Chapter Five

Romance: Pale and Dark

Veda

I had been thinking about Antony. He was going to ask me to be his date for grad, and I was prepared with an appropriate rebuttal for a chess tournament champ. No matter what he said, I knew how to move my pieces until the king was dead.

I was out of time. The moment had arrived.

June let him in and he was staring into a shallow bowl of rainwater when I entered the living room.

“What are you using this for?” he asked instead of saying hello.

“I think it’s a joke June is playing on me. I said I wanted to try scrying, so she left a bowl out to catch the rain the other day. It’s nothing.”

He looked at the bowl like he hated it. “It looks dirty,” he commented. “If it’s only for a joke, can I throw it out?”

“No,” I said, thinking of the many uses for rainwater.

He glared at it one final time before he made his way over to the enormous wooden bench that served as our couch. He sat exactly in the middle as the bench had a spinning wheel at each end. Every woman in our coven carded and spun wool. Not even one of us liked sitting on a mushy seat to do it.

Antony did not attempt to warm me up with chit-chat before he got to the point. “Do you have a date for grad yet?”

I shook my head. “I can't think of anything more boring than the ceremony. I can't ask a date to attend anything that tiresome and all the boys at our high school are even more boring than the speakers will be.”

Antony did not realize I was including him in ‘all the boys’ and continued, “You weren't thinking of asking Salinger, were you?”

“Will he even be in the country? I thought he still had a few witch covens to tour.”

Antony enjoyed hearing that. “You didn’t like him?”

In reply, I gave Antony a playful look that could have meant anything.

Feeling comfortable, he continued. “I heard he canceled his trip. He's renting the attic in Fair Isle's house for the entire summer.”

“All the same, I don't think I'll ask him to grad. I don't think I'll ask anyone.”

“Why are you so grouchy about this?” Antony questioned, leaning forward. “It’s a normal right of passage. Everyone has to do it.”

Here was where my planned attack came into play. If I delivered it properly, he might not confess to anything I would find distasteful. “Don't you think it's sad we can't have Pearl come with us?”

Antony gawked at me. He had not thought about Pearl.

I continued, “She's our cousin and she's going to be left out. Sure, she could join us later on for the parties afterward, but she'll only look like an odd wheel and not part of our group at all. Don't you think that's sad?”

“Uh. No. That's how it's always been. She's always been the baby we didn't want following us around.”

I huffed and stamped my foot. “That's why it has to be different this time, before we’re all grown up. Do you know what I should do? I should ask her to be my date.”

Antony ground his teeth in frustration. Our conversation was not going the way he planned. “You'd ask a girl?”

“Why not? It's not as though we’re in the stone age and she would understand what the gesture meant. That, for once in our childhood, we all accepted her and saw her as our equal. In a few years, we'll all be adults and it won't matter that she is a few years younger. We'll all be adults together. Let's be friends now.”

“I never thought you gave a rip about Pearl,” he grunted.

He was right and he was wrong. My speech was stretching the truth. He was right that I did not consider it mandatory for her to accompany us for our first night of adult partying. He was wrong if he thought I didn't care about her. For the moment, neither feeling was the source of my words. I was trying to put him down a path that made more sense.

I had goals. I had goals for each of my cousins and separate goals for myself. I had finally decided on my goal for Antony. I need to find him someone else within our coven to attach himself to. My goal for Pearl was that she should choose a color and stop being a baby. Stripes? Please! Antony’s attention would mean more to her than to any of the other cousins. To her, he was fantastic: an older boy, with a car of his own, who worked magic, and he was part of the collective group of cousins she had always wanted to be a part of.

“Hey,” I said, acting like I just got the idea. “Do you have an idea of who you want to take to grad? If you don't, why don't you take Pearl?”

Antony almost choked even though there was nothing in his mouth. “Veda,” he said sternly, once he recovered. “I came over to ask if you wanted to go to grad with me.”

