I forced my eyes open and took in the view of a timbered ceiling. This can't be right. I remember a bunch of demons bringing us barrels of booze. But after that - the fog of unavailable memories. The blinking chat icon revealed lists upon lists of messages, videos, notifications of passed quests and unlocked achievements, and several letters from the Games Administrators. And the worst part was that two days have passed since our encounter with the Vikings! I was beginning to feel ashamed in advance. I took several deep breaths and dove into reconstructing the events of the past two days.
Achievement unlocked: "Master Alcoholic" - throw a bender for over five hundred persons (players and NPC's) and keep it going for over twenty-four hours.
+10 Endurance
Pay 20% less for spirits in all the taverns of the continent.
You will be provided with a free treatment plan for curing psychological addiction to alcohol (apply to any MedTech rehab center).
FIVE HUNDRED PERSONS? Okay, there were just a little over a hundred of us with the whole viking army. Where the hell was I able to find four more hundred sentient creatures in the middle of a forest at night.
Sheeesh... I brace myself and turn on the video...
The first one is from Morgenhand.
It looks like it's just the beginning. Everything seems civil enough. I'm pushing some sort of speech in front of a circle of people, malachite goblet in hand. This I remember. The cup gets passed around, and a small demon hurriedly keeps filling it up with wine, I guess, or whatever it is we were drinking. Then I see a portal through which demons keep the barrels coming. Okay, so far, so good. Then the camera moves towards me very shakily, I'm nearly hanging of our conjurer's shoulders and passionately talking about something.
"So, like, um, Steve... do you trust em'?"
"Trust who?"
"Well, you know... Them..." I poked my finger towards the ground.
"Why? You've got doubts?"
"Sure do! What if they're thinking of... You know... Poisoning us?"
"What for?"
"Well, they're afraid of us! And this here is the perfect opportunity!"
"Opportunity for what?"
"To get rid of us!"
"Naaaaaaaaah..."
"Oh, really? What are we doing now?"
"Drinking!"
"Right! And what are we drinking?"
"Uuum... Booze?"
"Right again! Who's booze?"
"Demon's Booze..."
"Damn, Steve, what a bright bastard you are! Let me shake your hairy palm!"
"Hairy?" Steve tried to focus his vision on his hand.
"Forget it! Steve, to make sure that these fuckers didn't mix anything into our drinks, you need to act like a real gentleman!"
"How is that?"
"You have to save every one of us! You have to be the first one to take a drink from every bottle they bring us!"
"For a real friend like you - I'll do anything!"
"Thanks, Steve! I won't ever remember you... Hic, I mean, forget you! I'll even name my daughter Steve! Hic... Son! I mean, son, Steve! Steve will be my son!"
We hug in silence for a moment until Steve pushes away and wobbles away with the most determined facial expression towards the biggest pile of bottles and barrels freshly birthed by the portal from hell.
End of transmission.
The next one is from Vencer.
"Steve! Steve!"
"Mmmmu-hmmm"
"We've got trouble!"
"What!? Did I miss one!? I'll show them! Who hapned? Was it Fillin!?"
"Whoa, calm down! I mean, we're out?"
"Out?"
"Yeah, completely out. Nothing left..." The camera turns toward a hand demonstrably turning over a bottle, spilling a few drops of spirits onto the ground.
"Lemme' handle it..."
The summoner's heroic attempt to stand on his feet was futile. So was the second one... And the third one. Having come to some sort of conclusion, Steve began drawing with a knife of the ground. The figure he was trying to scratch out was very hard to describe as a pentagram. Barely finishing the thing, he got from all fours to his knees and began mumbling some sort of incantation. One he wasn't able to finish - he just puked all over the glowing lines, collapsed on his side, and passed out right after tucking his arm under his head. The rune contorted and pulsated until a portal opened, and a shocked weird man-sized boar demon was thrown out into our midst.
"GUYS! BARBEQUE IS HERE!" I cry out.
"HURRAAA!!!! Hail to the Yarl!!!"
