There was once place High up in the sky, far above the clouds, where a colossal mountain stood so immensely tall that just the shadow of its gigantic peaks could cover half the world.  The mountain was known as Mt. Dickidous, a ten thousand foot Edifice of black soot and stone that lived and breathed ash, fragments of volcanic eruptions from centuries before. And It was here, perched on this… Big black erection of disproportionate size… This treacherous summit where fire and brimstone constantly… ejaculated…. That there was…

A city! And not a beautiful or friendly city where you would spend your vacations taking selfies in front of famous landmarks! No! It was a city of pure Evil! A city so sinister that the few sun's rays that managed to reach it, scattered in fear across its Horizons, staining its ash and soot filled skies permanently with a ruthless and ravenous red taint.This city was named Betelgeuse and aptly named for only sickest of the sick, and the worst of the worst, and… those who enjoyed eating beetles.... Dared to live within its borders! and it was in this terribly frightening town…..

That yet another mountain stood incalculably tall! Stemming out from the cities center, this behemoth of a mountain  penetrated the manosphere… I mean....  stratosphere! With the greatest of  ease! It had  heaps of rock that were as red as the fire of hell itself! And a man who lived at the top  who was so vile and ruthless.... and yet handsomely stylish.... that he rivaled the devil himself! And it was within THESE Demonic embers… within THESE erroneous ires….that SURELY lay….

A.... giant skeleton head! The emptied eyeholes of the fossilized skull, towered over all of humanity, laying its malign judgment upon all who gazed upon it! However! Perched on its head, was what appeared to be a bump from a skateboarding incident in its previous life from a distance but from up close… Was actually… Surely this time Perched upon its giant forehead was...

“ ANOTHER  DAMNED MOUNTAIN!!!! YOU”VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!”

“ I mean…."

"..."

"Ehehem”

I meant that  it was on THIS MOUNTAIN! At this HIGHEST OF HEIGHTS! And at this PEAKIEST OF PEAKS! of THIS third great mountain. that there FINNALY appeared to be…

A castle! Black as the midnight skies, fortified as legion of a million men! And towers as pointy as a narrator's nipples who at 2am was Narrating in the freezing cold outside of his masters castle! NOW! IT was in that castle that there was a TOWER! And it was  at the TOP of that tower!

"Dressed in all black!"

"Striding through the corridors late at night!."

"Was the one and only! "

"The treacherous!"

"The Heinous!"

"The FOUL!"

Night….. Janitor? Who was diligently cleaning the floors and halls for the king?

“…. Wait… did I get that right? No.….maybe I narrated too far… Maybe it’s was not the first tower…Oh and in the second tower… I see a naked woman…… “

“PERVERT!” A woman cried from a tower window.

“That was one of the masters women… He’s going to kill me for that…And in the third tower… is that a child eatng ice cream at this hour of the night? And look at that he's flipping me off! Where are his parents?”.

“But at any rate yes I remember now!”

"it's all becoming quite clear!"

It was actually  within the fourth tower! Which wasn't as tall as the first! Or as sexy and well bullt as the second…. But was certainly as dark and as  evil as the ice cream eating third! And required at least twice the maintenance and upkeep of all of them combined! It was in this Fourth tower that did not have a janitor, brazen child  or naked woman! It was here that there was a throne! And the only thing that could possibly be on that throne was a…………………… 

………….

………………………..

A………………………….

“A note?”

“The note read”

“BRB, sorry narrator have to handle some evil and treacherous plans,

Hate you,

Lord Sirius”

“Are you kidding me! I stayed up all night for no reason??? It’s 2am! Where the hell could  Lord Sirius possibly be at this hour!!!!!!!

In a great hall, far from where I had narrated before, A man with hair as red as a volcano on one side, and hair as white as snow on the other, grumbled in his throne chair  His name was Lord Sirius, the most evil and treacherous villain on the planet, and, in the middle of the night he had summoned his villanary counsel concerning a most pressing issue.

“What do you mean you want me to kill all of the farmers!” a man in a long trench coat pleaded.  He was on his hands and knees begging a king on a throne. As he pinched his eyes shut begging for mercy his long nose waggled to and fro as he tugged on his masters cloak.

“Every single last one!” Lord Sirius said. “No excuses!” The fire in his red eyes burned like solar flares diminishing the souls of those who surrounded him.

“Please your excellency!” The man pleaded. “I understand your frustration… but killing every farmer in every last corner of the realm is a bit extreme.”

“Extreme! Allow me to show you Extreme!” Lord Sirius grumbled

“Madeline!” Lord Sirius said snapping his fingers.  In an instant a maid as fair as white wine with curves as smoothe as a perfectly ripe pear, appeared by his side.

