I call Delilah the second I step outside the building.
„Hey, Leah.“
There is a lot of background noise, honking cars and the brisk steps of people hurrying along.
We haven't talked in days. I don't care.
„Do you have time?“
„Um... yeah. Sure.“
She must have sensed the urgency in my voice.
„Cool. I can pick you up.“
„I thought you don't drink?“
Delilah gives me an amused look.
„I don't usually drink.“
„And today isn't usually,“ she concedes and takes a sip from her vodka soda.
„Will you dance with me?“ she asks.
I glance at the mass of people on the dancefloor, shaking their asses and grinding against each other.
It's a straight club, meaning all the girls look the same and all the men are only here to stare at the girls' boobs.
„I don't really dance.“
„Tonight you will,“ Delilah says.
Somehow, I have the feeling she's right.
„I need another drink first.“
I haven't drunk in a year and the alcohol hits me with full force. It's a great feeling. I'm warm and fuzzy and my limbs are so loose, I don't protest at all when Delilah pulls me to the dancefloor. The music that's playing isn't necessarily my thing, but I find that I don't mind. When Low comes on I scream along with everyone else.
The whole night, I've avoided looking at Delilah too closely. But now I can't help it. She's dancing right in front of me and she looks just... she looks like someone that would get cast as the main role of a love story.
The dress she's wearing is short and tight and black and there is a zipper in front, which is silver and keeps shining in the disco lights. Her hair is messy in just the right way and her eyes rimmed with black and I just... I want to touch her.
I dance like I haven't since I was eighteen and angry and finally free. I dance and forget about everything that keeps my mind spinning.
I don't think about that I can't dance. I just do it.
When a dude grabs Delilah's wrist, I glare at him and she takes my hand and I spin her around, away from him.
For a moment, we're face to face. Then I let her go.
„I love this song,“ she shouts and I can feel the beat vibrating in my chest.
I don't know the song as well as she does, but it's a good one.
I'm watching her move and I'm certainly not the only one.
There are at least three guys staring at her, salivating, contemplating how to best make their move.
The song ends and Delilah laughs and comes closer as one of the man gets closer to her. My heart is beating loudly.
„Watch out,“ I tell her, not sure if she can even hear me over the music. „This one is gonna come over.“
She grins. Her face is very close now.
We're not really dancing anymore. Her arms come up, rest on my shoulder. She crosses her wrists behind my neck. I stop breathing.
„You want to give them a show?“
Her breath smells like tequila and her eyeliner is smudged.
When she kisses me, my eyes close. Her lips are so soft and we just stay there for a moment, mouth on mouth, blood pulsing through me.
She pulls back a fraction. Just a fraction and looks at me.
I lock eyes with her, then kiss her again.
She parts her lips and my tongue flicks over her bottom lip and there is no room for anything anymore. Anything but her.
My hands are on her waist, her lower back. She touches my hair, my neck. Pulls me closer.
I think someone is whistling, but I don't care.
I got the girl and they don't.
When we part, Delilah grins at me. She takes my hand.
„Dance with me.“
I wake up hungover the next day. Hungover and happy. My mouth tastes disgusting from all the alcohol, but I still remember how tequila tastes on Delilah's tongue and I bury my face in my pillow.
I think of her when I roll out of bed, momentarily feeling terribly sick. I think of her when I pad into the shower, washing away the sweat and smoke and then brushing my teeth to chase away the foul taste. I think of her when I make coffee, the strongest brew I'm capable of making. I take a sip and that's when I think of Caden.
Caden, who I stormed out on yesterday.
I slink to his room and knock.
„Cades?“
No one answers. I sigh and push the door open.
He's not there.
My heart starts beating.
I know, I shouldn't get this uneasy. He's mad at me and when Caden is mad, he needs his space.
But not knowing where he is, is and has always been, the worst feeling in the world for me.
I call him, but he doesn't answer. It's almost noon. Maybe he's with Alex. Or he went out to some café to write.
I take my coffee to the couch and sit down with my phone.
