the Lords
Of all the Beastly Folk.
They are his eyes, they are his chords,
To play a song to provoke.
These are the bloodthirsty Lords of the Beastly Folk,
The Fox ( The Fox growls) The Wolf (The Wolf howls) and the Bear. (Bear roars)
And last, of all, there is-(Shaking his head and covering his head. Pulls his head up embarrassed) The Swan.
(Enters The Swan. Dancing like a ballerina.)
The Swan:
Of all the lords I am the most fair.
I dance and grace the world with an air,
And my singing has no earthly compare-
(The Lords of The Beastly Folk throw beer pints at The Swan)
The Fox, The Wolf, The Bear: Oh shut up!
All:
By all Arthur’s bishops, how did he end up there?
Extra:
How did he end up there? (Belts a low note on “there”)
(The Bear walks toward The Swan)
The Bear: I don’t get you! We’re supposed to be the most vicious and bloodthirsty army to ever walk on the face of the earth. And you go for a swan?
The Swan: I thought it might be a nice foil to your dark personalities.
The Wolf: This isn’t a colouring book! We are not trying to contrast! We are trying to destroy all good, forever! The Fox, The Bear and I have led armies into countless battles, killing tens of thousands each time! But your group... (pauses)
All they do is dance and sing! And, when they are in the heat of battle, they swarm like teddy bears to embrace their foes!
The Fox: Gives a whole new meaning to loving someone to death!
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(All chuckle)
The Swan: I do not care for the bloodthirsty style of your groups. Sure they get results but it’s not really me. I prefer to challenge my enemies to a dance-off!
(He does a jig. One of the archers shoots his hat off)
Archer: How’s that for dancing?
(All laugh)
The Swan: Oh you barbarians!
The Bear: That’s not really an insult you know.
All: Right and True! (All laugh, except for The Swan)
The Swan: Well, I shall pay no heed to your lack of decorum. You cannot compare to my style, oh pigs!!
The Fox: Hey! We’re not pigs! (Pauses) We are animals! Get it right!
(The Swan prances off, to the other side, standing by a tree.)
The Bear: Why in the world would The Monster replace old Hawkbane with that feathered belly brain?
The Wolf: He’s his cousin.
The Bear: Oh, well that makes sense!
All: Aye Aye!
(The Bear looks around at the extras)
The Bear: Don’t you all have some sort of evil work to do? Get out of here!
(Exits Archers, and Guards)
Archer: But we can do nothin’! The Snake’s grounded us from our favourite game: Massacre the Village!
All: Yeah!
Archer: And if that ain’t bad enough, we can’t even play Beat up the Helpless Man by the Street! What is this world coming to? Next, you’re gonna tell me I gotta read a book!
The Bear: Do you want to taste the edge of my sword? ‘Cause you look like you have a big appetite for some steel.
(Archer runs and exits. Archers and some Guards exit)
The Wolf: He’s right you know, The Snake has pulled all of our forces in The Wilderness back here. I wonder why.
The Bear: He’s waiting for something, you can be sure of it. But what he’s waiting for I can’t make a guess at. It has to be something quite important though. Because, without our forces out there, we can’t keep all of those villages in line. Soon they’ll start thinking they’re free. So it’s obvious that, if The Snake is willing to loosen his grip on them, what he’s planning is worth the price.
The Wolf: Yeah, but what is it?
The Bear: Did you not hear what I just said? I have no idea!
The Wolf: Well….(Pause) I just wish I could ask him myself to see what’s going on.
The Bear: Are you mad? I haven't seen The Snake since he recruited me. He doesn't just go about and talk with his Lords. That’s something he leaves The Monster to do.
The Fox: If you ask me, Wolf, I think The Snake is losing his fangs!
The Bear: Would you like to keep your opinion to yourself!? They might hear you!
The Fox: How afraid do I look? I’ve served The Snake good and well for years, and how does he repay us for it? (Turns away from The Wolf and The Bear and grabs a cup from The Cup Bearer. Enters The Monster, who sneaks behind The Fox) By keeping us quarantined! What good is being evil if you can’t practice it on innocent people! Aye, that worm, that slinky, The Snake, is a weakling. And his stuffed pet, that Monster fellow is but his toy!
