Life sucks. Is the thought that goes through Squish's mind every morning after realizing that he once again, procrastinated until the last minute for a project that is due today for an important class and still stayed up until 3 in the morning watching funny animal videos and the latest gaming playthroughs on his laptop. 

Now it's 930am and his eyes are crusty, his breath stinks, and he doesn't have any clean clothes to wear except the ones he put on yesterday and fell asleep in. There is a crick in his neck from sleeping in an inadvisable position. Squish looks down and he sees his laptop on his chest, as well as his developing double chin sticking out just past his lips. A bout of dizziness hits him as Squish adjusts his position to be more comfortable that just makes him want to go back to sleep. His first class at 11 has been missed many a time due to Squish's laziness. Today, the call of nature is too loud to ignore. Squish closes his laptop, puts it to the side, and rolls off his raised bed feet first. He steps into a slightly moist, slightly crusty wad of tissue left over from last night's exercises. Some wetness seeps into Squish's sock, but he doesn't care and kicks the tissues into the pile of dirty clothes under the bed until it's not visible anymore. He grabs a canister of deodorant and sprays himself and his surroundings so his roommate won't complain. Not that he's around much, he probably got stuck in some girl's room again. Squish doesn't even remember what his name is, he thinks it starts with A. If you're creative, you can imagine how Daniel starts with A. Squish checks his pants to make sure his room and dorm keys are there before walks out of his room in his socks to the communal bathroom. The door slams shut behind him. At the stall, Squish drops his sweatpants and fiddles around his large belly trying to find his noodle before he decides just to squat down on the plastic seat. While he's there he notices his toothbrush he's been missing for a couple of days leaning against the wall of the stall. Thank the lord neither the janitor nor his dormmates wanted to touch that filthy thing. The normally white bristles of the toothbrush have turned a splotchy yellow and the toothpaste crust has encased the head completely. Squish thinks he must have forgotten it there when his roommate actually came back and Squish wanted to exercise with his phone in peace. 

After completing his business in the bathroom, Squish stands in his room contemplating. If he skips all his classes to work on the project that's due at 3, he still won't be able to finish since it's a large project and Squish still needs to learn how to do it. There is no way to cheat it so Squish decides that it's better to skip his last class with the project and go to the other ones. Squish grabs his backpack and makes his way to the bus stop that will take him to his next class. 

Squish didn't use to be this way, but I'll save his life story for another time, we're almost through.

During class, Squish doesn't understand most of what the professor is saying. How could he, when he didn't read the assigned text or complete the "optional" exercises? Squish spends most of the class trying to stay awake or closing his eyes for minutes at a time before waking up moderately refreshed, trying to get his bearings, and falling into boredom again. Checking his phone for the time remaining until class ends, he notices he's hungry again. Squish automatically plans to visit the cafeteria for some pizza before his next class. There are 56 minutes left in class, so Squish sets up the discreet phone fort. A notebook, a screen touch-sensitive pen, and a box of supplies big enough to hide the phone on his notebook from the front. The back of the class/lecture hall is the best place to do this. Squish opens his favorite manhwa reading place and continues from where he left off, reading about emcees (Main Characters) going through some rough apocalypse, getting sent to another world or tower, getting knowledge about their new circumstances, surviving by the skin of their teeth, training, getting levels, getting stronger, and surrounded by beautiful chicks and lolis and pet dragons that turn into lolis, murdering their way through any obstacle or asshole, before defeating the big bad evil controlling the strings from the start that underestimated the emcees' abilities for some inane reason or other. Squish wishes he was one of these emcees Hehehe so that he too could be surrounded by beautiful women Hahaha and become the most powerful man on the planet beholden to no one. Mwuhahahahahahahaha. LOL. ROFL. LMFAO. LMFAOWIHABFAFIMRAAMMYAMTTDMRFBNA. Be Careful What You Wish For.

Squish had 4 slices of pizza because he skipped breakfast. 2 pepperonis, 1 four cheese, and a Hawaiian (Ham and Pineapple for you tasteless mongrels). 

