'C'mon, man! Let's teleport!'

'NO!'

'Let's at least get a couple of horses then.'

'No, I'm not a fan of horse-meat.'

'Well, shit! Why can't we ride on bears or pumas or something?'

'For fuck's sake, Elsper! Quit your nagging! If I say we are going on foot - then on we march! End of discussion! '

'Okay, but where are we going to get supplies?'

'Not you too, Morgen! Jesus Christ, people! We left the town less than three hours ago! Elsper won't stop whining, that her feet hurt, you think I'm retarded! Pickle and Oakbreaker won't stop whispering about a plan to knock me out and teleport there anyway, because those fucks clearly forgot that I have exceptionally sharp hearing. Take a cue from Vencer! He can't take his eyes off Elsper's ass this whole time! Or from Legolas - he probably isn't thinking of anything at all!'

'But...'

'Morgen! You are forgetting three things. One - I'm paying the bills around here! If you want, I'll knock the basics of capitalism into your tin can, profoundly cursing while I'm at it! Two - don't think that I'm stupid! Did you seriously think that I don't have a plan to supply our little venture?! Three - I just found a quite amusing article on exotic means of execution and torture. There's at least three thousand of them listed here, and at a glance, I can tell you that I can perform a third of them right here, right now!'

'Oooh! Can I read the article as well?' - Faust was visibly aroused.

'Yeah, I'll send it to ya via message. A legendary fucking fellowship of adventurers! We're making camp! Otherwise, we'll kill each other before we even get there!'

Everyone warily stopped in the middle of the field. 

'Alright, let me make myself clear! We're walking because I like to travel! I've been in love with camping since I was a kid. And, well, I just kinda feel like it! It's not like the Imperial Army is running away from us. And to demonstrate our new innovative supply line, Steve will perform a magic trick. And FreakHead will be assisting. And, okay, I will compromise. The ladies may ride on mounts. Where they get them is none of my concern, but I believe the mages will be happy to assist. Steve, hit it!'

The conjurer waved his hand as he mouthed an incantation. A flaming pentagram materialized in the air and descended tt the ground. The next instant, a six-foot-tall stone gargoyle stepped out of it carrying baskets and bags. It visibly grew a lot more gray, when it saw an excessively salivating FreakHead running around, and started hastily setting up our camp. 

'Steve, how much do you pay this thing to do all of this? I thought summoned demons could only be bodyguards, at best.''Paid? Well, I wouldn't say paid... I just told it that I wouldn't give it to FreakHead,' A loud crunch and a high pitched squeal interrupted our conversation. 

'...often, I mean,  if it behaved well. So if anyone wants something, feel free to ask. Your order will be served to the letter.'

My squad started to make themselves comfortable while I approached an alder tree at the edge of the clearing and leaned against the warm bark. 

The sun was setting, and everybody was noisily setting up camp like they were on a picnic. Campaign my ass!  It was like taking kindergarten kids out for a trip.  I smelled the smoke of a fire, Faust started to throat sing. Probably to conjure something up to everyone's amusement. I hugged the tree like I did when I was a kid, concentrating on how the bark felt beneath my hands, soaking up the live warmth with every cell of my body. 

At some point, I felt that feeling of warmth spread through my entire body. It was as if I was drowning in warm water. Colorful lights flashed in front of my eyes, and my perceptions altered.

What was it like being the forest? To breathe through millions of leaves. To see through a million eyes. To feel with a million hands. And to sing. To sing an endlessly beautiful song, in which death throes, furious wailing and the rustling of the grass, and the whispers of growth, all had a part to play. And the silence. 

Then something attracted my attention. Something that stood out in the harmony of life and death that I came to witness. It was like a smudge of black ink on a pastel landscape. Death, emptiness, and hunger. 

I opened my eyes. I retained the forest's senses, but they became weaker. I turned my head from side to side, stretching my neck, and suddenly felt the exact direction of the smudge from my vision. I tried to get up but was shocked to realize that my hands stuck to the trunk. All my calm and desperate attempts to free myself failed. I was beginning to panic, so I tried to transform. My body was pierced by pain but to no avail. What the hell is this!? And then, once again, my mind was flooded by feelings of serenity and peace. This time I lost my shit for real! I didn't want to grow roots and stay here for god-knows-how-long! I pulled away with all my might, and with a loud crack, my hands tear apart from the tree. I turned out that the sound came from my skin, tearing away. I regarded my flayed appendages with a weird mix of horror and relief. I cautiously gaze at the alder tree and take a few steps back when I see blood ooze from the handprints that my skin left.  This is how people become dendrophobes! Now I'm gonna have to worry about Pinocchio visiting my nightmares!

