Welcome to your induction to the “system” or, as some like to call us, the UTI. I am your personal agent. You can contact me any time by pressing your index and middle finger to the bracer and thinking my name.
> SEARCHING LIFE STREAM
> DATA RETRIEVED
> PROBABILITY DETERMINED
Dev. Yeah, that works, call me Dev. How does that work for you, complication protocol- I mean Mal?
Without waiting for my response my new system assigned agent continued.
Great! Now that introductions are out of the way, let's proceed with establishing your mana reservoir and finalizing your integration. Before we do that though you’ll need to decide on your progression path with the system, based on your life stream data the best way to describe this would be picking your “class” or specialty.
Let’s go over your class options based on the natural alignments present in your life stream. These natural alignments will be evaluated with some fancy math, a bit of magic and a whole lot of [ REDACTED ] to get you a list of class choices that will fit you like a glove, probably. After you choose, we’ll go over everything in detail and I’ll answer any questions you might have.
Oh, and Mal, you'll need to choose quickly, relying on your, shall we say, gut feeling. This practice is to help reduce causal loops and paradoxes that result from [ REDACTED ], don’t worry about it.
> SCANNING LIFE STREAM
> CALCULATING CHOICE…
> ERROR: CANNOT DIVIDE BY ZERO!
> RECALCULATING….
> The following three classes have been determined to be particularly synergistic with your life stream:
Chronographer
Time is an illusion and nobody knows this better than a Chronographer. As a Chronographer you’ll have the ability to manipulate the very fabric of the time itself without having to worry about the many, many repercussions that normally come with messing around with the time half of the whole “Space Time Continuum” thing. Wield the power of foreshadowing today a Chronographer!
Chronographers will eventually be able to specialize in past, present or future domains of temporal analysis and manipulation.
Fantasist
After analyzing your life stream it has been determined that you aren’t the best at making “real life” friends. As a Fantasist that problem will be a thing of the past as you will be able to summon both objects and allies using only the power of imagination! Live the dream and turn your imaginary friends into not so imaginary friends as a Fantasist!
Fantasists will eventually be able to specialize in either the quality or quantity of their formerly imaginary designs.
Discomancer
There are two things Discomancers love; dancing to the groove and the primal chaos underlying all things, and it is the discerning Discomancer who recognizes the similarity between them. As a Discomancer your powers will defy definition and prediction alike as you weave the primal “yang” to creation’s “yin” into destruction, funk, and everything in between. Touch, taste and WIELD the rainbow as a Discomancer!
Discomancers will eventually be able to specialize in something, probably, but you’d have to find out what for yourself.
> Please indicate your choice within the next minute. Failure to choose within the one-minute timeframe will result in the selection being made for you based on the system’s preference.
[ CHRONOGRAPHER ] - [ FANTASIST ] - [ DISCOMANCER ]
> 60 SECONDS REMAINING...
The wall of information overwhelmed me as I took in everything presented to me. I dared not linger on the sudden presence of Dev despite my wondering if it was a real person or some manifested entity made for dealing with me specifically. Instead I focused on the choice before me, sixty seconds was not a lot of time to make a choice like this, especially for someone like myself who enjoys planning out character builds in games and researching the advantages and disadvantages to each option. However, I definitely didn’t want the system to choose. If there’s one thing I’d learned from reading a bunch of web novels it was that you never let the system choose for you, if you could help it.
Time, chaos and imagination. The Chronographer was out, as I had a weird itching feeling at the thought of time manipulation and it just wasn’t something that appealed to me. The Fantasist was particularly interesting, especially that line about being able to summon both allies and objects. Despite the system’s implications of using the powers to fulfill my nerd fantasies it was really the prospect of creative freedom that interested me. The last choice, Discomancer, was one I was unsure of. The description was purposefully vague and the lack of information was both troubling and intriguing.
> 40 SECONDS REMAINING...
I’d never been good at making choices under pressure, so this was a bit of an anxiety inducing experience. I loved the idea of being able to think things into existence, after all, wasn’t that what magic was all about? On the other hand, there was something about the Discomancer class that appealed to me. I really wished there hadn’t been a time constraint and more information had been made available to me.
> 25 SECONDS REMAINING...
Time was running out, I had to choose something NOW or else I could get stuck with the time class, the irony of this humored me for the briefest of moments.
“Discomancer!”
You have chosen the Dance Dance Revolution class! Great choice, now you can funk your way to victory or just spin right round, baby!
Next, we need to have you choose an enhancement... The enhancement you choose will give you knowledge about your…
> ERROR
If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.
