A week later, I'm standing in front of Leah's apartment once again.

This time, it's her who opens.

We stare at each other for a moment.

„Can I come in?“

She hesitates. Then wordlessly steps aside to let me in.

„I'll make coffee,“ she says and I nod.

I love this apartment. I loved it from the first time on I was here.

I don't think any of my friends would guess that this is my favorite place in New York. They all say I like shiny things and I guess I do.

But it always smells like coffee and Leah in here.

„Here.“

I take the coffee from Leah and smile at her.

She didn't give me my favorite mug, but I don't mention it. I know I've lost the right to.

„Why are you here, Delilah?“

I blow on my coffee. „To talk.“

Leah gives me a look. „I mean, really. Ultimately. What do you want?“

I look at her.

I wish she'd stop asking questions. I wish we could go back to how it was before I fucked it up.

Because I know I did. I know I did and I hate myself for it.

And I don't really understand why I'm here now, insistent to fix it.

I just know that I can't sleep anymore. I couldn't really sleep for more than a year because something was missing.

„To see you again,“ I say.

„You have.“

„I meant permanently. I want to be in your life again,“ I tell her.

Leah shakes her head. „No. I can't.“

I swallow. „Leah, I'm so sorry for what I've done. I've been... horrible. I know you're mad at me. I understand.“

„Mad doesn't really cut it,“ she says.

I close my eyes for a moment.

Someone really should give me a medal. I'm brilliant when it comes to hurting people.

„I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back.“

„But you can't.“

„Yes. So I'll have to ask you for forgiveness.“

Leah stares into her cup. „I can't forgive you. I'm sorry.“

My heart feels offbeat. „What can I do?“

Now Leah does look at me. „I don't think you can do anything. I simply don't trust you.“

I take a deep breath. „Leah, I came back for you.“

She turns her head to the side. „That's not true.“

„Yes, it is. I could have taken internships in Boston or LA. But I wanted to be here. I wanted to be with you.“

It looks as if I'd cause Leah physical pain.

„Stop, please,“ she says.

But I can't. I have to tell her.

I reach out and take her hand. „I know I fucked up. But it doesn't change the way I feel about you. I get that you can't just... forget so easily. I want to earn it.“

I don't know where those words came from.

„I'll earn your forgiveness,“ I say.

Leah still won't look at me.

„Say something.“

Now she does. „I can't fucking believe you. You're doing that on purpose, aren't you? You always have. You just won't let me go.“

„I'm not doing this to mess with you.“

„Really? It feels like you are.“ She stands up and runs a hand through her hair. Then she turns to me, looking at me accusingly. „Over a year, Delilah! I've worked on getting over you for over a year. And I'm fucking good now, okay? I don't need you to swoop in and make a mess out of everything again.“

I get up too.

„That's not what I'm doing.“

Leah laughs. It's such a cold sound that I recoil as if she'd have bitten me.

„It's what you always do.“

Now I can't hold her gaze anymore.

Ugly.

I feel ugly again.

„Alright. I'll go then.“

Leah nods, not looking at me. „I think you should.“

Already standing in the open door, I turn around, facing her once again.

„Did you love me?“ I ask her.

The stare she gives me goes right through me, bone and marrow and everything else.

„That's not the question, Delilah.“

I grip the doorknob tightly.

„Please leave now,“ she says.

I do as I'm told.

Leah

May rests her head on my shoulder as we ride the subway back to her place.

Alcohol is making my head fuzzy and I watch the everchanging lights, smell different perfumes and the reek of whiskey.

Whiskey.

„May?“

„Hm?“

„Have you ever got your heart broken?“

She sits up so she can look at me. Her eyeliner is a little smudged and her lipstick even more.

„Yes. I was eighteen when I met him. He was Chinese, like me and we bonded instantly. I've never... fallen in love so quickly. You know that I don't believe in love at first sight, but...“ She shrugs. „That felt like it. It was the summer of my graduation and he was working at the waffle house me and my friends loved to go to.“

I study her face. She has the look of someone deep in their memories, so deep, they feel like they're not here anymore.

„He was older than me, one year.“

She sighs.

„What happened?“ I ask.

„Not much, to be honest. He had a girlfriend. That was it. But I... well. I couldn't let it go, so...“ Now she smiles. „Of course, I didn't stay away. And neither did he. I've hung out with him every other day during that summer.“

„And then?“

„Then I moved to New York for college and never saw him again.“

The story sounds incomplete and that proves its truth.

