What the hell was this?
The Pigs never came up here. Their floodlights refracting in the rain made it nearly impossible to see. I stared into the light like a confused deer, rain falling on my face. I was frozen on one leg, arm back, cocked and ready to throw my best fastball at the annoying dog.
These damn electric cars are so quiet they can sneak up on me.
I dropped my pose and tried my best to look innocent. The Whiskey in my left hand did not help.
The door of the car opened, a man emerged and cautiously stepped towards me. I squinted and curled my lip in disgust at the sight of his weird uniform and badge. He was definitely not a Ranger, or a Pig. The badge said “Aegis Community Patrol.”
Oh, Good. He was just some private security asshole. I wondered how much the HOA is charging the neighborhood to pay for this. We never had that bullshit when I lived here. Never needed it. We rarely even locked our front doors so children and friends could come and go as they pleased.
“Sir, may I ask who you are and what you're doing here?” he said.
“My name’s Andrew, and this is my neighborhood!” I shouted through the rain.
It was hard to hear him over the obnoxious barking.
“What address do you live at, sir?” he continued.
“I don’t live here anymore. I grew up at the end of Sequoia Court. The large house with the Ivy on the front. 322 Sequoia Court.” I replied.
“Are you staying with the Stein family?”
“Who?”
“Samuel and Rebekah Stein. They live at 322 Sequoia Court.”
“No. I don’t know them.”
“If you are not a guest and you don’t live here anymore then I am afraid you are trespassing and I will need you to leave. Everything past the Conejo trail-head is private property” the man lectured.
“What?” I growled.
“Have you been drinking tonight?’ he asked as he eyed the “Suntory Toki” [Whiskey – 43% ABV, 0.75l – 100%] in my hand.
‘Open containers of alcohol and public intoxication is a crime. I will call the police if you don’t put that away right now and go home.”
“No! I haven't been drinking! I’m not even drunk yet… AT ALL!’ I said, genuinely angry about that fact.
‘Look! The bottle isn’t even open yet. It’s still at [100%.]”
I performed a sarcastic dance with my Umbrella yellow and the “Suntory Toki” [Whiskey - 43% ABV, 0.75l – 100%] bottle before opening my Navy Blue Backpack and putting it away. I was doing a terrible job of not appearing drunk, but I didn't care.
I walked back the way I came, and the stupid guy returned to his car and followed me! He kept the annoying spotlight on my back the entire time.
What a dick.
I twirled Umbrella yellow as I walked and chewed into my Apple {bruised} with contempt. The sound of that horrible dog faded into the distance, replaced by increasingly loud claps of thunder and the gentle patter of the rain.
I can’t believe I’m being escorted off the road I learned to ride a bike on! Was this that invisible barrier I had been thinking about? The end of my desperate clinging to the past? The end of childish fantasies about what could have been? Was it move on, or die?
Judging by the way my guts were feeling at the moment, death was a real possibility. I had planned to crack the bottle open at the secret place before I learned it had been desecrated. Now this asshole showed up. I wondered how Emily was feeling right then and tears mingled with the rain on my face. Is she braindead? Was she in pain? Did people in a coma dream? What had even happened? My hands were beginning to shake continuously now.
I need my “Suntory Toki” [Whiskey - 43% ABV, 0.75l – 100%], but Deputy Dumbass is watching me…
I saw the trail-head approaching on my right. The wooden fence was closed and padlocked. I glanced at the ugly reflective sign outlining all the rules people have to follow and the hours you’re not supposed to be on the trail. I passed it by.
There, the security guard should stop following me now. I’m off private property.
Aaaaand he was still there.
OH MY GOD! Is he going to stay behind me for another mile and a half until I get back onto Oak Lane?
I whirled on him and gave the blackness above his headlights my best dirty look. I started to see weird trails in the air caused by his high beams after I turned back around. They were sort of like spots before my eyes, but lasted way too long and began to morph into creepy faces and geometric shapes before disappearing. Objects pulsed and writhed as if there were transparent worms wreathing my cone of vision that I could never manage to clearly see.
Yep, I was definitely starting to hallucinate. I really should have opened the alcohol the second I left the store.
But I knew I would attempt to go see Emily if I got too drunk. I knew myself too well. I only needed a swig or two to fend off the withdrawal. But again, I knew myself, and on a night like tonight… the second the cap came off “Suntory Toki” [Whiskey – 43% ABV, 0.75l – 100%], it would become “Suntory Toki” bottle [empty] within 4 hours, tops.
Unless I passed out first... then there would be some left in the morning to brush my teeth with.
“Fuck this.” I cursed as bits of apple fell from my mouth.
I turned on my heel and ran past his passenger door back towards the trail-head. I would just climb over the stupid wooden gate, drink in the forest a bit to settle my nerves, and go home. The patrol car's tires spun in the mud as he started to flip a bitch and pursue me. I tossed the Umbrella yellow over the fence first before I swung my right leg over. It was not a tall gate or anything, (about chest high) but even so I failed my Dexterity Check, Flip Flop {left} got caught, and I fell on my ass in the mud. The security guard skidded to a halt and hopped out of his vehicle.
