I woke up with the worst hangover I had ever had. Even though I wasn’t over 21 my friend spiked my drink one time… and well I liked the taste. I also learned the hard way that drinking is something to be done in moderation. After that I have always sworn off other drugs, but I could never leave the drink. However, I also understand to always be in control of the situation when you drink.
But this is not some PSA, this is about me and my massive… hangover. Oh yes, I was also completely nude. I realized this when the 3 year old little girl started screaming. There is nothing more obnoxious when you’re hungover than a child’s scream. I don’t care if it is nails on a chalkboard, I don’t care if it’s metal screeching. Only a child’s scream can get that magical level of pain. You don’t even have to have a massive headache to do it either!
“Water” I croaked out. A kindly old man motioned for one of the fellows to give me some water and food. They also grabbed some robes as well as the little girl sobbed into a corner… Was she freaking peeking? Seriously you scream like that and then you blatantly peek? Yes, I see you little girl… Shouldn’t have caught her, now she is shrieking and crying again.
Chugging the water like I was at a frat party I have ‘never been’ too I choked down the food and water. With a gentle pat on the back from some of the followers, I continued to wolf it all down as fast as I could. After finishing I sighed in relief. I wasn’t perfect, but I was much better than whatever interdimensional whathaveyou that I was recovering from.
“So which one of you is the evil sorcerer of the demon king?” I asked offhandedly. This revelation brought gasps from all of the followers except the child still crying in the corner.
The kindly old man looked down on me and said “I am.”
“Could you just die for me? That’d be great.” I said. Only then did I realise I was saying this without my own intention. It felt like I had to. Which was even freakier than involuntary reactions. Because I couldn’t think of another possibility.
The old man screamed, “For The Demon King!” And killed himself on his own sacrificial dagger.
Everyone looked at the kindly old man that had just died for no apparent raisin. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. Then came the scream. It wasn’t me I realised, also, it brought my recollection of the events to a halt. That piercing scream brought me back to reality as well as every other follower of the old man. Then about half of them took out daggers and stabbed themselves in the gut while saying a half hearted ‘for the demon king’.
I decided to get out of there with the little girl in my arms while I had the chance. The other half of the followers followed me out of the crime scene, apparently not drinking the kool aid.
“Well, what the fuck?” I asked. This was a terrible start to my transmigration.
[Glad you asked, I am your cute whittle system, pwaise me!] Stated a robotic monotone feminine thing in my head. It was like a monotone version of a woman trying to act cute. I didn’t buy it.
“What the fuck?” I said. I know, I am the ultimate of alliteration and poise.
[Congratulations! You have just completed your first [Quest] and activated your hero [System] goldfinger! Aren’t you lucky you have me? You could have gotten so many other things, so bow down and thank yourself for being in my presence!] Stated the apparent ‘System’ in my head. I must have suffered brain damage on my interdimensional flight. I wonder if I can sue the company?
“So, what now? Are you guys going to sacrifice yourselves for the demon king too?” I asked.
“What? No! We aren’t with those nutjobs that worship the demon kings!” Said one of the followers. I’m just going to name them A.
“Well then point the way.” I said.
“Well, actually, we are with the hero resistance party...” A said.
“The what now?” I asked.
“The hero resistance party! We summoned you so we could have our own hero! This way you could go off and slay all of the other evil heroes and save us from their tyranny! It’s the only way any of us could keep our girlfriends! That’s what the old man said. When we summon a hero he has to do three things we want from them.” Said the now B-chan. Oh, B-chan was also a girl going by the voice and suspicious assets.
“Ok, so I’m just here to beat the demon king in a thumb war and go hom to relive the past 12 years of my life. Also, I’m not a genie.” I said.
“What? Carmine go get back the lamp! What a waste of a wish.” Said A as he spat on the ground. Ew! Seriously, don’t do that, disgusting.
“But we already used up all the wishes.” Stated the bubbly B-chan. She had other names, but now that I’ve adopted her, she will forever be B-chan.
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“What? That isn’t possible! We just used it to summon the hero!” Said A.
“But Micheal used it for food, that’s where all that food came from… and I don’t want to say what Jimmy used it for.” Said the now C-san.
“What the heck? What do you mean? And what did Jimmy use it for?!” Screamed A.
“Ah, yes, well… That was actually the reason why we couldn’t use it for 8 days. After Jimmy used it, no matter how much we rubbed it wouldn’t come out. Actually, it seemed that the rubbing was having the opposite effect, so we just waited until now...” Said C-san.
“Sorry to interject, however, what does this have to do with me? Can somebody point me in the direction of the demon king, or the sacred sword, or something?” I asked.
“I don’t know. We really didn’t plan that far ahead. We pretty much just planned on summoning the hero and sending him off to fight the other heroes. We need to get back to farming or our crops are going to die.” Said C-san.
“Fine, will somebody at least take this kid off my hands?” I said.
“Nope, yours now. See ya!” Said A. C-san waved an left. And B-chan gave a little giggle before she too waved and left with the rest of the followers.
“Where the hell are you going? And don’t I have to get to the village or whatnot too?” I said as I chased after them.
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It was now incredibly awkward for all of us as we trudged along. The villagers had already said goodbye but I still needed to get to the village and figure out things from there. So now we had the long awkward walk. Maybe even the long awkward walk of shame, though a different type of shame.
It was a long and grueling few hours of walking till we reached the village. It was at that point I realised that we were actually in a crater. So yes, I was now in the former kingdom of doesn’t matter that I was originally supposed to be summoned into. Or whatever is left of it anyway.
