I appeared in what looked like one of my university lecture halls with a smart board that said:
Do your best!
On the desk in front of me was a paper booklet that reminded me of GCSEs and while I hadn’t done an in person exam for years I opened the booklet and got started. It started off easy enough with English literature and language questions, though hopefully there wasn’t any penalisation for spelling.
“Do I get an extra twenty five percent extra time for my dyslexia?” I wondered aloud, as I may as well try, nothing happened so I assumed that was a no and continued through the questions. As I completed the questions they disappeared, they were mostly short answer questions but there were some essay-based ones.
After the English section was maths which went from simply adding numbers together to matrices and maximisation questions. It got obscure as well, with a question on tree (3), which I knew because of watching way too much random stuff on the internet. Next was world history, which was fun, as I got to use the info, I learned from Partially Sarcastic Studios and Horrible Histories.
It was amazing how much useless information I knew and was able to use. It was fun though as it went on, I got more and more tired. It went from history, to economics, to politics, to the sciences, to what I considered fantasy science like alchemy and astrology of which I had the temptation to add Strange Al song lyrics to, from that it went to religion and psychology.
After what felt like forever a prompt appeared and jump scared me as I was in the middle of a question.
Time is up! Select ‘Proceed’ to begin the next test.
With the booklet now gone and the test finished, I felt the effects of the test I was ignoring. My hand was cramping, my brain was exhausted, and I realised I was sitting in a weird way that could not be good for my back. I don’t know whether or not I was given my extra time but the idea that I had, and this test worked like a regular test to be funny.
Thinking back, it certainly was a weird collection of questions, which definitely made me feel quizzical, or whatever the test equivalent of quizzical was. I assume it was measuring my intelligence or just my general knowledge, but the time limit threw me as if you wanted to know what I know wouldn’t you make it, so I only had to think and give me all the time I needed? Then again, it probably helped procrastination, or maybe it was seeing how I could do under pressure?
I shrugged, whatever the reason it doesn’t change the outcome. I clicked Proceed.
As before, the scene changed, this time there was a crowd in front of me and I was smack dab in the middle of the stage. I assumed this was my Chrisma check. Luckily, I had experience speaking in front of a crowd and improv so it shouldn’t be too bad.
Explain the benefits of NFTs.
It was too bad. Somehow the trials had worked out my disdain for that answer looking for a problem. Then my grimace turned into a sly smile as I worked out a loophole. And on cue the prompt changed.
Explain the benefits of Non-Fungible Tokens.
Really? Of course, it wasn’t going to let me off that easily. I rolled my eyes and started.
“Welcome everyone, I’m sure you’re invested in what I’m about to talk about, and those who are in the know are clearly scarce. So, let’s skip the monkey business and talk a bit about NFTs and the blockchain, “I started, entertaining myself with how many puns I could stick in, before continuing through slightly gritted teeth, “And how it’s great for making money and is the peak of capitalism! As technology ever evolves, I’m sure we’ll see vast improvements in our endless growth…”
I spoke like a true politician, lying through my teeth sometimes with the truth. Though as I snuck more and more puns into my speech, I felt as if I was being watched. Obviously, I had the crowd, but they clearly only existed for this section of the trial and likely weren’t even real. No this was different as I felt amusement disconnected from the simulated room I was in.
Other than that odd feeling, I felt like this part was going well, I only stumbled slightly but as I didn’t have any actual notes, I didn’t need to check them and just went on tangents when I run out of things to say. It had been honestly easier than some of my standup routines though it certainly went on a while, I was getting tired of my own voice when the section lapsed. The stage and crowd dissolved, dropping me back into a familiar hall.
Unlike the first trial, however, this time the path was forked, and I had a lever next to me. Each prong of the fork had different people, the first had my family including my cat, the second had my university friends and last had my home friends.
Ah, testing ethics with the trolly problem. Though it mostly just felt mean.
Save one.
Well, there’s an obvious answer. I ran at the boulder, repeating the end of the first trail. Unlike that trail, the scene stayed the same with the hall and levers.
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Save one.
“How was that not a valid answer!?” I yelled to no one. “Unless, it is an answer, but I need to show that I am not taking the easy way out?”
To test that theory, I ran at the bolder again. And again. And again.
And again.
And again.
After ten bear hugs from the bolder, I was beginning to think it just wasn’t an option. I tried one more time for luck though.
