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Part 8 - Determinant (cont.)

It wasn't the most comfortable-looking position but she rested her eyes easily with her arms folded under her scrub-covered bust.

She was bushed....I winced to myself. 

Impossible not to think about...that. I'd seen it several times now. My man's once-proud dick, completely-altered.

And she thought it was normal. She thought this was how her body was supposed to look. She was worried about looking pretty. She was dainty and girly and sweet. It was adorable. It was cute. But it was also a perversion of how things were supposed to be.

A funhouse mirror without the fun. My man eclipsed and filled with the presence of his relative. Filled, deluged, and buried in the feelings, mind, and essence of someone else. Where was he? Where had those limp dicks put him? What would they return to me?

But, God, it wasn't Lina's fault. Fuck. It wasn't her fault her body was a loaner that needed to be returned...that needed to be put right. 

But how could it be put right?! How?! Come on! Tell me, you shit-gargling, micro-dick dribblers spraying your fucking balls with your goddam piss! What's your fucking plan?! How does my man get back and how does this fucking innocent girl not deserve better than to just dissolve into memory?!

Work that out, you shit-planning, two-bit thief pimp fuckers.

God, I needed a damn drink or I was gonna raise hell on the universe.

I stomped to the bar and bent over it. Only it was difficult to stomp in what I was wearing, so I just strutted really hard with my ass swinging angrily. I still felt tough.

The barkeep was quick to take my order. Goat cheese penne salmon with spinach, potatoes, and tomatoes for Lina. Lamb stew for me. Faygo Pineapple for her drink. Red ale and two shots of Redbreast for mine. And loaded potato wedges to share.

"I'll just take the shots here."

Kick back the first. Spicy and warm all the way down. It really hit the spot and all over the spot. The second smacked down to my toes. Saucy! 

God, the man on the nearest stool was ripped. His dense shoulders barely fit into his gray shirt. I'd love to see those arms wrapped around me, handling me from the top down. Then his rough jeans. What surprises did they hide?

His coarse, dark hair and dense beard. I could stroke it. I smiled leaning forward. A clean-shaven man returned from the bathroom and surprised him with an affectionate shoulder rub. 

Fuck! I added fried pickles to the order. 

I returned to the table with the pickles, the drinks, and the steaming wedges. 

Lina smiled and sipped. "Ooo, I like this one. Not harsh. Real sweet. Thanks, Babs!"

Nodding, I dipped and licked my pickles before downing them. Lina proclaimed, "Fuzzy pickles!" It must've been a game reference. They were good with tart mustard sauce and a mix of spears and full ones.

"Anything I should expect for Friday at the OWL? Does it tend to be like Monday or Wednesday?"

I held a pickle in my mouth before chewing off the end. "Depends. It's later in the month so doctors book heavy. Therefore, a lot of orders drop in. And people tend to wait till their last chance in the week to get things done. Fairly crazy Fridays."

But would you even need to worry about that? When Greg came back he would not be ready for work the same day. And I could wind up wrecked dealing with him. But no fucking way was Deb gonna be in charge of the damn ship. I'd rather lose a day of business.

Each sip of ale held back but also deepened the throbbing in my head. Lina was so relaxed. So natural. So happy. The fuck was I doing here? She should've been spending her moments like last night, having the kind of fun she wanted. 

Well, this was where I ran into Greg a week ago. I stretched my foot under the table and told him what I wanted after dancing around it for so long. And I wanted...god, I still wanted some dick more than anything. Fucking hell. 

Every man here. I could fuck them. Big orgy at Bab's place, come on! You in the brown flannel over there! You bet your ass you can take my ass. Plow it deep. Let me feel you everywhere. That older guy with the gray beard. I bet you've got a tongue like an old pro. Like a fucking shower brush but delicate. I'll show you what my tongue can do too. Come on, fuck me like you mean it! All of you. Take turns or don't. I can make room. I can...God. Why the fuck was I here?

I set a pickle down and looked over at Lina. Quietly, I confessed, "I can't do this anymore." She noticed my drink pushed aside and frowned.