'Selena, my sweet! Can you do me a favor and burn this fucking alder to ash? Please.'

'No problem, what for?'

'Well, I'm feeling quite a bit of resentment for it right now.'

Selena approached and skeptically glanced first at my regenerating arms and then at the skin that I left on the tree.

'You are phenomenally good at getting yourself into trouble, my dear Fillin.'

'Quit stating the obvious. Any idea what that was?'

'Well, if there were a druid nearby, I'd assume that he cast some sort of spell on you. But I've never seen anything like this... What did you feel?'

'Like I was growing roots... Just burn the damn thing. And I've got another question for you. If there's some weird shit nearby, what do we do?'

'You amuse me,' fire started dancing in the woman's hands, 'In here weird shit means XP and loot.'

'And what if, like, we end up as XP and loot?'

'I can't believe that this is coming from a man who cut a continental level monster in half!'

'Well, that was then! Now I'm scared. Protect me, Fire Mistress!' With that, I comically scurried away from the tree and hid behind the woman. Embracing her in my arms, I buried my face in her hair. The fireball missed the tree and flew off into the horizon. 

'Fillin! You're gonna get hurt if you keep this stuff up!'

'Keep what stuff up?' She turned to face me. 

'You are this close to getting raped!'

I pressed my cheek to her's and carefully whispered in her ear:

"My Queen, my Queen! Into your Fire

I'll gaze for ages and will never tire.

A transfixed moth my soul will be

A helpless victim of heartburn and thee."

She looked deep into my eyes. And the top buttons of her blouse unfastened in the blink of an eye.

'Why do you ask anyway? About the  weird shit?'

'Something tells me that less than a mile away from here, there is some sort of concentration of dark powers.'

I kept working on her buttons and made it all the way to her waist. She wasn't wearing any underwear and the sorceress's breasts. I lead my palm from her neck down to her belly, playfully caressing her nipple through the cloth. 

'Are you sure about that?'

'Absolutely, there's something wicked really close.'

I unbuttoned the buckle of her leather tights. My lips dug into her sweet neck, and I heard her gasp for air. 

'The Erratic Dungeon!'

'The what?' My hands were all over her breasts.

'There aren't any evil locations on the map, so that means that you felt an Erratic Dungeon. It's always jumping from place to place and is randomly generated every time. All the best loot and treasures can be found there.'

While she was saying this, I was gently but firmly pushed away. She proceeded to get her outfit back together. 

And I was left to my own frustration and deprived of any hope for a release. I cursed my big mouth, the murderous forest, and my life, for that matter. I figured that being raped by Selena is one thing, but attempting to turn the tables is a quick and ergonomic way to get rid of a body. There probably won't even be any ashes left. 

The camp came alive with activity when Selena stormed in and started to tell Morgen and Pickle of my discovery.

'So, Filin! Let's clear out that Dungeon! Just like I promised you!'

'Morgen, you can't imagine how un-fucking-timely this dung-geon appeared in my life!'

'What do you mean? This is your right of passage into the normal gaming experience! Plus, we'll be able to battle-christen our squad!'

'Ah, shovel all that up your ass!'

'Can't.'

'Why the fuck not?'

'it's already stuffed with my dreams of a quiet life and a career.'

'How the hell did they get there.'

'They went there right after I met your crazy ass. I've got so much money in the bank, that I can live several lifetimes off the vig. And my salary for my regular job pales in comparison, even with all the bonuses and premiums. Our adventures have made me so famous that I've had to buy celebrity grade filters. I'm being spammed with invitations to star in all kinds of adds. And they're offering big bucks too.'

'And? You sort of sound as if you're complaining.'

'Like, what's the point?' 

'Excuse me?' My eyes bulged out at Morgen, As I tried to figure out if I missed some crucial characteristic in my friend.'

'Well, I mean, like...' Morgen waved his hand in a broad and vague gesture. 'Like what did you dream of when you were alive?'