Ah, while I’m simply awkwardly trudging along I might as well tell you about why I’m not attempting to make stupid inane comments about how this can’t be real and so on. And it’s actually pretty simple. I’m not stupid.
So this is the part where the MC or since it’s my journal, not a diary, is supposed to say it’s a dream so it doesn’t matter, then go all murder hobo… Sorry, shouldn’t have said that as I had just murdered a rando sorcerer. Anyway, no do not go randomly murdering things in your dreams. Because you're probably high and that goblin is probably the little kid next door that the single mom asks you to watch while she goes out to work her nth job every so often. So why am I not in a dream? Well, it actually starts with interdimensional taxes. The interesting thing about dreams is that they can’t keep info organised. So if you write something in a dream it changes every single time. ‘You’ can keep that information but the dream doesn’t store it like it does trees and birds and things. It all has to do with senseless or useless info or some such.
Anyway, not a dream. Next, hallucination. Well, I didn’t take any drugs but that still doesn’t eliminate them. So here’s the thing about hallucinations, they aren’t logical. Sure, sure, they can have logical conclusions and things, but they aren’t specifically logical. They are one offs or other such things and don’t build around themselves. In other words, they have no story to them. To figure out if you're hallucinating you have to figure out the why and how of things. When did it come to be? What is causing it, or affecting it? What is it attached to? Ask around about the other things connected to it. This is why hallucinations don’t actually make good world building. Delusions though, well they are what they are. You are literally fighting with yourself, so it is self justification. Again think it out and get back to me.
Finally there is the abducted by aliens, I’m in a giant government experiment conjecture. Oddly enough this was both the easiest and the hardest, or at least time consuming. The reason was simple, because you had to look for inconsistencies. Funnily enough you started with the flat earthers. While in reality they were proven otherwise, repeatedly, if you were in a gov experiment or alen sim world it would probably be easiest to start here. And to prove this I started with a sundial. Simple enough measure the movement of heavenly bodies, no expensive gear required. Moving on computers don’t do well with the conversion between square and circle and back. So just find the nearest blade of grass and start twisting in as much as possible. Does it automatically convert to twine for no reason? So on and so forth. The giant crater was actually a big minus, or well, plus towards this theory but I disproved it quickly enough. So no nightmares about killing a goblin or putting turkeys in the oven! Speaking of, do they even have turkeys here? Things to figure out.
Oh, and also, these are probably not ‘my’ humans either. I don’t even know what kind of physiology is needed to survive here, and ‘my’ humans can’t use magic. So whatever organs are needed are probably much more developed than ‘mine’ were. That is if I’m still ‘my’ human in the first place. So I have dubbed thee homomagus. Not to be confused with homo magus because gay jokes are just a low bar.
So yeah, just me and my new buds, walking along. Oh, and my system has a lot to say.
[Hay, stop ignoring me!]
[Are we there yet?]
[Are we there yet?]
[Are we there yet?]
Nothing actually useful, but a lot to say. It’s honestly like taking a trip with a five year old. I hate doing that, uhh. I hope it ages fast, or I can set it to other personalities like an old gps. British female secretary please? Naughty librarian?
No luck. Oh yes, I did try the ever present [Status] [ESC] and [F10] in my head and out loud. Nope, all I got was giggles from my system. How a monotone effeminate five year old voice could giggle was beyond me, but I was looking to ditch this thing asap.
When we finally came upon the village it was, well exactly as you expected. A desolate poor attempt at a farming village in the middle of nowhere. I’m thinking it’s the capital of this nation, just a hunch.
“So uh, I’m getting a bit hungry. What’s for lunch, or at this point linner?” I asked. They stared at me like I was an enemy.
“Oh come on, you can’t just summon a guy and expect him to go off and do your bidding with no food or anything right? I mean I’m not a t-800.” I said.
Begrudgingly they grunted and left. So there I am awkwardly standing there for a few more moments until some old dude pops up with a hoe. I pick it up and…
[Congratulations! You have received your first piece of equipment, a hoe! Unlike the kind you may purchase from a brothel this one has no holes. But you can always put it up...]
Yeah, I just went back to ignoring my useless system and waited for the good explanation.
“You want food work for it.” Said the man. I shrugged and went with it. I wasn’t about to run out there into that desolate landscape and start fighting monsters. Was there even a low level area in the apocalypse?
So I started working the fields while everyone else started slacking off. What the hell? I’m supposed to work for it, but you all just sit on your asses? Don’t tell me I have to wait till my crops grow before I can eat them?
I keep at it anyway in hopes that I’ll get dinner at least. We will see how this plays out. I’ve survived on less for training exercises so this is really nothing. When I finish I have several neat rows lined up. The sun has already set and the sky is growing dark.
I go over to the communal dinner like I belong and just wipe it all off. My unhelpful system congratulates me on a job well done.
[Congratulations! You have unlocked a new title: Town Bit...]
Again I ignore this unhelpful system. I mean what is it’s point anyway? Running commentary on my hell? Then the obligatory four buff dudes strut up. And it can’t be anything but a strut. I’ve been through highschool, I know the 'I’m gonna bully you strut' when I see it.
“Well, well, well, what do we have here? Fresh meat it is!” Obligatory laugh track from his cronies. “You don’t know you're supposed to pay the toll?” Said the dimwit. Really? Does this look like a bridge? Does he even know what a bridge is?