The Bear: Um...Fox?
The Fox: Hold on I’m not done yet! You see, if I had it my way, we would rise up against those pathetic two. I could probably take The Snake myself. Now don’t get me wrong you too, you guys are great and all but to be honest Wolf, your bark is worse than your bite. You guys could easily take The Monster though, I don’t think that guy ever lifted a sword in his life!
The Wolf: Um...F-fox, maybe you should stop speaking. (Whimpers)
The Fox: But I’m not done yet! Honestly, Wolf, it’s rather disrespectful to interrupt a villain from his brooding monologue. How can we call life a drama if no one is allowed to talk to himself for a long time as if someone was there? We would shame the playwrights! And we wouldn’t want that, lest we be cursed with obesity, a poor skin complexion, and those little rashes you get in the eye. I must say though, The Monster must have shamed those playwrights. Heck, he might have hurt the feelings of those Greek dramatists the way he looks! I mean, I hate to be rude Bear, but even your mother ain’t as ghastly as that! The Snake’s not even as ugly as him. Mark my words, ol’ messmates, one day soon I’m gonna be the master. I’m gonna beat down those two horrid wretches. And when I do, you two will live as plundering kings! You can go and kill whatever and whoever you want. And better yet we can get rid of The Swan.
The Bear: F-Fox?
The Fox: (Turns around) Wha-!? (Sees The Monster. His eyes widen.)
The Monster: (growls)
The Fox: We- Well if it ain’t our good pal, The Monster! You see, I was just saying how amazing you and The Snake have been doing at this business. Though I must say, as lovable as The Snake is, I like you better. You are much stronger than he ever was or will be. Not to insult the master, but I must say, you would be the better leader I think. Because you’re an amazing swordsman, and everybody should be afraid of you. Compared to you, I...I think you would make Uther Pendragon look as if he hadn’t lifted a sword in his life. And might I add how great you look! I mean I don’t think the word obese would ever apply to you. And your complexion-it’s it’s stunning. ( Jumps an octave at stunning. Laughs nervously as The Monster nears closer)
(The Monster grabs him and pulls him to the centre.)
The Fox: Now there must be some sort of mistake here! I mean aren’t we all friends?
(The Monster pulls out his dagger. And raises it over his head to kill The Fox)
The Fox: Oh come on, please! I’m sure we can make an arrangement here! Heck, you can cut off my hands, how does that sound?
The Monster: Die!!
(The dagger lowers. The stage goes black. The Fox screams. The stage lightens again to the sight of The Fox dead. The Monster standing over him)
The Monster: Would anybody else like to say a few words?
(The Bear and The Wolf stand still)
The Monster: I didn’t think so. (The Monster growls) Let it be known to you, that next time someone speaks out of line, I shall not be your predator. Far worse...Far worse will the hunger of The Snake be. Feed yourselves well, for there may come a time where you will be fed upon! Sleep, and slink uneasy, foulness of the earth!
(Exits The Monster)
(The Cup bearer grabs The Fox’s animal skin. He gives a wide smile)
Cup Bearer/The Fox: Hey hey! Look at me! Look who I am!! I’m The Fox!!
The Bear: Well good for you!! The struggle from rags to riches, from weakness to power, has always been a special interest of mine! But tell me, how did you manage it?
Cup Bearer: Oh it wasn’t that hard. I practically just put the animal skin on! I wouldn’t even call it a struggle, really.
(All laugh)
The Bear: Well, now that you are a Lord of The Beastly Folk you ought to tell your soldiers that you are in charge now. Tell them that you are their Lord. And give them a good kick in the backside if they act up. Metaphorically speaking that is. ‘Cause no offence but, if you tried to, your foot would probably shatter.
Cup Bearer/The Fox: Alright then, I’ll try to remember everything you told me. Now let’s see, I kick them in the backside…
The Bear: No no no, you don’t kick them in the backside. It’s metaphorical! You’re not really supposed to kick them.
Cup Bearer/The Fox: Oh! What does meteamorical mean?
