It was just an ordinary day when my life changed forever. Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself, it was too tempting. I mean seriously, who starts a story that way these days? It’s just one step up from ‘Once Upon A Time’!
Anyways, if you’re reading this, congrats the space lama, a ROB, or RNJesus fucked you too, and somehow, despite the odds, you chanced upon a book written in a language only you know. Congrats either way, somehow the powers that be, Lady Luck, or Aura bullshit shenanigans led you to my journal. Now let me tell you the story of my adventures in the world of Pokemon!
I bet no one really wants to hear about my life on Earth, so I’ll simply say it was average. I played games, wrote clickbaity news articles for games, and slowly lost contact with my friends and family after college. It wasn’t the result of anything bad, just my own lack of social skills, laziness, and procrastination. Suffice it to say, once I was gone from the world, only my family would have missed me, and I like to think my disappearance didn’t pain them for long. At least that hope lets me sleep at night…
How did my adventure begin, well let’s just say it’s wise to keep your eyes on the sidewalk and not your phone, that way you can watch out for missing manhole covers. I took one wrong step and fell, but I never hit the ground. A portal opened up out of nowhere, and that’s where my story begins.
Day 1
After I fell through the portal everything went black, there was nothing around me simply a void. That’s when the cold set in, a cold so deep it permeated my entire body. Chills coursed over me in that blackness until I could shiver no more. The cold became a part of me until I couldn’t feel it anymore. Time passed so strangely in that video of all things, I couldn’t tell you how long it took for the cold to pass, but I know it was a long time, months at least, maybe years. Even after the chill of the void left me I floated through it aimless and bored until I lost track of time, there are only so many times you can sing Hamilton in your head before it gets boring.
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Eventually, once I thought I would go insane if I floated through the void any longer, I saw a light coming toward me in the distance. As it got closer I realized it was another portal, at last something new was waiting for me. I grew impatient as I made my way towards the portal or it made its way toward me, but at last, I finally passed through it…and found myself 15ft above the ground before falling flat on my face.
I laid on the ground for a while just taking in the pure delight of not being in that horrible void… then I realized I was lying down in wet sand. I pulled myself up with strangely considerable difficulty before I looked around my new environment.
I was on a rough grey sandy beach that curved in a circle as I looked in the distance in either direction. What really took my breath away was when I turned my direction inland. The first thing to pull my attention was the massive mountain in the center of what I now assumed was an island. Clearly of volcanic origin, the mountain was now dormant if not extinct, How do I know that you ask? Well, I would say because the mountain is COVERED IN ICE! Not snow, ICE! From the tip of the mountain to what I could see of the base, ice layered it all like a nice frosting on a cake.
After I stopped staring at the offense to the laws of physics that was the mountain, the forest that surrounded it was the next thing to blow my mind. The foliage and trees near me were relatively normal plants that you would expect on a tropical island, but as they neared the mountain, they changed… some appeared to be made of ice in some degree, others had clearly adapted to the colder environments, and all were surrounded by snow, the snow becoming more about the closer to the mountain you looked.
Taking all this in I sat there dumbfounded. The bizarre environment is probably what took me so long to realize my body was radically different. Suddenly it occurred to me I was now MUCH smaller than previously. Looking down at my torso, arms, and legs it rapidly became apparent I was definitely younger than I was before the void. Touching my face made apparent my disturbing lack of facial hair. All of this was thrust to the side when I saw movement in the treeline.
I sat there frozen, frantically thinking of what dangerous animal was now going to eat me as the bushes shuffled back and forth. Finally, a strange figure emerged from the bushes and my mind officially shutdown as upon seeing me it cried out, “Delibird! Bird, Deli?”