“Let him in…” came the imperious voice of a bored girl from behind a folding screen.

‘This is no master-spy gig! This is nothing like Rouge Roge against the Minister of Darkness! How does anything they said translates to this! I am the last person anyone should hired for this crap! What was that paranoid ass captain thinking, giving ME that letter of all people!?’

The page waiting with me in the vestibule rudely elbowed me into the room when I spent a minute too long gathering myself.

I thought that my day at the castle was finish after my little talk with Madam Bishard, so imagine my surprise when I discovered Sergrave wasn’t taking me to the exit.

Turns out that Bishard was to be my boss, not my actual employer, this last person being whom Sergrave was trying to make my acquaintance. I discovered all this and the precise nature of my new job the moment the normally taciturn servant loudly announced thus from the other side of the canvas:

“My lady Aprabat, your new chaperon is here.”

“Let him in…”

“G-good evening my lady!” I did my best to sound chipper as I transformed my stumble into the most gracious curtsy I could master.

I practically felt the room temperature drop.

“You!” Lady Richia sneered ferociously, “What are you doing here?!”

“Well, funny thing you ask! It appears your good butler Sergrave has wrought me here after mistaking me for someone else! The poor thing must be so overworked these days! No wonder he is so dreary all the time! Now, it has been everything but pleasant catching up with you, but we must be on our way to our actual appointment, isn’t that right Master Sergrave…? Sergrave…?”

But only the sound of a closing door answered.

“You think you can make a fool out of me and then simply stroll into my chambers?! You have some nerve coming here…!” her livid eyes lit with something ugly as they realm the empty room,” ...where there is no one to hear you scream!”

A furious Chin-face stood from where she was having tea near the window and charged me, a creamy dessert fork in hand. She closed in way faster than a petit girl in a gown should, her hand blurring to stab my guts. Caught by surprise, I had to suck in my belly and awkwardly twist my hips to dodge her. I must have gone through all shades of pale when the tiny fork sunk its teeth all the way into the folding screen’s wood.

“H-hold up!” I said, walking away with hands raced, “I get it! W-we didn’t start with the right foot, b-but isn’t this a bit much!? B-besides, a lot of people saw me coming to your room, what would they think if I died here…?!”

“Silence, scum!” she screamed, yanking her fork off the wood and throwing it at me. I had to duck my head under the zooming cutlery. “Those yapping fools can think I murder my own mother for all I care! It won’t mean a thing! None of them can stand in my way!”

At those words she claimed a poker from the fire place and charged at me once more. I dodge a stab and a wild swing before catching her next attack on a sky-glass. Taking advantage of her momentary confusion I grabbed the end of her poker.

“Ha hah…! Ugh!” I cheered, then doubled over in pain as she mercilessly kicked my poor nuts.

“You think you can get away with anything because you are oh so talented!” she snarled, somehow working up even more rage than before, “Well, think again!”

I had to rolled under the table to avoid getting impaled.

“That’s rich… coming from someone so entitled… that can get away with murder…” I whizzed between huffs, “Then again, subtlety tends to get lost on large heads.”

She roared, throwing the table to one side and trying to skewer me in one go. Fortunately, I managed to pull on a chair so that it fell over, shielding my head. The cushioned back exploded in a cloud of goose feathers, but it screwed her aim enough for the poker to harpoon the floor a few fingers away from my face. From that awkward position, I jerk the chair to my side, disarming Chin-face and making an opening to roll away in the process.

I stood to my feet covered in cream, tea and smashed strawberry cake, and deflected a flying butter knife with a silver platter.

“Why are you so good at this!?”

“Why aren’t you dead already!?”

She had recovered the poker and was charging at me once more. I parried her swing with the tray’s back and the overhead follow up with a sky-glass, all the while edging towards the window.

“I am an adrenaline junkie with a penchant for angering dangerous people! What’s your excuse?!”

I flung the lower part of the thick curtains to her face, catching her latest thrust and blinding her for a moment. By the time she managed to rustle out of the cloth, I was nowhere to be seen.

“I mean, aren’t you nobles supposed to be the off-handsy type?” I quipped.

With no hesitation, her poker crashed open the door of the wardrobe from whence my voice came.

“What gives? Can’t you just hire an assassin to do your dirty work? Why trying to kill me yourself?”

Chin-face roared in fury, as she left the empty wardrobe to savagely pound on a closed trunk with her metal stick.

“And why are you so dam capable at it!? Are you some sort of psycho that spends her time preparing to beat the crap out of people, just because? You are filthy rich! Can’t you afford a less murdery hobby, like playing the fiddle or adopting a pet chicken?”

She charged down the folding-screen with a furious shout, but there was no one there either.

“Come out and fight me, you slithery coward!”

“See, that I won’t do. Because, unlike you Chin-face…”

She jerked around, only to see the trashed empty room.

“I am not a violent person.” I whispered in her ear.

“Where are you!?” She roared, wildly swinging the poker around.