The Bear: Oh well um…. It’s like saying Geezer has the face of a wild moose, (Looks at The Wolf) come to think of it though that’s not really a metaphor. (Both laugh) Um...lets see, it’s like saying that the sky is a black shadow of blackness and shadowy….um... yeah, that!
Cup Bearer/The Fox: Oh, ok! Well, I’ll be off then. I’ll tell my crew that they’re a bunch of moose faces, metaphorically speaking of course.
(The Cup Bearer, now The Fox, exits.)
The Bear: Wait no...that’s not what I…! (Looks at The Wolf) He’s gonna be dead by sunrise.
The Wolf: Yep.
The Bear: Well, I guess there ain't too much we can do about it. Now then, let us drink and sing of profane things, and then dream dark and malicious dreams! Ah! To be devils on earth, what a treat!!
The Wolf: Aye, aye!
The Bear, The Wolf: (Singing softly)
Aye, we are the Beastly Folk.
Our names would make Mordred die and choke.
Throats cut, houses slaughtered, destruction of all,
May our names strike fear in the King’s shining hall.
(They laugh. Then the stage darkens. And opens up to The Snake, lying on a rock, cloaked, sobbing)
The Snake: Why? Why? Watching. Watching, I cower and strike! Maliciousssssssss! Bloodthirsssssssssty! I am fang, tooth and claw. I am now that which slitherssssssssss. (Begins to sob) Where did I go? Where did I fall? What was I wanting? What was I needing when I met that thing on the road to death? What was I? I do not know! SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS (Wind blows, lightning crackles) It, it, it! It’s what I was after! It was that thing! I love it! How shiny I think and thought it was and is!!! How powerful...How Great. (Stage rumbles) I hate it! I hate it! Bright, evil thinggggggg I saw on the road to death! Two things I saw! Why have I been made thussssssss! I grasp it, and I throw it away in my thoughts! I plunge the heart of all I hate, then I plunge it into myself! I see it, I sing!! I see it, and curse it! (Screams) I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddd it!! I need it!I need! I need!! I need!!! I neeeed……….(begins to sob) Nothing! (Speaks sorrowfully) I need nothing but to turn back the clock, and……..(Speaks in rage) seeeeeeeeeeeee……..My past, weakling self! My self, when I was not myself! Self, self, self, I am that, and more! I am that which I am…..A cold-blooded thing: a snake. A snake made from the ghosts of all those weepers and whiners I met on the road to death. My skin is their eyes, my tongue is their ssssssscreaaammmmmmmmsssssssssss…..but-but my heart…that is mine….that is mine. (Begins to sob) That is my own! I don’t know where it is, but I will find it! Maybe, maybe that thing I met on the road to death will go away. No, no! That’ll never go away! That’s not why I want it! It, it, it. That thing saved me from who I wassssss! And forged me into thisssssss! (Stands up, uncloaking himself) Thissssssssssss! Thing! This thing I met on the road to death! It is a part of me! This thing forged me into myself, the other thing, the need of it, it, it, it, preceded that thing! It talked to me before I met that thing that forged me into death on the road to death. It said to me “Don’t you want it? Think of all the things you could do, push back monsters, crush tyrants, seize your utmost love!!!!” Everything you want shall be yours! (Shouts) All you need to do is take it, it, it! (Begins to sob) I am not a king in warriors robes, I am the monster that I wanted to push back. I am the darkness I wanted to destroy. So I must want to destroy myself, self! (Begins to laugh maniacally. Then stops, and sobs) Oh, why? Why! Couldn’t I have been made someone else? Someone else who had never heard of it, it, it! I gather no. But why? Why would I want to be anybody else, now? I am fang, tooth and claw!! I am that which slithersssssssss!!! I am The Snake!!!!! And I want it, it, it, it!!! I want that Great thing I heard of on the road to death. The thing! The Great thing! The Great Sword! (The Snake is knocked back, grabs his head and moans, and hears echoes of voices from the past)
Offstage Inertia: This is it! This is what I have been looking for.
Offstage Benni Pildoc: You’re not talkin’ about the Great Sword, are you?
Offstage The Witch: Whosever wields that sword has power over all he sees.
Offstage Inertia: I have made up my mind. I shall journey into the Wilderness and find the Great Sword!