The camera spins around to face a hoard of red-faced shit-faced vikings who rush past Vencer to seize the demon.
Suddenly a blushing Elsper jumps into view, grabs the operator by the hand, and leads him off somewhere into the trees. Finally, she turns around, with only her sensually half-closed eyes in the frame. Then there's a lot of fuss, and I could make out Vencer's hand on the lady's breast. The boob gets closer and closer...
"Turn off the damned recorder, Idiot!"
End of transmission.
The next one came from Legolas.
"Faust! Woe is upon us!"
"Master? Just point, and I will eradicate any foe!"
"Our only foe is the absence of booze! And with this fucking rapid metabolism, I'm beginning to sober up! Practically sober-cold stone!"
"What of Steve?"
"He's under an unremovable debuff! Something about a lethal dose of alcohol... He's passed out...Almost like a coma, I think."
"Can't Elsper help?"
"She's gone! She ran off with Vencer, and they left the chat!"
"How can I help?"
"Prof gave me a paper with a ritual, but he's babbling incoherently... Here!" I'm waving around some sort of scroll.
"And what does this spell do?"
"Shiiiit... Prof said it would help!"
Faust examines the spell and scowls in confusion.
"But Master, this is a ritual of the High Maleficarum. How is this supposed to get you more spirits?"
"How am I supposed to know!? Proff didn't explain, but I believe him because he's a man of science! And he knows a lot!"
"But..."
"Faust, no fucking but's! Am I in charge or what?"
"I obey, Master. Can I use Legolas?"
"What do you think we keep him around for? Legolas!"
Faust and I proceed to draw a giant rune on the clearing soaked in demon blood. The dark priest places shards of obsidian on specific points, and as soon as Legolas approached one of them I see a system notification:
"Grand Soul stone (Cursed)"
As Faust starts to read the incantation from the scroll, the camera begins to shiver, the lines of the rune emanate a sinister light. And as the camera slowly panned upwards, to the night sky, it showed Faust hovering above, ready to descend with his obsidian dagger in hand.
"Mortals, halt!" The words came as if from the earth itself. And the camera turns towards a loud cracking sound...
Tapient, Spirit of the Forest, Lvl - Unidentified, HP: Unidentified.
"Wha..."
"How dare you attempt to curse my woods, mortal?"
" I uhh..." The video shifts to my bewildered face.
"I propose a bargain. What do you wish in return for having this child of darkness undo the ritual? Gold? Trinkets? Knowledge?"
"You've got beer?"
"Beeeeeeer?" Now the amount of amazement and confusion in his voice was unidentifiable.
"Yeah! Like, lots of beer!"
"You wish for just beer? And You'll have your minion stop this horrendous ritual?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah! Can you turn the water from this river into beer or not?"
"In exchange for your oath."
"Done! I swear never to taint this forest with evil in exchange for a river of beer!"
"So be it!"
I hear hissing, the water begins to bubble, and the viking's dracar suddenly sinks.
"Hey! My wonderous army! The river's flooded with beer! The party will go on! The Spirit of the Forest just gave us more spirits! Hey! What's your called... Tapient! What sort of beer is it?"
"Honey lager, the strong sort."
"Good enough. Hey, I want my fucking barbeque!"
Then there's more of my vikings getting shit-faced. I think I used spells to get the Tree God to join the festivities. He's reluctant at first, but later, he took a liking to his own river. A little later, a whole swarm of drunk-as-fuck mermaids surfaced from the bubbly "waters". Or should I say, soaked as sponges? The naked dark-blue girls with their bright-green hair had a definitively positive effect on the men.
"Look! Women! All wet already and ready to mingle!"
"They're green, man!"
"So fucking what!? Hail to the Yarl!"
"Hail!"
Then Selena steps into the frame.
"Fillin! What are these green whores doing here?!" - I know that things are bad when she is consumed by her fiery aura, her hair turns into an aggressive inferno and sparks begin to shower from her hands.
"They floated up by themselves!"
"Oh, they did, did they!? Well, how about I make us all some deep-fried fish-bitch appetizers?"
