Inertia:
A Play
Act One
Scene One
(Enters the Announcer, skipping, then falling. He cleans himself off)
Announcer:
Here ye, here ye, listen all ye folk well.
For this news I bring shall be sportish glee,
To all blood-thirsty hearts of common mold:
Today up yonder at the jousting grounds,
There shall be born a match all will enjoy.
With great hearts of stone two knights shall enter
In the arena which holds their glory.
In bright chivalry will they face their foe.
And battle for the rewards of prestige.
These two men which I have spoken of,
Who are both equal in stature and strength,
Are the Sir Inertia Pufflewig
And the stout and brave Sir Kellington.
These two grand war men shall battle it out,
When the clock trembles at the stroke of eight.
Cheers of blood shall the congregation bring,
All of this shall be so, thus saith The King!
(Announcer exits. The curtain opens to a small village in the center of which there is a well. When the stage is dark the actors are still, until the lights turn on and they unfreeze. Ladies with all manner of baskets and apparel exit to the right-wing and left-wing. Other ladies gather together and talk in groups. Men, clad in pitchforks and tools of their trade, hum a tune as they work in the background.)
Lady One: Ha! “Equal in stature and equal in strength” I’ve seen twelve-year-olds beat that shorty. A sad incompetent toothpick of a man is Inertia!
Lady Two: ‘Tis true madam, never was there a bigger fool than ‘em!
All: Aye aye!
Man worker One: Did you see the match where he lost his pants?
(All laugh)
Man worker Two: Yeah! Or how ‘bout the one where he tripped over his own lance?
All: Aye!
Lady One: Never in all this merry country shall there ever be,
All: A more bumbling fool than he! (Say this rhyme with playfulness)
(The man workers resume their trades in the background. All the ladies exit. And enters Baeldy The Wrestler, and his sister, Nancy.)
Nancy: Well dear brother, let us go to the well and drink the spring water inside.
Baeldy: I had no idea that water came in seasons! What will they think of next? I thought there was no room left for vision when they made seasoned foods, but now a man has had the creativity to make seasoned water? Ah! The sky’s the limit!
Nancy: No brother, I meant spring water. Like from a spring.
Baeldy: Oh... I knew that!
Nancy: Of course you did
(They go to the well, sit there, and take a drink from it. Nancy sees Benni Pildoc from off stage.)
Nancy: Oh no! Baeldy, look who’s coming toward us.
(Baeldy sees him)
Baeldy: Oh look, there’s our good and honest friend Benni Pildoc!
Nancy: No Baeldy, he is not our good and honest friend.
Baeldy: He isn’t?... Well... Of course, he’s not! I knew that! You didn’t have to tell me! What do you think I am, a-!?
Nancy: No, just listen. He’s going to try to get us to bet on his brother Inertia so he can get all the money when he loses. But we are not gonna let that happen this time, because we are going to be on our most serpent-like thinking. Now, you just follow my lead and our poor wallets will be spared.
Baeldy: Right! I gotta mind like a steel nap!
Nancy: Don’t you mean “Steel trap”?
Baeldy: That’s what I said.
Nancy: Of course that’s what you said.
(Enters Benni Pildoc, skipping in a jolly manner while singing a merry tune aloud. He sees Nancy and Baeldy and skips to them.)
Benni Pildoc: Well what do we have here? It’s my two most favorite chums in the world!
Nancy: Oh enough with your flattery. What do you want?
Benni Pildoc: Is this how an old friend is treated? Me wanting something from you two? Balderdash! I was just going to ask if you two are going to the jousting grounds to see the match.
Nancy: I haven’t the slightest inclination to go. You feel the same way, too, don’t you Baeldy?
Baeldy: I do?
(Nancy forcefully nods her head at him)
Baeldy: Oh yes I do!
Benni Pildoc: And may I ask you, Baldy, why aren't you going?
Baeldy: Well, um... I... umm… Oi Yeah! I know! Well you see, I find that these days jousting is all about bloodshed. I prefer a match won with finesse (says it fine-nessy) and technique. (Tech-niku)
Benni Pildoc: Don’t you mean, finesse and technique? (says it normally)
Baeldy: That’s what I said.
Bennie Pildoc: Now Baldy, how many times have I told you not to use words that are bigger than your brain?
(Baeldy charges at him. Benni Pildoc ducks aside while Nancy keeps Baeldy away from him.)
Nancy: Alright! Enough with you two!
Benni Pildoc: Where did you hear all that rubbish anyway?
Baeldy: From the wandering sage in the red jacket. He’s smart, so I thought, t’wouldn’t be bad if I listened to ‘em.
Benni Pildoc: Are all common brains so influenced by whatever is told to them?
(Nancy and Baeldy think about it for a minute, then nod in unison.)
Nancy: Pretty much.
Baeldy: Yeah.
Benni Pildoc: So I take it you won’t be betting on the match?
Nancy: If I were I would be going to it.
Benni Pildoc: Well, that’s a rotten shame, ‘cause I was just thinking-
Nancy: And this is where your merry tune is interrupted. We all know how it goes anyway. You convince us to bet on Inertia with your claim that there's “No way he can lose this time”. He loses, and we end up all the poorer.
(Benni looks insulted)
Benni Pildoc: Ah! Now, Nancy, you know how much that hurts me. Swindled you? I would never!
Nancy: Really? How about the time you said that Inertia had switched his opponent’s armor out with potato sacks painted like golden armor.
Benni Pildoc: Well I-
Nancy: Or how about the time when you said that Inertia’s opponent had Narcolepsy and would fall asleep during the match.
Benni Pildoc: It was pure bad luck that he didn’t.
Nancy: Well your luck shall not be any different. You will not be the tyrant of our brains this time!
(Both begin to exit)
Benni Pildoc: What if I told you there was absolutely no way he could lose this time?
(They stop. Nancy looks back at him.)
Nancy: And what makes this time any different?
Benni Pildoc: Well, my lovely daffodil, I will tell you.
Nancy: Oh cut all the puffery! We all know you see me with as much beauty as you do a crow.
Benni Pildoc: Well, I don’t know, I’ve seen a few crows in my day who looked quite-
Nancy: Just get to the point!
Benni Pildoc: ... Alright, I will. Now, as I was saying, there’s no way he could lose! I’ll be glad to tell you how, but first... (He begins to whisper.) You need to come closer, for what I am about to tell you must never be said to another soul. (He beckons them to come closer.) You see, he’s been using..Witchcraft!
(They gasp)
Nancy And Baeldy: Witchcraft!
Benni Pildoc: Shh! Shh! This must not be told to another soul! You must promise not to say anything, you hear?