Maybe I should text Delilah. I should text her. But I'm not sure what to say. That I had fun last night? That much is obvious. That I want to do it again? I'm scared she'd say no.
In the end, I settle for: Did you get home safe?
She doesn't answer. Maybe she's still sleeping.
I empty my cup and press a hand to my stomach. It's been a long while since I've been hungover and I really didn't miss it.
And yet, I feel myself smiling. I can't stop smiling.
„Don't get too excited,“ I tell the empty room.
But I am excited. And maybe it's okay to be. I mean, I just made out with the prettiest girl I've ever seen. A girl with big dreams and a lot of bite. I'm allowed to get excited about that. I sing along to the songs on the radio while I make breakfast (I always feel less sick after eating something).
I almost miss my phone ringing.
„Hello?“
Maybe it's Alex. It's possible that Caden's phone died.
„Miss Jones?“
I have a déjà-vu. Only that it isn't really. It has happened before.
„Yes?“
„Are you Caden Jones' sister?“
„Yes.“
„We're sorry to inform you that your brother suffered a heart failure.“
I don't notice that my legs give in. I just find myself on the floor, the whole room spinning.
„Is he dead?“
„No. We've successfully ressurected him. He's currently in intensive care.“
„I'll be there in twenty minutes.“
„Miss Jones?“
„Where is he? I want to see him.“
The doctor holds me back.
„You can see him as soon as we're done with the tests we're currently running.“
„Will he die?“
„He's stable at the moment.“
I'm shaking.
„Sit down. Drink some water. We'll get back to you as soon as possible,“ she says, giving me one sympathetic look before hurrying off.
I sit down and wonder if it's possible that this is just a dream.
I want it to be a dream, but I know it's not.
In the end, I only have to wait an hour before another doctor approaches me. He's sturdy and not much taller than me, black-gray hair and round glasses plus a mouth that's made for smiling.
„Miss Jones?“
I get up. He shakes my hand.
„I am Doctor Navarro,“ he says.
His handshake is warm and strong.
Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.
„How is Caden?“
Even on his friendly face, I recognize the look. It's a doctor's bad-news look.
„Mr. Jones is stable. But his heart failure has been the result of a chronic heart insufficiency, which is not uncommon regarding his history. His records say he was born with a heart defect?“
I nod.
„Yes.“
„And he's had surgery twice before?“
He did. Once before he could even speak, so small I didn't think he could survive people opening up his chest. That was the big one, when they tried to fix his fucked heart. When he was twelve, he got a pacemaker to tackle his arrhythmia. That's when they told us he'd likely experience complications in the future.
No one wanted to get specific on that one. I assume they didn't know what would happen.
But that Caden's heart has never been able to do its job properly is not a secret.
„So what do we do now?“ I ask.
Navarro looks at me with sympathy. He's sorry.
„I'm afraid he'll need a transplant.“
I close my eyes for a moment.
„Okay. Okay, so – how do we get one?“
„I already put him on the waiting list. I'm optimistic that he'll recieve one in time. He's way younger than most.“
I've seen the statistics before. How many donors there are and how many people need a heart.
„Okay,“ I say. „Does he have to stay here? As long as we're waiting for one?“
„We'll keep him here for surveillance for a couple days and then decide if he's well enough to go home. I expect he will be, but we can't be sure at this point.“
„How... long does it take? Until he gets a transplant?“
Navarro tilts his head.
„That varies a lot. Some people have to wait for years. Others only weeks. We can't predict it.“
„Alright.“
My hands are trembling, but I know I have to keep it together.
„So, how will he be feeling?“
„Chronic fatigue is common. Coughing. Sometimes, swelling of the limbs occurs.“
I think about Caden's cough. I think about him sleeping in the afternoon.
„He needs to rest. No school and no sports.“
I nod.
„Yes. Of course.“
I blink. My head is spinning. I feel sick.
Navarro reaches out and squeezes my arm.
„I'm optimistic that he'll be fine.“
I nod, not able to talk.