Real stories always are. They don't happen like in the movies. Most of the time, there is not a clear beginning and definitely not a well-rounded ending. Those true stories, they just begin randomly and then they end. No conclusion. No climax of the story. They just begin and they end.

„I know I probably can't compare that to your situation,“ she says, wiping hair out of her face. „I mean, we've never really been anything. But I loved him. As much as he'd let me.“

„That's sad,“ I say.

„Kind of. But I made my piece with it.“

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„Did you think about him a lot after you left?“

May frowns a little.

„In the beginning, yes. It hurt. I felt like... I missed the greatest opportunity of my life. Like I missed my great love. But I came to realize that I didn't miss anything. It wasn't my fault that we never had a chance. He didn't give us one. Sometimes I like to think he regrets that.“

She smiles, just faintly. „Or I used to. Now I just hope he's happy. He's a great person and deserves the best. I have Chris now and I don't miss him anymore.“

„I wish I could be as mature as you are about it,“ I admit.

„Don't be too hard on yourself. I've had years to come to terms with it. And it wasn't like you and Delilah. It was just a... What If.“

What If. The worst. The absolute worst.

„Delilah says she wants me back,“ I tell the dark window.

„But you won't take her.“ May sounds sure about it.

I shake my head.

„No,“ I say, my voice weirdly distant. „No, I won't. I don't think I can live though that again.“

May drapes an arm around my shoulders and squeezes.

I'm studying at home, trying not to think of Delilah, when the doorbell rings.

My heart instantly goes into overdrive. It's not May (she would have texted) and Alex usually doesn't show up like that either.

So it's probably Delilah.

I take a deep breath and open the door.

It's not Delilah.

But I almost wish it was.

„What are you doing here?“

„Bringing you brownies.“ My mom tries for her best smile and I let her in, not quite able to simply slam the door.

„How is college, honey?“

„I told you I don't want you to visit us here,“ I say, crossing my arms.

She sets down the tupper ware. „I know. But I wanted to see you. You haven't come by in forever.“

I avoid her gaze.

„Yeah, I've been... busy.“

„College?“

I nod. That is not even a lie. College does keep me busy – almost more than I would like.

„Well, I'm sure you're doing great. You've always been such a smart one.“

I roll my eyes.

„As if you could judge that.“

I didn't quite mean to sound so mean. I wasn't trying to insinuate that she's stupid. But she has never had any idea of my academics, not in highschool and not now.

Her face falls a little.

I open the box and fish for a brownie. An explosion of chocolate and sugar and butter is hitting my tastebuds and involuntarily, I close my eyes.

I almost forgot how good these taste.

„You like it?“

I nod. „They're awesome.“

My mom smiles smugly. „Yes, I know.“

She doesn't stay much longer.

Before she goes, she says: „Let me know when you can spare a little time. I could cook dinner.“

I nod, slowly. Then, when she's almost out of the door, I shout after her: „Thanks, mom.“

It's already dark and cold outside when I slip into my brother's room. He's lying on his bed, phone in hand.

„Cades?“

He turns the screen off. „Yeah?“

I crawl into bed next to him and he makes room for me.

„Can't concentrate?“

I shake my head.

He sighs deeply. Our shoulders are pressed together. „If you want to see her, go see her.“

I turn my head. „Who?“

He laughs. „Delilah, of course.“

I hide my face behind my forearm. „I don't want to see Delilah.“

„Liar.“

„I don't want to want to see her.“

Caden turns his head so he can look at me. „Okay. But... you know, maybe she's changed.“

„That's what everyone always says before they get cheated on again.“

Caden is quiet for a moment. Then he takes my hand. It's big and warm and spends comfort like nothing else.

„I'm a believer in second chances. Someone – I think they were, like, a hundred-year-old – said that you should always give people a second, but never a third chance.“

I think about it for a moment.

„It feels like I've already given Delilah more than two chances.“

„But this is the first time she's asking you for one, isn't it?“

I stay silent.

„Leah, she moved to New York for you.“

„She moved to New York because she works here now.“

„No, I think it's the other way around.“

I press my forearm against my eyes. „I can't do it again, Cades.“

„Maybe you won't have to.“

„I still love her,“ I whisper into the darkness,

„I know. That's why I think you should talk to her.“

„It's why I think I shouldn't.“

He pauses, but I know he's about to say something. „I've never seen you like this before. Not with anyone.“

A new surge of pain crashes over me. „You're not helping, Caden.“

„I think this might be worth hurting for.“

I call Delilah a day later.

