“That’s two Lambos!” I yelped.

“Umm… say again?” Dr. Tiesenga said.

“That’s… shit. Really? $600,000? That’s a lot of scratch,” I said, tasting blood on the inside of my cheek.

“I shouldn’t have said anything. Are you sure you’re the one I should be talking to? Is your dad arou—”

“No, actually my dad isn’t around, he’s dead. Thanks, Dr. Asshole.”

“Hey, whoa whoa whoa. I’m simply the care provider. I don’t set prices.”

“Well you’re the one who did the fucking surgery. I didn’t ASK you to open her up.”

Dr. Tiesenga exhaled. “Would you prefer that I let your mother die?”

“No! And that’s not funny, doctor, I’m clearly going through a hard time, and I don’t appreciate your attitude. It’s not very professional.”

“Well, I’m just working with what I’m getting.”

I wound up and threw a punch. I punched the doctor right in the eye.

“Ow! You FUCKING asshole.”

“You’re a fucking asshole, and a thief.” I said.

The doctor stopped playing any kind of nice. He bee-lined it to the nurses’ station. “You’re done. Nurse, call security, get this fucking kid outta here.”

“I mean you’re really gonna steal $600,000 from my mom’s pocket?”

“I’M NOT stealing…” he cleared his throat and lowered his voice before continuing. There were people in the hall staring at us. “I’m not stealing anything from anyone. I’m the care provi- Why am I talking to you? NURSE!”

“Hey, hey, what’s This all bout then? Hey Doc ‘senga, y’alright?” said a man in funny accent and a grey suit. He looked absolutely dapper. Someone was dropping Bitcoin at Men’s Warehouse.

“This little shit just popped me in the eye, and his ass is out of here.”

“What, this little gooba? Get pissed. Eee couldn’t hurt a fly. Plus, you’ve been knocking on those boxing classes with the other docs? I’m keen he couldn’t clip ya!” Dr. Tiesenga’s tone shifted. He seemed embarrassed. “Plus, I gotchya lunch here waiting in your office, Pork Filletino. Just what the doctor ordered, isn’t it. Waiting to chat you up about that Blincyto.”

Dr. Tiesenga wiped the rage off his face. “Fine. This is Mrs. Woj’s son. He’s your problem now.”

A hand was in my face in two seconds. “Ey mate. Call me Phineas.”

This dude, Phineas whoever-he-was, was straight out of a movie. He had hair with a knot on top, and a smile that just screamed cool. He knelt to meet me at my level. I didn’t shake. “Mate, I’m real sorry fa whatchya going on with. I’m the insurance rep, and I’d like to go ova the costs on ya mom’s treatment. Do ya fancy that?”

I got so mad, and then, looking at this dude’s face, I felt kind of tired. I definitely felt a little better hearin’ his cool ass talk, even though I was pretty sure I hadn’t heard the worst of the news. I just nodded and decided to shut up.

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

“Alright, let’s chat private in your mom’s room.” He offered me a chair. I sat.

“Okay, and to whom do I have the pleasure of addressin?”

“Call me Hefty.”

“Hefty?” he said, pulling out an iPad. “Bloody brilliant name, eh Heft. I or Y?”

“Y,” I replied.

“Right… and you’re Ol’ mom’s son, yea?”

“Look, can you cut the shit? I get it, I’m a kid, but don’t baby me. This doc is saying $600,000.”

“Whoa… did he?”

“Is it less?”

“Well, it’s hard to tell, especially since ya mom is still recov’ring. We’ll have a better knowledge once she wakes and get’s on, but it’s not lookin’ peachy. I’m sure the docta gave ya some diagnosis.”

“Yea, and said a bunch of words I didn’t understand.”

“Well then let me explain. Your mom, course, has Leukemiar, and now it ‘ppears she’s gettin’ something called Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. D’ya know what’s all goin’ on in her body?”

I wanted to seem smart, but I just shook my head.