(They both nod)
Benni Pildoc: Good. Now, anyway, his powers have grown great. So much so, that the minute his opponent enters the ring, he’ll float away like a cloud. And the match will be his!
Baeldy: Oh yes! Maybe we could win some money this time!!
Nancy: Hold on, this sounds great and all, but I’m still not sure. There’s something that doesn’t make sense.
Benni Pildoc: And what might that be?
Nancy: I take it you’re betting against your brother like you always do... am I correct?
Benni Pildoc: You are.
Nancy: Well if it’s such a sure thing he’s gonna win, why aren’t you betting for him? Hmm?
Benni Pildoc: My moral compass prohibits me from doing so.
Baeldy: Wait, what?
Benni Pildoc: My gosh! Listen, Baldy, let me explain this to you slowly. I think that what Inertia is doing is bad, which means the opposite of good. So, I don’t want to bet on him because what he is doing I think is wrong, which means the opposite of right.
Baeldy: Oh...um...Yeah, I knew that!
Benni Pildoc: Yeah, sure you did.
Nancy: Well this is just grand! We’ll be swimming in money by tomorrow! (She giggles in excitement)
Benni Pildoc: Right and true you will be! Now place your bets. (He reveals a bucket and the two siblings put coins in it.) Have a lovely afternoon! I’ll see you at the match.
(He exits, skipping the entire way)
Nancy: Oh Baeldy our luck has finally changed. He’s using witchcraft of all the craziest things!
Baeldy: Yeah, it’s almost too crazy to be true.
Nancy: It is, isn’t it? It’s almost as crazy as one of those wild lies Benni would tell us to……(Realizes she was tricked. Nancy looks at Baeldy, her eyes wide.)
Nancy: Baeldy?
Baeldy: We just got fooled, didn’t we?
(Both pause in shock and anger.)
Nancy: Benni Pildoc, you scoundrel! I’m gonna kill you! (Begins to exit)
Baeldy: Not if I kill him first! (Begins to exit)
(They Exit)
Scene Two
(Scene opens to a large audience seated arena where a fight is just ending)
(Enter’s Announcer)
Announcer: And that was Wellington the Barbarian versus John the Boar, with John the Boar coming out as the victor. But now to the match you've all been waiting for: Sir Kellington versus Sir Inertia Pufflew-! (Enter’s Extra who whispers something inaudible to Announcer) No, you’ve got to be kidding me! (Extra shakes his head) Are you serious? (Extra nods) I can’t believe this! (Extra exits) I apologize, my friends, but due to complications with one of our contestants, we must delay our match for a few minutes.
(Crowd groans)
Crowd Person 1: Due to complications? What’d Inertia do this time?
Announcer: He um... He put a helmet on backward that was too small for his head, so he can’t turn it around. (Crowd groans) Unfortunately, nothing can be done to speed up the process so……..
Crowd Person 2: What ‘bout our fight!?
Crowd Person 3: We wanted some blood!
Crowd Person 4: You want some blood? Let’s draw it from that snobbish turd with the ugly doublet down there.
Announcer: Now please! Calm down!
Crowd person four: That announcer is a weakling! Why, I could take that fancy-pants with a banana peel!
Announcer: Alright now you have gone too far! Whatever braggart who dares fight me with a banana peel (draws sword) I am ready!
(Crowd person four enters the arena from the arena seats with a banana peel)
Announcer: Ah, here is the witless knave who dares blot my honor with a mere fruit. Do you know the wrath that you have unleashed upon yourself today Sirrah? Do you know that you have dared to pollute my superior class with the remains of a lump of potassium? Do you know that you have-
Crowd Person 4: You talk a lot for someone who wants to fight.
Announcer: Then let us begin, fool!
(Announcer starts in a ready position, then begins to twirl his sword as he circles around Crowd Person 4. Crowd person four doesn't move.)
Announcer: (Still circling and twirling) What has happened, fruit man!? Have you been shocked still at the sight of my fascinating swordsmanship? Why, you are no true fighter, Sirrah, you are but a- (Crowd Person 4 reaches out and slaps Announcer in the face with his banana peel. Announcer begins to blubber, then sobs, then exits crying.)
(Crowd cheers)
Crowd Person 4: Ah ha!
Benni Pildoc: All hail Talsek, Banana-Wielder!
All: Hail to the Banana-Wielder!
(Crowd Person 4 bows.)
(Enters Announcer, with a handkerchief, sniffling)
Announcer: The match is about to begin. Now, on your right corner, please welcome-
(Crowd Person 4 pushes Announcer aside)
Crowd Person 4: Alright that’s enough of that. It’s time for a real man to announce the coming of a duel! Now in the right corner, shout loudly for the brave, the strong, the undefeated champion, Sir John Kellington!
(Enters Sir Kellington leading his horse)
(Crowd cheers)
Crowd Person 4: Standing at six foot five, and weighing a solid two-twenty! Sir Kellington bears the honor of our King’s name! Being his son and whatnot. And let me tell you the King is mighty proud of his 67-0 record! One more thing to add as well: he is the most eligible bachelor in the land! So, to all ladies near and far, ‘tis open season on trying to win his heart. (All girls swoon and gasp) Of course, that only applies to royalty or nobility, for any class lower would forever shame and blot the name of Kellington.
(Crowd cheers. Sir Kellington smiles and waves)
Crowd Person 4: And in our left corner, please feel free to burst out laughing at the sight of the royal Lord Triptwig- Sir Inertia Pufflewig!
(Crowd laughs as Inertia enters, trying to pull the horse forward, then falls flat on his face. More laughing)
Crowd Person 4: Standing at a gangly six foot two, and weighing a horrifying one forty! The laughable Inertia Pufflewig has never won a joust, so you can imagine how easy this match is going to be for Sir Kellington! He’s the greatest at making himself look like a fool, and that’s why we can’t wait to watch the idiot “fight”! (use quotation marks, or say it sarcastically)
(Inertia looks indignant)
Crowd Person 4: Now sirs, on your horses!
(Sir Kellington makes it on with ease. Inertia attempts to get on multiple times but keeps falling off.)
Crowd Person 3: Get on your ‘orse already!
(Finally gets on with the help of a scrawny stable boy)
Crowd Person 4: Before we begin Sirs, do you have any final comments before you take to arms?
Inertia: For the Princess whom I love with all of my soul, I give myself to this joust, so that she may be wooed by my attempts to win her heart!
(Raises his hand to the Princess, Princess smiles)
Inertia: And for the honor of my family name, Pufflewig! May it shine eternally in fiery glory!
Crowd Person 1: Shine in glory? I know clowns that have better names!