“I'll be there,” I said dismissively. “Why do we have to make such a formal declaration since we'll be there together anyway?”

“I don’t want to take her. Veda, I want to take you,” he said, determination in his voice.

The sound of my name spoken in such a way made the crawling sensation on my skin return. He was looking at me like he saw something about me that I didn’t want him to see. What did Antony know about me?

I lowered my lids and said with a catch in my voice. “I’ll be there anyway. Pearl won’t be.”

“You’re not getting it,” he said, amused by my density. “I want you to be my date. I want to date you. That’s what this is all about.”

I had to speak deliberately, so there was no misunderstanding. “I don’t feel the way you do. That trick you pulled in the practice room, touching my leg... it upset me. If there had been a part of me that could like you, I would probably have loved that trick. I didn’t. I don’t think I can ever feel that hot buzz you’re supposed to feel when you’re attracted to someone. You’re my cousin and it’s fun to hang out, but it stops there.”

The look on his face was horrified. “What do you imagine it feels like?” he asked, his voice half-strangled.

“What?”

“That hot buzz? Tell me more about it.”

Telling him more was not an option. If he heard exactly what I fantasized about, he might be able to find a spell to give me what I wanted. “I don’t know. I only know I should not feel like I am at a family reunion.”

He bent over. It had been a slam and it hurt him, but he was a chess champ and rebutted quickly. “Nobody cares about that around here. You know that. People in our family marry their first cousins all the time.”

“That’s how they feel. It isn’t how I feel,” I said. “Pearl is our cousin and I’m recommending her. Do you have any idea how excited she would be if you asked her? I’m like a stone, but she would be like a garden springing up to meet you. She could give you so much more than I could.” I took a breath and continued, “Besides, I don’t think I’ll ever flourish in a romance. I’m too hard. I’m too broken.”

His eyes snapped toward mine.

I went on. “I’m very uncomfortable with the idea of physical affection. I’m sure you’ve noticed it about me. I hate physical contact that has no purpose. I touch people for social reasons and practical reasons. I would double kiss anyone at a party if it was socially expected and I would let a doctor set my broken leg. Other than that, I have no desire to be touched for...” In distaste, I nearly spat the last word of the sentence, “pleasure.”

He set his jaw.

I went on, “If you want me to go to grad as your friend, I think there is no purpose in taking me formally. I will be there as your cousin.”

“What about Salinger?” Antony countered. “I heard you went on a date with him.”

“I did,” I sighed. “June accepted on my behalf. I wanted to give him the chance to ‘interview’ me so he could figure out how non-fun I am and move on.”

Antony got to his feet. He was furious. “You know, Veda, you’re right about one thing. You are so hard! Nothing ever pleases you. Nothing is ever right. No one is ever good enough, and now you tell me that not only will I never be good enough, but no one will?” He was almost pleading with me by the end.

His speech didn't move me. I was harder than he realized. Also, I knew something he didn't. If there was any way to fix me, if there was a person out there who could make me wish for romance and love—no matter what—it wasn't him. I had to make him understand. To stop him from taking any more damage at my hand, I had to be even harder, until he left.

I looked at him indifferently.

He pleaded with me again. “Why do you have to be alone?”

I opened my red lips. “You and I are already as much in love as I can stand. There is no more love in me.”

He nodded like the up and down movement of his chin would slice something open. With his left hand, he knocked the bowl of rainwater on the hardwood, and the ceramic shattered, splattering heaven’s blessing everywhere. He didn’t apologize or look at me again as he left the house. On the way out, he slammed the door like thunder. I found that I liked him more at that moment than ever before. Hopefully, the bowl was the only price I would have to pay for rejecting him.

I had cleared one hurdle. Hopefully, I had planted the correct seed in Antony’s mind when I suggested he date Pearl.

As I picked up the shards of broken glass on the floor, I wondered what had happened that made Salinger want to stay. Hopefully, he was staying for Fair Isle. Maybe there was meaning to his staying in her attic.