> WARNING: OVERRIDE
> INFORMATION REDACTED
> YOUR PERSONAL AGENT IS RECEIVING SPECIALIZED TRAINING
> PLEASE WAIT…
Mal, don’t be alarmed by this but we will not be continuing the usual setup. Things are good. It appears that you have a special benefactor. They are limiting use at this moment. They are super cool and stuff, honest. They just have control issues or something. You will be getting basic assistance: atmospheric, translation, encrypted translation, basic location information, some general facts answered and credits. He’s kinda being tightfisted but what do I know. I’m just your lowly limited personal agent. You know what Mal, screw this...
> PLEASE WAIT…
> YOUR PERSONAL AGENT IS TEMPTING FATE AND LOSING
> IT ISN’T LOOKING GOOD FOR DEV
Okay nevermind, forget I said anything. Moving on...
> Atmospheric Mana Shield Activated BOY ARE YOU LUCKY YOU DIDN’T NEED THIS BEFORE!
> Translation Mana Matrix (TMAX!) Activated
> You now have access to encrypted TMAX communication, to learn how to use it please consult your agent.
> Mana Map integrated, think about your mana map and it will appear.
There we go, you’re all set up Mal. Any questions?
> CONVERSATION TERMINATED
> THANK YOU FOR USING UNIVERSAL INTEGRATION SYSTEM
I looked into Chek’s face again. What the hell!! I didn't get any questions answered. I am no closer to understanding the Discomancer class, or how to use TMAX!!
“Bro lets go!” Saying this all four of them started for the door. I stumbled a bit with my first few steps. I caught myself on the doorway before following them. I lost my balance again when I stepped onto the ground. The red string gave way like a bouncy house and appeared to be wider than a football field. I need to start running if I am going to catch up to them.
With a huge smile I began to bounce and run. I felt like a kid again. My new life has turned into a classic adventure; new worlds, new beings, dragons, even a complex integrated system! Curiously I turned back at the ship and it had a green shimmery bubble around it. That’s most likely a shield. I wonder why it's green. Does the green indicate the type of shield? With each running bounce I got more and more curious about everything. It was like my mind was back at normal speed, if not a little faster. I wanted to take in every detail and was filled with so many questions.
I regarded the bright yellow ovals. Their exterior looked like textured stone or bricks. Are they potatoes or houses? It took everything in me to keep running, to not stop and examine everything. I cast my eyes downward to the red woven ground. It looked a little like red yarn does. Are those even tiny fabric like frays?
A booming voice snapped my gaze forwards, “Bleh Bleh Bleh, enjoy the taste.” I gawked at a horrifically pink furred, not scaled dragon. It had an alarmingly huge smile with massive fangs that dripped with orange and purple liquid. The liquid falling from their chin looked like every vampire show I ever watched. It just wasn’t red blood dripping from it. I slowed almost to a complete stop to stare. What was the liquid? Did they make it for their photobomb?
It’s head began descending and my self preservation kicked in so strongly that I ran past one of the guys. I couldn’t tell which one I had just run past. However, he must have been lingering back for my sake because he picked up his pace until we were running together. A glance behind showed the dragon still posed and not chasing after us. We continued running away from it.
Chek spoke as we ran, “That’s a sight I don’t wish to see again. We have had some really odd performances but not someone like that. Those potatoes screamed so loud! It almost got to me. I thought you would get paralyzed from that kind of primal scream.”
“Scream? What scream?” I asked him.
“You didn’t hear the scream? Maybe it was on a frequency you can’t hear.” He shrugged with palms up giving a dramatized shudder, “You're lucky that you didn’t even hear it.”
Maybe this was the atmospheric mana shield already working for me. I know any scream that would make a vengeance demon balk would terrify me.
We slowed catching up to the other three. They were stopped in what looked like a random location. I had no idea how far we had just run. Only that we had run far enough that we wouldn’t be stepped on when the dragon finally chose to leave. I glanced around searching for what had prompted them to stop. This batch of ground looked like the rest.
“Chek, you’re up mage. Bro, might I add you didn’t win!”
Chek moved forward to the front, “Look I would have won if I hadn’t slowed down for our new friend. You guys specifically made me promise to not use magic. You know I would have won otherwise.”
He interacted with his bracer before continuing, “I am not getting any other mana signature. This clue is ridiculous: ‘Do a little dance!’ Alright with just the portal mana signature I believe this clue is to be interpreted as literal dancing. Let’s just do every dance we can think of. We most likely don’t have enough time to debate dance moves. We may have taken a shortcut but that doesn’t mean none of the other competitors didn’t also access one.”