'What did I dreamed of?' A smile crawled across my face. 'Log out of the Game and take a look out your window. And you'll see what I dreamt of. I dreamt of the world you live in now. A world where geniuses and lowlives alike have an equal shot at happiness, where you don't need a character of steel and a will of iron to get through life, where you don't need to slave away for decades before you can finally stop missing out on your life's calling. 

'... A world where a lack of imagination is a legally declared global issue. Where in order to finally die, you are required to sign a tonne of papers, where strict eugenic regulations are in effect, where everyone over twelve years has a mandatory contraceptive implant and where to become a parent you need to pass more tests than a colonist trainee.'

'You're god'damn right! And I played my fair part in bringing that world to be! I've done some digging and found that my descendants saved the world from annihilation TWICE!'

'Did you read the part where they were the reason behind the world being on the brink of annihilation?'

'They didn't do it on purpose! I read the reports. Nobody could have predicted that Artificial Gravity Installation would connect the two centers of mass and that the force of the interaction would be so intense! And they put the Moon back in orbit, didn't they? And now it's rotating, So we sort of made it all even better!'

'Wow... Now that you've explained it, I know what actually happened...'

'And what's up with you, Morgen? You haven't told me about your dream yet!'

'Well, I... Uum...'

'Jeeez, friend... You seem to have a speech impediment or something. Or maybe you're shy? That's okay - you can just whisper it into my ear.'

Morgen grew pale and tried to stumble back. I caught up with him and proceeded to violate his personal space by as-a-matter-of-fact-ly adjusting is breastplate with my claws and hissing right into his face:

'My dear Morgen, have you forgotten? Your dream is to be one of the first colonists on Venus. Don't upset your granddad, because statistically there's a fair chance that you and I can be related. And you wouldn't want to have an upset relative like me...' Morgen gulped.

'So what I want you to do is be a good lad and apply to fly as a volunteer. You do want to live on Venus, don't you?'

'I'd much prefer Mars, actually...'

'Mars is taken, Morgen. By me?'

'Completely? Are you planning on living there all by yourself?'

'That depends on how lucky I am.' My voice is a hissing whisper.

'Venus is a great planet! And they're gonna start terraforming in just fifty years. Yes, they'll need volunteers! And there are clouds! I love the clouds!'

'Have you sent an application already?'

'yYye... I mean, no...'

'What's stopping you?'

'I... I...F-f-f-f FUCK OFF, MAN!' Morgen leaped back, leaving a plate of his armor in my claws.

'I heard you about the dream, but I don't fucking need YOUR dream! I'll find my own, you can be sure about that! And quit that mind control shit, you fucking freak! You could have tried to convince me with rational arguments! At least out of respect!'

'Rational arguments are so last Tuesday! Or better yet, they were last Tuesday, even in my time! Nowadays everybody's using mental magic, now let's see. To implant thought and ideas, I need physical contact with the subject...'

'FUCK YOU!' And I hear the crashes of armored footsteps scurrying away.

'No respect for the wisdom of the elders...'

Pickle smacked me on the back of the head and ran after Morgen. And the rest of our heroic party started to move towards the dreaded Dungeon deeper into the woods.

'Daaaaaaaaaaamn...'

I couldn't make out who said it,  but I completely agreed. It seemed as though at some point, the green of the forest was cut away with some monstrous immaterial blade. Creaking and rotten trees reached for us with branches that resembled the horrific appendages of some unseen monstrosities. The fallen leaves were transformed into oily ash that still resembled the form it once had as if by some malignant spell. The reanimated corpses of small forest creatures dug around in the foliage. And FreakHead happily chased them around getting smudged in the filthy ashes.

In front of us loomed the objective of our quest. 

Castle of the necromancers, an erratic location. 

Time remaining before reassembly: 2 days, 7 hours, 18 minutes.

How does one describe a necromancer castle?

It's hard to pick up the right words, but the thing least of all resembled a castle. The walls were formed from spikes or bones, like large ribs. They were of all shapes and sizes, pressed together, and stuck outward in different directions.  The gates of this morbid location consisted of two enormous scapulas, and a pair of phlegmatic skeletons stood guard in rusty armor and armed with cleavers and shields. I couldn't make out any towers or buildings or roofs. I just saw a naked wall and a gate.

'So? Any ideas? What the hell is this place anyway?'

