You have just joined the [Nameless Cult].
Ok, I have way too many things to comment about that, so I’ll just pick a few.
One, I’m not at all about the cult life. Let’s be honest here, how much screen time does a random cult member get? Yeah, the answer is zero. Zero. It’s always about the leader, and when the leader actually gets some screen time, it goes like this…
Cultman Johnson: We worship the Mooooon!
MC: -chasing the bad guy- Get the heck out of my way!
Cultman Johnson: -gets one shot by the MC as he passes by-
And then, the worst thing about that is, the rest of the anonymous followers stand around doing nothing, commenting on their leader…
Follower A: Noooooo, Cultman Johnson-sama! Are you alright!?
Cultman Johnson: -obviously dead-
Follower B: We need to group together and pray to the Moon God, that is the only way to save Cultman Johnson-sama!
Follower C: Yeah!
Followers: -starts praying in the background as the MC fights the bad guy-
And if you think that being in the background means screen time, then that McDon@lds that every single MC in the history of anime has walked by at least once, has more screen time than the actual MCs. And I don’t mean any offense to McDon@lds, by the way. I’m just stating my opinion, it has nothing to do with how good their fries actually are.
Also, let’s not forget that authors really just like to throw in a cult when there is nothing else he could do. When things don’t work out, it’s usually the cult that saves the day…
Cult: Hahahaha!!! You have been duped by the Pasta Cult! Prepare to die!!!
MC: Heh heh heh…
Cult: Wut.
MC: I knew you guys were going to fall for it-
Antagonist: And I know you know that they will fall for it.
MC: …Heh. I know that you know that I know that-
Antagonist: I know that you know that I know that you know-
Cult: What the heck do you guys actually know!?
Basically, a cult is a third party used to show the superiority of the MC and his rival. But, most of the time, it’s just fluff logic that makes no sense. The cult is like toilet paper; when the author can’t think of s***, he uses them. And when the author somehow dupes the reader into believing that the MC and his buddy is smarter than they actually are, he trashes the cult like they’ve never existed. Sad life. I know the feels bro, I know the feels…
But, let’s not forget the third and most important reason behind why the heck I don’t want to be involved with a cult. The easiest way of explaining it would be through this article I saw on the Asahi Shimbun today…
“When the Divine Prophecy Fails: Cult members interviewed after Leader runs away.
By Tanaka San Dec. 28, xxxx
TOKYO, Jap.- After the Divine Prophecy predicting that the skies will rain money failed after its expected realization date earlier this morning, members of the ‘Tuxedo Mask” cult finally decided to contact the police, when they woke up to find that both the leader and all the worship goods were gone.
Follower A: Well, you know, none of us expected him to run away, haha. I mean, it was weird at first, when he asked us to collect figurines of that S@ilor Moon anime. But, you know, we went with it anyway.
Follower B: We really believed that the prophecy is real, you know. He showed us many movies where it had happened, and he’s a really good guy. He devotes himself entirely to worshiping the figurines, we can sense his sincerity.
Follower C: Yeah! So if you guys find him, tell him we are all waiting for him to come back!
Unfortunately, soon after the interview, the policed received news that the leader, Ota Ku-san, has been arrested in upper Canada, after trying to rob a candy store in a moose costume.”
The gist of the story is: One, never trust Otakus. Two, cult members are usually portrayed as idiots. And three, you will most likely get scammed if you join random cults on a whim.
But…enough about the cult talk…
“When will we put the plan into action?” the MC asked.
Yeah, good question. I’m listening.
“Tomorrow, as soon as the gate opens.” the old man replied, smiling as if he has an ingenious plan in mind.
Ok, tomorrow…Wait, what!? Why so fast!? And what gate!?
“…I see.”
What the heck do you see!? I see nothinggggggggg…wait, a wine glass doesn’t actually have “eyes,” does it? Then how am I-
“Well, that’s that. If you head up to the second floor, there’s a spare room on the right. Rest well.”
The MC nodded.
“Good night.”
“Good night.”
…
Ok.
I’ll figure it out tomorrow.
But, where does a wine glass sleep anyway. A shelf, right? Damn, I don’t want to sleep in that dusty old shelf-
Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.
Before I could finish my thought, the old man came up to me, picking me up and heading upstairs after the MC.
He entered his own room, putting me down beside the pillow before climbing on to the bed.
“Good night.” he said, falling asleep immediately.
Oh, good night-
NOT! WHO THE HECK SLEEPS WITH A WINE GLASS!? GET YOURSELF A TEDDY BEAR OR SOMETHING!!!
“zzzz…”
…
DAMMNITTTTTTT!!!
Alright, this is the last straw. I’m getting the heck out of this body, right now. Think, Shin, what can you do in this situation…
As I was thinking, the system screen appeared.
G00gle
____________________________________
G00gle Search I’m Feeling Lucky
…HALLELUJAH! I’M FEELING LUCKY AS HELL!
I quickly filled in the details, before clicking the search button.
G00gle
How does a wine glass commit suicide?_____
G00gle Search I’m Feeling Lucky
I clicked on the top result.
Y@hoo Answers
“i am wine glass, i want die pls, how to kill wine glass? 10 point best answer.
-Vine.”
There were four answers.
I scrolled down to the first one.
“If you are talking about how to get rid of a wine glass you don’t need, you can dispose of it in the recycling bin. Make sure to put the pieces in a box or wrap them with newspaper, so that the collectors will not be harmed by the hazardous material when sorting out the waste.
Hope this helps!
-Eco-Eco.”
Nein.
I scrolled to the next one.
“Magic.
-PeterPan001.”
…
Next!
“Ok, I’ve been asked this question a lot recently. Actually, I was a wine glass too, until I tried this amazing method…”
I paused.
Amazing…method? This could be it!
I continued on reading.
“Ok, first, you stand there. Very very still. Don’t move, or else it’s going to fail. Then-”
Then…!?
“You pray for an earthquake and it happens and you fall down and smash. That’s how I lost my bar years ago. Fml. :(
-ASadOwner.”
…
…
…
I glanced at the last answer.
“Hey, Vine, I have something for you! Want to learn how to make ten THOUSAND dollars per month, straight from home!? No experience required, just-”
…Alright, Shin. Think rationally. Don’t blame g00gle, blame those internet trolls instead. Yet, that’s right, it’s not g00gle’s fault, g00gle is innocent. Innocent…innocent…
I closed the system screen.
…
…
…
I slammed my face on an imaginary table again and again in my mind.
GOD DAMMNITTTTT, G00GLE! I MISJUDGED YOU! ET TU, BRUTUS!? WHY MUST YOU BETRAY ME IN TIMES OF NEED LIKE THAT!? YOU WERE MY ONLY HOPE IN HUMANITY, YOU KNOW! WAhhhhhhhhh! And also, old man, your beard is covering my face, I can’t see anything!!! Get that beard away from me, someone, please, anyone, noooooooo!!!
My screams that night were probably louder than that of the howling wolf outside, had it been heard.
Who knew that a wine glass could have such a sad life story.
To be continued…
————————
Note: Asahi Shimbun is the leading newspaper in Japan. More randomness coming up, but next time, it will be more plot-related. Until then!