Crowd Person 2: I think he’d make a pretty good clown, don’t you think?
Crowd Person 4: Now, hush up, all of ya! We’ve got a fight to see and your jabs are not making the wait shorter. It’s not nice to make towering bird brains wait too long! (Begins to laugh. Inertia slowly turns his head towards him. He begins to nervously laugh) (He laughs) Oh...uhh sorry ‘bout that, couldn’t help me’self. Anyway, Sir Kellington, do you have anything to say?
Sir Kellington: I have nothing to say at present. My victory shall speak for itself.
Inertia: Be not to hasty sir, to predict the match! You are no prophet!
Sir Kellington: I don’t need to be. A blind man could predict this match!
Crowd Person 4: Alright now! Alright! Leave the fighting for your swords and spears! Now, ready position! (They ready) And...charge!
(Crowd person four exits.)
(They fight, with Inertia losing horribly the entire time. Benni Pildoc gets up and begins to sell things to the crowd.)
Benni Pildoc: Siliques! Siliques! Get this week’s special edition Inertia silique: The Giraffe with a Sword. Every detail filled with the bumbling knight! It’s a doozy, and only five gold coins at that! (He sells a bunch of them.)
(The fight ends with Kellington victorious.)
Crowd Person 4: And there you have it! Sir John is victorious!
(Crowd cheers as all go dark but the face of Inertia, sad and beaten)
(All exit)
Scene Three
(Opens to a forest scene)
(Enter’s James the Bard, playing his woodwind in a peaceful tune)
James the Bard: (Singing badly)
Lovely the forest, lovely the hills.
A Place where monsters do eat and kill.
Ravaging and pillaging all the life that I see,
I take it they love blood more than they do tea.
Now come to think of it, if that is the case.
Then what the heck am I doing in this place!?
(Continues playing woodwind)
(Enters Benni Pildoc. See’s James the Bard)
The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
Benni Pildoc: (To himself) Oh no, not ‘em!
(Begins to exit)
James the Bard:
Oh, good day, Benni Pildoc, my dear friend of old.
A schemer, a trickster, a salesman so bold.
And as the gentle poets of long ago did say,
“How are thy bones fairing this day?”
Benni Pildoc: Um….I’m great James. You know, I was going to take a breather here, but I don’t want to disturb your...eh...musical rhythm. So I’ll just be going. It was nice seeing you!
(Begins to exit)
James the Bard:
Oh think nothing of it,
Pildoc my friend.
For this resting place, you covet,
I shall forever let you lend.
So come now dear brother,
And stay here awhile.
You have no way to bother,
My sweet rhythmic style.
Benni Pildoc: (To himself) Sweet, rhythmic style my foot!
James the Bard:
What profound thought was that you just said?
Come tell me, for secrets are like moldy bread.
Benni Pildoc: Oh, I was just saying, no poet can bring such style to a foot the way you can. (He laughs uncomfortably)
(Sits on a rock on the other side of the stage. Muttering to himself all the while.)
(James the bard begins to play music and sings again loudly.)
James the Bard:
La la lor,
La la lee,
Tis true this is,
The place to be!
Sure monsters thrive,
But hey at least,
I don’t have to be,
The fool of a feast.
(Benni Pildoc clenches his fists and grits his teeth, trying not to explode, “he” does this for the entirety of the song.)
James the Bard:
I do not sing for kings or queens,
Nor for the snobbish royalty.
No no, I travel along the wind,
And show only my friends true loyalty (Belts out loyalty, extremely off key)
Benni Pildoc: James.
(Still belting loyalty)
Benni Pildoc: James!
(James the Bard prances toward the rock Benni is sitting on)
James the Bard:
Yes my friend, from ancient days-
Benni Pildoc: James! Do you mind maybe lowering the volume of your music? You see it’s very good, but I am afraid I have a horrible migraine, and my brain can not bear even the sweetest of singing at this time.
James the Bard:
Of course. (Belts out course)
(Benni Pildoc puts his hands straight out, and lowers them. Mouths the word “lower”)
James the Bard: (Softly)
Of course.
(Plays Woodwind very quietly)
(From offstage comes a loud, roaring sound that only James hears, and the sounds of swords clanging and arrows flying)
Offstage voice 1: Be slain, oh foul beast of the earth!
Offstage voice 2: Hey boss, I think we almost have him!
Offstage voice 3: Oh our names shall be written on paper....or eh...stone...or whatever is more eternal.
(An arrow flies from off stage into one of the holes of James’ woodwind. James the Bard jumps in shock)
(The offstage beast roars one last time, and there is a resounding thud to signify it’s death)
Offstage voice 1: Ah ha! We have vanquished the monster!
Offstage voice 2: Let it be known throughout the land that I, Nicolas Jellyheart had eleven shafts, and all of those arrows struck true in the demon’s head, and that the eleventh struck his eye!
Offstage voice 1: Um...Nick?
Offstage voice 2: Yeah?
Offstage voice 1: I don’t think the eleventh struck his eye. It missed the beast entirely.
Offstage voice 2: Then what did I hit?
Offstage voice 1: Your arrow landed.. in the hole of a woodwind.
Offstage voice 3: (He laughs) Well, it looks like your name is Nicolas Jellyheart, Music-Slayer. What a villainous thing it is to kill music.
Offstage voice 2: Well um..at least nobody was playing the woodwind, so nobody will ever know.
Offstage voice 1: Um...Nick?
Offstage voice 2: Yeah?
Offstage voice 1: I think somebody was playing the woodwind. Actually, there’s an oddly dressed guy there that’s holding it.
Offstage voice 2: Are you kidding me?! Well once again, I am Nicolas Jellyheart the great failure. Let’s get out of here! I’m ashamed of this cursed place!
Offstage voice 1: Now hold on, don’t you think we should apologize to the man wearing those hand me down relic-pants.
Offstage voice 2: Well...I guess we oughta. Being that I did ruin his music after all.
(To James the Bard) I’m really sorry weird looking man for destroying your instrument. No hard feelings, eh?
(James the Bard stands there stunned, as he has for the entire conversation)
Offstage voice 1: Alright, now that you’ve apologized to the poor man, let us be off. Maybe now that we’ve slain this beast we can get out of the catering business.
(James the Bard tries to pull the arrow out, but cannot get it out. He tries to blow it out, with the arrow pointing away from him. He does it again harder and it blows out, glancing off of Benni Pildoc’s shoulder)
(Benni Pildoc slowly turns back at James the Bard.)
(James the Bard nervously waves at him and chuckles)
Benni Pildoc: James?
James the Bard:
Um, yes my friend?
Pildoc oh-
Benni Pildoc: Did you shoot that arrow at me?