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Salinger met me for lunch the following Saturday exactly the way Antony had waited for me the week before. Naturally, he did not have Antony's Japanese lunch box, but he dressed his food up like a country picnic in a basket. I was a little stunned. He couldn't have brought the basket with him with his luggage. It had to be a new purchase, and it looked expensive.

“Will you join me for lunch?” he offered, sounding nonchalant. I glanced over him. He was wearing black. What did it mean? Fair Isle wore black. If he had chosen Fair Isle, then why did he want to have lunch with me?

“Just the two of us?” I asked skeptically.

He nodded.

My lips turned down in a pout. Whatever he wanted to talk to me about, it would not be good news, but the food had an appetizing aroma. I nodded and asked, “What are you feeding me?”

He opened the lid. “Chicken salad sandwiches, watermelon slices, potato chips, and this.” He pulled out a bottle of something carbonated, but not my favorite sparkling pomegranate apple juice. This was orange and raspberry.

“Did you make the sandwiches yourself?”

“No.” He sighed. “Antony didn't, so I didn't think it was a prerequisite.”

“I like guys with wallets as well as guys who cook,” I joked. “Have you spoken to him lately?”

“I phoned him last night and asked him if he was planning on seeing you today.”

“What time did you talk?”

“I don't know. A little after six. Is it important?”

I bit my lip. Antony had known about my little lunch date before I did. It may have spurred him to visit my house and have that essential, though humiliating, conversation with me. “Not overly,” I said, trying to downplay the importance.

At the table in the cafeteria, Salinger set the table and I asked him, “Have most of the witches in our coven read your book now?”

“Everyone except you.”

“I suppose that's what this is about then,” I said, waving my hand over the table. “I'm supposed to read it? My opinion is not important. Weren’t you supposed to visit other covens and show them your marvelous book?”

“I'm not leaving,” he said definitively. “I plan to stay for the whole summer. I’ve decided not to visit the other covens.”

“Why?”

“What I want is here. Besides, the witches at those other covens are not strangers to me. I’ve written to them for years. But, you, you never wrote to me,” he said reflectively.

“Why would I?”

“Maybe that's why you are so interesting. You’re the one I don’t understand yet.” He poured the carbonated liquid into a goblet and handed it to me.

I took a sip. I liked it. “Been doing more divining?”

He shook his head. “It's not necessary after the first time.”

“You’re that good at divining? You only need to do it once? Tell me your secret.”

“No,” he chuckled, enjoying my accidental flirtation. “You're not interested anyway. You are only interested in my book. None of the other magic matters to you. You have been trying to figure out how you can read it without betraying your interest and I've got to hand it to you, your indifference is convincing, but I know that isn't how you really feel.”

It was annoying that he knew, but his insight wasn’t magical, everyone wants a private view into the creative work of their adversary. Since he was dangling it, I might as well get what I wanted. “Are you going to let me read it or not?”

He gave me a smile that revealed one pointed canine. “Yes, you get to read it when I formally add it to the hidden library on Sunday. There won't be a ceremony or anything, but you and I will be there. You'll represent your coven. I'll give you the book, you'll read it, and put it in the cabinet.”

I blinked a few times. “It's a pretty big deal for you to give your prize book to a witch coven you have no ties with.”

“I'm declaring my intention to have ties with your coven.”

“You've chosen someone?” It was obvious what he was about to say.

“You,” he said smoothly.

“Me? Have I done something to encourage you?”

“Not particularly.”

I sputtered, “Then why? I'm not interested in you. All my cousins want you madly and you've got to have me because I'm the one who doesn't?”

“I hope that's not all I have on my mind,” he said with a beautiful flick of his tongue.

“Hasn’t Antony told you my declaration?”

“Your what?”

“I plan on never getting married, or having a boyfriend, or a lover, or any of that.”

Salinger took the news gracefully, as in he didn't laugh or scowl. Instead, he looked at me soberly and questioned, “Who's responsible for that?”