Phineas loosened his tie. “Right, so atop ‘er blood cancer, she has an infection to her mucous membrane. Her skin’s starting to react all funny. It’s uber serious. We’re still findin’ out results, but it’s gonna get worse. We’ve caught it mildly late, and that’s not good. Over the next days, even weeks, your mom will change.… So, as the doctor discussed, there are experimental procedures we’re investigatin’, which will be hard on your mom. We’re stayin’ in light spirits, cause that’s the best thing ta do ‘n a situation like this. If you don’t mind answering some questions fa me, real quick: she smoke?” I shook my head.

“Well that’s good. D’ya smoke, Ol’ Heft?”

I hesitated and shook my head again.

“Well, between you and me, I can smell the ciggies on ya breath. Nasty habit,that. Ya should quit. I can recommend ya some products to help.” This dude was a genius at making you feel good about being caught. I wished he were my dad.

“So what is ya mom’s occupation?”

“She… ugh… she runs a business,” I said looking down.

“A business, yea? What kinda business?”

“A textbook company?”

“Oh really? What’s it named?”

“Fun and Facts.”

“Oh,” he said, no longer impressed and typing. “… and Facts. And she workin’ full-time?”

“I mean, no, she like, cooks dinner, and watches TV at night. and sleeps, you know.”

“I see. Okay. And her monthly income, d’ya know a thing or two about that?”

“Um… I really don’t know.”

“Right. No worries. We at Ameritas Health have a killer team. We can pull through records and get all the check-checks done.”

Phineas zoned me out for a solid 5 minutes. He was thumbing away at his iPad. I wanted to speak, but I didn’t have anything to say. I glanced at Mom. She looked like absolute hell. Phineas put the iPad to his chest. He was hiding the screen.

“Now Ol’ Heft, I know today’s probably the worst day a ya life. I’m sorry bout that. I just wanna make that 100% clear. I’m abouta show ya the numba we’re calculatin’. Now this is just a numba, and the real cost will waver dependin’ on ol’ mom’s progress. Ya ready?”

I nodded. I could taste blood on my cheek again.

He turned the tablet and showed me the image:

$715,000.

“That’s BULLshit.”

“Sorry mate.”

“That’s more than the doctor said.”

“So sorry.”

“That’s like 3 lambos!”

“I’m… what?”

“Lambos, Lamborghinis? What, are you hospital people retarded?”

“LamboOOOh, Haha, There’s an economics lesson.”

“You’re full of shit.”

“Again mate, it ain’t personal.”

“What, just cause she can’t have good working blood everyone’s gotta go broke?”

“D’ya think there’ll be a problem in the payment?”

“No… I mean… what do you mean?”

“Well, we got lots a payment plans and options, but we can’t start treatment before we can agree on how your mom will be able to cover the cost.”

“Well…”

“Well…”

I paused and checked Phineas. I looked him up and down. I leaned in, like I was going to sell him drugs. “Do you take Bitcoin?”

“Bitcoin?”

“Yea, Bitcoin.”

“Like, that internet money?”

“Yea. It’s a Cryptocurrency.”

“…hmm… not sure how to tell you this. not a hundred percent on it, but I’m about 99.9% sure we don’t accept no Bitcoin.”

I looked down. Thinking. Thinking.

“Okay. Okay. Well, yea… yea, I think that we can do that.”

“S… Splendid.… ya confident that the payment can be covered?”

“Yeeaaaaaaa….” I said. We exchanged looks, and he pocketed his iPad.

“Well, then I guess we’ll have a go from here. We’ll be sending paperwork through email, and once ya mom’s all better, we’ll revisit this. Is’re anythin’ more I can do fer ya now?”

I shook my head.

“Well, again I’m so sorry, and hey Ol’ Heft?”

I looked up.

“Try ‘n go out for a jog sometime, hey. Best way to avoid seeing my ugly mug when you get all old n’ crusty. We don’t make a pill for that just yet.”

I racked my brains for something, any kind of comeback. I had nothin’.