James the Bard:
Well that’s a funny thing,
Pildoc the Great.
Because well you see-
Benni Pildoc: James, just answer me straight out whether you shot it at me or not. Because right now I’m very, very angry. I feel a horrible pain in my back. And I would love an answer, and your singing is not giving me one?! (Says this in his face, James the Bard cowers down) So I’ll ask you one more time, did you shoot that arrow at me?
James the Bard:
Umm…...Yes.
Benni Pildoc: You are dead!! Oh, you’re dead!! (Begins to chase him offstage) When I get my hands on you….!
James the Bard:
Goodbye fair flowers,
Goodbye fair glades
Oh and goodbye Pildoc friend,
Who’s anger never fades.
(Exits James the Bard)
(Enters Inertia)
Inertia: What was all that fuss?
Benni Pildoc: Oh it’s James the Bard, he drives me crazy!
(Inertia sits on a rock, looking very depressed)
Benni Pildoc: Hey are you ok? Why the long face?
Inertia: Why do you think?
Benni Pildoc: Well let’s see. You had a joust today, and you got spanked like a little brat. And I made money off of it. And Sir Kellington made you look like a fool. (Pause) But I don’t see how that’s different than any other day of the week. That’s not why you’re bothered, is it?
Inertia: Think of what I said right before the joust began.
Benni Pildoc: You said something about wooing the princess right? Still, I don’t see anything out of the ordinary with that. You always say that before you joust, and every time she sees you make a fool of yourself. All of this stuff happens all the time, and you don’t ever seem too bothered about it.
Inertia: I fought for the honor of the Pufflewig name today. Do you remember me saying that?
Benni Pildoc: Yeah, I remember.
Inertia: Do you know why I said that?
Benni Pildoc: No why?
Inertia: Its father’s birthday.
Benni Pildoc: Oh. (Benni looks away, embarrassed)
Inertia: Every day I go to joust, and every day I fail. After every defeat, I simply ignore people’s taunts, look away when you’re selling your stupid siliques, and ready for the next day’s joust. But every year when father’s birthday comes around, I train harder. Something bolsters a mighty fire into my heart and I become more determined than ever before. I turn my will into iron and say to myself “This is your day. This is the day of victory. You shall bring light upon your family’s name again.” But no pep talk I can say to myself delivers me the victory. And every year I walk home defeated. But this year (he pauses) this year was the worst defeat I have ever faced. The last thing I saw before I blacked out, was you, selling all those trinkets and papers that make every Pufflewig to King Arthur’s day roll over in the grave.
I just want to know why. Why do you choose to shame your very name?
Benni Pildoc: Now Inertia we’ve been over this. I am not a Pufflewig, I’m a Pildoc, and proud of it.
Inertia: You could have had it all. The castle, the land, everything. You could have been Sir Benni Pufflewig. But you threw it all away. Why?
Benni Pildoc: Inertia, I don’t know if it’s that important to talk about. It’s the past. It doesn’t matter why I left.
Inertia: Really? It doesn’t matter? It doesn’t matter that you deserted father on his deathbed to become a Pildoc, the sorry name of Father’s only love? That perverted woman who dared file divorce against him, and forever shame the name of Pufflewig!?
Benni Pildoc: Well you certainly make father look like a blessed martyr! He was a drunkard! A drunk, I tell you! A violent, hateful man that only saw our mother as a trophy to be won, not a human being!!
Inertia: Don’t you dare talk that way about father-!
Benni Pildoc: Don’t you dare talk that way about mother!
(They look away from each other, angry)
Inertia: Father wanted so much for you. He wanted the world for you. He wanted everything great and glorious for you.
Benni Pildoc: He didn’t want anything for me. Not anything that a father would want for his son. All he wanted was for me to become a knight like him and his father and his father and their great uncles. He never saw what I wanted. What my dreams were. He never cared that I loved to read, and to paint, and to sing. He would look at me and say “Put that wasteful stuff down! That will never make you a knight!” And every time I told him that I wanted to be something different than what he wanted me to be- that I wanted to be an artist and not a knight- he would laugh at me and say it was a foolish dream. What did it matter if those dreams would never get me places? A good father would have treasured them anyway! What worth is life if we cannot dream our dreams? Life is meaningless enough with them! Well hey, at least you fulfilled father’s dream. But it came at a terrible price for you didn’t it?
Inertia: A price? Do you think I wanted to be the black sheep? Unique from my glorious ancestors? This is all I ever wanted to be! The only obligation I have ever felt placed upon my shoulders was to be a knight of true worth and nobility!
Benni Pildoc: Your right. And I’ve always loved your desire for that noblest of titles. But father twisted your beautiful desire as the snake twists the hearts of men. Every moment you tried to show him that you could be a good knight, and every moment he scorned you. “Oh look at you! You’re too stupid to be a knight! You've got none of the qualities to be one! What good is a knight if he can’t even walk? (say sarcastically)” Countless nights I heard the tears fall upon your pillow like a waterfall to the river. (Walks off by himself, still talking) Mother was always there for both of us as we were made victims of our father’s blind ambition. But you rejected her kindness. Why did you always have to act like you were made of armor!? Why!?
(Storms away quickly in frustration and sits on another rock nearby, Inertia walks to him and puts his hand on his shoulder)
Inertia: Your right. Our life was but a shattered frame of how a family should have been. And father’s fist was the one that destroyed it.
Benni Pildoc: But you choose to shower him in love anyway! I just don’t get it!
Inertia: Sometimes I didn’t understand it either. Why should I love the one who scorned my very being? Why should I love him with the same mouth that he struck? I guess, in life we must be kind to those who have mistreated us. It truly seems so contradictory of our nature to do so! But we are truly following our maker when we defy ourselves for the love of him. After all, he did the same for us.
Benni Pildoc: Do you always have to preach sermons to me?
Inertia: If it betters your soul at the attempt. (Benni looks at him) You know, our life may not have been perfect. But for all the imperfections, I wouldn’t trade it in if I didn’t have my brother.
Benni Pildoc: Same here.
(They embrace)
Inertia: Well, now I am off to the King’s castle. I only stopped by here first to bury my sorrow deep within myself. But I see now that it was better for it to come out than stay inside.
Benni Pildoc: What business do you have there?
Inertia: I am off to see the Princess and ask for her hand.
Benni Pildoc: Well it’s about time! ‘Cause jousting to impress her didn’t seem to be moving your love life any farther. I’m glad you're finally going to talk to her. I mean, what has it been, two years since you’ve had a good, solid chat with her? Wooing with the tounge suits you far better than wooing by the sword! Still, you might need a little work on that.
Inertia: Oh?