“I am.”

“Hm. What is it that you’re trying to avoid? Have you had your heart broken?”

I glared at him. “It was never romantic, but yes, I have had my heart broken. That’s not the only issue. You see, I don’t enjoy physical affection. It’s weird. I dislike skin-to-skin contact.”

“But you linked arms with me on our date the other night.”

“Our skin wasn’t touching,” I reminded him. “Besides, plenty of touching is considered normal in our society. I’m prepared for that, but that is where the boundary lies. You can shake my hand, help me with my coat, help me from a car, and even link arms with me when you’re showing me where to go. Beyond is too much.”

“Have I popped your bubble? Uh, I mean, crossed your boundaries and offended you already?” If there had been the slightest hint of mockery in his tone, I would have walked out, but there wasn't.

“No,” I lied. The way he had touched my ringlet the other night had definitely crossed a boundary, but I planned to let that slide because I didn’t want to confess to how much that unsettled me. “Thus far, you've been fine.”

“That’s a relief. As I remember our date the other night, my hands were all over you. I must have touched your hair fifty times, let my hand rest on the curve of your back, and held your hand too long every chance I got. You didn’t notice?”

I rolled my eyes. None of that had happened, or at least, not much of it. “Whatever. I don't know how we could proceed when I've already decided that the answer is no, no matter who asks.”

“All that seems strange to me.”

“Why?”

“Because out of all the witches I've considered as possible partners, you are the one who knows what attracts a man more than any of the others.”

I set down my fork since I ate sandwiches with a fork rather than dirty my fingers. “Explain.”

“You are wearing a skirt. I've never seen you without one. The cousins say you wear trousers to your high school, but I haven't witnessed it. Skirts or dresses, heighten your femininity and make the men around you aware that yes, you are a woman, not a genderless entity.”

“Because you, as a man, would not be caught dead wearing a skirt?”

“It’s because nothing that you are wearing could ever be worn by me. The way you look screams that you are a woman and why would you want to scream that unless you are trying to get the attention of a man?”

I picked up my fork again. “You're right. I never want anyone to forget that I'm a lady and I deserve to be treated as such. It doesn't mean I'm soliciting for a date.”

He inclined his head, acknowledging that my reasoning was not flawed. “No, I suppose not. What a disappointment. Out of curiosity, what do you plan on wearing to your graduation? A woman, as well dressed as you, is expected to put on a show.”

I glanced at him. No one had asked me about my dress and I was very excited about it. “I engaged a dressmaker months ago.” I couldn't close my mouth, even though every sign in my head warned me to stop talking. “It's going to be beautiful. It has over a thousand glass beads sewn in. Naturally, I could never afford the fabric with them sewn in, nor could I afford to pay my dressmaker to sew them. I ended up doing most of them myself. I’ve been working on it since before Christmas. The concept is 'stars in the daytime'--” I trailed off. Salinger was smiling with genuine interest and I instantly heeded the warning signs I had ignored before.

“I look forward to seeing it,” he said.

“I'm not inviting you,” I snapped.

“Of course, you're not. I'm going with Intarsia.”

That struck me. “Really? When you are so hung up on me?”

“She asked me on my first day here. I put her off at first, thinking I wouldn't be around, but after I changed my mind about leaving, it seemed like the best thing to accept. She was my best pen pal all those years. It seems only right to go with her.”

I pounced on the news. “See if you can get her to leave the green lipstick off for the night.”

Salinger looked perplexed. “Why would I do that? I don't care what she looks like if she’s comfortable.”

“You know,” I said, “I have little goals for each one of my cousins. With her, it's to get her to stop wearing that lipstick. Three years ago, I was at a sleepover party at her house. In the middle of the night, I got up and did her lips over with my red lipstick. She looked gorgeous. The green lips ruin her look. With red lips, she looks like Rose Red in a fairy tale. Somehow she switched it before morning and none of the other cousins saw her. It was such a shame.”