“That, would be quite enough dear. For good or ill, this young man has bested you. Take it with grace.” Echoed a new voice, surprising the both of us.

It was hard to make out the details on the mirrored back of the silver spatula I was using to spy on the room, but the very air appeared to ripple as the horizon sometimes did on the height of summer. As if a curtain of glassy beads had been lifted, three men appeared Infront of the door, two of which I instantly recognized.

“You were right Agustus. Graham’s youngest is quite capable, even without a spirit of his own.”

To his right, the treacherous ass captain inclined his head in acknowledgment.

“Grandfather!” Richia gasped, “How long have you been there…!?”

“Manners, my girl.” The older man chided, “I might have come unannounced, but I am still your count. Protocol first, questions later.”

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“O-of course my lord…” she stuttered into a curtsy, “Richia of house Aprabat greets her grandfather, his most gracious lordship the count of Aprabat.”

“The count greets her ladyship.” The older man intoned ritually, then lifted a pensive eyebrow, “Not bad, but ‘his most gracious lordship’ is a bit too servile. Try simply ‘gracious lordship’ without the most if you want to employ that greeting. Not the next time though; will be practicing Jaganete etiquette for the rest of this week.”

“Y-yes of course… Wait, no! Why were you hiding in my chambers!? H-how long have you been here!?”

“Since the beginning of course! Have to say, even with invisibility it was quite hard to have all three of us concealed, what with you lively youngsters bouncing everywhere!” the count chuckled wistfully.

“B-but why would you do that?!”

“Many reasons really… But you may think of this little prank of mine as a test of sorts… On that note, I must say I am quite disappointed in you, dear. You should have realized something was wrong the moment all your attendants left you alone with a man.”

“A test!” she gaped at the older man, “Grandfather, how could you do something like that to me! Do not tell me that disrespectful tasteless vagrant was in it as well! Did you put him up to humiliate me at the entry exams too…!? Uhg! The sheer temerity! I do not care if he works for you! Make him visible so that I might pound his head open!”

“Restring yourself, girl. No matter how livid you are, you must never made demands of someone from a higher station like that.” the count chided, “Besides, I am not hiding young Grahamson, nor have I put him up to the task of annoying you. What’s more, I am quite sure the poor kid is as confused as you are right now.”

“B-but, if he isn’t invisible, then where…?” Chin-face started, but her grandfather foretold her with an open hand.

“Sergrave, please go and fetch our newest servant.”

In absolute subservience the taciturn man left the count side, walked across the room and poke his head outside the window.

Turns out the castle was virtually unassailable from the western front, curtesy of a steep cliff face covering that flank. On the flip side the feature allowed for defensive vulnerabilities such as outside looking windows. A wonderful thing to be sure, since the view was amazing, though that was hard to appreciate from my current position.

I wave back at the butler from where my heels purchased on the narrow cornice, my back hugging the wall and my tippytoes dangling over a two-hundred-feet drop.

“Master Grahamson?”

There was a pregnant pause punctuated by the cold mountain wind.

“…yes?” I asked?

“You have been summoned to the presence of his grace the count of Aprabat at your earliest convenience.”

“… Sure, thing bud, but would you mind lending me a hand…?” and he was gone. What was with that guy?!

I shrugged, pocketed my mirror-spatula and carefully edge myself back to the window, figuring that if the count of Aprabat wanted me as dead as her granddaughter did, then dead I was, and there was exactly nothing to do about it.

‘Perhaps I could run to the frontier of the nearest country… yeah, right. No, let’s take it as it comes. Dad’s reputation should be enough to keep the rest of the family out of this.’

The well-mannered entourage had a first sit look of my behind as I slowly jimmied my way down the window’s sill, loudly kicking some of the fell porcelain in the process. Back on sweet wonderful floor again, I took a moment to straight my clothes before I turned and bowed to my silent audience.

“Your grace, it is an honor to make your acquaintance.” I bowed, cake cream topping falling from my shoulder.

“What a waste of perfectly good cake.” The count sighed.

“Yes, terribly tragic. The cake’s mother must be in tiers.”

Another pregnant pause ensued.

“That was a terrible pun. I am half tempted to execute you for it alone.” The count mused.

At his back, Chin-face lit up in ferocious glee.

“I am so sorry your grace! I run my mouth when I am nervous! Please don’t kill me! I verry much like being alive…” I swear I tried to shut my trap! I really did! But it was stronger than me! “… and caking…”

The pause that followed must have been expecting triplets. Then the count chuckled.

“I can see how you managed to have my granddaughter so railed up,” and then, when I was about to let go of the tension in my shoulders, he fixed mi with a gaze of steel, “but I have my fill of buffoons. You will treat my heir with the respect her station demands or your head will roll, is that clear?”

I swallowed led.

“Y-yes sir.”

“Good. Then you will be expected to move to the castle tomorrow. Madam Bishard will give you the details of your assignment.”

“But grandfather!” Chin-face protested, “You cannot be seriously considering him for my new chaperon! This filth dared to humiliate me in public!”