'Castle of the necromancers, a seven-level dungeon, inhabited by all manner of imaginable and unimaginable dead creepy-crawlies. There's one boss on every level. It'll either be a necromancer with a team of followers or a high-level undead creature.' Oakbreaker seemed to be reading this from some guide.

'Is there anything in there besides the undead and necromancers?'

'Nope, but isn't, like, this enough for you?'

'Steve!'

'Huh? Should I prepare to summon an inferno?'

'Nah, summon your gargoyle, tell it to bring beers and food. And by order of the team leader, make camp! We're in for one hell of a show!'

'Do you have another genius idea?'

'As always, Steve, I have a theory, not an idea!'

Everybody got busy. Under Faust's spells, the ashes were driven back. A luxurious rug and several comfortable chairs materialized from thin air. Once again, the carpet was covered in bottles, small barrels, and roasted meat that smelled absolutely delicious. Selena kept FreakHead away from the pale gargoyle with fire arrows. Elsper and Jace conjured an air conditioning spell together. This was turning out to be a really great picnic, considering that we were in the middle of a cursed forest.

When everything was set up, everyone sat around and stared at me with curiosity. I picked up FreakHead in my arms and proceeded to deliver a speech.

'Ladies and gentlemen! In front of us, you can see my first ever Dungeon, also known as a vault, a location filled with monsters, XP, loot, derelict treasures, and so on and so forth. And I wish to categorically state that there is no way in hell that I'm going in there!'

With that, I dropped the unsuspecting FreakHead and kicked him mid-flight in the direction of the undead keep.

'And he hits the bar...' Morgen phlegmatically muttered when the chimera hit the bone wall with a thud.

My pet was now scurrying towards me at full speed, with its cloak mode activated, and cuddling was definitely the last thing on its mind. Thankfully the oily ashes gave away his position. My second kick was a lot more powerful, and my pet finally flew over the wall. And it only cost me a broken leg and a mild poisoning, which Elsper immediately patched up. 

Pickle handed me a pint of beer and a plate of food, I made myself comfortable and got busy enjoying life. I took in the view of the peaceful blue sky above the sinister-looking Undead castle and smiled to myself. Somewhere on the periphery of my vision, I noticed to notifications of acquired XP. 

'What's on your mind, Fillin?'

'Just painting a picture with my imagination. "The Picnic near a conquered stronghold." Although this stronghold is more like devoured, not conquered. FreakHead is having a feast.'

'And I just made six hundred credits!'  I stared at Legolas in surprise, who mostly kept quiet until now.  

'How?'

'I've signed a contract to stream your adventures through my point of view. one credit for every thousand views...'

'Oooh, so we have a spy in our midst?! People, everyone who is streaming our adventures live, please, raise your hand!'

Only Faust's hands remained lowered.

'Fuck me... Selena!' The enchantress muttered "oops" and grew as red as a beetroot.

'If we... If I... And you!'

'I'm sorry! I really forgot! I swear!'

My palm slapped into my face. 

'And why the hell do we have so many views?!'

'Well, this is one lazy raid.' Answered Morgen.

'What do you mean?'

'Everybody's dumbstruck by the radical difference between the image on our stream and the info-logs. Judging by logs, we've cleared out the three upper levels with record-breaking speed.'

'Wow! I hope we don't end up with the "Firepit" effect...'

'Selena, what "Firepit" effect?!'

'Well, there was one incident about thirty years ago. A band of french elvish monks maxed out their resistance to fire damage and set out to hunt for fire elementals. Finally, they found their way to the Pit of the Fallen Gods. Home to the most powerful monsters in the Game, who, coincidentally relly entirely on Fire damage.'

'And then what?'

'Then after about three hours of farming, the infernal caverns were flooded by hordes of Undead. The Monks were trapped at the local respawn point for two weeks, I think. They renounced their genocidal ways, and the moral of the story is that the Game is really touchy about its balance.'

'And you're telling me this after I sent FreakHead crashing in there!?'

'Uuum... I guess we can just wait it out and hope for the best...'

Suddenly I saw a system notification, which managed to make it through my vast array of filters...

You have discovered a secret location, "Cavern of the Broken heroes." Four hundred years ago, an ancient legion of Heroes almost made it to the heart of the Dungeon. But Zar-At-Soth, the head of the necromancer coven, placed a curse on one of the halls. The bodies of the heroes that entered were frozen in time, while their minds were condemned to live and contemplate through the ages. Slowly being devoured by madness in cold dark silence. And when the wall of the hall crashed, the curse was lifted, and the crazed heroes have been set free. In their hearts, there is only hate.