Benni Pildoc: Yeah! Because if I remember correctly, when you tried to tell her how beautiful she was, it came out not in your favor. (Imitates Inertia) “Oh but you are truly the truest dazzler of all the blossoms of the entire litter.”
Inertia: (He laughs) I can’t say you’re wrong. I’m just thankful that she said she would treasure the compliment. But someday Brother, love shall fall upon you, and you shall say a foolish thing.
Benni Pildoc: Oh I doubt that very much. Besides, I don't need to fall in love to get a good kiss now and again.
Inertia: Well, no matter, you shall tie the knot with Nancy some day and I shall have the last laugh!
Benni Pildoc: Oh yeah sure. (Rolls his eyes) Of all girls she's definitely not the one for me. Sure she’s pretty but she doesn’t have the wit that must accompany her gender. I swear, if I ever tried to win her soul, I'd eat my hat on the spot.
Inertia: Speaking of Nancy, I heard that you convinced them to bet for me. And I was wondering, why witchcraft? It seems so irreverent to make light of such darkness.
Benni Pildoc: Well you know Inertia, I’ve always been of the belief that evil has a sort of pride about it. And when I laugh or make jokes at it, it is as if I am piercing a sword in his side.
Inertia: Ah true, but it is one thing to say, “I shall laugh at you evil, for in the end goodness shall overcome you, and your power will be diminished.” and it is quite another to laugh at evil as if it is something to be taken lightly. A man must remember the difference. For if evil overcomes him, and he does not take it seriously, he will never be rid of it.
Benni Pildoc: There you go again with your sermons! I’m telling you, you really should have considered being a clergyman instead of a knight.
Inertia: I fear then Camelot would think they had been Divinely punished with such a clumsy minister on there hands. Good day brother, I am off.
(Begins to exit)
Benni Pildoc: Wait a minute Inertia.
Inertia: Yes?
Benni Pildoc: You are, truly, the noblest of knights. And don’t you ever forget it.
Inertia: Thank you, brother.
(The stage goes black.)
Scene Four
(Enters Sir Kellington, laughing. Followed by the Princess)
Princess: Why must you speak so horribly of him?
(Sir Kellington laughs)
Princess: Will you stop laughing and answer my question?
Sir Kellington: (Wipes his laughing tears away) Oh I’m sorry, I can’t help it. I’ve never known such a merry comedy as watching Inertia joust! Besides, what do you care? He’s a fool and deserves not your pity.
Princess: He is not a fool! Oh I fear for the day when men are deemed worthy by their strength and not by their heart! You may only see his clumsiness, but I see his kindness, his compassion, his bravery, and his general chivalry to everyone.
Sir Kellington: Oh come on, he’s a carpet knight! I see no reason for you to defend him so….unless. (He looks at her and grins) Oh no! No no no! You aren’t….oh no that would be the laugh of the week! That couldn’t be true. My sister in love with Lord Ankleroller? Preposterous!
Princess: Well just to prove your slanderous tongue wrong I will speak from my heart. I do love Inertia Pufflewig! He has had my soul since I first saw him. Since I first looked into his eyes, and saw the deepest caverns of his being; that revealed to me that he has a heart of truest fire. Of truest compassion. Of truest manlihood. Of truest starlight in the sky. Oh, and then he spoke to me and has forever rendered me unfit to speak in an indifferent manner towards him. He is of all men the greatest. And he will forever be the man I love! I would trade the wealth of my inheritance for him to speak to me but a moment! I would dare what women do not dare for him to gaze upon me! Oh were life and Inertia bordered by endless walls from each other, I would jump over all of them and live in the most jolly grave. Oh, and he would muster all the bravery for me, and do all I have said I would do for him a thousand times! And his brilliant mind would think of a thousand more sacrificial deeds to do for me. For I am to him the “Most truest dazzler”.
Sir Kellington: Sister, that is but the foolish whim of a common girl who would settle for a Jester-Knight.
Princess: How dare you make sport of my love!?
Sir Kellington: Because you are being swept off your feet by a man who is swept off his feet by merely walking. I will not allow my sister to shame our royal family for that clumsy idiot!
Princes: Then I shall defy you and all our royal blood for him! You know I will never honor your heinous wishes!
Sir Kellington: Oh I think you will! Guards, take her to her room and see to it that Inertia Pufflewig never curses her with his sight again!
(Guards grab the princess. She struggles as they begin to exit.)
Princess: You can’t do this!
Sir Kellington: Oh really? Watch me!
(Enters The King)
The King: That’s quite enough! Guards, release her!
Guards: Yes your highness.
(Guards exit)
The King: Now, what is the meaning of this?
Princess: He refused for me to see Inertia by attempting to lock me up in my own chambers.
(Looks at John, enraged)
The King: How dare you think that you have such a molding hand, as to shape your sister’s destiny! You are not her king! You do not govern her! (Whispering to Sir Kellington) It does not seem fitting for you to test the man that gave you mercy overflowing after what you did! I could have justly thrown you out into the Wilderness with the Beastly Folk! But I chose to only evoke your claim to the throne. You have enough food to eat, I have given you a duchy, I have allowed you to visit this house. And how do you thank me!? By treading on my feet! Camelot may see you as it’s champion, but I know you for what you are: The son of Jörmungander in human form! Do not make me reveal to them your true scaley frame! (Speaks normally and looks to Princess) Daughter, I must have a word with you. Son, leave us.
Sir Kellington: But father I-
(The King slaps him)
The King: Silence, boy!
(Sir Kellington exits)
The King: Now my dear, let us talk.
Princess: Yes, what is it father?
The King: Now, as you know, I am old and grey, and shall not live to see many more years. And you know that both on this sin-soiled earth, and in the richest gardens of Heaven I long to see you live in full abudundence. Whether that costs myself or even you.
Princess: Father don’t say such things. You are not as old as you feel. I am grateful that you would risk so much to see me blossom. You have always shown the deepest love for me. And as you know, I will do whatever you request of me. For I always know that what you say is best for my life.
The King: What more can a father ask than to have the most precious girl in this day and age as his own? But I am afraid that what I am about to demand of you may yet sever your devotion.
Princess: Why, what is it?
The King: It is about Inertia.
Princess: What’s wrong?
The King: I simply cannot allow you to marry him.
Princess: What do you mean? What has he done wrong?
The King: Nothing, simply nothing! He is of a most noble stuff that does not easily fit a man. If there were more knights like him in this world, then we should have as great a company as The Knights of The Round Table. I know not any man that has the most perfect qualities to be the husband of my daughter.
Princess: Then why do you keep me from him?