“Bring me the specimen in question.”

Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

“Yes Master” Madeline said.

Teleporting in the blink of an eye she returned to her Masters throne with a bowl in her hands. Dropping to one knee she knelt to the ground and raised the bowl above her head as if it was a symbolic offering.

“Thank you” Sirius said, swiping the bowl from her hands with a vile and agitated groan.

“Look into this bowl and tell me what you see” Sirius commanded, lowering the cup.

As the man looked standing on his toes to examine the bowl, he saw nothing more than a bowl of milk and an ice cube in it.

“Well speak up! What is it that you see here!” Sirius said.

“Oh no…” The man said.

“Oh yes! Now tell me what is in this bowl which my servant obtained under your supervision!” Sirius screamed.

“IT appears to be…. " The man said regrettably as he fumbled his fingers together nervously. "An attempt at a bowl of ice cream…” The man said.

“You call this shit an attempt!” Sirius screamed.

He thrusted the bowl at the man’s face soaking his clothes with milk.

“A failed attempt is what that is! Now I am ordering you! Either kill every farmer in the land! Or.. Fetch me some real Ice cream!”

“Our ice cream maker is broken your excellency if I could just get more time-”

“Every ice cream maker in the entire realm is down? For what maintenance?”

“Yes.... sir….”

“And what kind of maintenance requires the machine to be down indefinitely?” Sirius yelled.

“It’s Mcdiggins policy that no ice cream machine may be in use without proper-”

“Nonesense!” Sirius yelled rising to his feet. “I’m tired of this bullshit!”

He strode across the room striding back and forth as he shouted at his minister

“Mcdiggins! I have thrice asked for a frozen desert and every time there is a new excuse!” Lord Sirius boomed

“The machine is broken”

“The machine needs cleaning”

“We are out of.Milk…. Out of ice.. Out of cows! Well guess what? Now I’m out of patients! I’m sick and tired of this shit! It’s time to put an end to this once and for all. As my head of agriculture you are a complete failure. And because of your incompetence! Every man who owns a cow must die!”

“But the farmers just make the milk, it is the machines that are down my lord.” Mcdiggins pleaded

“Do you think I’m a fool Mcdiggins! Ofcoarse I know that but where does Ice cream come from!” Sirius said.

“A process that involves churning milk?”

“Precisely!” Sirius said. “And where does milk come from?”

“Cows?”

“Precisely!”

“I am confused sir… if you get rid of the farmers with all the cows how will you get the milk for your ice cream?”

“I won’t! But no one else will either!”

“You can’t!”

“That’s right! If I can’t have ice cream! No one can! I will kill every last cow and remove ice cream from existence! And then this world shall know my pain! In fact I will host Sunday event to commemorate and when everyone shoes up there will be no ice cream! And I'll What were you all expecting? I said Sunday not ice cream Sunday! Muhahahah!"

 MUhahhaha Muhahahah!”

As the king laughed a child poked his head out of the corner of the room. He was near the entrance of two large doors that were the entry of the throne room. Sticking his head through the crack, he was carefully licking a lushes vanilla ice cream cone with sprinkles across the top. He licked and then looked both ways with each bite careful that he remained unseen.

“Now go and bring me the head of every man who dared to defy my royal decree to create ice cream!” Siruis ordered Mcdiggins.

“That’s far enough Lord Sirius!” A proud voice proclaimed from the end of the hall

A big and burly knight with stunning blond hair strode into the hall, blocking the path between Sirius and his minister. As his blue eyes shown from the brightness of the candle lit throne room, he aimed his long knight sword in the direction of the king.

“You're just a selfish man who only cares for himself!” The knight yelled

“Hmmm and you are?” Sirius said scratching his chin

“My name is Author the knight of truth! A hero from the-”

“Yes yes Madeline I agree in the meantime we should switch to cookies and milk that should suffice the ice cream drought.” Sirius said, speaking to his maid, completely ignoring the hero in front of him.

“Hey I’m talking to-”

“Saayy ahhh, Lord Siruis!” Madeline chimed as she lifted a cookie into his mouth.

“That’s it!" The knight said as he began thrusting his blade. "I came all the way from the world of heroes to defeat you! I will become the worlds greatest heroe! My story starts here! I will save this world!”

The hero lurched forward with all his might pouncing towards Sirius with a strong forward swing.

From the corner of his eye, Sirius watched the hero with a yawn, and patted his mouth with a napkin.

“Very well! If you want to help the world so much then fine! Cry me a river!” Sirius said as his nostrils flared with indignation.

