"So, you wish to air your thoughts about our Harbinger?" Elise asked as she sat across from Olivia at the table in Olivia's room while Mary served tea, and Olivia fought to control her nerves. The weeks spent in the room were wearing Olivia down and she desperately wanted someone to talk to about her worries. She had spoken with Mary plenty during her stay, and she conversed with Lucina during dinners, but the gnawing of the seemingly shrinking walls made Olivia restless and craved for others to talk to. Since the other maids acted cautious when interacting with her, Olivia decided to seek the help of a priest who might show some neutrality.
"Yes." Lucina had gone out to check the situation in the capital for James' wedding so she wouldn't be able to interrupt Olivia and Elise's conversation. Olivia's hands trembled as she picked up her cup and tried to drink as calmly as she could. "I'm…hoping you could help me with some troubles and offer advice."
Elise kept a relaxed and friendly demeanor as she made sure to clarify, "While I will certainly do my best to help and am more than willing to listen, I hope you can understand my position as I won't stand against our Harbinger."
"That's fine," Olivia agreed with a nod. "You don't have to go against her…just…"
"Please, feel free to speak openly, Lady Olivia," Elise chuckled to lighten the mood. "I will not attack you for saying bad things about our Harbinger, or by thinking poorly of her."
"…I wasn't going to go that far," Olivia nervously mumbled. Everyone in the mansion was Lucina's person, but Olivia couldn't handle the lack of human interactions so she was willing to take the risk.
"Really?" Elise sounded genuinely confused and asked for clarification, "I was under the impression you hated our Harbinger." There was no malice in Elise's voice, just curiosity.
"I don't hate her," Olivia flatly clarified.
"Hmm." Elise stayed silent for a few moments as she thought over her next words carefully, before asking, "Then, what do you think of our Harbinger?"
"…" Olivia opened her mouth to respond but words failed to come out. How did she feel about Lucina? "I…don't hate her." She hesitated for a moment before adding, "Even though she enslaved me…and went behind my back… I can kind of see why she did it."
"…" Mary fidgeted uncomfortably at Olivia's admission but stayed respectfully quiet.
Elise noticed Mary's discomfort, but ignored it and pressed, "Even if you see her reasons, that doesn't mean you agree with them and don't feel hurt."
"…" Olivia stayed silent.
"As a Daughter of our Hearth Mother, matters of the heart and navigating them are part of my sacred duties." Elise sipped some of her tea and tried to show as relaxed body language as she could to put Olivia at ease. "It's perfectly normal to dislike someone who betrayed you."
"Exactly!" Olivia agreed while subconsciously scratching at the arms of her chair because of her mounting anxiety.
"But you don't hate her?"
"Lucina's…troubled." Olivia paused, expecting to get rebuked, but Elise remained quiet to let Olivia continue. "She was forced into war as a kid…and it's my fault even though she says it isn't."
Elise had an inkling of where this was going so she asked a probing question, "Do you think she's lying to you?"
"She has every right to hate me," Olivia justified.
"So, she's lying to you and secretly hates you?"
"…I failed her." Olivia avoided giving a direct answer.
"If our Harbinger truly hated you, then she has a very strange way of showing it," Elise said as a memory crossed her mind and caused her to chuckle. Olivia was giving her a confused look, so Elise explained, "As you know, I served with our Harbinger during the war. I was the one who vouched for her being the Harbinger of Zulm. And speaking from personal experience, our Harbinger never once hated you."
"How could you tell?" Olivia was unconvinced but was curious about what Elise had to say.
"Because the closer she got to the gods, the more she saw you," Elise said and gave Olivia a warm smile.
"…What does that mean?" Olivia had heard that expression used before, 'closer to the gods', but didn't know what that entailed.
Elise took a moment to think about her explanation and tapped her chin in thought, then said, "There's a phenomenon that happens to Magisters that open themselves to the power of the gods that we call getting closer to them. When a Magister gets closer to the gods they are granted boons that usually take the form of increased magic reserves, knowledge of powerful spells, or some other insights into the world. Just as the gods shape our world with magic, so too do Magisters. As a Magister's power and faith increase, they become closer to the gods." Elise took a long sip of tea after her explanation to allow Olivia to take in her words.
"But, what does that have to do with 'seeing me'?" Olivia's original curiosity wasn't sated.
"It's a quite literal statement," Elise said. She gestured to Olivia and said, "The gods experience our world differently than you or I, so when we get closer to them, our world starts to shift and break. The most common form of break is seeing and hearing things that aren't there."