“Stop!’ he said.
I yanked the Apple {core} out of my clenched teeth and hurled it at his head as he reached between the wooden slats to grab my leg.
*Critical Hit!*
Deputy Dumbass yelped and moved the offending hand to his face instead. In a second, I was on my feet again. I grabbed Umbrella yellow on my way and disappeared down the trail, forever beyond the reach of that annoying, demonic spotlight.
‘The trails are closed at night! COME BACK!”
What a dork.
I ran, and kept running with a maniacal grin on my face. Flip-Flop {left} was gone. I was sure the security guard had put it in a plastic bag marked Exhibit F by then. My heart pounded heavy in my chest as the contents of Navy Blue Backpack hammered against my spine like a battering ram. I unequipped Flip-Flop {right} for balance, and continued deeper into the wilderness. The soft mud was soothing to my bare feet. I felt more free than I had in years.
As I trudged farther down the trail, my addled mind slipped into a daydream about my future appearance in court:
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The security guard was there, glaring at me as I leaned back with my legs crossed as a single dirty bare foot pointed at him from the stand.
“Andrew Murphy, you are charged with trespassing, attempting to feed fruit to a Pit-Bull, and assaulting an officer somewhat tangentially related to the law. How do you plead?” asked the sexy raven-haired Judge as she eye fucked me over the rim of her ruby-red glasses. She had a "Venus" figure, with huge breasts and thighs that I could sink into and never come up for air.
“I don’t plead at all! ANDREW MURPHY is not me. That is a corporation founded in my name upon creation of my birth certificate. I am ‘Andrew Murphy’ –lowercase; A free man on the land.” I declared as I lit a cigarette in the courtroom.
Judge Bombshell raised an eyebrow and licked her lips at my delicious deconstruction of her authority. She had zero grounds and she knew it. We were just going through the motions now—and from the look in her eyes… maybe later too.
“Your honor, I would like to enter Exhibit F into the record and present it to the court.” says the Prosecutor, tugging nervously at his beard.
Judge Bombshell rolled her eyes and slumped as she blew a stray bit of hair from her face.
“Granted.”
The jury gasped as Flip Flop {left} was presented to the court.
“Free traveler Murphy...’ he said with a sneer.
‘This Flip Flop was recovered by Mr. Deputy Dumbass of Aegis Community Patrol AT THE CRIME SCENE, and matches the DNA we obtained from you while in custody. Do you deny his testimony that you were about to throw an Apple {bruised} at a helpless fur-baby, brandished alcohol in public, trespassed on private property, threw the aforementioned Apple {core} at Mr. Dumbass, and entered a public hiking trail at an unlawful time of day?”
I punctuated the pregnant pause with an unnecessarily long drag of my cigarette.
“Not at all.” I said, as I blew a smoke sculpture of “Washington Crossing the Delaware” out across the courtroom.
Murmurs erupted as the prosecutor peeled back his lips in a self satisfied smile.
“...What I deny, is the biased interpretation of the events in question. On May 11th, I was taking an evening walk through my old neighborhood. There was no gatehouse, or any clearly visible sign posted that informed me I had entered private property. Upon reaching the cul-de-sac, I was verbally threatened, and physically intimidated by Mr. Pibbles.” I continued.
“Could you please identify Mr. Pibbles to the court?” Judge Bombshell asked.
“Yes, your honor. Mr. Pibbles is present in the court today, seated to the left of Deputy Dumbass. He has white and brown fur, and is wearing a pinstripe suit, white shirt, and a black bow tie.”
“Let the record show that the defendant has identified the plaintiff, Mr. Pibbles.”
“As I was saying... Mr. Pibbles had been restrained in the front yard by a rope, without which I have no doubt violence would have been visited upon my person. I notice that his “Mommy” did not respond to my subpoena so that she may testify on the matter of her son's apparent house arrest.’
The Dog looked as if he would attempt to lunge at me again, but the prosecutor whispered something in his ear and he relaxed.
‘I was outside of his territory, and naturally saw these provocations as a declaration of war. I offered the Apple as the opening negotiation of a peace treaty, and the Whiskey was so that we might share a toast upon successful signing of a contract, as is customary when two parties come to an accord.
However, Deputy Dumbass–falsely acting under the color of the law–interrupted our parlay.
He questioned my intentions and asked me to identify myself without providing his own name, rank, or badge number. I complied in good faith. He informed me I needed to leave, and followed me to the boundary stated. Once I crossed that boundary, he continued his pursuit and I feared I may become the victim of piracy, as he had taken note of the goods I carried.
I attempted to flee to public land, where the Federal nature of his crime might dissuade him. I entered the hiking trail as a refugee. Once I was on federal property, he attempted to physically detain me. As he was not a real law enforcement officer, I could only interpret his actions as attempted kidnapping. I surrendered some of my goods; an Apple {core}, and my Flip Flop {left}. Upon receiving these items, he called off the raid.