"Honey, come on! Don't be like that! Let the boys have their fun!" A flaming arrow finds it's way into my thigh
"OW! What the fuck was that for, you psychotic bitch!? We didn't even have sex, for fuck's sake!"
"Didn't even...! You horny little fucker! I'll..."
"Boss, run! I'll cover you!" Louie jumps between Selena and me just in time for his shield to absorb a small firestorm. He didn't have to ask me twice! I was rushing towards the wood in big leaps, trying not to lose my beer and the skewer of demon meat.
"Tapient! Fucking hide me, please!"
Meanwhile, the vikings divided up the playful mermaids, and the party was once again in full swing.
Legolas shamefully leaves the clearing, and as he's walking through the woods, a woman's scream rings out. The Elf rushes towards the sound. I can't tell whether out of heroism or sheer curiosity.
Find this and other great novels on the author's preferred platform. Support original creators!
Finally, the branches part to reveal the source of the noise. Elsper stands naked next to the trunk of one of the trees, her slim legs wide apart. Behind her, Vencer is rhythmically thrusting his hips with his pants down. The woman's breasts heave with every move. Seems like Legolas liked what he found because the image begins to focus on Elsper.
"LEGOLAS!" To voices shout in sync.
"I didn't thi..."
And a flash of lightning.
End of Transmission.
Video from Oakbreaker.
The dwarf sits calmly on the bank of the beer river filling up a big cup. Next to him, Pickle sips his drink from a whole barrel.
"And why didn't you get yourself a mermaid?"
"I'm married, Pickle. Married to a good woman. She was so happy when I got all the cash from Fillin. Her cute little yelp still makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. I bet even now she passes the room with my capsule on tiptoe and tells the kids: "Shhh, daddy's working!" And I would never disappoint her like that. I mean what if she decides to check out the logs. And what kind of example would I be setting for younger generations? They're curious little buggers, watching all our adventures on the net. The Boss has got his own channel. And it's trending. I won't let mine see anything obscene coming from me..."
"You're a peculiar person, OakBreaker. You should forbid your kids to match the stuff we do. I mean every time its blood, guts, dark rituals, and crazy parties. And Fillin is quite the hero..."
"Eeeh, let them see what life can be like. And the Boss ain't half bad."
"But he sure sucks at dealing with women..."
The dwarf and the ogre calmly gaze at the forest and the bright flashes of hellish fire and explosions bursting from between the trees as mine and Selena's screaming rings out into the night as we aggressively sort things out.
A little to the side, FreakHead is munching down a crocodile, or something very much like it. What the hell is a crocodile doing in the midlands? Oh, nope, I realize that the creature isn't my pet's meal, but rather its appetizer when I see FreakHead awkwardly and repeatedly dive into Beer-river.
Suddenly out of the river, menacingly wobbles a Merman. His face is flat, and without a nose, he's gait was explained by a slimy jumble of tentacles whish he had instead of legs. His maw was filled with rows of sharp teeth, and because of his lack of lips, it looked as if he was grinning menacingly. Although his horrific appearance was ruined by a pair of fish eyes that were crossed from all the booze.
"Hey, guys... You got anything to snack on? Cause' I can't take fish anymore."
"Help yourself." Pickle handed the river monster a pair of demon ribs.
"Oh, damn! Bless you!"
"Well, a drink to understanding."
The cup chinks with the barrel.
End of transmission.
Pickle's video.
Judging by the lighting, its morning. Only the steadfast Remain standing in the clearing - about two dozen of Dis's warriors and himself. I stand, a little burned with a cup in one hand and Selena on the other. And I'm reciting poetry. Wow, I must have really overdone the drinking part if I'm reduced to rhymes.
"My Muse has left me for a Frenchman
I lay there heartbroken, but not for long.
I laughed, I cried, I grew headstrong.
Spat in a notebook, fixed some stuff.
Went outside - saw her again.
"Hey, Muse! You cheating cream puff!
Go love your Frenchman, hide from the rain!