"…What?"
"It's hotly debated on whether or not the ones we see are guides sent by the gods to help us on our path to enlightenment or demons meant to act as a test to try and steer us down the wrong path. Personally, I feel they are guides trying to help us achieve our heart's desires and they take the form of those we know to do it with a familiar face."
"…" That just sounded like schizophrenia to Olivia. And, thinking back to how Lucina started behaving after the war, new guilt stuck itself into Olivia's heart. "And Lucina's guide…was me?"
"Yes," Elise happily declared which made Olivia want to puke. "After her awakening as our Harbinger, she was often seen conversing with the air and would say your name, so I can safely assume her guide took your form… Is something wrong?" Elise saw how pale Olivia's face was becoming but didn't understand why.
"Are you alright, my Lady?" Mary also took note and moved to comfort Olivia. "Are you sick?"
"Mary?" Olivia turned to Mary and asked, "How common is schizophrenia? Is there some cure for it, like with herbs or magic!?"
"Schizo…what?" Mary put her hand on Olivia's forehead to check her temperature, and asked, "Is that some disease? Are you sick with a new disease!?"
"Let me check," Elise became serious at Olivia's deteriorating state and gently grasped one of Olivia's hands. A soft white light enveloped their hands that provided a calming warmth as Elise sent her life magic through Olivia to try and see what was wrong. "I can't feel any illnesses." The walls of the room started shrinking.
"N-No!" Olivia tried to clarify, "I mean Lucina! Lucina's the one who's sick!" The room felt smaller and it was getting hard to breathe.
"Our Harbinger is in perfect health," Elise said to try and calm Olivia down. "I've checked her myself."
"…" Olivia was once more hit with the reality of living in a medieval fantasy world; mental health was a pseudoscience at best or a religious phenomenon at worst. These people had no idea about brain chemistry and were seemingly chalking up a serious problem as a boon granted by the gods.
"If you're worried about her guide steering her down the wrong path, then you have nothing to worry about!" Elise tried a different approach to help Olivia. "Our Harbinger has already reached her enlightenment and no longer needs her guide!"
"What does that mean!?" Olivia wanted to get out of the room.
"I haven't heard her speak with her guide in years!" Elise kept holding Olivia's hands and Mary kept hers on Olivia's shoulders. "While many clergy never reach true enlightenment, there are cases where a Magister reaches enlightenment and stops seeing their guide as they are no longer necessary! The Voices are the leaders of our temples living in R'eldrun who have reached this state of mind, so this shows how blessed our Harbinger is."
"I broke her!" Why was the room so small? Would it crush her?
"You saved her!" Elise shouted to snap Olivia out of her deteriorating thoughts. Her brilliant red eyes stared with an intense warmth into Olivia's fracturing blue pools as Elise poured her life magic into Olivia to force her heart to slow down. Olivia's panic attack was 'healed' as a warm embrace constricted and controlled her heartbeat that forced her to breathe slower; a skill Elise picked up to treat her fellow Hellhound's panic attacks during the war. "Throughout the war, our Harbinger was like a dog being yanked around by its leash without a care in the world. Our world was nothing but blood and battle, and she had nothing to live for; except for one thing!" Elise's grip loosened around Olivia's hands and she lowered her voice to a more gentle, kind tone. "Your letters."
This book's true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.
"…My letters?" The walls seemed to recede as Olivia's mind was distracted, and her heart was brought to rest and calmed down. She was lost in Elise's scarlet eyes that seemed to be putting her mind at ease.
"Whenever Hopper, our mail boy, brought a letter from you, our Harbinger's face lit up like the stars in the sky. She smiled! Even when she lost her ability to write, she still smiled an innocent smile whenever your letters came, and I can still remember the absolute joy in her voice when she learned you would still send her letters even without receiving a reply. Her guide took your form because that is how deeply embedded you are in her heart." Elise spoke with complete confidence and certainty as she told Olivia, "You are the reason she made it back."
"…" Olivia's heart conflicted with her mind, once again. Her voice quivered as she spoke, "But…I-"
"Lady Olivia," Elise interrupted as she saw the circle Olivia was stuck in. "While I won't force you, or even try to convince you, to accept our Harbinger's feelings for you as that is solely your right… I will ask that you please don't deny their existence."
"Deny…their existence?" Olivia's hands trembled as she tried to comprehend what Elise was asking.