Squish's 2nd class of the day is his favorite class. It's the only one he shows up early to, even before the professor. I bet you can guess why. There are 5 girls that come straight from the gym in their tight yoga pants or short shorts and their tank tops with the exposed midriff. Each one with a face cuter than the next. Squish's favorite is Katerina. He only knows her name because he waited to turn in his midterm until she was done and got a glimpse at her paper on the teacher's desk. She had that Eastern European face with a healthy tan, round natural C-cups with a deep cleavage you could stare at forever, a round bubble butt with a perfect little thigh gap, and a cameltoe that leaves almost nothing to the imagination. She smells vaguely of strawberries and her brown eyes are soul-searching. A perpetually impassive face that needs no make-up with a smile that brightens the room. Squish believes she wears little to no underwear at all. She, in fact, does not except when she's on her period or her boyfriend filled her up too much. Squish spends most of the class daydreaming about her or all her friends in various compromising positions with different tattoos in private places or heart-shaped pubes riding his "massive" python. Squish literally doesn't exist to her. She has a boyfriend on the football team that is a business/finance major who has a dad who is a hedge fund manager who makes 6-7 figures a month, and her parents who are successful doctors. The only reason she's not in an Ivy League is because this school happens to be the best party school on the East Coast. Some people are born with a golden spoon studded with gems and dipped in the rarest, most expensive honey. Good luck. 

Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

After Squish exorcises his dreams in a bathroom nearby, he makes his way over to his favorite hand-pulled noodle restaurant not far from campus. Squish does not stop thinking about starting a family with Katerina and is distracted when he starts crossing the road. Squish was this close *imagine someone pinching their pointer and thumb fingers together* to becoming roadkill when the driver of the family SUV blasted his horn *HOOOONNNNNKKKK*. Squish's deeply buried survival instincts kicked in, and he was able to stop himself and jump back to the sidewalk.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT, I nearly died!" The adrenaline was pumping hard. The heart was beating hard. Squish was out of breath and his legs were shaking. Everything was shaking. Squish fell down on his ass, on the grass next to the sidewalk and something in his brain flipped. Squish started talking to himself. Mental cases everywhere, I tell you. 

"I nearly died. Wow. Holy shit. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I nearly died and accomplished nothing with my life. Just another stain on the asphalt."

"I'm a mess. I'm disgusting. Holy shit do I smell like shit." "I need to get my shit together, focus Jacob focus." 

"If I drop out of college, I'll probably end up homeless and I'll never have a family. I'll never have grandkids."

"I'll never get to taste Katerina's p***y..." Even if you work your ass off, you probably still never will. You need divine intervention or resort to unsavory means. 

"I need to get over my fear of talking to girls."

And so, Squish set out his first goal in a while. But not before slurping down some delicious beef noodle soup.

Checking out the book "Dating for Dummies" and skim-reading until he figured out that his fear of talking to women was actually a fear of rejection, Squish decided to take the advice written in the book and ask for random girls' contact info until he was over his fear of rejection.

And that is how Squish ended up in front of the many lecture halls, having shaved, showered, cleaned his clothes, and put on some cologne, asking every girl that walked by for her phone number. Of course, Squish didn't instantly dive into the ocean of p***y that was college but constantly referred to the holy text in his hands for a while before he worked up the courage to step in front of this black girl and whisper under his breath "Can I get your number please?" The black girl responded by stepping around Squish's fat ass and high-tailing it out of there before the delusional creep could get any other ideas.

This pattern repeated for a while before Squish stopped being so choosy with who to approach and who to chase and went for the easier catch: the whales. Some of them even stopped to respond to Squish when he found his voice. "No." "Sorry no." "I have a boyfriend." "I'm married." (WTF? Only the desperate or depraved would marry a whale) "You're not my type." "I'm a lesbian" (Thank god.) "I'm busy."

It was nighttime and Squish didn't get a single phone number. He was running out of people and whales to pester. Squish decided to return to his room and try again tomorrow. On his way home he saw one last whale, this one had short blue hair with pink highlights. If you've read the summary, you know what's coming. 

"Excuse me."

"Yes?"

"Can I have your phone number?"

"What for?"

"So that I can get over my fear of whales."  Squish, in his tiredness, had a small slip of the tongue.

"What the fuck?! You fucking creep!" She stepped up to Squish and swung her big, meaty left hand with a mighty swoosh. Followed by a hearty *Smack* on Squish's right cheek. If you watched it in slow motion, as I did, you'd notice how the ripples originating from the slap traveled all the way to the other side of his head before returning to their origin point. 

"Ow fuck! You broke my hand, pervert!" Science, Bitch! And the whale bravely waddled away, tears streaming from her face.

Squish was instantly knocked out. Maybe that whale should try MMA, that shit was honestly impressive. 

When Squish woke up, he was lying on the purple grass, staring at 3 suns in the sky, their rays piercing through significant cloud cover, with squiggly-shaped rainbows everywhere. In a T-shirt, sweatpants, sneakers and a book under his arm, Squish uttered his first words in his new reality.

"Where the fuck am I?"