I'll splash in puddles, leap over drains!
I'll write, create, and even love too!
All of that in defiance of you!
And you, my precious Lady-friend,
Whom I've met along this pleasant walk.
I hope all types of Frenchmen you despise.
I that's the case, would you be so inclined,
To join me for a tasty serving of french fries?"
And with that, I kiss my sorceress on the lips as the warriors' cheer. But Dis is quick to counter.
"Who hasn't burned - won't be reborn,
Who hasn't drowned - will never know
How sweet the air of Life can flow.
Who hasn't fought - won't understand
How precious is a day of peace on beach's sand.
What never changes - doesn't live
T'is everlasting ash, unable
To struggle, ruin, create, forgive.
Life's good. But end must every fable.
Your destined time you can't outlive."
Again a roar of approval from the boys. Is this an epic rap battle? But damn, not bad verses from an NPC...
Suddenly someone from our group begins pointing towards the sky and shouts to attract our attention. Above us, a night on a winged horse was flying in circles. Without missing a beat, I produce another verse:
"Oi! Men! Look to the sky!
A fag on a winged horse
Just escaped from his pigsty!"
A hate-filled scream sounds from upstairs.
"FUUUUU! YOUUUU... SIIIIIIII MOTHAAA... KIIIIII... YOUUUU!" I couldn't make out what the player with a probably nik-name was screaming.
"Yarl, this must be a scout. There's probably trouble about."
"Don't sweat, Dis. Everything's cool. Probably the fucking Empire. At least we won't have to go looking for them now."
"How many?"
"So many, we'll probably spend a century burying the buggers. It would be smart to find an Earth mage. Selena, dear, you mind writing something obscene? Like in fire letters across the sky..."
"Sure. What do you want me to write, handsome?"
I begin to whisper my order into her ear. She blushes but waves her hand, casting the spell. Now everyone who's got the strength to stand blushes. Even I do a little: hell if I know how one can conjure curses so harsh. Man, I feel like my inner poet died, and every day the stench of his corpse grows worse. Fuuuuck... If that really was a scout, then every soldier in the Empire will see killing me as a holy duty.
But the video rolls on... Not in the least embarrassed by the words in the sky I enquire:
"Do we have anything stronger left to drink?"
"No, Yarl. We drank everything. Only the Beer-river's left."
"This suuuucks. But wait a sec, Dis, didn't you say something about a castle? Maybe there's something fiery and drinkable there?"
"Yes. An abandoned castle, presumably cursed. The locals say that everybody died. And the curse was lifted. Presumably."
"And who was in the castle pre-curse?"
"Presumably, dwarves."
"Yeesssss! Dwarves is good! Dwarves mean moonshine! How far is it?"
"Two-three miles upstream. At the very edge of the forest."
The camera turns to show the bank of the river littered with punch-drunk and hungover vikings mixed with mermaids. With the mast of the drakar sticking out of the river of beer.
"Then prepare for a siege!"
"Ummm..."
"Go on! Wake them up, slap them around, and to battle!"
"But the castle's empty..."
"Presumably! Fuck it! We'll always find someone's ass to kick."
"Hail to the Yarl!"
The twenty people left sort of hail.
End of transmission.
Finally! The last chapter of this insane vlog! It was filmed by Louie.
The image is very shaky. A hoard of drunk-ass vikings is making its best attempt to run along the bank of the river, carrying about ten of their comrades, who weren't able to wake up, and me upon a shield. I'm trying not to spill my drink with one hand, and by holding on for dear life with the other. As well as singing bawdy songs and getting beer all over myself. As a matter of fact, we did find who's ass to kick. My army merrily assailed a giant bear and a pack of wolves. The poor animals were searching for a watering hole and were in a drunken frenzy. Daaaamn! I didn't know you could punch a grizzly's teeth in! But Dis proved me wrong... All this through the sound of heavy breathing from our priest-cameraman. It seems he was feeling really shitty.