"No matter what is said or done, you seem set on believing that our Harbinger holds some kind of hatred toward you; that it is impossible for her to love you. And while I admit that her display of courtship is rather lacking," her eyes moved to the collar around Olivia's neck, "I don't think her words are completely lost upon you, right?"
"…" Olivia pursed her lips at her conflicting thoughts but didn't deny Elise's words.
"Even if you don't accept it, denying the existence of love is a spit in the face of our Hearth Mother." Elise let her words hang in the air for a few moments, before continuing, "Our Harbinger, someone whom all in the land should look up to and revere, is most commonly known across the empire as the imperial family's dog that betrayed her closest friend because she couldn't contain her lust. Her reputation, outside of Solfin, is in the dirt because of her actions at her graduation…and she helped stomp it down so that you could live. Those are not the actions of someone who hates you."
"…" Olivia's head hung low as her mind went over Elise's words.
"But, again, just because someone loves you and acts for you without your knowledge doesn't mean you are required to return it." Elise let go of Olivia's hands and returned to her seat. "Returning love because you feel 'responsible to' will only lead to suffering." She gave Olivia a smile and finished with, "It's your life, after all."
"…Thank you, Elise," Olivia finally spoke as she wanted to properly convey her feelings. Everything Elise said made sense and Olivia being alone with her own thoughts only led to her going in circles. Mary was outright against Lucina, and Lucina kept herself in check to not cross any more lines, so to hear a neutral explanation from Elise was a welcome reprieve.
"As a faithful Daughter of our Hearth Mother, I am more than happy to lend an ear and voice to your worries."
"Honestly, I'm a bit surprised you're so open about this," Olivia admitted while nervously scratching the back of her head. "I thought you would try to lynch me for being Lucina's gay love interest."
Elise flinched and her smile faded to a confused frown, and she asked, "Why would you think that?"
"I mean, Lady Alm is the patron of families, right?" Olivia was also getting confused by Elise's confusion. "Lineages and births? A gay couple can't give birth so their lineage can't continue."
"…Oh!" Elise suddenly had a realization and started to laugh.
"…?" Olivia looked questioningly at Mary, who returned Olivia's puzzled look with one of her own.
"It seems our Harbinger truly is a terrible romantic for not telling you," Elise laughed. "Perhaps she didn't want to pressure you with the knowledge as well as her feelings at the same time, or she completely forgot about your incomplete schooling."
"Incomplete?"
Mary spoke up to clarify to Elise, "My Lady received the best tutors the imperial family could find. What could be incomplete about her upbringing?"
Elise smiled, and answered, "Because the imperial family would never teach that homosexuality was, at one point in history, a commonly accepted and open concept before it was banned by the royal family at the time."
"!?!" Olivia and Mary both looked bewildered, and Olivia asked, "It…was?"
"Yes." Elise took on the tone and posture of a teacher giving a lecture. "It was…I think just over two hundred years ago now that the king at the time, Liandra Arlexton II, was looking for a queen. Liandra was an ambitious woman who beat out her two older brothers for the throne and would eventually go on to be a great king loved by the masses, but where the history books differ from the texts stored in R'eldrun is about Liandra's queen." Elise placed a hand on her chest and proudly stated, "As someone who once aspired to be an Elder of Alm, I had to pour over many texts, rites, and rituals which is when I learned of this story and the buried history of homosexuality of Urldrusk. Liandra didn't want to marry her husband, she had a one-sided love with her maid."
"…!" Olivia and Mary's cheeks flushed at the risqué story, but they both looked captivated; Olivia openly so while Mary pretended to not find it interesting. Olivia was also reminded that noble titles, including the imperial family's, weren't tied to a specific gender.
Elise chuckled at their responses before continuing her story, "While Liandra was open about her love, the maid was only from a baron's family that wouldn't bring much benefit to the royal family which is why it was rejected by many nobles. The bickering of the nobles was already putting Liandra on edge, but what finally pushed her into action was learning that her maid was actually being courted by a female knight! And what made it worse was that the maid was reciprocating the knight's feelings, both families agreed to their love, and they were planning an engagement between them." Elise took another sip of tea to wet her throat. "Enraged, Liandra couldn't stand being rebuked like that, so she used her authority to ban same-sex marriage."
"She what!?" Olivia was stunned by the pettiness and wondered if this kind of brash behavior was genetic.
