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Chapter Eight

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Argos cradled the sobbing cheetah until Rivi had cried out his all his tears. Until today, it had been a long damn time since he’d tried console someone so overwhelmed with their own emotions. And now, he’d done so twice in a matter of hours, and for the same person. Argos wondered if Rivi was always so quick to tears, or whether this was a rarity for him, too. The coyote got the feeling was the sort who wore most of his emotions on his sleeve. It was probably harder to hide them when he was so busy hiding who he really was, just to keep himself safe.

Not that the cheetah hadn’t earned a good cry. It sure sounded like Rivi had been through a whole hell of a lot lately, even before he set foot on the ship. His wounded mental state was probably still healing from the trauma of being abandoned on foreign soil, only for that damn wolf to take advantage of him. And before that was even fully behind him, here was Argos, picking at scars that were older still. Argos hoped at least that by reopening some of the old wounds on Rivi’s soul, they might finally have a chance to heal.

For now, Argos just let the cheetah cry. He was certain that sobbing against the coyote’s shoulder was just about the last thing Rivi wanted to do, now. During their talk, it was all too clear that Rivi was struggling to resist the urge to run away and hide. Or at the very least, to pull his coat up over his head, and wait for his embarrassment to fade. Still, the cat had shown surprising strength, at times. He’d squared up and faced down the coyote, even knowing the painful subject to come. Even fearing the coyote’s reaction to his admission of impurity.

Twisted up as Rivi’s mind was, there was a beautiful strength to owning up to what he saw as his deepest sin. To throwing it out there like a spiteful challenge to the coyote, daring him to say something Rivi hadn’t heard before. Whether it was only because Rivi felt cornered, or because he just wanted to get it over with, Argos didn’t know. Either way, there was an inspiring resilience in standing up to your greatest fears, and facing them down with spite on your tongue, and anger in your eyes.

Argos wondered exactly who that spite was really meant for. Rivi’s last little clipped outburst gave him an awfully big clue, Argos imagined there was a lot more to it than that. What worried him the most right now was not whatever Rivi’s family might think of him, but what their lack of empathy must have left feeling about himself. It was all too likely that if someone roughed up Rivi in his youth, just for being ‘impure’, someone in his family might have convinced the poor cheetah it was his fault.

There was probably so much pain bottled up inside that cheetah that one or two good cries wasn’t gonna be near enough to make things right. Hell, Argos knew crying about it wasn’t ever gonna make it right, but he hoped at least it would help Rivi. That was all he wanted to do right now.

Help Rivi.

Argos stroked the cheetah’s head as Rivi cried. If the feline didn’t appreciate being touched that way, he certainly didn’t show it. Rivi gripped him tightly in return, squeezing him. Now and then his fingers dug into Argos’s back, or gripped his vest, pulling rougher than Argos would have liked, normally. But at least the feline didn’t use his claws. Besides, a vest could always be restitched. Putting Rivi’s shredded soul back together was going to be a harder task.

The coyote knew he sure as hell couldn’t do it all by himself. Especially not in a few short months. But when he’d offered to share his cabin with the cat, that made Rivi his responsibility. At the time, he only thought he was protecting him from thieves and cutthroats. It seemed the logical, and the kind thing to do. Argos hadn’t always done a lot of kind things, in his life, and it seemed past time he was due for one. Now, though, their conversation made it clear that the demons prowling Rivi’s soul were every bit as dangerous as the worst folks on the ship.

Other than maybe Argos himself.

Just the same, for all the ways Argos knew how to hurt someone, or how to end a person, none of them were going to help put Rivi back together. He’d have to figure that part out as he went along. He’d have a couple of months with the cheetah, and that was it. Then the cat was back on his pilgrimage, and Argos and Iosa were off on their next assignment. There were certainly ways for them to stay in touch, after that, but none of them were a realistic expectation. Argos wasn’t exactly the sort of person to stay in touch, long term. After all, the job didn’t really allow for it. Besides, Argos knew it would be better for Rivi, if the cheetah never saw him again after this voyage.

The last thing Rivi needed was to be associated with an agent of the Guild of Ghosts and Shadows.

That gave Argos roughly a couple of months to work, once the voyage was under way. He sure as hell wouldn’t be able to fix all the things that were broken inside Rivi, but at least there was one thing he believed he could do for the cat. He could try his damnedest to get the cheetah to not only understand, but truly internalize that there was nothing impure about him. That it didn’t matter who he found himself attracted to, regardless of what they kept in their trousers. That Rivi was a person worthy of, and deserving not only acceptance, but the same goddamn respect as anyone else.