Finally, the castle comes into view. I decide that the best thing to do is to turn into my owl form and fly straight at the castle. God knows why. My glorious flight ends in one of the towers. A drunk bird just crashes headfirst into the brick wall just a few feet to the side of a barred window and slowly slides down the face of the castle. A pathetic sight. But my army just rushes straight for the castle gates. In the courtyard, they are met by a small group of armored dwarven skeletons with huge axes. But my high-level vikings just took them apart and scattered their bones all over the place. We picked the lock of the dungeon door, but as soon as it opened, we were attacked by another twisted necromancer creation -it was a giant snake, made from bones and weapons and pieces of armor. But it is also quickly dismantled for parts this time with the assistance of our dark priest. Finally, I'm carefully picked up, gently carried inside, with the gates thoughtfully closed behind us. Turns out, the gate mechanism works as good as new. Soon I come to.
"Storm the cellar!"
"Yes, Yarl!"
I notice that the mermaids didn't accompany us, but thankfully it looks like we haven't forgotten any of my original party members. Prof, Morgen, Oakbreaker, Steve, and Legolas have all been carried in on improvised stretchers. The rest came without assistance.
After a while, my men roll out barrels of something-something and bring loads of kielbasa. God-damn, I love this game. The defenders of the castle have long since been reduced to bone, but the sausages are fresh as fuck. Or is this a necromancy trick? Hmm, good question...
The party gets going again, gaining momentum and almost blowing into full swing for the second time. Everybody's gulping down dwarven moonshine, following it down with beer and kielbasa. I've founded an army of monstrous alcoholics. I barely make onto the top of an empty barrel and shout:
"Listen up!"
Despite having taken part in tasting the moonshine, Selena throws her jug and hits me square in the face. My limp body is caught gently by Pickle, and he holds me down while Morgen forces four goblets of the firewater down my throat. A wise fucking decision, I'll give them that. Having made sure of my complete and utter loss of consciousness, Pickle carries me off inside the castle. At the edge of the screen, I see FreakHead crawl into a half-empty barrel of Moonshine...
What a ride...
End of transmission.
I open my eyes and blink a few times. I had like thirty important messages to scroll through. Having noticed my sixtieth level and an option to create a new spell, I stretch my ass off in my fur bed.
Until the door opened, and Selena walked in.
"Are you gonna kill me?"
"Whatever for?" She smiled. She was wearing a hide-bound robe. How in all of creation did she find one in a freaking dwarf fortress??
"Well, we've had our differences, and I was a little drunk..."
"A little?" Selena raised her eyebrows in disbelief.
"I mean, a little sober..."
"But you know, in the end, you were right about one thing..."
"Yeah?" I was genuinely surprised.
"We didn't even have sex yet!"
"Are you sure about that?"
"Why you..." Selena jumped onto me, her hips pinning me to the bed, her breasts pressing against me, our lips collided.
I caressed Selena's perfect body, sensually bending it while my hands went lower to her hot warmth.
"Can you.." heavy breathing. "Teach me..." our tongues entangled. "To place hickies?"
"You don't know how to leave love bites?" My shirt tears as buttons shoot in every direction.
"I never seem to get them right."
"Well, watch and learn. You make them like this..."
In about three hours, I came down into the courtyard. Grinning with all thirty-two teeth. There I found most of the vikings wandering around pitifully. Unlike the players, the NPC's still suffered from hangovers. But if I recall correctly, I was feeling pretty shitty myself after that orcish whiskey. I should probably find Elsper to have her patch up the band.
One of the barrels toppled over as I passed it, and FreakHead rolled out. He was looking miserable as well. I scooped my pet into my hands, thinking about how he would react to traditional healing spells.
But my thoughts were interrupted by a shout from the top of the castle wall. Huffing and cursing and failing at finding the right ladder, I finally find myself on top. What I saw was jaw-dropping.
"Fuuuuck me..."
"Sounds about right..." solemnly added Morgenhand.
Two hundred thousand soldiers stretched as far as the horizon. Our nameless castle was hopelessly surrounded by the vast Imperial army.