The Snake: It’s in the Wilderness? After all this time, it, it, it was... there?
(Grabs his head and begins to shout)
Offstage Benni Pildoc: You cannot have James O’FluteBow tag along!
Offstage Inertia: This is my journey and I say we bring him! Map-holder Benni, where is the path to our prize?
Offstage Benni Pildoc: Well, according to the map, it is up north through The Growling Glade, and then up to Elder’s River near the coast.
Offstage Princess: Inertia.
Offstage Sir Kellington: Inertia.
Offstage The King: Inertia.
Offstage Benni Pildoc: Inertia.
(Lightening rages, The Snake screams as the stage goes black. It reopens to The Snake lying on the floor)
The Snake: So, this Inertia wants it eh? He so unwittingly nears the road to death. But he will be safe, for I will save him from it with my sword! What an odd contradiction! To save from death, by killing! But if one looked deeper than the sssssurface, one may see something more. Two roads! I walk the road of life which is death. And I would let him stay on that road and feel my pain if he did not want it, it, it! I will send him on the peaceful road to death! Life! You are but the first death!1 Curse the day you first bellowed your breath! Why why why! And I thought that name meant peace. But no! Roads! Roads! Why, why, why! All to some terror they lead! There is no escape from death for them. No third road is there to peace and love! Love, there’s no meaning to that word! Made by some poet it was! On one, a man may suffer slowly! On the other, he suffers quickly. And they all lead to death in the end. Why, why, why. It, it, it! Your soul dies slowly first, then your mind rots to hades, then your body withers away! My soul is dead! Yet I still suffer!!! Someone up there thinks it fitting for me to live forever on the first road and suffer on the second as well! Oh, I want it, it, it! I wish I had never heard of it, it, it! It will be mine, soon! Yet I want to never find it, it, it! First I must take care of that Knight and his map holder!!! All I need is the map to lead me to it! (He walks close to one wing and shouts) Monster, come to me! (Begins to sob) Oh why, why, why! Watching, watching, I cower and strike! Why didn’t that king thrust his sword through my throat! Life, I thought you were beautiful! I thought you were like her! She was beautiful! I know that! But I can’t remember anything else!! I can’t remember what was before! All that is before me is death unending! (Continues sobbing)
(Enters The Monster)
The Monster: What is it, your lordship?
The Snake: (Ceases to sob) Gather the men. I shall speak venom into them.
The Monster: Be it so! Be it so!
(Exits The Monster)
(Stage goes black. Exits The Snake. Enters, Archers, Guards, The Swan, The Cup Bearer/ The Fox. Opens up again to the place where The Beastly Folk sang. All discuss among themselves)
(Enters The Bear, and The Wolf)
The Wolf: What do you suppose The Snake wanted to talk to us about?
The Bear: Dunno, but, whatever it is, we ought to listen.
The Wolf: And we really must not tell him about the barrel of beer we snatched from ol’ Biltherbong!
The Bear: Do you want to speak any louder? Obviously, we are not going to tell him about that!
The Wolf: Well, it didn’t work out so well for us.
The Bear: I know. Can you even believe that it was water? Ughh!!!
The Wolf: I know. It was absolutely horrifying to think that you were looking at the only delightful beverage ever crafted, and it turns out to be water! Oh water, it’s disgusting. It’s so cleansing like I’m being purified or something!
The Bear: Please don’t say pure in front of me! It’s gonna make me sick. (Gags) Water, it’s so bad for your brain!! I mean, for one, it makes you….(Pause) healthy. (Says healthy in disgust)
The Wolf: (Begins to gag) I know.
The Bear: And then it’s a symbol for……(Pause, begins to gag) Goodness.
The Wolf: Oh please don’t!! Let’s talk about something else.
The Bear: Alright. (Breaths deep) Alright: Death!!
The Wolf: Oh yes that’s good! Keep going!
The Bear: Evil!
The Wolf: Ah yes! (Sighs in relief) How words can be like tonic!! I feel all better now! I feel dark and evil inside. Hey, say one more just for fun.
The Bear: Alright: Rotten apples!
The Wolf: There we go! Full relief. Alright then, now off we go!