Still, the coyote knew that was a short time frame to work with, given how deeply held Rivi’s beliefs were. And Argos did not wish to cast doubt or aspersions on the cheetah’s belief system in general. Rivi was free and welcome to believe whatever he wished to believe, and Argos wouldn’t so much as express a healthy amount of skepticism. Rivi’s beliefs were his own, and the cheetah was as entitled to them as he was to Argos’s respect.

Save, of course, for that bit about being sinful just because he liked other males. That shit had to go, Argos was certain. Yet it would not be an easy process, made harder still by the fact that single thread of self-hating thought was likely tangled and entwined with a whole host of other things Rivi held dear. The trick, then, was to snip away the threads that were slowly strangling Rivi, without cutting anything important.

The cheetah had wreathed his very identity in an prison of shame. One way or another, Argos wished to tear that prison down, and set poor Rivi free.

Eventually, Rivi’s tears were utterly spent. The cheetah’s sobs eased, and his body stopped quaking. As his breathing evened out, the only lingering sign of the emotional maelstrom whirling around inside him was the off-time flicking of his tail. Rivi gradually eased his grip on the coyote, and eased back. Argos freed Rivi from his arms, straightening up and stepping back to give the cheetah his space again. Rivi backed up a few paces, wiping his eyes. He took a shaking breath, and readjusted his spectacles. Rivi held his arms out, staring at them as if only now realizing they’d been wrapped around another person.

Rivi looked back up at Argos. Confused disbelief etched itself across his half-open muzzle, his furrowed brow, and splayed ears. “You…held me…”

Argos blinked, rubbing his muzzle. He hoped Rivi wasn’t suddenly regretting the extended hug. “I did ask, first, Spots.”

The cheetah quickly shook his head. “No, it’s not that. It’s just…” He looked down at himself, adjusting the golden-striped sleeves of his purple sweater. “You barely even know me, and you still…” Rivi licked his nose. “Held me.” He let out a long, slow sigh, bowing his head. “Thank you, Argos. For your kind words, and for your comfort.”

“Of course.” The coyote shrugged. “Hell, Rivi, you were bawling your eyes out. That was the least I could do.”

“If you say so.” The cheetah made a frustrated, mewling sound. “It’s very much appreciated, even if not fully understood. That sort of contact isn’t something we’d normally do, with a stranger. Not even a new cabin mate. Which must sound like some kind of foolish prude.”

Argos shook his head. “Just someone who’s got different beliefs than me. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. I’m just glad you let me hug you. Wasn’t sure you would at first, but the way you melted into my arms, it was pretty clear you needed that hug even more than I thought.”

Rivi looked away, a shy smile upon his muzzle. “It has been a while. And I’m not sure anyone but my mother’s ever hugged me that tightly. Do you know…” He slowly turned his face back towards Argos. “I don’t think I’ve ever met someone else who was…” Impure. That was what the cheetah was going to say. The word was practically inscribed upon his eyes. “A kindred spirit, before.”

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“You probably have, even if you don’t know it.” Argos adjusted his vest, smoothing it out. “There’s more of us out there than you think.”

“Perhaps.” Rivi’s eyes shifted to Argos’s shoulder. “Oh, I got your clothes all damp. I’m sorry…” The cheetah retrieved a handkerchief from within a pocket, dabbing at the lingering tearstains upon Argos’s clothing. “I hope this does not across the wrong way, but it was…” He paused, considering his words carefully. “Nice, being held by you. Knowing that you suffer with the same struggles I do, and still you wished to comfort me in mine.” Rivi looked up, his muzzle precariously close to Argos’s. “You’re a very kind person, Argos.”

The coyote swallowed, looking away. “No, I ain’t, Spots. And it’s only a struggle if you try and fight it. It’s no struggle at all, for me. I am who I am, and that’s that.” He gently brushed away the cheetah’s handkerchief. “You don’t gotta do that. It’s fine.”

“If you’re sure.” Rivi backed up, tucking his handkerchief back into his pocket. “And I don’t know why you’d say that about yourself. You’ve been very kind to me, after all.”

“Musta caught me on a good day,” Argos said, staring at the blank, unadorned wall. “My line of work, I gotta do a lot of very unkind things.”

“I can only imagine.” Rivi reached for Argo’s shoulder again, his hand trembling. Then he gave the coyote a few, awkward pats. “And yet you must have a good heart, to show such compassion for someone like me. You’d do well, to remember that, when you feel unkind.”

Argos slowly turned his head back to watch the cheetah patting his shoulder. “Are you trying to comfort me now, Rivi?”

Rivi’s hand stilled. “I was attempting it, yes. Is it working?”