Our party hurriedly finished their meals, gulped down the remaining wine and beer, and wiped their greasy fingers off on the clothes. 

Soon there came a loud rumble, the ground began to tremble, and a huge creature composed of all kinds of different bodies twisted together appeared over the ribcage-wall. Behind it rose a column of dust, and I could see crimson flashes of spells whizz by. The flesh golem grabbed onto the wall with one of its formless appendages and started to slump over it. But suddenly it was hit by one of the spells which cut him completely in half. And only part of the foul-smelling heap of bodies fell onto our side of the wall. It was then that I noticed FreakHead sitting on top. What was left of his golem started to wiggle, grew a few hundred small legs, and started running towards the forest.  The wall of the necro-fortress shuddered once again, and with a loud crash, part of it fell apart. And out of the clouds of bone dust, we saw the fabled Broken heroes.

"Yeah, no fucking wonder archeology isn't popular around these parts!"

Thre figures were sprinting at us in wedge formation. A colossal troll wearing only gauntlets and a loincloth while swinging around a hammer the size of an average tower. To his right ran a Knight in heavy plate armor bearing a scutum and a menacing lucerne hammer. And to the left was a red-eyed nightmare brandishing two short sabers, which I figured to be a dark elf.

And behind them, shimmered cloaked figures and formless shadows with bows and arrows. 

Suddenly I saw an arrowhead stop right in front of my face.  Selena caught it by the shaft without so much as a glance. 

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

"Fillin! The Drow's on you! Think you can manage?"

"The hell if I know! That's my first Drow ever!"

"Well, then try to be gentle!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!"

Elklas D'Choreh, Assasin.

Lvl 99 

HP: 82 000

I fly into the dark elf like a flock of birds into a jet turbine! Have you ever fought a jet turbine? There were feathers, cloth on minced meat flying in all directions. I manage to block only the fatal blows, that are aimed at my chest and head. I get blood on my spear reasonably quickly, and with another successful block, the elve's saber turns into a lush bouquet of flowers, and I manage to graze his hands with my talons. But his second blade caught me in the shoulder, feels like he almost cut through the bone. I lash out again with my spear, aiming for his blade. The second saber turns into a beaver, which smashes right into my face, making me drop my magic stick. The Drow didn't waste his advantage, produces two small daggers, and leaped at me. One of them hits me in the liver, but by rapidly transforming my head, I manage to catch the second on with my beak. 

We freeze for a moment, neither is sure of the next move. But I remember that I'm a fucking wizard. The Submission doesn't work. So I activate the Nightmare one. 

The elf's pupils dilate in horror, his hand begins to tremble, and I seize the opportunity to dig my beak into his collarbone.

You have crushed the will of your opponent. The seal of the curse has been broken. 

I hurry to roll away from under the elf's body as it begins to bloat and grows. A pair of segmented appendages bursts from his sides. His head contorts as his eyes bulge out and fill with gold. A set of enormous pincers tears his jaw apart. His legs entwine together and swell into one drop-like shape that is colored in black-and-yellow stripes. Finally, his back explodes into a set of wings.

"This would sure be a compelling argument for washing your fucking hands and deep-frying your meat!"

The giant hornet buzzed into the air, his elf hands still clutching at the daggers, the stinger at the end of his abdomen oozing with venom. From somewhere behind me, a fireball is sent straight at it. The giant bug just swerves to the side, absorbing the spell with the flurry of its wings. Lightning strikes from the sky, it makes the hornet flinch but doesn't even scratch its HP. The insect hovers higher, ready to dive down towards me. My hands turn into wings, and I leap towards it, aiming my spin kick at its head with all my momentum. The blow lands right under the pincers, and the head snaps off with a crunch. But the decapitated monstrosity still wobbles in the air, without so much as a thought of passing away. 