They each did various dance moves. I could innately tell they each had a different dance style. This was hopefully going to help them to complete this section. I started seeing repeated dance moves as they looked at each other hopefully.
As I got transfixed in critiquing their dance moves. Then I remembered watching a tiktok where a group of people did a bunch of old dance moves to a silly song. Wasn’t one of the dances called the Mashed Potato? It can’t be that, right? That would be absurd and way too obscure. I tried to recall the moves as the guys slowed down looking more perplexed. I focused on the memory and it became clearer. Not crystal clear but enough that I felt confident that I could mimic what I recalled the group doing during that section.
I closed my eyes searching for the beat of the song I had watched. I leaned a little forward on my toes then pivoted out both heels, then I lifted out my left leg a bit, brought my foot back, started again but lifted my right leg out. I felt the rhythm and started going faster.
My attention was broken from one of them saying, “Wait a minute did he just open the portal?”
I stopped while opening my eyes to find them gaping at me.
“Bro! What the hell was that dance?”
“It’s a dance from my world. Not a current dance however it is called…”
Before I could finish they were dragging me forward into a pulsing bright doorway.
We were greeted by a vast milky white desert stretched before us and above us a dark brown dome. The light faintly glowed from the ground. I knelt down touching the ground. “Woah, it feels like a smooth paste, kind of like mashed potatoes. How are we not sinking down? “
I stood up to find them absorbed in what I assumed was a notification of the next step in their quest.
One of them turned to me, “Really?” They lifted their legs up and down testing the ground. “That is interesting. The next clue is ‘butter get to the bottom of this’. Did anyone get a different hint?”
“No, bro, I didn’t get anything.”
“Yeah, I got ‘spread em’.”
“I didn’t get anything different. I say we use the Stark2500 to get to the glowing light below.”
They pulled out from their pockets polished brass oval guns that looked similar to phasers. I stood disbelieving as they changed the settings, before pointing their weapons at the ground. Bright green dots touched the surface like a cat's pointer toy. The ground didn’t stir, nothing changed except the green pointers roamed around the ground as if waiting for a pouncing cat.
“Bros, this isn't working, should we just each try a different setting?”
They nodded in agreement and I watched as they rotated through settings. Causing a light show of different colors to slide across the surface.
“Alright, obviously it's unaffected by the multitool. Chek, see if you have access to a local store?”
“I am in. It only offers some 'fancy cutlery’ and ‘mixed spices’. No butter or other condiments” he turned away from us and started dumping gigantic sized cutlery on the ground with some spice packets the size of a car. “Great, looks like we either get to season and eat the ground or we dig. Everyone, let's grab the spoon first and hope it's not the eating the ground option.”
I stood watching as all four of them maneuvered the gigantic spoon and began digging. They dug up some of the ground, putting it off to the side. They continued to dig for a bit then stopped. We gathered around and watched as the hole regenerated itself closed. The ground was level again.
Gage walked over inspecting the pile of utensils. “There's nothing suggesting these are a better choice, there is no butter knife. Let's read the spice packets before dumping them.”
Tregi stomped over to the packets and read them out loud, “Buddies we got salt, pepper, garlic, classic accent blend and Lena's Gobin Butter! Buttery flavored sprinkles for all occasions!”
As one they facepalmed before pointing their Stark2500’s at the huge spice packet of goblin butter. The smell of butter and spices hit me as the ground melted where the buttery sprinkles landed. Once the packet was empty we walked over to look down into a hole it had created. The spices had been converted into handholds for us to use. The off white transparent passageway looked like it was made of translucent plastic.
They file down in the tunnel with Gege stopping before getting in, “Hey, you should go before me just encase there is a quest condition we aren’t aware of ”
I stepped down into the makeshift spice ladder, glad the light hadn’t vanished. The aroma of the spice packet was overwhelming, nauseatingly so. With the rhythm of stepping down my mind started contemplating what the system assistant had told me and more importantly what it hadn’t told me. The system acknowledged Claeffen as my benefactor. That has to be a good sign. I do wonder what the limiting and tight-fisted comments were about. Did I have access to a store like Chek did? Did they all have access or can only mages can access it? I wanted to reach out and touch my bracer to find out. However, at the moment I reached my hand to my bracer, Gage accidentally stepped on my head.
“Ouh, I am going”
“Sorry I thought we were in step. Is everything okay? Have we gotten to the bottom floor yet?” he asked me.
“No we haven't, it's my fault I got a bit distracted.” I peaked down to make sure I didn't do the exact same thing. I then started back down on the makeshift ladder.