The King: If it were a fairer world... (Pause) If the world knew that it is those with inward might and not outward strength that mold the earth in a Godly fashion, then we would have eyes to see. But alas, we are blind, forever sojourning into the hollow mountains. You see daughter, he’s…(Pause) he’s too clumsy!
Princess: Why would that matter!? I care not for the mountains.
The King: Ah, you have your mother’s wits about you. You see daughter, I could not bear the thought of you walking around the streets of the kingdom with him, and all the folk crowding around and saying, (Imitates stupid townsfolk) “ ‘ey look, ‘tis Lord Double Left-Feet and his wife!” “Say how’d ye think he ended up with ‘er?” “Eh, she’s probably as clumsy and stupid as he.” “Nobody could have any sort of intellect and marry ‘em.” If you married him, you would also be treated as a fool, forever ashamed of your own last name, which shall scar any pleasant future you hoped for. And what is worse you would find no companions with the nobility of Camelot. Doors would be slammed in your face. You would be invited to no celebrations, no socials, no gatherings. You’d be the black sheep of Avalon. Forever treated as the most lonely and miserable of fools! I don’t want that to happen to you. I don’t want you living as the outcast for the rest of your life. Now do you understand?
Princess: No, I don’t understand!! (Begins to cry) It’s not right!!
The King: I know it’s not! Oh if he could but learn how to parry and block with a rapier I would see you two happily wedded and me a jolly old grandfather! But life can not always be graced with the air of fantasy. For this earth sits under a foul sky that can not comprehend such things. Eventually, reality must sink in, as much as it is painful.
Princess: (Moves away from him in anger) Then your eyes have become disenchanted! May I ask when did fantasy and reality become such horrid foes? I heard of the days when they were the closest of friends, and with that bond they weaved a web of wonder over the whole of the earth.
The King: With that sense of alliteration you should have become a poet my dear.
Princess: I just don’t see why Inertia and I cannot have that happy fairy tale ending that knights and damsels in the stories have.
The King: Because life is not a fairy tale my dear. It can never be! Those stories are fun little distractions that keep us from wallowing in sorrow all of our lives. But that is all they are, distractions, escapes. We can not journey in them forever my dear. I wish the world were different in that respect, but it isn’t.
(Princess sobs)
(She turns to walk away)
The King: You may run, my child, and I would not stop you. But could you live with the fact that you broke your father’s heart?
Princess: No. I would never desire that.
The King: Then you must stay, and follow what I say as you used to. I only do this because I know it is what’s best for you.
Princess: (Returns to The King. Crying in his shoulder) Oh I know!! I do know that you are doing this for me. And I will follow your wishes. But it hurts!! It hurts so badly!!!
The King: (Begins to cry) I know it does!! And I am so sorry I have to hurt you.
Princess: (Stands still, crying) If I cannot forever be with the one I love, then I can never look upon him again. I must tell him to leave. Oh, it will devastate him!!! Oh and it will break me!!
The King: If you feel it will be better for you, then you must do it. I am sorry to leave you in this state, but I must do so. I have urgent business ahead of me.
(The King turns to walk away)
The King: (Speaks softly near her) I am so sorry, my darling.
(Exits The King)
(Princess still sobbing)
(Enters Inertia, who takes a deep breath, and knocks on the door to the palace)
Princess: Who is there?
Inertia: It is I---um---I-nerita-Pufflewig. I have come to see you, oh fair Princess!
Princess: (To herself) Oh I must bid him away!!! But at least..(Pause) At least I can look upon his face one last time before I cast him, and myself out of happiness to the gates of woe.
(The Princess opens the door)
Inertia: May I come in?
Princess: I-I-I am sorry, you cannot.
Inertia: What? Why not? I haven’t offended you, have I?
Princess: I- can-cannot be in your company any more, Inertia. I desire-(almost breaks into tears) I desire to never see you again. Good day!!
(Princess shuts the door. The Palace is taken offstage, and Inertia stands there alone)
Inertia: She has rejected me. The love of my life, the flower upon which I would give my soul to merely gaze upon, has deemed me unworthy. I know I always was unworthy for such a thing! To have an angel smile upon me and laugh like the whisper of spring, no man is worthy of such a thing. (In anger) But it is because I am clumsy, that I have been deemed unworthy!!!! Why must my entire life be riddled and haunted by the fact, that I am not made of such stuff that a noble knight should be!!!?? Why have I been made thus!!!!!!!?? Oh, I am of Job’s kin. Misfortune follows me all the day's of my life: for life is a misfortune. And in all this, in this drama of birth and death, sorrow and love, bravery and cowardice, where is he? (Points to the sky) Why has he not defended his righteous son? Speak! Oh King of Kings, so that we may be changed. Yet you do not speak, you are silent, and shall not speak in my life again! Oh why! Why couldn’t I have been as strong as Sir Kellington, or light on my feet like Benni? Who am I compared to the Giants of the world? I am but a drop of water in a storm, when others are ferocious winds and hurricanes!! I am but a blunt blade of grass, when others are ancient oaks and sycamores!! I am but a forgotten shield dropped and fallen upon in the haze of battle, when others are bold and unparalleled swords who shall be sung of for eternities. My life like all others has passed in phases, though I have been in a different setting, it’s all been the same: Scorn, ridicule, and rebuke have been what I have reaped, though I sowed only love. Thus let this life of mine fall from my bones, for what good is it to anyone?
(Enters The Witch, amidst a puff of smoke.)
The Witch: Well that is no way to talk! Be not a topsy turvy thing, stand at your straightest and be of a bolder mind!
Inertia: You're a witch!
The Witch: Aye, that I am, that I am. But what type is the question?
Inertia: What do you mean? Speak quickly before I cast you out into the darkness from whence you came!
(Tries to draw his sword, it doesn’t budge. Then as he pulls hard to remove it he falls)
The Witch: You see... you see... you see-
Inertia: Alright I see! Now please explain!
The Witch: I was getting there, you must not interrupt! You see-well never mind you see- there are two types of witches in this world. There is that kind of witch who sings of horrid things and talks to cats and brews potions from a magic cauldron, and there are those types of witches who are just plain mean old ladies and are called that. But what I could be, you must decide. (Cackles, then after a while coughs hard)
(Inertia stares at her)
The Witch: I do apologize for my very oddsy woddsy behavior. But well (whispers to him) I sometimes take a nip of my cherry wine that’s saved for special occasions such as guests coming over, and it sorts of turns me crazy. But, come to think of it, I’ve never had any sort of human, elf, or dwarf come over. I guess that cherry wine is simply used for nipping.
Inertia: I don’t think you appeared here by mere chance. Is there something you want of me?
