While traveling towards the designated area on the innkeeper's map to fetch him some weeds, Arata cought a serious case of byronic monologuing. He gradually began to speak in a deep husky voice with a smidge of classic film-noir-detective tone to spice it up.
"The woods in my world always vexed me. I could see the artificially imposed rules which held back the true, beautiful, chaotic dumpsterfire that is the nature. But I take a great comfort in the forests of this world, they are wild and unbound, on every step vibrant with the breath of life, yet to be chained, suffocated and mangled by the humankind, tainted by our human filth."
After an hour or so of similar gibberish, Jazz could bear no longer Arata's pseudo-artistic melancholy and snapped.
"What the hell are you on about? Who do you think paved this road? Dears?! Also, you spewed that bullshit while walking DIRECTLY past four lumberjack huts and a sawmill, are you blind?!"
Jazz realized that his eruption didn't exactly align with the brand he tried to make for himself and rapidly changed his demeanor.
*Ehm*
"Mayhaps your feeble mortal self couldn't handle just a speck of favour and attention of a magnificently glamorous eternal being, such as myself. On a second thought, it's not that big of a surprise." *heh*
He quickly tried to reconsolidate his snarky prick-god image.
"How dare you insult my awesome introspection-through-extrospection character-establishing world-building rant! I was really proud of it too, but now my artistic spark has been extinguished thanks to you, you uncultured swine!" Arata felt gravely grieved.
Jazz sighed as he materialised in his glorious chibi-unicorn form and put a hoof on Arata's shoulder, looking straight into his eyes.
"I'm sorry but someone needs to tell you the truth. There are only two reasons why I didn't left you in this forest because of that awful, utterly repulsive, boring monologue. The first one, because I consider you as my only friend and the second, because I physically can't do so. So for the love of god/me, I beg you, never do that in front of anyone ever again, please."
Arata knew he was completely serious and for the first time, actually believed that Jazz was sincere.
"Fine, I promise I won't." The dejected poet swore with misty eyes that he shall abstain from the bane of men, the dreadful monologuing for the rest of his life.
...
"Who would have thought that the first thing I do in another world would be a bad MMORPG sidequest. Honestly, I don't even know why he couldn't just send someone from his pub instead of a random stranger he just met."
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"Yeah I bet he just took pity on you ... or he'd like to tap that bodacious booty of yours."
*Gulp* Arata struggled to bleach out that distressing thought.
"A.. Anyway how close are we to the 'prime blundermuff hot spot'?"
"It's called blunderdruff."
"Whatever, Who gives a sh-"
In a blink of an eye bunch of men jumped out of the bushes alongside the road.
"Put your hands up, you selftalkin' weirdo!"
Arata throwed up his arms with lighting speed.
"So let me guess, you're a highwaymen and I'm being mugged right now."
"Noooo, *pfff* We are the Anti-bandit company! Please, allow us to introduce ourselves."
"This lad is Murderin' Mike" he pointed at a guy behind him who looked more like a gorilla rather than a human.
"He's the head of security."
The beast let out a loud *Hmph*
"This fine chap is Shankin' Shaun, he's in charge of customer support."
*Heheee* the scrawny rat-man, that was apparently called Shaun, polished his glimmering dagger.
"And this is Bob."
"Hello!" He looked like an embodiment of mediocrity in every conceivable way.
"And he is ...?"
"WE DON'T TALK ABOUT BOB!" Shouted out the introducing not-a-robber. After regaining his composure he continued his speech.
"My name is Vulture Cape. I am the CEO of Anti-bandit company or for short, the ABC."
That's real awful acronym.
"So this is NOT a robbery, right?"
"Exactly! This is voluntary crowdfunding road checkpoint. Behold! We even have the dukedom's seal of approval!' he proudly shoved the fancy pergamen into Arata's face.
"I'm glad that's the case, because I can't pay."
"Oh but you want to pay. We even offer badges and donation tiers. Of course, even a small amount of coin can help in the fight against bandits. For the low low price of just one gold coin we offer a bronze backer badge with a year-long guarantee of being not-murdered-in-the-woods by bandits."
"How's that possible?"
"Ehh... They will be scared of retaliation by the ABCs."
"And for 10 gold coins you can buy the premium VIP year-long gold badge subscription. With this kind of service you'll not be robbed at all!"
"Same reasoning?"
"Yeah, precisely. Everybody knows the ABCs!"
I'm willing to guess that quite a few of these exquisite mongrels don't know the 'ABCs' *heh* whispered Jazz in Arata's mind.
"I probably should have told you before that whole salesman pitch, but I really don't have anything."
"Then you should negotiate a custom deal with my henchm- the customer support! "Right Shankin' Shaun?"
"Of course, boss."
Shaun brought a small table with two tree stumps out of an extraordinary thorny bush.
"So you are foreigner, eh?"
He sat down and started to tend to his bush-induced injuries.
"You could say that, sir."
*Hmmm* "Friends call me Shasha, are you interested in knives and swords, youngin'?"
A bit weird question but we should be nice to negotiate the best possible deal.
"Yeah, I guess I like them."
"Oh, then you should take a look at this bad boy! he's like my baby. Do you feel the comfy handle and the perfect balance?" Shasha half-reluctantly half-happily handed Arata his precious dagger.
*mmm*
"I love it, it's strangely soothing." Arata gently caressed the edge of the blade with his index finger.
Ah now I see! You're BOTH freaks!
"OH NO, HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME! SAVE ME MIKE!"
"Wha-"
*Bang*
A strong blow to the back of Arata's head blurred his vision. Only high-pitched *beep* and a deep distant chuckle echoed in his ears as Arata's consciousness slowly faded away.