I look around. Things aren't going really well. Judging by a pair of boots and mantle in the middle of a cute little crater - that's where Vencer was casting his spells. Prof's body lays motionless with an arrow run through his temple next to a stone statue of whom I figure used to be an enemy mage. Selena is engulfed in an aura of flames, missing an arm, and spewing black flames at an unlucky enemy. I notice an unfinished pentagram with a half-eaten carcass in the middle. Steve never was good at speed-casting incantations. Morgenhand is covering Oakbreaker, who's come down with a massive hole in his hip. He's being healed by Elsper, but the priestess is bleeding profusely from her eyes and ears. Pickle and Louie are battling with three copies of a fully armored knight, and it's plain to see that they are a hair away from getting their asses handed to them. 

The troll seems to be angrily immobilized in a net of light.  About a hundred-and-fifty feet away, I spot an enemy mage, whos being covered by two archers, which are pouring down arrows at Legolas and Faust. The two of them are a sight to behold.

The elf's eyes are the size of a pair of hard-boiled eggs, and he has a really, really, really creepy smile on his face. Faust is hugging him from behind with a weird perverse tenderness while whispering something into his ear. Legolas's body is stuffed with at least a dozen arrows, and his hand grows into a bone claw. 

I rush to the Professor's body and start tearing into his flesh, which triggers my regeneration. 

Things start to escalate. Selena's opponent explodes, and the sorceress is blasted away into a nearby tree. One of the knight's copies pushes back Lou, while his two siblings tackle Pickle. Soon a cleaver splits the ogre's head open. Louie shout out a spell, and all three of the knights are swallowed up by the eath. The Paladin stares at the battlefield in awe but is soon to catch an arrow to the gut.  Morgen and Oakbraker rush to his defense and cover him with their shields, while Elsper advances to heal him. Seeing what's about to happen, I shriek:

"Don't you fucking dare! He'll fucking explode!"

Luckily Elsper stopped casting her healing spell, and none of us would have to witness what would happen with our chaos Paladin. We'll save the red mist for another day.

Finally, Faust finished his spell, and what used to be a cute albeit stupid elf rushed at the remains of the enemy team with blinding speed. A dwarf tried to stop him but was instantly sliced in half by the bony appendage. The next instant, the elf was in between the two archers and turned them into piles of neatly cut ribbons. The mage though, was quick to cover himself in a protective bubble, and a whisp of energy turned the ex-elf into a cloud of greasy ash. The second whisp was aimed at Faust, but he managed to block it with his obsidian blade and enveloped himself in an aura of his own, which was darker and a lot slimier. The wicked priest started to advance, standing between us and the mage.  I rush to Louie's side and grab him by the head. 

"Submit!"

You are the creator of the active curse. All spells unconditionally succeed on this target. 

"Kill the Bitch-ass Mage!"

Lou calmly rises, effortlessly lifts his terrible shield (Morgen and I weren't able to even make it budge) and with mace in hand rushes towards the sorcerer, who managed to reduce Faust to a slimy puddle a second earlier. 

The first spell whisp that hits Louie turns into a spill of water, the second - into a shower of sparks, the third - hits his shield and makes it ring like a giant bell. The next second the Paladin lifts the mage onto his shield and drives him into a wall before I can even get a look at the poor guy. Then he calmly pulled the shield from the dent in the stone and hit the gory stain where the head would presumably be. Just for good measure, I guess. Finally, Lou mechanically strode back to us, failing to notice the arrow that stuck out of his stomach. 

Suddenly we all heard a shrill ring, like from the shattering of melodic crystals. The troll that I already completely forgot about was now pissed and free. 

"FUUUCK!" - the three of us let out in unison. 

"Elsper, make sure we're not munched down! Morgen, let's go with the Sad elephant strategy!"

"Huh?"

"Just kick his fat ass!"

So we charge, I attack from the left, Morgen - from the right. I dodge beneath a swing of the hammer and jab my spear somewhere into his armpit. I don't have time to see the effect and strike again, hitting his lower back. My stick goes in about four inches. The troll bent forward, and I get kicked straight in the chest, flying into the same tree that Selena hit. Getting your head slammed into a tree makes you dreamy and contemplative. So I helped myself to sucking the meat off my girl's delicate fingers while watching Morgen jump comically around the troll. In a moment, my head was clear again, and I was graced with a genius thought. The troll's a big fella. He won't be expecting an attack from above. Big mistake. 