„Leah?“

Just hearing her voice is like everything crashing over me at once.

„I thought about it and I'd like to talk.“

„Oh.Yes. When?“

„Today?“

It's a Sunday, so I figured she might be free.

„Sure. Should I come over?“

„No, I thought maybe we could meet at a coffee shop?“

„Alright. Just text me the adress, yeah?“

Delilah is already waiting for me when I arrive at the coffee shop.

I can't help but think she looks like a princess with her black tights and skater skirt, white turtle neck tucked into the skirt.

„Hi.“

„Hey.“

„I bought you coffee.“ She smiles at me, unsurely.

„Thank you.“

I sit down and clasp the cup, trying to not be stupid.

„I'm glad we're doing this,“ she says, smiling still.

I nod. „Yeah.“

„I could start with apologizing again,“ she says.

I bite my lip and finally look at her. „I'd rather you explain.“

Her face grows serious. „Okay. I can try.“

She takes a swig from her coffee (something awfully sweet, from the looks of it) and then looks back at me. „Could you ask questions, please?“

„Why didn't you tell me you'd leave?“

„I honestly have a hard time recalling that. I think that at first, I thought it didn't matter and then... I guess I knew that you might end things if I did. And I was afraid of that. So I decided not to tell you. Which is stupid, I know. And I'm sorry for that.“

I take a deep breath.

„Why did you lie to me?“

„About what?“

„About what I meant to you.“ My fingers are gripping the cup so tightly now, I'm afraid it'll break.

„I didn't. Honestly.“

I hate myself so much for still drowning in her eyes. I feel like scratching my own face open just to escape her pull.

„Yes you did. You knew I... liked you. And you pretended you felt the same.“

„No, I...“ She closes her eyes for a moment.

„Okay. So... I thought I was lying to you. But I was actually honest with you and only lying to myself.“

„What the hell are you talking about?“ I don't bother hiding my annoyance with her.

She looks down. „I was telling myself what we had was only casual for me. But I think I always knew it wasn't. It just took me a long time to admit it.“

„Why?“

„Because... I didn't want anything else.“

„Because you knew you'd have to leave?“

„Not only. I just... I wasn't looking for love, Leah. I never have. I don't want all that crap other girls seem to want. Relationship. Marriage. Children. I don't want that.“

„Okay.“

„But then I met you and... you make me rethink so many things. You're the first person to ever... make me want to try. You make me want to know everything about you. I've never felt that before.“

Her eyes are on me and she looks so honest.

But I thought she had been honest before. „How can I trust you? You cheated on me.“

Delilah swallows. „I understand that you think of it that way and it was definitely wrong, but it didn't feel like cheating to me. I kept telling myself that things are casual. And you never said anything else either.“

„I asked you to be my girlfriend.“

„One time. And when I said no, you acted like it was fine.“

I snort. „Whatever.“

„No, honestly, Leah. I didn't know you'd be that hurt by me hooking up with other people.“

„If you did, would that have changed anything?“

She pauses. „I don't know. But I can promise you, it will be different now.“

I look away.

„You can't forgive me at all?“ Her voice is quiet.

I push my hair back.

My heart is hammering and breaking and I want to scream at her and I want to kiss her and I don't want to feel the things I'm feeling right now.

„Maybe someday. I don't know.“

She smiles at me. „I'll take that for now.“ She reaches out to take my hand.

I pull it away.

„Leah. We've made out already.“

„That was a mistake.“

She actually has the nerve to look hurt by that.

„Okay, if you think so. I don't think so.“

We're both silent, sipping our coffee. When I meet her gaze again, she gives me one of her oh so beautiful smiles.

„Are you free next Friday? I'd love to take you out.“

I bear the tearing feeling in my chest because there is nothing else I could do.

„No, sorry.“

„Okay, then Saturday?“ Her smile crumbles.

„I can't, Delilah.“

Her eyes narrow, search my face. I can't meet her gaze.

„Why not?“

My phone buzzes.

The pieces fall into place in Delilah's eyes.

„There's someone else.“

I don't say anything. I don't have to.

She looks away. Swallows thickly. „Who is it?“

„You don't know him.“ My voice is brittle.

„How long?“ She's looking at me now, eyes shuttered.

„We're not really... we're not official. But it might be headed that way.“

She nods slowly. Looks at her hands.

„Well, I'm still here. And I don't think there's anyone better for you than me. But it's your decision.“

She gets up, graceful as ever and slings her bag over her shoulder.

„Give me a call when you miss me, Leah.“