Argos gave a soft yip of laughter. “Yeah, Rivi, it’s working. It’s usually more like this, though.” He stroked Rivi’s upper arm with a slow, gentle motion.

Rivi looked down at Argos’s hand. “Yes, that does feel nice.”

Argos paused. “Sorry, I shoulda asked. This okay? Just tell me, if you don’t want me touching you anymore.”

“It’s fine.” A little smile graced Rivi’s blunt, feline snout. “I’m not used to so much physical contact, but it’s nice.” He slowly pulled his hand back. “I don’t want you to stop doing anything you’ve been doing, so far.”

“Good.” Argos rubbed his shoulder a little more, then released him. “Just tell me if that changes. I push up too hard on any of your boundaries, you just let me know, so I can back off. Fair?”

“Exceedingly so.” Rivi offered him a little bow, his spotted tail twitching. “And thank you for your thoughtfulness.” Then he lifted his eyes to the coyote’s face. “The same goes for you, however. If during our stay together I should do anything that bothers you, or annoys you, or…” He ticked off a few fingers. “That you find obnoxious, or aggravating, or-”

“I’ll tell you,” Argos said, grinning. “Don’t worry.”

The cheetah pinned his ears. “Case in point, excessive rambling.”

The coyote chuckled. “You’re fine, Rivi. You feeling any better, by the way?”

“A little.” Rivi’s ears lifted. “I’ve got a lot to process. But at least for the moment, I’m better now than I was a few minutes ago, thanks to you.”

Argos grimaced. “Kinda my fault your mood took a turn, anyway. This whole…” He waved his hand between them. “Conversation probably coulda waited for a better time. Or at least, somewhere that wasn’t a supply closet.”

Rivi chirped soft, feline laughter. “Perhaps so. But, under the circumstances, maybe it’s good to have things out in the open between us, before we spend months together.”

“I agree, Spots.” Argos tucked his hands into his trouser pockets, grinning. “And now you know you don’t gotta spend your whole voyage thinking you gotta hide who you are, from me.”

“I suppose so…” Rivi blinked, glancing down at himself. A hint of happy excitement bubbled in his voice. “We’ve never not needed to hide our impurity, Rivi.” Then he caught himself, looking up again. “Sorry. I shouldn’t speak to myself in the midst of a conversation with someone else.”

Argos shook his head. “Nothing to be sorry for. It don’t bother me none. In fact…” The coyote tilted his head. “Can I be honest with you?”

Rivi nodded. “I hope that you would be.”

“I think it’s kinda cute the way you talk to yourself,” Argos said.

“You…what?” Rivi’s eyes widened. “That’s, uh…” The cheetah wrung his hands, struggling for words. “A new descriptor for that particular habit.”

Argos only smiled, swishing his tail. Truth be told, he also thought the way the cheetah was so easily flustered was kind of cute, as well. But Argos doubted Rivi could handle more than one brain-breaking compliment at once. “It’s true. Besides, lots of people talk to themselves. Ain’t that unusual.”

The cheetah wrung his hands. “Not the way we do. Every else says it’s weird.”

“Who cares?” Argos leaned against the wall of the little room, his swishing tail batting against it. “It makes you unique. And there ain’t nothing wrong with that.”

“I shall take your word for it.” Rivi tugged one of his sleeves up, then scratched at his spotted, beige-gold fur. His gaze wandered, distant and nervous as if suddenly imagining a crowd of people all leering at them. “You know, Argos, today was the first time I’ve slipped up and uttered an impure thought out loud in…” His lip curled, exposing a single, feline fang. “Years, probably. And I don’t even know what it is about you that brought it out.”

The coyote cocked his head, smirking. “Probably cause I’m so ruggedly attractively.”

Rivi chirped another little feline giggle. His eyes ever so slowly returned to the coyote, roaming across Argos. “Well…” He rubbed the back of his hand. “You aren’t not that.” Rivi’s gaze darted away again. “I think my brain was just…” He took a deep breath, then let it back out in a long sigh. “Broken. More than usual, I mean. I’ve been through a lot, lately, and I think it all just kept piling on, today. Until I didn’t even know what I was saying, anymore.”

“It’s understandable,” Argos said. “It sounds like you’ve been through hell and back, even before you woke up today. Whatever walls you try to keep up, they can’t have been holding up well lately.”

The cheetah shook his head. “They were not. Hell, I’m just thankful when they finally gave way, it was you, I was talking too. And not one of my people.” Rivi licked his snout. “You know, I meant to call you funny, not handsome.”

The coyote’s ears lifted. “Is too much to hope for to be both?”