With a swish and a flick, Siruis encased the knight with black energy that wrapped around him like a cocoon, and in the very next instant. POOF the man had turned into a box of tissues.

“Now you are a box of tissues!! Be a shoulder to cry on for the pathetic world you long to protect!” Siruis laughed.

“BOOHOOO!” Came a cry from outside the throne room. In the next moment a women barged through the doors burying her head in her hands.

As she came through the door she knocked over the child, nearly causing him to drop his ice cream cone, but he carefully caught himself regaining his composure

“What’s wrong my dearest?” Sirius said

“It’s terrible!”

“Dry your eyes my dearest here's a tissue” Sirius said handing over the box.

“AAAHHHHH” The box cried as she blew into it

“What was that?” The mistress said as she curiously inspected the tissue box.

“This tissue truly feels your pain..." Sirius said wrapping his hands around it.  "It is crying out your agony!”

“You Basta-” The tissue box cried before Sirius slammed it shut.

“Tell me what happened Cecilia?” Siruis said as she on his lap.

“Some pervert was gazing at me through a window! And for some reason he was voicing out everything I do!” Cecelia cried

“Ah the narrator,” Sirius said shaking his head. “He seems to be unreliable today, I told him to meet me here at 2pm and haven’t seen him all day.”

“Well he did get that portion about the child correct.” Cecilia said smiling.

“Child? What child?” Sirius said.

“The one outside the door” Cecilia said pointing to the door.

Sirius's eyes darted in the direction of the door, and with his supremely astute and precise ocular prowess, he easily spotted the head of a child poking its head just out of the doorframe.

"HMPH!"

Using his amazing powers of extraordinary darkness, Lord Sirius made a gesture with his hands and at once both doors blew open revealing the child with an ice cream cone. 

“Oh no!” The child cried fumbling the ice cream cone between his fingers. The force from the doors was so strong it had knocked him of balance, drastically pushing the ice cream cone from his possession. He swang and swung his hands around desperately in an attempt to catch it and for a moment it seemed like the cone was back within safe reach.

“YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 THe child heard from a distance from Lord Sirius, and in the very instant he froze as the ice cream cone fell to the floor splattering itself across the ground.

“Explain yourself Mcdiggins! How did he manage to get that ice cream! How could he a mere child get what I a king could not!”

“Welll..” Mcdiggins said shrugging his shoulders.

“Well what!” Lord Sirius’s mistress said. “We are all waiting!”

Mcdiggins anxiously peered across the room as counts and various servants all stared at him heinously with envy. Even the box of tissues that had previously been a knight stood up with its arms folded in angst. He had forgotten for a moment just how popular ice cream from Mcdiggins was and just how long the machine had been down. It was only a matter of time until they figured out about Sir Wendol…and his new type of ice cream the frosty that the child had been eating earlier.

"Did you hear that?" Cecilia said to Sirius.

“I sure did!" Sirius replied. "Sir Wendol? Frosty’s, what is the meaning of this!!” Lord Sirius screamed.

“Curse you Narrator!” Mcdiggins screamed  "Your over narrating and poor use of italics has once again led to my ruin!"

"Yay! He was reliable this time!" Cecilia said smiling.

The narrator tried his best not to blush after delivering what seemed to be an accurate rendition of Mcdiggins mind, and although he was sure the note Lord Sirus had given him had said "meet at 2am" and not "2pm" he continued narrating the story in the freezing cold.

“OFF WITH HIS HEAD!” Lord Sirius cried in ire, slamming the sides of his throne with his fists. “And bring me the boy! How dare he enjoy a desert without offering me a bite! Screw Mcdiggins I am not loving it! Madeline call Sir Wendol Immediately! Provide everyone including the tissue box knight who dared to oppose me one of these so called frosty's! Everyone is a victim of this Mcdiggins catastrophe!”

Sirius paused as one of his guards, a man with a Mcdiggins hat casually ate his burger with fries in the middle of all the madness.

“Look.. I can explai-”

“You fool!” Sirius said, striking him with a bolt of lightning. “There’s more where that came from!” Sirius screamed. And then the child screamed, and then his men screamed and then they all screamed… for ice cream.

“I've gotta get out of here!” The child screamed darting out of the hall.

“Bring me the boy! And where did Mcdiggins go?” Sirius asked. 

Deep in the corner of the night Mcdiggins, who had somehow escaped an entire hall of warriors and counts armed and all surrounded on his position, rubbed his hands together laughing at his evil skeem.

“Yes yes” He said “Now the fall of Lord Sirius begins.”