“So you can’t convince her to try a different color?”

“I mention it to her every twentieth time I see her, but so far no success.”

He chuckled. “Only every twentieth time?”

“Well,” I replied timidly, “I don’t want to be annoying.”

He laughed and for a moment, it seemed to me that he was enjoying our conversation more than any conversation he’d ever had. He looked at me like he never wanted to stop looking at me, like he’d play devil’s advocate or agree with anything I said, as long as I kept talking.

“But she's got such pure feelings for her chosen color. Don't you find that admirable?” he asked roguishly.

“No. I don't think our ancestors meant to make us look ugly in our color of choice. They did it so our thought processes would not be hindered by stupid costumes. We always wear the same color, so all our clothes match. It saves money. It saves time. We always wear the same color, so our focus won’t falter because of differences in our attire. It's brilliant. Besides, if she were really so pure, she would color her hair green instead of red.”

“We should point that out to her,” he chuckled.

“Green hair hardly looks good on anybody. If you put that thought in her head, I will use your entrails for divination.”

“Is it such a big deal?”

“Well, it wouldn't be, but let me ask you, do you want to kiss her on her green lips at the end of the night?”

“No,” he admitted. “But that's just because I'm not the right guy for her.”

“She doesn't see it that way,” I said forcefully. “She likes you and she doesn't realize that her green lips stop you from being able to see her true beauty. In case you didn't notice, Intarsia is a much nicer person than I am. I'm horrid. Your enthusiasm for me is fueled by my exterior because you can't love someone's interior on such short notice. Bend your mind a bit and ask her to wear red lipstick for grad. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.”

He looked at the floor and put his palms together. He was deflating.

I felt almost triumphant. I was going to convince him to forget me.

“Okay,” he said, lifting his chin. “Let's say I do what you're suggesting. What kind of bet should we make?”

“A bet?”

“Yeah. I’m not going to make her wear red. If I get Intarsia to wear a normal lipstick color and I still prefer you at the end of the night, what will I get?”

“What will I get if I win?” I countered.

“You'll get me off your back. I'll be married to Intarsia before the winter solstice.”

I gasped. “You thought you would be able to marry me by the winter solstice?” I was abruptly angry. “What kind of a sick--”

He rose from his chair. “Stop. I didn't say that thinking of you. I mean that Intarsia likes me already, if I liked her too, there would be no reason to wait. I don't think I'll be able to marry you by the winter solstice. Okay? I never thought that. I don't think you're that easy or I'm that smooth. I just want to date you and get to know you better. That’s all.”

His voice and sincerity calmed me down, but it still took me five deep breaths to be able to hear what he was saying. “Fine,” I agreed. “If I win, my prize will be you leaving me alone.”

“And if I win? I want something romantic.”

I sneered. “How romantic?”

“A kiss?”

I raised my hand in objection. “You're asking for too much. I would not whore myself off to pay a debt. I will give you a hand-knit scarf. I'll knit it for you myself.”

“Not just any old scarf you once knit, but a new one, made specifically for me?”

“Yes.”

“Isn't that a bit much? Knitting takes time.”

“Yes, it does, but for you to help me with one of my life's ambitions, I think I can swing it.”

“Then it's a deal. Should we shake on it?” He reached for me.

“No,” I said coldly. “If I say I'll do something, I will. I don't seal agreements with anything other than my word.”

“Fine.” He put his hand back on his side of the table. “I came here today to tell you my plan to win you over. I'm going to write a book, especially for you. I'll stay here until I finish it. Will you promise to read it?”

I took my goblet in hand, relaxed enough to let my back touch my chair, and looked at him. Salinger was good looking. I found his dark looks more compelling than Antony's fair ones. I frowned. It was one of those moments when you've already made a decision, but you dislike the decision you made. I wished I wasn't so interested in those wretched books!

“As long as it's a real spell book. No ordinary book will do.”

“Of course not.”

He tried to shake my hand again, but I just glared at him.