"Aww. I saw you with those shots. I could never do that. But please take it easy or we'll need a cab." She gave a quick chuckle. God...how. Yeah, I was definitely already over. And it would take hours to get sober. 

Meekly, I murmured, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."

"What for?" She nibbled on a pickle. 

For everything. "For any trouble you've had this week."

Sipping her pop, Lina giggled. "Maybe on Monday but I got over it. Bring on Friday! I can handle it."

The faint noise of the pub was starting to get loud against my head, even without my ale. I took a deep breath. "We've had a lot of nice meals...lately."

Dipping her pickle, Lina looked me gently in the eye. "Yeah! I like to think so. Hopefully including the breakfast I made. And I hope this one isn't too pricy for you. I think I can cover it with my cash wage from today though."

I shook my head firmly. "No. I got this. You just enjoy it." Lina lingered on my eyes and scratched behind her ear before relenting, "Okay, but I'm scheming sweet things to do for you. Not to make us even but because you are an awesome friend and totally deserve it." She started on one of the wedges with a grin.

No, I wasn't. Bless you, Lina, but I wasn't. I was shit. Letting you sit there while time ran out on your dreams and I waited for my dreams to pick up again. Letting you think you could have lots of sweet, wide-eyed, happy babies when those parts wouldn't last the weekend. Letting you dream of tomorrow when an everything-eater asteroid was speeding towards what you knew of a life. And the only remains would be my man with the memories of what might have been. Fuck this and fuck me...

"Lina. About that video from Saturday."

She puffed frantically on a hot sliver of potato. "Yeah?"

"It's missing now." Fuck fuck fuuuck. I couldn't tell her it was because my phone's cloud was garbage. I just about gnawed on my lip. The ale was calling again.

Lina dipped her head and gave a sly smile. "I actually...saw, when I soft-modded your phone. But that's good! It means that whatever hit John and Greg was just messing with you. Although I do still have some worries..."

I held my breath before asking, "Like?"

"Well, if John is that bum guy instead of being the me taking my spot at BlizzCon then that means, most likely, Greg is probably my twin. We shared a lot of personal stuff back in high school and when life was...less than nice for me. But, no matter how cool he's always been, I hope he doesn't remember everything. A little privacy please hehe."

I managed a smile and offered, "No matter what fun he might have at that con...can't compare to the week we had."

Flashing her teeth, Lina cradled her drink. "Except for the sleep deprivation and the...unpleasantness this morning. But yeah, it has been something else. Hanging out with you. Sharing so much. Learning so much..."

My honest smile. "So many beautiful dicks."

Lina snickered over her drink. "That too..." 

Our food was ready. I picked at my stew but got through it. Lina tore into her pasta as ravenously as the hangover breakfast earlier. Soon, it was over but for the damn wedge potatoes we'd barely made a dent in. 

Lina hopped up to grab a to-go box for them, saying, "Snack tomorrow." My ale was empty but still a bittersweet reminder in my throat.

Looking over, I noticed her leaning against the bar as the keep handed her a wrapped-up slice of cheesecake with strawberry and caramel. He gestured to a special on the counter. Oh yeah, two meals, one free slice. 

She grinned and adjusted the bag to slip the cake in. A guy on a stool nearby said something that ended in "night". Lina clutched the bag with her slender arms through the loops. She answered something back that ended in "tomorrow". 

She stood there, resting against the bar, same as I did. She brushed her hair back and smirked. I noticed how the guy on the stool resembled John. His long locks flowed like unbraided rope with a hint of rust.

I shut my eyes and took a long breath. As she finished chatting, just a regular girl talking to a regular guy, I stood up from the booth and approached her.

Halfway between the bar and the booth, I met her. She showed off the bag and noted, "Free cheesecake."

Deep breath. I wrapped my arms around her. "Have an awesome trip home." I gave her a hearty trio of slap pats. And released my breath.

"Uhh...kay."

Leaving her, I walked back to the table and put some money on it. Then, I put some money in her free hand. 

"Babs? What? What's this for?"

"The ALPH or a cab. Your call."