The Witch: Hmmmmm? What are you talking about? Where am I? What bellowed bellied sort of place am I in? Wait (Turns to Inertia) I remember this lengthy frog from some sort of dream. Or is this the dream and that, the reality? I must be upside down. Oh yes! Now I remember, you're the clumsy chap that was speaking in a very whiny monologue. I must say before I begin though, how can you be a blade of grass, a drop of rain, and a shield at the same time? Hmmmmm?
Inertia: Well.. um….
The Witch: Well never mind that! There is much to say! Sit here whilst I tell ye of a most jolly riddled tale! (Inertia sits down) Now, I overheard you were down on your feet because of that girl leaven’ ye, because ya’ don’t have any sort of balance in your legs. Well, what if I toldeth ye-wait telleth? Toileth? Told! Right that’s the word! What if I told ye that you could find a way to win every joust, become as balanced as a tightrope walker, and become more powerful than any other knight in the history of the world?
Inertia: Then I’d say you were crazy.
The Witch: That is perfectestly alright, I’ve been called much worse. But you must believe me. I speak only the truth. Now, this power I have spoken of is all inside a sword.
Inertia: Excalibur?
The Witch: Are you a twisted snake? Of course not!! Compared to this sword, Excalibur is that little knife thingy you open those blasted folded pieces of paper with. By all the stars shimmering I plain forgot what it was called!
Inertia: A letter opener?
The Witch: Yes, exactly! Now, this sword is far older, and has seen more battles than Excalibur would ever hope to. It was forged from the fires of The Phoenix, and it’s blade came from dragon scales. Whosever wields that sword has power over all he sees. It has been said that with one swish of the blade, empires crumble before the wielders feet, simple folk have overthrown tyrants with it’s jab, and by it’s twirling entire families have been obligerated- no that’s not right, obloterated, no, what I meant was obletherated, oh by the Jellyfish of Atlantis whatever it is! And if you decided to wield it, you could defeat that wormdrop Kellington, drive back any invader that would dare darken the shining towers of Camelot, and with all your attained might have the Princess begging you to forgive her.
Inertia: So you’re saying, if I wielded the sword, I may be able to win back the hand of the Princess?
The Witch: Oh that and more! That and more old sycamore! It would be impossible for her to say “no” after seeing your indomitable strength! But as well at that, you would be praised and loved. And I take it that would be a welcome change after all you’ve been through. Wouldn’t it?
Inertia: Where would I go to seize this great power?
The Witch: Ah…. This is where most of the bravest adventurers lose their bell tower hearts. For, you see, beyond Camelot lies the Wilderness. Ancient and magical things that have gone unnoticed by the minds of men live there. Some things are even beyond my comprehension, and I roam like a great moaning horse around those parts. There are many dangerous things you must go and face on the way, and, what is worse, you may face the infamous Beastly Folk! Now you, of course, know of those stories?
Inertia: I do. The tales of those savage men in animal skins gave me nightmares when they were told to me as a boy. And looking back upon them, remembering the horror of their vile deeds, the lives they so brutally ended, the way they tortured their prisoners….my blood runs cold even now.
The Witch: And shall that stop you from your journey to power? Does your bell tower come rumbling and bumbling down like so many others?
Inertia: This journey seems to be of greater perils then I thought if the Beastly Folk are anywhere near it. But-
The Witch: Aye, and I forgot to mention the wicked goblin pirates who skewereth the coast near the Wilderness. Or the Babbling Dragons of Izkaba, they’ll talketh their liver waddled way around your neck. Oh, and what is worse-
Inertia: Alright, I understand, it’s dangerous. Before you interrupted, I was going to say that I would go, no matter what dangers come before me.
The Witch: Oh...Well (Pause) By twinderspine, that’s brilliant!! It shall be the greatesteth of all knightly quests!! And, before you begin, I shall give you a token of my goodwill that you may find what you seek. Here is a map to the very spot the sword doith lie. (Gives Inertia the map) Oh look at that, the sand in the hourglass has fallen. (Speeds up voice) I Have a lot of bradsy waddsy things to do, and I cannot spend all my time helping you, my old billygoat. Well ta ta ta ta dra drum. ‘Twas nice knowing you once, may I never know ye thrice- I mean bwice, tlice- oh, by Zeus’s bushy squirrel tail, whatever it is!
(Smoke appears in front of her, she exits)
Inertia: This is it! This is what I have been looking for. Too long have the shallow feet of mankind kicked me away. The crowds laugh at me, Sir Kellington despises me, my father hated me, my dearest love rejected me, but nay, no more are those days! For, once I attain this most coveted weapon, the course of the world shall not push me to my misery. No, I shall resist it!! I shall resist all!! And I shall become irresistible to all!! My sweet, darling Princess will see my strength, and she shall love me again!!!! Oh all is well, all is well. It shall be well to be immovable!!
(Enters Benni Pildoc)
Benni Pildoc: You know, you’ve got to stop talking in such a dramatic way to yourself. It’s not like you're in the theater or something.
Inertia: Benni, I have found it!
Benni Pildoc: Found what? What are you talking about?
Inertia: I have found the answer to everything!! I have found the way to fix my clumsiness! (Grabs him by the shoulders)
Benni Pildoc: Are you feeling alright? You haven’t been hangin’ around them mystic blokes have you? What are they called, wise men? No gurus!
Inertia: No no no. That’s not it! Oh dear brother, I have heard of a sword that lies in the Wilderness! I have heard that it has such power as to give me strength over all things. And, with it, I may win back the hand of the Princess.
Benni Pildoc: The Princess? I thought you had already asked for her hand.
Inertia: I did, and she rejected me. And do you know why? Because I am not strong enough to win her favor. I must prove my strength to her so she may love me.
Benni Pildoc: Wait a minute, you said a powerful sword?
Inertia: Yes I did.
Benni Pildoc: You’re not talkin’ about the Great Sword, are you? Destroyer of Empires, the Tyrant’s Bane and so forth?
Inertia: Yes, that sounds like the very same.
Benni Pildoc: (To himself) That sword...Tis pure evil. I cannot let him take it for himself...but..but..If I let him...that would...it would…. No! I cannot!
(Inertia goes and picks up his sword), Inertia the people that wielded the Sword were pure evil. They slaughtered millions of innocent flesh! And those that have died searching for it went mad with the want of its power. There is something about wanting to grasp the power in it. It twists and belays the mind with all sorts of forbidden malice! It is like ripping the Tempest of Destiny in your own hands, no one survives such a wanton pride.
Inertia: Benni, do not worry, that is not what I want to do with it at all. I simply want to use it so I can finally put all ridicule behind me. I can go on and live my life without anyone thinking of me as a joke. And the Pufflewig name shall be restored once again to the glory days of our father.