I transform myself into an owl and snatch my spear and blast off. Once I'm high enough, I dive-bomb down. But my swift pique didn't go as planned. I underestimated the troll's finesse. In a panic, I try to transform back, but it doesn't help. I barely manage to produce a  knife and cut into something slippery and awful-smelling. With a gut-wrenching crunch, I lose my leg. I scream as I slide down and plop into pungent slime. In a frenzy, crazed from the pain and being dissolved in acid I lash out at the soft tissue with all I have, while hearing a muffled shout:

"Nurse! C-section!"

I feel something cut into the wall of the stomach behind me. The insides begin spilling out along with me. My left eye goes blind, but somehow I feel it plop out of the socket. 

"Nurse! Looks like it's a boy!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"How loud he is! Must be a really healthy one!"

"AAAA! FUUUKING KILL ME! IT HURTS!!"

"What do you say, nurse? I'd say he's a whopping hundred and forty pounds!"

"UUUUGHH!"

"Nah, his leg's missing... I think it's something like a hundred and twenty-ish."

"KIIIIIIL YOUUUUUU!" - I start to bite into the troll's still-warm body. 

"Look at the instincts on this one! Nurse, look! Went straight for his mother's teat..."

"STROKE!" 

"God damn it, Fillin! Cut the shit! I'm all out of mana potions, and I have barely enough left for one resurrection! You see your fine! No harm done! Let me bring Morgen back." 

With great effort, I am able to pick myself up. All covered in stinking slime and blood. I see my left eye half dissolved on the ground. My naked left leg is pale and smooth, without so much as a single hair. I rummage in the remains of my clothes, all the knives are gone. And I find my spear lodged deep in the troll's eye. When did that happen?

"Umm, Fillin? What the hell is that?"

Elsper points towards the giant hornet, whos twitching and contorting in some grotesque metamorphosis. 

"That, Elsper, is a living, suffering example of what happens to you when you don't wash your hands in a dungeon."

"Wasn't he a dark elf before? So what? Did he get tapeworms or something?"

"Precisely! And during our epic battle, The Great and Powerful Me made him shit himself in terror! And that's what we got."

"Yeah, is it just me or does it look like it's growing its head back?"

"Oh? I guess we'll have to remedy that. Lou! You alive!?"

"Barely... What do you want?"

"Go ahead and heal this nightmare from reality! Before he inseminates all of us with that stinger of his!"

The Paladin cast a spell at the hornet. And then everyone heard Louie scream:

"EVERYBODY FUCKING RUN!!!!"

"Wha...?"

"I just cast "Devine protection"! And it'll last TWO HOURS!"

Three hours later. 

"This will be fun! MY ASS! Let's just grab some easy treasure! That's a great dungeon! Why don't we raid it! FUCKING LYING BASTARDS! THIS WAS AN EXPRESS TRAIN TO HELL, YOU LOW-LIFE SONS'O'BITHES!!!"

"How were we supposed to know it'd be this bad?"

Crunch.

"Fillin, would you calm the fuck down already?'

"CAlm DOWN?! Selena, the only thing that'll calm me down is A COMPLETE AND UTTER GENOCIDE OF EVERYTHING!!"

"Wow, easy now! Talk to me. What the hell happened?"

"Selena, my sweet, I spent two fucking hours at the Res-Point calling for help through the chat!  And not a single one of the pathetic hemorrhoids answered! Two hours! Face to Face! With A GIGANTIC FUCKING HORNET! He bit my head clean off FORTY FUCKING TIMES! That hellish beast came closer than anyone to claiming my anal virginity with that razor-sharp stinger of his! And just so you know - that venom he's got makes you swell up to the size of A SMALL BUS IN A MATTER OF SECONDS!"

"But you found a way out eventually, didn't you?"

"Yeah, Pickle! Whop-de-fucking-do! The great and Powerful, hornet-ridden Fillin lost all his weapons, had an only 20% resist to poisons, and all he could do was snap his fucking neck! With these bare hands! What an amazing skill! I've dreamed of this since I was a kid! And I bet it'll sure come in handy in the real world!"

"Shit, man! We said we were sorry!"

"Bitches! Cowards! And not a word out of you, you failed miscarriage! How does one even cast a two-hour divine bubble!? The world record for three whole centuries was TEN FUCKING MINUTES! TEN!"

"I..."

"And who the hell are those fuckers?!"

"The Green Blades. Their clan is in the top hundred worldwide, and in the top twenty on the continent."

"And how many of them are there?"

"About fifty..."

"How can you tell?"

"The forum..."

"And what are these poor bastards doing here?"