"If she couldn't be her maid's lover, then she would make sure no woman could and even forced the maid to marry a man," Elise playfully said with a smile. "While no one looks for it since no one has a reason to, you can find the law and the date it was put into place by checking with the palace's administration staff. R'eldrun also has copies of the letters of discontent they sent to Liandra about the law, as well as all the letters she sent back telling them she wouldn't repeal it. This act of 'defiance' by the temples also angered Liandra to start burying all mention of homosexuality from history books, which is why you won't learn about it unless you receive an upbringing by a follower of our Hearth Mother. And even then, the follower in question would need to have learned about the old ways, and see signs of their pupil's sexual preference as they grew up before even thinking about broaching the subject. Our Harbinger only knows about it since Jeremy and I did our best to help our Harbinger make up for the two years of tutoring she lost at war. I had already noticed the signs of her love for you which is why I told her this story."
"So…it's not that it's a sin to be gay, but that it's against the law?"
"Only marriage," Elise clarified. "The law specifically calls out marriage. You're free to love whoever you want, but nothing can ever legally become of it with children being relegated to the birth parent's family line as a bastard. This stipulation led people to not pursue their love over their family's well-being, and eventually, the concept faded into obscurity with the help of censoring the history books."
Still unconvinced, Olivia asked, "Then, what about children?"
"That is where our Hearth Mother shows her affection for all humanity!" Elise excitedly proclaimed like a true preacher. "In the old days, followers of our Hearth Mother could perform a ritual that would allow same-sex couples to produce offspring. With the decline of same-sex relations, the ritual became obscure and is now only taught to Elder initiates, like me, so that we may keep all our traditions alive even if they are shunned by the crown. Some still hold same-sex lovers, but those traditionalists are few and far between."
"…How would that work?" Olivia tried to wrap her head around the concept.
"It's quite simple," Elise said while giving a dismissive wave of her hand. "During sex, the ritual takes a part of one partner's life essence and gives it to the other. The 'mother' is decided when the ritual is first performed before the act takes place and it is a guaranteed impregnation. Women have it easy since the baby is born like any other birth, but for men, I read it was quite painful and often ended in death with a mortality rate of about forty percent."
"…Huh?" Olivia's mind blanked.
"It was written that a child birthed to two gay men would be raised in a home filled with boundless love because of the increased struggles and risks during birth compared to two women. Even if the 'mother' died during birth due to complications, the remaining father was commonly recorded as becoming an overly dotting parent." Elise pondered the texts she read and tried to explain, "Since a man gives birth through their pe-"
"Stop!" Olivia's face couldn't get any more red, and she desperately didn't want to hear the end of Elise's explanation.
"…I digress," Elise, thankfully for Olivia, dropped the explanation. "Now, since you're more informed about how the world works; what will you do?"
"A-About?" Olivia was still distracted by their previous conversation that she completely forgot why it was originally brought up.
"About denying the existence of our Harbinger's feelings for you?"
"…Ah." Olivia's face returned to a normal color as she refocused her mind on what had been troubling her all this time. What did she feel about Lucina and her love?
After a few moments of silence that didn't seem like they would end, Elise spoke up, "If I may offer a suggestion?"
"…What is it?"
"While this may…is cruel, why not test both your feelings?"
"Test?" Olivia cocked an eyebrow at the suggestion.
Elise elaborated, "It's clear that you still hold doubts about your heart, and our Harbinger's, so why not test them yourself to find where your feelings lie?"
"…What kind of test did you have in mind?" Olivia felt a little nervous but also wanted a genuine suggestion.
"It is, without a doubt, a fact that our Harbinger will listen to you," Elise began and gestured to Olivia. "If you tell her to do something that won't put you in danger, she will do it, and the same can be said if you tell her not to do something… So why not try seducing her?"
"What!?" both Olivia and Mary screamed in unison. Mary argued, "That's no different from telling her to accept those advances!"
"Unless Lady Olivia tells her to stop," Elise calmly clarified. She looked Olivia dead in the eyes and stated, "Words alone won't solve your heart, and neither will remaining silent in your own head, only action will be able to bring you the closure you seem to want. If you try to seduce our Harbinger only to find your heart rejecting it, then you will have clear proof of your feelings. At that point, you can firmly reject our Harbinger who, I fully believe, will respect the decision and back off. And if you don't feel disgust in your heart…then you can go from there."
"…Why are you suggesting that?" Olivia's voice was oddly cold as she stared down Elise. "You're asking me to play with her feelings, to get her hopes up like that only to possibly tear them down?"
"Aren't you already doing that?" Elise pushed.
"That-!?" Olivia tried to explain.
