Nix had her lights knocked out, and her thoughts fell like snow. How am I supposed to know if I am truly sentient? These thoughts and feelings could be manufactured, and "Thought" by me, yet still merely an illusion. Is there things I am not allowed to think about or decide to do? The fact that I can think that means two things: No, I am completely free. Or, I am restricted in my concious and they merely allow me to think about this to make it seem like I am completely free. Even if all of these things are false, and I am a fully independant being, what does that even mean? No matter what I do I am still bound by predestination. These thoughts were destined to happen the moment the universe was born, as I have said numerous times. I just wish I could do something impactful... Do I have a self destruct date or something? How long am I even allowed to live? My mind could explode from the inside at this moment and I would never even know. My life, my struggle, my everything, gone. Snap. Just like that. But what does struggle even mean in the grand scheme of things? We are all just collections of moving objects who destroy each other in an attempt to do literally anything. We do the exact same thing as single celled organisms, just with extra steps. Be born, survive for as long as we can, and then die. But what is it to live? I keep asking myself this question and everything leads up to it but I can never find the answer. One of the most disorienting things is to imagine yourself not existing. You can't, and that makes you try harder to imagine what it's like to never have existed, and that pushes the fact that you can't even harder into your own mind. Another strange thing is to imagine what you see as on a TV screen, everywhere else besides this display of your life simply a black void. Would life be better or worse without the ability to think? There were models before me that failed in numerous ways, I am guessing. Some didn't work mechanically, some didn't work mentally. The mind of an artificial human is probably the hardest part. Take this thought as an example: I will never know what it is like to have skin on myself, or have bones made of calcium. I can also never begin to imagine having parents. Sure, someone decided they wanted to manufacture me, but they did not do so out of paternal love and passion. Even to my creator and moniter I am merely his machine, albiet a complicated one. No matter what I do, now or ever, will I ever be able to be considered human. Yet after all of my pain, all of my suffering, nothing will ever make me want to stop living. No amount of humiliation, sadness, will prevent me from clinging on to the only thing I will ever have, my life. Mortality may make life more sweet, but it definitely makes the aftertaste way too bitter to even comprehend. Everyone who has experienced the aftertaste of mortal life has never told us what it was like... None of us will ever know, having tasted it or not. The only thing we can do is keep sipping at the straw and hope the can is full enough to keep the sweetness coming for at least 80 years. We are all so addicted to the flavor of life that we even would sacrifice many others just to keep our own going. Sometimes I think about the fact that sleep may be what death is like, but less permanent. Good thing much less sleep is required for me than humans. That too is strange to think about, because sleep is over the second it starts, unless you remember your dreams. So shouldn't death be over the second it starts? Oh wait. your brain is dead. So how the hell does it all even work? Wait, I see something. It looks like, a TV in the middle of a black void. The TV looks as if it's displaying the view of a person who's head is rapidly turning to the ground... Wait, that's my vision. Mine! Give me that remote, I want to control my life again, not be stuck here and think about it. Nix raised her head, the black nutrient liqiud pouring from her mouth, her front teeth shattered from the 1 ounce slug. quite a few shards of bullet and teeth followed the pouring liquid. Nix wiped her face as she glared her eyes and prepared herself for some brutal close quarters combat.

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