The clanking of Franken’s big metal feet was accompanied by the rapid clanking of Spider-Can’s clawed feet across the worn entrance to the interior of the arena, the sound reverberating off of the hall that they had just exited and faded as the wide, open area removed the echo.

The two Players took their positions just a few meters outside of that entrance, their War Suits giving them a clear, unobstructed line of sight from one end of the multi-kilometer wide interior dome to the other. In the dead center, or as close to it as possible, were the two champions.

Both had apparently done a bit of updating since they were last seen, as their War Suits had changed cosmetically from what they once were. Maybe these were purely cosmetic changes, or perhaps they had fully swapped out one ride for another, but regardless of which was the truth, the pair looked both deadly and snazzy.

The crackle of an intercom system turning on resounded from every corner (or lack thereof) in the arena, and this was followed by the pair of cheating NPCs trying to talk down their impending doom.

“Eeeeeeey!” came the voice of the more jerkish sounding one. Both cockpits of the enemy War Suits were open, and their pilots were standing in the wide-open air. “You should just walk the fuck away and give up!”

“Indeed, this is true.” Said the gruffer, more monotone voice of a small and stocky man who was seemingly using all of his strength to allow himself to be seen from inside the depths of the larger War Suit’s interior. “You stand no chance against us. It would be prudent to surrender now.”

“And you wouldn’t kill a little guy like me, right? You wouldn’t hurt a tiny little man like me! Look at me; I’m a little shrimp! You wouldn’t want to have that on your conscience, would ya?”

Axton shifted his gaze over to Thomas, who was also staring back at Axton. Despite what the jerkish man had said, he was no mere ‘shrimp’. The man was, to put it mildly, a perfect stereotypical fit for a basketball team that also doubled as a professional bodybuilding team.

“Yes, look closely.” Said the diminutive man in the bulky War Suit that had a very obvious Rhino theme going for it. “He is a very small man, and it would be ethically and morally unsound to attack him.”

Axton closed his eyes at this and muttered, “What the fuck am I seeing? Is this a goddamn comedy sketch?”

“And it’s my birthday, too!” added the exceedingly tall, exceedingly muscled enemy with an equally exceedingly jerkish voice. “You wouldn’t hurt a tiny guy like me on my birthday, would ya? It just ain’t the right thing to do!”

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“Do you not feel shame for fighting us like this?” added the minuscule man with a monotone voice. “It is his birthday, and he is small. You should feel shame for these actions.”

Axton heard another sound over party chat and looked over to see Thomas slamming his face into the more cushioned part of the dashboard inside Spider-Can. He had to be honest, with the idiocy going on in front of him being what it was, he was tempted to ‘head-desk’ as well, as a mere ‘face-palm’ simply would not cover the gravity of the moronic foolishness that was going on in front of him.

“And you wouldn’t want to tangle with this big guy over there, right? The jerkish man said, pointing to the man to his side.

So, the tall, burly man was ‘small and weak’ and the tiny man was ‘big and strong’. What the fuck was this, opposite day?

“Thomas.” Axton said after taking a deep breath with his eyes closed shut.

“Yeah?” his friend asked.

“Fire a warning shot.”

Thomas looked over some stuff on his dashboard and realized that he was, technically, in range.

“Across their nose?” Thomas asked.

“No.” Axton responded with a tone of pure seriousness. “Up it.”

Thomas paused, then smiled as he leveled his twin Autocannons properly and pulled the trigger to fire a single shot. The round flew through the air before slamming into the shoulder of the larger, bulkier, Rhine-themed War Suit.

The impact did not set off the shell, as it was not a high explosive shell and merely was a pure kinetic penetrator, but regardless of that fact, the enemy War Suit shook violently and at this ‘unprovoked attack’ both NPCs closed up their machines and tried to close the distance.

“Can I finally start using some of the other weapons?” Thomas asked of his comrade.

“Give them hell.” Axton said with a smile. “Don’t give them anything else.”

…

As they tried to close the distance, the War Suit with heavily armored spider legs began to lob mortar shells from some kind of automatic mortar on its back. The shells were, of course, utterly inaccurate, but they did force both of the champions to avoid taking a single straight path towards the opposing Outworlders.

This was obviously the intention behind such an attack, as once they separated to take different winding paths, both of the Outworlder War Suits split up as well. However, despite the two foes splitting up, they both focused their hostile attention on a single one of them.

Soon, Draxis’ larger, heavier, more melee-focused War Suit was being focused down by ever more accurate fire from both enemy War Suits, and the big lug was forced to do something it was not designed to do, dodge. With the massive Heavy War Suit being what it was, it was an absurdly easy target to fire upon for both Outworlders, and without their shields, both Draxis and he himself were in greater danger from any attack.

Cursing, Devlin attempted to rush in to interfere, but he and his War Suit were forced back by an absurdly precise string of mortar shells that very nearly scored at least two direct hits. He managed to dodge away just in time, and with that move, he was both further away from his old bodyguard and also pushed into one of the ‘surprises’ he had planted ahead of time.

A torrent of electricity flooded his custom rig, locking it in place as it temporarily rendered him deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed in terms of War Suit combat. He hoped that the effects would wear off quickly, but more than that, he hoped that Draxis would be able to hold on long enough for him to get back in the fight.