"For the record, I have a long-standing policy of neither confirming nor denying the validity of any purported sex-tapes.

"Less formally... really? I mean, what was the point? I'm a broke nobody.

If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

"Aaah... I'm just going to try focusing on the upsides of spending a year away from what passes for modern social media. Peace out."