I turned to walk to the door. She hurried after me. "Babs? What's wrong? Did I do something wrong?" Her voice turned strangled and desperate.

Gently, I assured her, "It's fine."

"I..But...why are you acting like this is goodbye?!"

It was. "I'm too drunk to drive. You get a cab home and I'll get one home too."

Lina shook her head. "No. We can split it. We ride back together. It's the sensible thing."

I turned away. "Nah, my treat. Your own ride."

"But Babs...I'm really worried about you. Please." Her arms dipped. "If...if I upset you or did something wrong...I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I never mean to. It just happens. It just... Is it the hairpin? I left it out today. But it's right in my pocket and at the pool I didn't want to lose it. But it's here. I have it right here!" She held it in a quivering hand with her eyes wide and glossy.

"It's beautiful. You're beautiful."

Shakily, Lina put the pin in her hair. "Yes, it's so beautiful and thank you for it. Is that okay?"

I swallowed. "I think you have a few things left in my car, like your swimsuit. You should go get them."

She curled back her lips and shook her head. "Please, are we okay? You're not mad at me? You're not upset?"

I smiled weakly. "I'm not mad. I'm not upset. It's okay."

"Then don't leave. Please, Babs. Don't leave. I'm so sorry. For whatever happened. For whatever's wrong. Even if it's not me. Don't leave." Her voice got so small, smaller with every breath, choked in her tears. 

I reached out for her hand. She took it eagerly.

"It's okay. I'll see you again soon." Warm smile. Serene smile. One more smile for my girl. 

The trembling eased. She went to get her stuff in my car. I shouldered half the load as the ALPH pulled up to take her. She waved through the window and blew kisses. And she was gone.

My eyes itched. They were irritated. They kept getting wet on the side. Over and over, both eyes. Just more and more tears. I had to close them and whimper. Too much humidity. It irritated my eyes. I rubbed them but they kept getting wet. Over and over. Trickling down my face. That never happened in the Southwest. Damn humidity up here. God, why wouldn't my eyes just quit it!

The driver didn't ask about my tears. I was leaving a pub. 

Lina buzzed my phone with text messages, but I didn't check them. I knew what they would say. I just shut my soaking eyes until I was home. 

I stepped through the front door with bleary, wet vision. Dammit! Stop already! 

It was so dusty in here. No wonder this happened. With my teeth clenched, I yanked the vacuum out of the closet. Dust bunnies, along with all you fucking spiders and bugs! You are on notice than I'm gonna burn down your homes with my own personal fucking tornado! Who cares if that makes no sense?! You're going down!

I rage vacuumed! I cleaned the ever-loving shit out of everything! I sprayed Lysol like bile! Clean as fuck, you piece of shit bum, leeching motherfuckers! Everything! 

At the end, I looked out across the clean and fresh landscape. Everything done. Everything nice and neat. And my eyes were still drowning. 

Well, then I'll drown them! I blasted my face with a shower. Take that! But even after drying-off they wouldn't stop, dammit! I wasn't some little girl! I wasn't like this! I ran a damn office where I politely told people where to stuff it and how hard! I wanted my man and his hard, glorious dick! But Lina...sweet Lina. Just a wind whisper of a grain in the sands of time. I balled my fists. Fucking limp dicks!

God, I pounded the bed face-first. I piled the pillows for my face with my tits pressing me up. I buried my hot breath and moist fears. 

My man. My girl. My love. My life. 

You were both beautiful and I wanted you both. I want Greg inside me and I wanted Lina beside me. Fucking bet-holders. Fuck with someone else. Anyone else. Not them.

If I could offer a bet, no matter the cost, I would...just to know everything would be alright.

Tiredness dragged me down. No alarms set. It didn't matter. Let sleep come. Deep, consuming sleep to seal the heart and break the sorrow...

...wipe away all tears from their eyes...no more mourning or sadness or pain. The world of the past has gone...

OOOO

What the hell?!

I turned in bed. Something was wrong. Seriously wrong. 

I looked down. 

Holy freaking crap! My tits were gone!

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