“Silence, child!” the count’s steely gaze now was fixed on her, “As far as I know, this young man prevented you for soling the honor of our house! Your fit of rage almost costed us the loyalty of our more devout subjects and much face in front of the sons of our neighbors!”

Sergrave coughed in his hand, the captain grimaced and Richia shrunk as the count continued his tirade.

“Think girl. What would have the other lords thought if you, their hostess, had maimed a fellow student for a perceived slight on her first day? Do you think they would continue to send their heirs to attend classes to such a dangerous place? What good does the incident to your reputation?”

‘Huh! This is getting good!’ I thought as Chin-face grew paler and paler.

“If not for young Grahamson’s opportune intervention you would have become a social pariah. As it is, your pairs believe that you were merely trying to scare another girl when a country bumkin who didn’t new any better, stumbled into the scene and drove you away through sheer vexation.”

The recount was less heroic than I remember… yet painfully accurate… Still, a win was a win, so I waggled my eyebrows at Chin-face when I caught her glaring my way. I quickly had to feign interest on a tapestry when the count turned on me.

“But fortuitus or not you undermined my hose’ authority, young man, and that must be remedied; fortunately, the good captain here, has engineered a solution that might kill two birds with one fire ball. Augustus, if you may…”

“Yes, my lord.” Said captain step forward, standing at attention, “I suggested Blake Grahamson be hired as Lady Richia’s new chaperon, contingent on his proper behavior. Thus, master Grahamson would have the authority and the duty to prevent her lady from farther soiling her good name, yet he would be compelled to conduct himself with the outmost respect towards her in order to keep his post. This way her ladyships’ pairs will see how the good house of Aprabat had tame a ‘disrespectful country bumkin’ and turned him into a proper manservant, who in turn would help governess Bishard keep an eye on her lady while she attends the academy.”

He said all that without breathing once, so I was still trying to parse out the bit about turning me into a ‘proper manservant’ when ‘her ladyship’ bit me to the chase;

“Never!” Chin-face draw an accusing finger at the captain, “If you think I will let this vagrant lead me around by the nose then you are sourly mistaken! This beast humiliated me publicly and he must pay for it!”

The captain didn’t so much as flinch at Richia’s outburst, but the count shake his head forlornly.

“How many times I told you to wait until you know whole layout of a situation before committing to a position?” he gestured towards the butler who bowed and presented Richia with a sealed scroll, “You should always expect a capable ruler to have some kind of leverage behind the paper of his laws. In this case the leverage is on paper too. I hope the irony helps to drive home the lesson.”

With trembling hands, Chin-face reached for the scroll. Her eyebrows did a great demonstration of alpinism as she broke the seal and read its content. I was half tempted to congratulate the hairy champs for their fit, but something in Richia’s face gave me pause.

“You wouldn’t!” her wide eyes went back to his grandfather, the scroll crumpled against her chest.

“I would.” The count’s voice was glacial, “In fact, is pass time I do. This charade of yours has gone for far too long.”

The air in the room was thick as tar. I almost choke with the effort to speak.

“Ahem… sir? Do you mind if I ask a question of my own?”

All eyes went to me.

“…go on.” The count allowed.

“When Master captain says that my job is contingent on my behavior, what does he mean?”

“Why, it only means you will be immediately executed should you publicly disrespect my Granddaughter again.”

Now, I am sure I swallowed led.

“I-I see…”

“Is good that you do. But threat not, you can resign after the first week if you don’t feel up to the task.” The older man clapped my shoulder cheerily, “By the way, that was an impressive application of the phantom-sound trick you use back there. You used it what, three times in a row? How did you manage to pull it off so consistently?”

“I-It was nothing much, really…” I stammered between fluster and terrified.

“Nonsense kid! That is a sign of great talent! Your father must be proud of you!” the count kept patting my back nonchalantly as he walked me towards the door. He turned to Chin-face, “Well, that was all for today dear, Sargrave will send someone to deal with this mess latter but we won’t bother you no longer.”

Chin-face was pale as a ghost, still clutching the clump of paper to her chest but, even so, she managed to bow and glare at me as she said;

“This one is grateful for his lordship’s visit.”

“Again, too servile...” The count mutter under his breath as the doors closed behind us.

Now on the hallway the count grabbed my shoulder and whispered in my ear.

“I meant what I said, kid. That girl is my granddaughter. If I learn you disrespect her again, poor Graham will have to berried another loved one… Now, there is no harm done if there is no one around to see do it. The spirits know she needs to be brought down a peg or two… then again, you will never know when I’ll be watching…”

I nodded vigorously, all but sure that if I opened my stupid mouth, it would be the one to dig me under.

The count smiled and clapped his hands.

“Well, gentleman, I trust you two would be able to guide our guest out the castle. Time is short and life is a busy mistress, so I will leave you to court her.”

I hastily followed Sergrave and the captain into a deep reverence as the older man turned and left, whistling a marry tune.

I stared silently at his leaving form, then stared at the silent captain beside me to politely ask;

“What the fu...?!”