The Bear: Right you are!
(The Bear and The Wolf walk in the centre of the crowd. The Fox walks near them)
Cup Bearer/The Fox: Hail The Lords of The Beastly folk!
The Bear: And may they be dipped in a poison pail! I say, Fox, you seem to be taking your charge very well. Good for you!!
The Wolf: I second that!! At this rate you shall be more terrifying and treacherous than ol’ Dragonburp.
Cup Bearer/The Fox: You really think so?
The Wolf: I know so!
The Bear: As do I.
Cup Bearer/The Fox: Oh thank you, sirs! Hey, you know, it’s rather hot in here don’t you think?
The Bear: Yes it is.
The Wolf: Too true.
Cup Bearer/ The Fox: This heat definitely calls for a drink to wet our whistles, don’t you know?
(Cup Bearer/The Fox grabs a bottle from his pocket, and drinks it)
The Bear: Say, what is this beverage, anyway?
Cup Bearer/The Fox: Water! Would you like some? (Thrusts out the bottle to them.)
(The Wolf and The Bear gag)
The Bear: No….thank you.
The Wolf: Oh, we’re fine.
Cup Bearer/The Fox: You sure? It’s nice, fresh, spring water!
The Bear: (Retching) Oh I hate those words!!
The Wolf: Spring…(Gags)
The Bear: Fresh….(Gags)
Cup Bearer/The Fox: Are you two ok? You look sick.
The Bear: We’re fine.
The Wolf: We are great. (Says “great” Unconvincingly)
Cup Bearer/The Fox: And you’re sure you don’t want any.
The Bear: Yeah, we’re sure. We don’t need any.
The Wolf: Perfectly fine.
Cup Bearer/The Fox: Ok then, suit yourselves. Leaves a lot more, pure, good water for me.
(The Wolf and The Bear fall on the floor. Gagging)
(Enters The Monster, who grabs The Wolf and The Bear and grabs them from the ground.)
The Monster: Get up, foul creatures! Is this the dignity of The Lords of The Beastly folk to walk on all fours like animals?
The Bear: I mean, technically, being a Bear….
The Monster: (Grabs The Bear, and throws him on the floor, then points his dagger at his throat) Silence creature! After all, silence is the perfectest herald of fear, as one playwright put it.
The Swan: I don’t think that is exactly what he said. I think it went more like this…..
(The Monster turns his head and walks towards The Swan. The Swan shudders and cowers in fear)
The Monster: I will cast you and your feathers to the fire! Now, keep silent, all of you! The master will be coming shortly.
(Exits The Monster)
The Bear: Well he was in a jolly mood, wasn’t he?
The Wolf: Yeah, I almost had mistaken him for Santa Clause.
Offstage The Snake: Howling wolves, sneaky foxes, growling bears, stupid swans, beasts, beasts, beasts, of the foulest kind! Come, come, come from the dust of man into something more. Come to what you are supposed to be. Feel, feel, feel my venom drive your heart to malicious deeds. Feel its death seep through your veins. Live as I do. Live as dead men on the road to death. Live as the unliving! Live! Live! Live! Why, why why! (Begins to sob)
(Enters The Snake.)
The Snake: Beeeee!! Be fang and claw!! Be that which slithers, or growls or barks in the name of me. Be all that your weren't before. Remember you’re past self, self, self! Know that you are reforged! Live as you are dying!! Live as dead men walking! Live as cursed beings of Hades! Live, live!! It, it, it, it! It is what I want!! Other’s search for it, it! And by your swords, they will fail! They are a company of three men that dare prowl in my domain of the Wilderness! They dare lighten the darkness of the Growling Glades. Find them! Find the map they carry that leads to it, it, it! Kill them, but bring me the map! Lords of The Beastly Folk, send out your best hands of destruction! Sssssslaughter! Ssssssslaughter all! (The Bear, The Wolf, Cup Bearer/The Fox, and The Swan points to one soldier in their group and exit) I want it, it, it! Bring it to me! Bring it, it, it! ! (The Snake exits) I want it, it, it! I love it, it, it! I hate it, it, it! Oh it, it, (screams in rage)! (The Stage goes black)