Hall. Lever. Bolder.
Save one.
I sighed. I mean it’s just a simulation. I closed my eyes and randomly justled the lever to a random answer. I could have done maths to figure out the best answer, what led to the most beneficial outcome or least bad outcome in this case, but why not just leave it to chance?
I ignored the outcome. Continuing with the rest of the trials but with a slightly more, sour taste in my mouth.
***
The next trial dropped me in a familiar computer lab, that I recognised to be the one my university used, in order to test how people reacted to different economic scenarios. I was sat at booth eighteen with a booklet of instructions and a computer to put my responses in.
The tests were similar to real experiments I’d done in real life, with the chance to win real silver and occasionally gold in the game. I also had the chance to lose it as well. This trial seemed to be testing either my financial skills or just working out my risk aversion.
Overall, it tested my responses to the dictator game and variations on that, simulated stock market games, common resource games and just general money management. At the end I gained one gold and fifty silver over what felt like sixty different games. It was tiring but it did mean that I had something to work off when I started the real game.
What came next was interesting in how they were testing me, as clearly it wanted to find out my fighting abilities, but the methods were unusual to say the least.
I had been put into an area and each round I had to fight different opponents as it got more and more difficult. The first set of rounds tested my weapon less combat.
That might sound relatively typical, but I think whoever made this part of the trial had been on the internet too long.
Highlights included, how many toddlers count I beat at once, could I beat fifty duck sized horses or five horse sized ducks, could I defeat myself, could I defeat animals starting with a salmon to a bear and could I defeat a car.
Hopefully I got points for methods and how long I survived as a couple of those fights were embarrassing. Salmon are tougher than you think.
Then the trial repeated with a new method of combat, ranging from bows, staffs and hammers. It honestly was fun messing about with different weapons, though I probably had too much friendly fire, as using the weapons in actual combat was far more difficult than the media I consumed would tell you.
What felt like days of combat trials finally ended with my body breaking, bleeding and bruising and being fixed over and over and over again. The terms and conditions really did not lie about reducing the mental strain as I certainly should have felt way worse than I did currently.
But then it was onto the next trial.
***
It had been days from my perspective since starting the trials. More tests had followed the combat, including swim tests, climbing tests, an obstacle test, one which was essentially a where is Wally book, more knowledge tests and ones testing my sense of family.
I had never been so hyper aware of myself and had to come to terms with where I was worse than I thought, and, surprisingly, where I actually was better than I expected.
Finally, as the last test conducted, a notification appeared in front of me.
Ding ding ding! Well, done, first of twenty! Congratulations! While you certainly weren’t the first you’re one of the first, and isn’t that better? Well, it isn’t, but it’s still pretty neat! You are one of the few who not only took the trials but also completed them! Plus, you spared more than a cursory glance at the terms and conditions which really shouldn’t be impressive, but the bar is so low it is. You did slightly less than what should be the bare minimum, go you! +1 to intelligence, if you know what I mean. Thanks to your forthought you gained a title!
Based on the results of your trials, new starting classes have been unlocked! Your basic stats will be adjusted based on the results of each test after you choose a class!
Title unlocked: Try me with Trials! This title will increase how favourably others view your work ethic! Effect: Charisma is 10% more effective when interacting with non-player characters.
Title unlocked: Reading Comprehension. This title gives you a 10% increase in understanding when something is written down, and a 15% increase when you find the content dull.
Please note that all title effects are active at the same time, but the title you have equipped will be the only one, others can see without analysis abilities. The maximum number of titles you can have at any given time is ten.
Finally, after all that work, it’s paying off. Two titles already, though the AI did feel passive aggressive. A win is still a win.
I really hope that my stats don’t block me out of anything cool and that I can get a magic class. Please say it doesn’t penalise me too much, for my bad dexterity, that probably only means I can’t be a rogue or thief type, but that wasn’t what I was aiming for anyway, so hopefully I’m fine.
I was excited to see the options I unlocked when I was transported into another room. This time though it was different, almost like a pause screen that wasn’t supposed to be here.
The feeling of being watched was back, I had almost forgotten about it as to me it had happened ages ago. I couldn’t see anything in the room but there was a presence as I looked around. Then as soon as I stopped looking around, there was a blue axolotl staring at me three inches from my face.
“Ah was waiting to see when you would spotter me.” Said a gruff, Scottish sounding voice, that really did not suit the cute animal.