(Benni Pildoc moves closer to him)
Benni Pildoc: I’m sure that’s what all of those men said at first. But a good desire can so easily be perverted to something horrible. Besides, you don’t need it. It doesn’t matter what others think of your withering flesh, what matters is-
Inertia: No! What noble thing you might have said does not matter to the hearts of men any more! The world is moving in a different direction. What we have deemed noble is not so anymore. The waves of change are crashing over me, so I must submit, and flow with them!
Benni Pildoc: Shall you defy your own name? Shall you be so easily corroded?
Inertia: I have made up my mind. I shall journey into the Wilderness and find the Great Sword!
Benni Pildoc: (Sighs) Then I shall go with you. But only to prove to you that you don’t need it. That your frame is but a grave-bound mask, and what’s inside the true face. And when you figure that out, I’m gonna laugh at you.
Inertia: Alright then. I’ll be glad to have you upon this daring quest!
Benni Pildoc: I’m delighted.
Inertia: Now let us go. I have one more person in mind to add to our crew. Here, you hold the map the Witch gave me.
Benni Pildoc: Wait, some old wrinkly faced hag gave you a map, and you’re just gonna believe what she says?
Inertia: Yes. In fact she was the one that told me all about the Great Sword. Come on Benni, let us fly to whatever may wait for us beyond the savage and black horizon.
(He raises his sword, then runs and trips. He exits)
Benni Pildoc: Wait a minute Inertia, what about the whole, (Imitates Inertia)“It seems so irreverent to make light of such darkness.” thing? What about your whole sermon? Hey wait a minute, (He follows Inertia) I’m not done talking! It’s not very acceptable for a clergyman to pay no heed to his own sermons!
(He exits as the stage goes black)
Scene Five
(Enters Inertia and Benni Pildoc. Near an old cottage)
Benni Pildoc: Say Inertia, are you sure this is the right place?
Inertia: What do you mean?
Benni Pildoc: Well, you went on and on about this guy’s great fighting skill, and all his other adventurous qualities. And if this is where he lives I must say…
Inertia: Say what?
Benni Pildoc: That he is quite the grandmomma’s boy. This is an old granny cottage! I’m not seeing the whole danger craver here.
Inertia: This is not a granny cottage!
Benni Pildoc: Oh really? Look at the rug, it says “Worlds Greatest grandmother resides here”
(Inertia grabs the rug)
Inertia: It does not!
(Looks at the rug.)
Inertia: Well so what if it does!? He loves his granny! That adds to his qualities!
Benni Pildoc: Inertia, don’t you see it? He probably lives in her basement! He’s a moocher!
Inertia: He is not! Now, trust me, he’s great. I promise you. Just trust me!
Benni Pildoc: Alright, alright! I’ll trust you! I’m sure he’s great. in a very lazy, living-with-his-grandma sort of way.
Inertia: Oh shut up! He’s going to be great!
Benni Pildoc: Alright! Fine! He’s gonna be great.
(Comes nearer to the cottage door)
Inertia: (Shouting) My friend, it is I, Inertia! I have come to make a request of you. Would you kindly come outside?
(Exits from house James the Bard, singing.)
James the Bard: (Singing)
Oh hello my good friend, Inertia the knight.
Who charges with vigour, to give evil a fight.
And if it isn’t Pildoc, my good friend as well,
Though from his frame, he seems rather unwell.
(Benni Pildoc looks slowly at Inertia)
Benni Pildoc: You have got…..To be barking up the crazy tree! You cannot have James O’FluteBow tag along.
Inertia: And why not? (Stands by James the Bard) He has been my loyal friend for years! And if I hadn’t been depressed the day of my joust, I would have scolded you for being so horrible to him.
Benni Pildoc: Me?! He shot me with an arrow!!
Inertia: Well, I’m sure he didn’t mean it. I don’t think he would do such a thing on purpose, would you James?
James the Bard:
No, oh no,
Never would I,
I would rather eat,
Morgana’s pumpkin pie.
Benni Pildoc: Yeah sure Inertia, believe the bleating bard! I swear, he was shooting at me!
Inertia: Just give it a rest Benni! This is my journey and I say we bring him!
James the Bard:
What journey is this you speak of,
Inertia the Brave?
For my heart rings true for escapades.
Speak so I may know what may lie ahead.
Yet know truly, so truly (Belts out truly off key.)
(Benni Pildoc gives him an angry stare)
Um...I’d go with you without dread.
Inertia: Well, James, I am searching for the Great Sword. It is a weapon forged from fire and legend and shall give me power over all I see.
Benni Pildoc: And I’m going to prove to him that he doesn’t need some sword to be truly strong.
James the Bard:
Well, that sounds quite fun,
Inertia the-
Benni Pildoc: Can the singing, will you? Are you coming or not?
James the Bard:
Oh... um……..Yes
Inertia: Alright then! Map holder Benni, where is the path to our prize?
Benni Pildoc: Well, according to the map, it is up north (Points to the wing ) through The Growling Glade, and then up to Elder’s River near the coast.
Inertia: Then that is where we shall go! Off we are, to death or to reward!
James the Bard: (Shouting in the area of the cottage)
Goodbye, oh grandmother,
Grammy, oh sweet.
How I will miss your snickerdoodles,
And the basement where I sleep.
(Benni Pildoc looks at Inertia)
Benni Pildoc: See what I mean? Moocher, moocher, moocher!!
Offstage Granny: (Singing)
Goodbye, my little sweet cheeks,
James the Bard.
Make sure to pack a clean shirt,
And don’t forget your man card.
(Benni Pildoc shakes his head)
Benni Pildoc: Runs in the family apparently! I guess the harmonica doesn’t fall far from the cazzo!
Inertia: Well aren’t you a symphony of wit!
Benni Pildoc: Oh so now you’re being the clever one?
Inertia: Shush!
(They walk across the stage and begin to exit. James the Bard skips and sings the entire way)
James the Bard:
Off to savage places,
Our noble pack goes.
Let’s hope no evil thing,
Cuts off our toes.
(Exits. Still singing offstage)
But with the daring Inertia,
And the crafty Pildoc,
I’m sure it’ll be as easy,
As taking a walk.
(Benni Pildoc and Inertia stop before exiting)
Benni Pildoc: You do this to torture me don’t you?
Inertia: It may torture you but it gladdens me. What a great conflict I would be in if I cared that he annoys you.
(Inertia Laughs, then exits)
Benni Pildoc: How you know so little of the conflict of the inner meat. If you only knew that….
(He sighs, shakes his head, then exits)