Orders? What is this a drive thru for McDonalds? Why are they asking for orders from me?

I looked down to see my glorious body ruined by being covered in a heavy thick armor such as the knights except… bigger.

Like my chest plate stuck out so far that it was like I had boobs. Wait a minute…

I brought a hand up to grope my chest but my stupid ass couldn’t grope shit above this steel armor.

A red cloak laid on top of me below my neck with a golden insignia of a crown and a sword going straight through it.

I never heard of this brand before. Is it Under Armour?

I did a little twirl in place because I saw something swish beside my padded silver boots. The cloak made for one long ass cape with golden accents along the edges.

“General Grim, sir! We really need your orders on how to proceed.” The knight from earlier said once more.

I turned to look at the knight with the muffled voice.

“Orders?! Uh, yes, yes. Sorry, but I had an aching headache that felt like I had a hangover. Um, what did you need me for again?”

At this point, the knight stood up with the clanking of armor and swaggered over to me like he was some Abercrombie model.

“S-stand down! I took martial arts as a child and still practice every morning by punching a couple of people in the face!” I said, entering a mantis stance.

What I didn’t prepare for though was the limited amount of flexibility this piece of metal allowed me. And just how fucking heavy is this thing?! I could probably fall on top of that knight right now and crush him to death.

To my surprise, the knight assumed the kneeling down stance upon my words and dropped his head.

Hmph, my skill set must have been noticed by him. Good on him for being observant. You get a gold star in my head which brings your total to… negative nine. You lost ten for making piss in this suit like I was tin man from Wizard of Oz.

I straightened my back and dropped my hands back at my side, breathing a sigh of relief.

Still though, nothing of what I said was a lie. If I needed to, I could’ve smacked this probably very hard piece of helmet onto the ground.

I did indeed take martial arts as a child and made it to a high rank above my peers… yellow, then I quit due to excessive crying for hurting my wrist. I had no peers but if I did, I would have been the most badass third grader in my class.

As for punching people in the face, that may have been an exaggeration. It was technically my Mii on the Wii who did the punching. I may have punched a wall or two however. My fist went right through that motherfucking piece of plaster they call a wall. Serves you right, Old man Larry.

“Forgive me, sir! I didn't mean to aggravate. I was only worried for you.”

Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.

Wow, even in this world people are worrying about my mental state. Yes, yes, ask me all you want. But when I let my dog loose on you, you better not blame me for assault! It was the mental state you all worry for!

I brought a hand to my mouth and coughed. Thank whatever god here that I didn’t have a helmet or otherwise I might sunken straight into the ground.

“I forgive you, I guess. But please, do not get too close to me or I might actually die of a heart attack.”

The other knights behind him looked to each other confused by tilting their heads. They looked back and forth from each other like school girls at a lunch table ignoring that one nerdy kid.

When they caught my piercing glare that could’ve burnt a hole through them, they looked back down. I coughed again then turned my attention back down at the knight below me.

“You down there, stand up.”

The knight listened and stood up at haste. Looking at me dead in the eyes… I think. I can’t tell behind that helmet.

“Yes, sir!”

“Please explain to me the um… what is going on?”

“Would you like the current status report, General?”

“Yes! Yes! Give me that!” I exclaimed.

Good shit knight one. You just went up by another star.

“The Hawk knights are currently engaged with the Iron Boar knights. Both our sides have suffered losses an-”

“Stop right there!” I interrupted, bringing a hand between our faces. “Which one are we?”

“Which? What do you mean? General Grim, sir!”

“I mean, are we the hawks or are the boars? Unless there are actually some hawks out their wielding swords while slashing at some pigs.”

The knight didn’t say anything for a good minute. Quite frankly, I could feel beads of sweat running down my forehead and neck. If this awkward silence took any longer, I might have to kill him myself just so there’s some gasps of noise. Wait, do I have a sword?

I glanced down at my waist to see a red, golden hilt of a sword sheathed in a maroon scabbard.

Upon my movements, it was like the knight woke up. He clicked his feet and shook his head.

“We are the Hawk Knights, sir! The Boar Knights are trying to invade our borders and we were sent to stop their advances, sir!”

Oh wait, Hawk insignia, duh. Silly me, haha.

“Oh, um, very good then! Continue doing what you are doing!”

“Is… that your order, sir?” he questioned with much confusion in his voice.

Honestly, these questions were starting to annoy me. What are we playing, Jeopardy? Wheel of fortune? The price is right? The amount of questions is severely worsening this bloody headache.

“Ye- No! On second thought, I wish to be taken to the battlefield.”

The other knights shot up. What? Is it wrong to see a battle close up. I was always a fan of movies like Troy and the Battle of the five armies.

“But, sir! General Grim, is that really a good idea for you to go out there yourself? The other side has nearly two hundred and fifty knights that almost match our own force of three hundred. General, I strongly advise you to stay here.”

Wait, there’s that many people out there? And more under my command? What bloody fool placed me in charge?! Is it God?! What kind of dumb as fuck unrealistic dream is this?

I cleared my throat to make way for my broad voice.

“Ahem, I’m sure it will be fine. Now then, take me there!”

The knights drew the swords from their waist and scared the shit out of me. First it was piss and now it’s shit! I hope they are fucking happy. The first thing this sword will be cutting is your heads!

“Very well, General Grim.” knight one said, brushing past me and halting right behind me.

Another knight stood next to her while two were placed to my sides and one at the point.

They really make this all dramatic huh? Am I the president? And what exactly are we riding because this tent is hot and I’m melting like a popsicle that someone forgot to put back into the freezer. I’m looking at you sis. They better have some A/C in their car.