Synopsis
What if everyone in the world gave you $1?
That’s what Hefty, a fat and cocky 14-year-old computer hacker tries to do. He bets on Bitcoin, and becomes a millionaire. Nevertheless, it’s short lived because Hefty is under the beck and call of his BPD mom. Hefty’s mom has leukemia. After seeing his mom’s hospital bill, he goes full tilt on the internet, selling crazy things on the Dark Web, like drones, drugs, and guns.
And under his nose, someone’s been watching Hefty.
Before he knows it, he’s abducted by ISIS and transported to Syria. ISIS’s chief tech officer was blown apart in an airstrike. All of ISIS’s money freshly minted into Cryptocurrencies. The passcodes in his mind blew up with the airstrike. The King of ISIS, forces Hefty to find the passcodes. At gunpoint, Hefty can’t say no, but tricks the King. The King makes a deal with him: If Hefty gets the money off the server, he gets to keep his life (and 10%). Hefty agrees and sees the amount from his 10%: $1.1 Billion in BTC.
Drunk with money, Hefty joins the King and naively agrees to help ISIS, and starts buying everything he’s always wanted.
He still misses home though, and after a google search brings up his mom, he throws bread crumbs through the internet. He creates digital trails throughout the back end of sites he hacks so people can find him.
Even though his lifestyle is fun and exciting, ISIS starts to look less inspiring. Hefty sees the cruelty of ISIS’s cause and it disillusions him from thinking the Caliphate is noble. After some ISIS friends start dying, Hefty sees that war is dumb. Hefty tells his dying friend, on his last breaths, that he is going to take down ISIS. Mistake. With his last yells, his friend tattles on Hefty. Overnight, he goes from Multimillionaire to POW. The King gives him 2 options: blow up his favorite team on a game day of the Cleveland Browns, or his mother dies. Hefty chooses his mother.
Within weeks, Hefty covertly writes software to defeat ISIS, leaving enough breadcrumbs to attract the Chief of Staff of the U.S. Army, General Tarvish. Acting quickly, General Tarvish works to find Hefty and uncover the Brown’s Stadium plot.
Hefty finds a way to bomb the stadium, using an order that the president enacted putting all combat planes: no matter where over the US, had to be fully loaded and ready for war. Tarvish didn’t plan this into his counter measure.
Hefty has set up ambushes against the Caliphate of ISIS… but the joke turns on him when he forgets to delete his code, and his terror attack on Brown’s Stadium goes off. Hefty’s location goes live, and an air campaign against the Caliphate starts. The US President angrily tries to drop a nuclear bomb on Hefty and the Caliphate. Tarvish kills the President before he can order the attack.
The King flees by truck into the desert, but brings his cyber weapon: Hefty.
Fed up, unafraid, and frankly pissed off, Hefty grows some balls and kills everyone in the car, giving the King his just reward, and careening down a mountain in the process.
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Table of Contents
- 1Prologue: Here We Go2024-11-13
- 2Chapter 1: The Sweaty Mess2024-11-13
- 3Chapter 2: The Hefty Bag2024-11-13
- 4Chapter 3: The Capricorn2024-11-13
- 5Chapter 4: My Fucking Ear2024-11-13
- 6Chapter 5: Mom’s Punch2024-11-13
- 7Chapter 6: Bad Eggs2024-11-13
- 8Chapter 7: Red Devil Hot Sauce2024-11-13
- 9Chapter 8: Lotta Scratch2024-11-13
- 10Chapter 9: Shooting Ohio2024-11-13
- 11Chapter 10: That Cancer2024-11-13
- 12Chapter 11: 2 Lambos2024-11-13
- 13Chapter 12: Dark Web2024-11-13
- 14Chapter 13: The General2024-11-13
- 15Chapter 14: The Head2024-11-13
- 16Chapter 15: Kindergarten2024-11-13
- 17Chapter 16: Growing Up2024-11-13
- 18Chapter 17: Growing Fast2024-11-13
- 19Chapter 18: Happy World2024-11-13
- 20Chapter 19: Booger2024-11-13
- 21Chapter 20: Crunch2024-11-13
- 22Chapter 21: Bleating2024-11-13
- 23Chapter 22: Check Mate2024-11-13
- 24Chapter 23: Montage2024-11-13
- 25Chapter 24: Pure Glory2024-11-13
- 26Chapter 25: Inhale2024-11-13
- 27Chapter 26: Tequila Tarvish2024-11-13
- 28Chapter 27: Go PRO2024-11-13
- 29Chapter 28: La RaTa2024-11-13
- 30Chapter 29: Mustard2024-11-13
- 31Chapter 30: Middle Finger2024-11-13
- 32Chapter 31: Waves2024-11-13
- 33Chapter 32: Windows and Engines2024-11-13
- 34Chapter 33: Heftyvision2024-11-13
- 35Chapter 34: Dark2024-11-13
- 36Chapter 35: Chew2024-11-13
- 37Chapter 36: Hail Mary2024-11-13
- 38Chapter 37: Ronald of the Library2024-11-13
- 39Chapter 38: School of Visual Arts2024-11-13
- 40Chapter 39: Dodge2024-11-13
- 41Chapter 40: Manny2024-11-13
- 42Chapter 41: Phone Call2024-11-13
- 43Chapter 42: Live2024-11-13
- 44Chapter 43: Edmund2024-11-13
- 45Chapter 44: Moon Roof2024-11-13
- 46Chapter 45: Lights2024-11-13
- 47Chapter 46: Chairlift2024-11-13
- 48Chapter 47: Being Left-handed is a Handicap2024-11-13
- 49Chapter 48: Top2024-11-13
- 50Chapter 49: Sun2024-11-13
- 51Chapter 50: Loogey2024-11-13
- 52Chapter 51: Total Badass2024-11-13
- 53Chapter 52: Back of the Bus2024-11-13
- 54Chapter 53: Hero’s Vodka2024-11-13
- 55Chapter 54: Stadium’s End2024-11-13
- 56Epilogue2024-11-13