“OBJECTION!”
“Denied. Continue Mr. Murphy.”
I hopped down from the stand and began to saunter back and forth before the jury.
“That concludes my account of the evening in question. But before I close my case I would like to draw the attention of the jury back to the evidence. Stories are just that, one man's word against another, and you have heard two very different stories here tonight.
What matters are the hard, physical, FACTS. Such as the fact that a civilian, Mr. Dumbass, brought to this court as evidence, my Apple {core}, and my Flip Flop {left}. His possession of these items without my consent, which have been established to be mine by the court through DNA analysis, prove beyond reasonable doubt that Mr. Dumbass is guilty of piracy and that my testimony is the truth.’
I approach the Prosecutors table and extinguish my cigarette in the Deputy’s glass of diet Pepsi.
‘The defense rests.”
The entire jury box jumped to their feet at once shouting “NOT GUILTY!”
Mr. Pibbles snarled and began devouring his own bow tie before being muzzled by a bailiff. Deputy Dumbass was placed in handcuffs. The prosecutor threw his hat to the floor and stomped on it. The Indian from the Liquor Store nodded to me as a single tear crept down his cheek.
“Mr. Murphy, you are free to go.” said Judge Bombshell with a wink. The gavel dropped, and she bent down low from the bench to shake my hand, granting me a generous view of her cleavage. I opened the strip of paper she slipped into my palm to find it was her phone number, surrounded by little hearts. Emily noticed what she had done and launched herself over the podium, tackling Judge Bombshell. They ripped each other's clothes off and began brawling throughout the courtroom.
Red, White, and Blue confetti fluttered down from the ceiling.
My father told me he loved me for the first time. So did Emily. My mother beamed as she handed me a warm Apple Pie. A Marching band burst into the courtroom playing “God Bless America” and cheerleaders carried me outside into the… pouring rain?
The storm was getting pretty bad, and for the first time since I left the liquor store I noticed that I was quite cold.
Finally time for some Fire Water. But where to drink it?
Everything was wet, obviously. I still had my Umbrella yellow, but I didn't fancy getting my ass any wetter than it already was. I needed a dry place to sit. It’s pretty dark now, the full moon was hidden behind the clouds and rain. Thankfully the lightning was bright and frequent enough that I could get my bearings.
I remembered there was a cave on a cliff-side not too far from here. It was not a very big cave, but the inside was at a higher elevation than the entrance, so it should be dry. I used to smoke weed there as a teenager. It was a really nice spot–overlooking a clearing with a view of the entire valley below. The perfect place to rest a bit and watch the storm.
I began to back track and searched for the smaller path that would take me to the cave. I'm pretty sure I passed it while I was imagining Emily strangling Judge Bombshell with her bra.
The hallucinations were getting pretty annoying by this point. I kept thinking that shadows and rocks were faces or animals peering out at me from the darkness. I did my best to ignore them and focused on the ground directly ahead of me to avoid stepping on anything sharp. I always found that if I moved the awareness in my body to my legs, they tended to walk skillfully almost on their own.
It was not long before I heard strange noises all around me. They were sounds like crashing, branches breaking, followed by an almost human yell. It was like a whole herd of deer were barreling through the brush some ways off with little concern for noise. It was hard to tell through the thunder and the splatter of the rain.
I equipped Cellphone [battery: 34%] and turned on the flash light.
I saw a tiny brown man wearing a ghillie suit made of woven leaves less than 30 feet away from me. He was running at full speed, carrying a long straight pole of some kind. He wasn’t following the trail I was on, merely crossing over it. It was creepy as hell, just like when Mel Gibson saw that Alien in the cornfield during the movie “Signs."
I screamed like a girl and dropped my phone immediately.
“Who goes there!?” I boomed in an overly masculine and commanding tone to compensate, but my voice was stolen by the wind.
It’s better to stay quiet anyway.
I was too afraid to turn the flashlight on again, and scurried along the trail crouched close to the ground. When I reached the spot I thought I saw the man, I could find no sign of footprints in the mud. Rather than spook me some more, I felt relief because now I was convinced he was just another hallucination.
Why would some kind of jungle pygmy be running around the Oak forests of California in a fucking thunderstorm?
A few minutes later, I found the trail to the cave! It hasn't disappeared over the years because people must still visit it. The path sloped upward as I drew nearer to the canyon wall. I began to wonder if I would be able to climb up there in this rain without slipping off the wet rocks when I found… a rope.
The cave was very popular now, apparently. Lucky for me, I guess. I used the rope to ascend forty or so feet to the mouth of the cave. With my Umbrella yellow open and tucked down the back of my jacket so it still covered my head, I entered my sanctuary somewhat dry and without issue. I considered turning on the Cellphone [battery: 33%] flashlight again, when I gazed out over the valley and witnessed the strangest thing I had ever seen in my life.
I closed the Umbrella yellow and pulled out my Binoculars {innocent}.
No, it was not a hallucination. Hallucinations didn't become magnified when viewed through a lens.
I went prone in hopes of staying hidden, and watched.