„Thank you.“
He leaves me and I can finally go to see my brother.
Unlike the last time, there is now a myrad of tubes sneaking their way into his veins. At least he's not wearing a mask.
My hands smell of disinfectants and the mask I'm wearing seems to keep me from taking a deep breath.
„Hey, Cades.“
He blinks slowly. Only half-awake.
Very carefully, so not to hurt him, I sit down beside him and take his hand.
„How are you feeling?“
He swallows.
„Been better.“
His voice is hoarse.
I run one finger over the back of his hand. Lightly.
„What's happening now?“ he asks.
He can hardly keep his eyes open.
Part of me wants to shield him from the truth. But of course he has to know.
„You need a heart transplant, Caden,“ I tell him.
He swallows.
„Oh.“
„I'm sorry.“
„It's okay. I mean, we already knew my heart was doing a shit job.“
He tries for a smile.
I don't smile back.
„You know I'd give you mine.“
He frowns, his eyelids dropping again.
„Don't say that.“
„It's true.“
„You keep yours,“ he murmurs and I'm fighting the tears.
„I need you to be strong, Cades,“ I say.
He nods, eyes closed.
„I'm here, love,“ I say, stroking his hand.
I think he smiles a little.
I stay with him until I'm certain he's fallen asleep.
Standing in the white corridor again, I know that I'll have to call my mother. I might be Caden's emergency contact, but she will want to know. I guess she has the right to.
When I look at my phone, I see that Delilah has texted me.
My night with her at the club feels like years ago.
I call my mother. As expected, she has no idea how to handle this and I'm not going to be the one to comfort her. That's just too much right now.
„I'll come over,“ she says and I want to tell her not to, but Caden will want to see her. So I say nothing.
„Do you need anything?“ she asks.
„A new heart for my brother.“
I can hear her swallow.
„It'll all be -“
„Don't,“ I cut her off.
I hang up and call Delilah instead.
„Hey, you.“
Her voice is sleepy and flirtatious.
„Caden is in the hospital,“ I tell her without preamble.
I can hear her sitting up.
„What? Why? Another panic attack?“
„No. He needs a heart transplant.“
There is a short silence.
„Oh, fuck. Fuck. I don't know what to say.“
„Me neither.“
„Do you want me to come?“
I bite my lip.
It might be wiser to say no.
But, as Caden so nicely pointed out, no one else will.
„If you have time?“
„Sure. Wait, let me just get dressed.“
My mother is the first to arrive.
„Honey,“ she says and I turn my head away and hug her briefly.
She's wearing jeans and t-shirt, no make up. She must have rushed.
„Can I see him?“ she asks.
„He's sleeping.“
„He needs to rest.“
„Obviously.“
My mother doesn't say anything to that comment, just looks at me.
„Are you okay?“
„What do you think?“ I snap. „My brother might die. He needs a new heart.“
„Yes. That was a stupid question.“
She reaches out to touch my shoulder, but I jerk it away.
„What exactly happened?“ she asks.
„He collapsed at a café. Heart failure. They brought him to the hospital immediately.“
I fill her in on everything she's missed and then we sit there in silence.
„Don't visit Caden when you're not well,“ I say,
She looks at me. Her eyes are blue, so unlike mine.
My mother used to be really pretty when she was younger. Now it's all gone.
„I'm well, Leah.“
„Yeah. Right now. Don't come see him when it changes.“
She swallows.
„It won't. Not drastically.“
„Whatever. Just... don't worry him.“
Before she can answer, I see a very familiar figure approaching us.
I get up and walk toward her, meeting her in the middle of the corridor.
„Hey,“ Delilah says, crease between her brows.
She's wearing plain shorts and a loose shirt, no make up and her hair looks unkempt.
„I'm so sorry, Leah,“ she says and hugs me.
Feeling her warm, solid body calms me.
„Yeah,“ I just say and she holds me a little tighter before letting go.
„My mother is here.“
„Oh. Okay.“
„We don't get along well.“
„I can save you from awkward conversation if you want,“ she says and I smile.