“Oh, you’re definitely both.” Rivi’s words tumbled out of his muzzle a little fast. He clapped a hand to his snout when he realized what he said. At least this time the feline didn’t panic. “And now I’ve done it again.”

Argos chuckled. “I dunno, I kinda think you did it on purpose that time.”

“No…” Rivi straightened up. “If I was going to say those things on purpose, I’d do so like this.” He folded his hands, staring at Argos. “Mister Argos, I find you both comical, and attractive.” Almost immediately, the inside of the feline’s ears flushed deep scarlet. Rivi whirled around, his tail whipping through the air. “I can’t believe we said that to him, Rivi!”

“Aww, thanks, Rivi.” Argos forced himself to keep his reply as tame as possible, lest the poor cheetah’s head literally explode from embarrassment alone. “You gonna be okay if I call you the same?”

“Honestly?” Rivi’s voice rose to squeaky heights. “I wouldn’t even know how to take that.”

“In that case, I better not tell you how cute you are,” Argos said.

Rivi made another odd noise, a cross between strangled laughter and a chittering mewl. “Now you’re just teasing me.”

“Nah, I mean it.” Argos eased away from the wall to gently put a hand on Rivi’s shoulder. “I like the glasses. They look good on you.”

Rivi slowly turned back around. The thick, brass-rimmed spectacles in question perched upon his muzzle, magnifying his red-gold eyes. “Thank you. They’re prescriptive.”

Argos grinned. “Yeah, I’m sure they are.” He give Rivi’s shoulder a squeeze, then pulled his hand back. “I ain’t trying to embarrass you, or nothing. Just returning your compliment.”

“Thank you.” A shy smile crept across Rivi’s snout. “At least there’s no luggage for me to topple over, like the last time you called me that.”

“Oh yeah…” Argos flicked an ear back. “I did call you cute earlier, didn’t I. Kinda forgot about that, what with worrying you’d broke something.”

The cheetah looked down at his own hands. “Certainly not my finest moment.” Rivi’s ears shot up, his tail stuck out straight. “Oh!” He lifted his face, his eyes wide. “Not to change the subject, but aren’t we keeping your friend waiting?”

“Aw, fuck,” Argos said. “Iosa’s probably done eating by now.” He glanced at the door. “You still wanna go? If you’re not up to it anymore, I can take you back to the room, and then bring something back for you.”

Rivi quickly shook his head. “Oh, no, I’m absolutely starved. And, after the discussion we’ve just had, I think I’m more than ready for a serving of alcohol. Perhaps even two servings!”

“Whoa there, you lush, take it easy.” Argos laughed. “Come on, then.” He put his hand on the door handle, then paused to look back at Rivi again. “While it’s still just you and me, can I ask you something else?”

The cheetah tugged his sweater sleeve back down. “Certainly, Argos.”

“I’m guessing you ain’t never even had the chance to say something like that to another male before, right?” Argos smoothed his hands back over his ears. “To call him things like handsome, and attractive? To do so without fear of repercussions?”

Rivi slowly nodded. “That’s correct.”

“So, how’d it feel?”

The cheetah’s ears slowly splayed out as he considered the question. “Liberating, I think. Dangerously so, in fact. Almost as if, I want to say it again, sometime. Just to hear my secret thoughts given voice, at last. Even though I know they’re wrong, part of me still wants to hear them spoken aloud. To someone else who understands, I think.”

Argos only smiled at him. “Ain’t nothing wrong with your thoughts, Spots. And you can say them to me as often as you like. Hell, you can tell about all the cute males you’ve seen on your trip, so far, if you want.”

Rivi ran his hands down the front the front his sweater, clearing his throat with a little growl. “I’m not sure I should indulge in that sort of gossip, even in private.”

“You don’t got to,” Argos said. “But it’s an open offer. If you’ve ever wished you had a chance to just…” He waved his hand. “Talk about this stuff, as innocently as everyone else does, now’s your chance. Hell, I bet there’s some hot cat back home you used to wonder about.”

“A bartender, actually.” Rivi looked away, his eyes downcast. “A lion. With a dark mane. I used like the way he smiled at me.”

“See, there ya go, Spots.” Argos playfully thumped a fist into Rivi’s shoulder. “Feels good to talk about it, right?”

Rivi winced, rubbing his arm. “It did until you struck me.”

Argos grimaced, chuckling. “Sorry about that. I’ll try to be more gentle, next time. Now, if you’re ready, we should go find Iosa. You can tell me about that sexy lion later, if you want.”

“I…” Rivi dropped his hands, swallowing. “I think I’d like that.”

“Me too, Spots. Me too.”