But Elise cut her off, and offered, "The fact you're so unwilling to play with her like that while also not wanting to outright reject her feelings is also a kind of answer." Elise calmly sat in her seat and drank her tea while Olivia calmed down and sorted through her muddled mind and heart. There was fear, but also a kind of longing. Olivia couldn't deny that Lucina had thrown away so much for her…but as Elise said: returning love just because of feeling 'responsible' wouldn't lead to either of them finding happiness.
"…" Either. Even now with a metal slave collar around her neck, Olivia wanted Lucina to also find happiness. Despite the differences of thought and the constant misunderstandings on Olivia's part, Lucina never gave up on her even when Olivia pushed her away. Lucina could easily use the slave collar to order her to do all sorts of acts, but she never did because she respected Olivia and refused to do so just to sate her own desires. Even if there was hate for what happened in the past, it was being overwritten by the love she had for Olivia. And now that Olivia was truly searching through her feelings, she came to an understanding. She wanted to see Lucina smile and she wanted that smile...to be for her. Falling asleep in each other's arms as kids, sharing their deepest secrets, offering a shoulder to lean on and a gentle word when distressed; through it all, Lucina was always by her side. But was this feeling romantic love? If it was, then was it genuine, or just the room getting to her and twisting her feelings? "…I-"
"Olivia!?" Suddenly, Lucina burst into the room while still wearing her commoner disguise and she ran over to Olivia. "Are you okay?"
"!!!" Startled, Olivia looked up at Lucina and saw the panic etched into Lucina's face as she desperately looked over Olivia. "I-I'm fine?!"
"Were you injured!? Did one of those fucks get into the mansion while I was gone!?" Lucina wasn't calming down, but she also was obviously holding back. She wanted to check on Olivia but didn't want to touch her and make her uncomfortable.
"I'm fine!" Olivia realized why Lucina was panicking. "I just asked Elise to talk since I was bored!" Elise was a follower of Alm who possessed healing magic, so the thought of Olivia specifically calling for the mansion's only healer made Lucina think the worst.
"…You did?" Lucina stopped panicking and looked over to Elise for confirmation.
"It's true," Elise playfully chuckled as she watched Lucina's reactions. "Staying cooped up with only two people to talk to was getting dull, so Lady Olivia asked if I could spare her some time to keep her company over tea."
"Tea…" Lucina finally noticed the tea set on the table. "Just tea…"
"Lucina!?" Olivia got up when Lucina suddenly collapsed to her knees.
"It was just tea." Lucina's voice was filled with relief and her body trembled as her anxiety dissipated, and she whispered, "Just tea."
"…"
Collecting herself, Lucina stood up and said, "I'm sorry for the scare and barging into the room." She completely hid her feelings behind a calm mask. "I'll go get changed and get out of your way." Lucina turned to leave the room as fast as she could without looking panicked.
"…Lucina?" Olivia wanted to know what the feelings in her heart were.
"Yes?" Lucina stopped in the doorway and turned around.
"I'd…like to have dinner separately, tonight." Before Lucina's face could break, Olivia clarified, "But after…I'd like you to come to the room to…talk about something."
"…Okay." Lucina had no idea what had happened while she was gone, but the concerned look on Mary's face and the calm look on Elise's made Lucina feel uneasy.
***
"Just what did they talk about?" I walked through the hall leading to Olivia's room and couldn't get the question out of my head. Once Elise was done, I immediately started asking her about what she discussed with Olivia but she didn't budge and just told me to wait until after dinner. I couldn't even force anything down since it would just come right back up…my nerves are killing me, but I have to hold them in. Tonight might be the night I finally get rejected…
"…" A soft wind blew against the windows as I continued down the hall. I waited until Olivia called for me before coming, and it was rather late with Sailest's light softly illuminating the hall as the night sky was completely clear. Even those annoying shadows James sent could be seen skulking in the trees. Their eyes always watching me. Waiting for me to slip up… I reached the door… Can I contain myself if she rejects me? I wish she would wait until the Royal Grace was up so I could give her more freedom to move around and get away from me. Can we continue like this if she does this now? Can I keep my promise to stop myself? I knocked.
"It's me." I'm scared.
"…Come in." I don't want to. My hand trembled on the handle. I don't want to open the door…but…
"What did you want to talk abo-…!?!" !?!
"Don't just stand there…come in and close the door." A single candle sitting on the nightstand barely lit the corner of the room and only partially illuminated Olivia who was standing by a tall mirror that she moved next to it. She was…wearing her nightgown and standing by the candle… Her body's silhouette…through the gown… "Could you…please come in and shut the door?" What did you and Elise talk about!?!?