„You just did.“
I go back to my apartment with Delilah to pick up some things for Caden.
„I bought you some food,“ Delilah says and finally hands me the brown bag she'd been carrying.
„Thank you,“ I say and mean it.
I share the donuts with her and we head back to the hospital.
My mother hovers a bit and then eventually leaves and Delilah and I curl up on the bench in a waiting area nearest Caden's room. I'm not sure I'm allowed to touch her. Experimentally, I lean my head against her shoulder. She rests her cheek against the top of my head and drapes one arm around me. Her fingers are drawing circles on my upper arm and I close my eyes.
„Are you scared?“ she asks quietly.
„Yes. Terrified.“
She pulls me a little closer.
„I get it.“
„The thing is, even if he gets a transplant, he could still die,“ I say.
„But he could also live.“
„He has to. He's... you don't have siblings, right?“
She shakes her head.
„I don't know how to explain it. But thinking about him die – I can't even imagine it. And I tried to. A lot.“
„He's always had this desease?“
„A defect, yes. He was born with it. They tried to fix it when he was a kid. Didn't really work.“
Delilah frowns, one hand caressing my arm.
I'm a terrible person for that hand taking up most of my attention. I don't know why, but somehow, I feel like she's slipping. Like she'd be half out of the door already, even though she's right here with me. Holding me.
I'm not allowed to take Caden home.
„It's too risky,“ Navarro tells me.
I blink at him, nod. My throat feels sore.
I can't get sick right now. If I do, they won't let me see my brother.
„But it might actually a good thing,“ Navarro goes on. „The more urgent his case is, the sooner he'll be considered for a transplant.“
„Oh. Hi.“
Alex clearly did not intend to run into me.
I can't blame him.
„He's in room 242,“ I say.
I'm more or less living at the hospital now. I don't even go to work.
„Okay.“
He turns around and I turn back to the coffee machine. I bet if they tested my blood, they'd find it to be half consisting of caffeine.
„Leah?“
Alex' eyes aren't quite blue, but not really gray, either. Something in between. They're overshadowed by strong brows.
„I'm really sorry this happened,“ he says.
I look at the cup in my hand.
Last time I saw him, I very intentionally scared him away by telling him all about Caden's condition. I think I've used the phrase his heart could stop any moment. Back then, I thought I was exaggerating.
I know I should apologize to him. But my brother is slowly dying a couple metres away from me and I can't bring myself to.
„Thanks,“ I just say.
While Alex slips into Caden's room, I retreat back to my preferred chair, wrapping one hand around the cup.
I check my phone.
No new messages.
Delilah spent hours with me at the hospital every day for the last week. But today, she couldn't make it, so I have to keep checking my phone.
„Hey, honey.“
My head snaps up.
It's my mother, brown bag in hand.
„I made brownies,“ she says and I hate her.
I used to love her brownies as a child. I told her so often.
„I'm not hungry.“
She ignores me and takes the chair next to me. It creaks as she sits down. Her youthful cheerleader figure is long gone.
„You know, I was thinking,“ she starts and I don't want to hear it.
The brownies' smell pervades the paper bag, irritating my nostrils.
„When this is all over, maybe Caden should move in with me. Just for a while. I did some research and he'll have to undergo weekly treatments and check-ups after he got the transplant. And he'll also need a lot of rest.“
„Caden's staying with me,“ I say.
My mom gives me a very slight frown.
„Leah, you don't have as much time as I do. And you shouldn't have to take care of your brother like that. That's my job.“
I give her a scoring glance that makes her flinch.
„Oh, is it now?“
„Leah.“
„Funny how it was me who was always around cleaning up his shit when he was a kid. Not you.“
My mother's face hardens, yet it appears brittle at the same time.
It's disturbing. It's disturbing looking at her puffy, faded face.
„I can't change the past. How many more times do I have to tell you that?“
I get up.
„Until you finally realize that you can't change the future either.“
Without looking back, I leave the hospital in long strides.