"They're collecting the loot. Soon they'll be ready to attack the Lich."

"Our loot?!"

"Well, yeah..."

"Morgen, name a national Jewish holiday. Nine letters."

"Yomkippur?"

"It's Yom Kippur! Two words! No, a national Jewish holiday is a holocaust!

*The MC is currently in a state of creative rage. The author does not support any anti-semitic views in any form*

Another hour later. 

"Fillin, are you sure this will work?"

"I am always sure!"

"But you're not even a necromancer..."

"Ask Faust, he sure knows!"

"Faust looks like he's about to have a full-body orgasm! What the hell have we drawn around the camp?!"

"Not sure what hell, but this is definitely gonna be fun, I promise. Morgen, get up."

"What for?"

"You have about ten minutes to dig a ditch."

The Green Blades squad was alive with activity. This whole mission was a walk in the park. The scouts spotted the Dungeon early, and right after the party of adventurers was wiped, the squad was able to move in. It was amazing that less than ten players cleared six out of seven levels, opened all the chests, found the secret room, and didn't take a single thing with them. There were no clan markers to be found, and the unfortunate adventurers didn't stand a chance against even a handful of the strongest members of the squad. All that was left was to gather the loot in the castle courtyard, clear out the Lich, and claim the reward. For an easy-peasy job well done. 

"Dude? Hey, Dude?"

Indrick, the leader of the warriors of the squad, was drawn from his pleasant thoughts by a knock on his armor-plated back. 

"Huh, what?"

He turned to see a young man, covered in rags, wearing a worn travel cloak with a large branch in his hand and a line of rope. 

Hayam The Travelling Bard

 Lvl 53

 HP 1600

"Dude, can you move over?"

"What? Move over where?"

"Well, I don't care where, just take, like three steps that way."

Dumfounded, Indrick walked to where the stranger asked him to. His mind was overflowing with questions. What was a low-level character doing so far from the large settlements? How the hell did he show up in the middle of a raid party? Why wasn't he detained by the sentries? 

The new-comer calmly threw the end of the rope over one of the bony protrusions that stuck from a nearby arch. He jerked on it a couple of times and proceeded to tie a noose. 

"What are you doing?"

"Committing suicide, can't you see?" said the man as he took a small chest of treasure and stood on it.

"Why? No, wait! You must live!" Shouted the utterly confused Indrick, watching the stranger put his head into the noose and tighten it near his left ear. 

"No!"

"But at least explain why."

" I'm too fucking awesome for this world." With that, the stranger flung out his arms, raised his head to the cloudless blue sky, started shaking the stool beneath his feet, and shouted: "Dark skies, give me strength!"

A figure of the ragged stranger dangling a few inches above the ground in the middle of a shocked camp might have been amusing. And Indrick, Touched by Light, a one hundred and thirty level paladin might have cut the poor sod down. But at that moment, the clear blue skies did indeed darken. 

Darkness began seeping upward from beneath the oily soil and grasped the bard's feet. His nik changed to "Fillin, Bringer of Chaos, Mentalist." Indrick tried to reach for his weapon, but his body was paralyzed. And the chat was disabled. 

You have entered a scripted scenario. You are unable to quit the Game or use the chat for the remainder of the script.

Meanwhile, the dark formed into a pedestal beneath the hanged man. Fillin began to transform: his torn rags were molding into an elegant suit, his noose tore, and turned into a tie. And a figure began to appear next to the tree. 

"You summoned me, Madman?"

"My Lady, you shouldn't be so harsh. I'm not your usual hogwash. I'm an Inspired Madman!"

"You summoned me! Why?"

How can a voice have no face? When you hear a noise, you always have at least some frame of reference to comprehend it in. Be it the squeak of a door, The rustle of wind, the sound of a string. Sure, you can mistake the sound of steps with the tapping of shutters. The rustling of pages with the soughing of fabric. The rumble of a fire and the growl of an animal. But you can tell the difference between the ring of glasses and a baby's cry. The sound of a broken branch and the gong of a bell. Scraping gravel and notes on a guitar. But here... The voice could belong to anything. To Time itself, to a little girl, to a grizzled old man, to a man or a woman. That voice had no face. 

"It's simple, my Lady. All I want is..."

"Power? Strength? Riches?"

"A dance..."

"A dance?"

"Is that so much to ask?"

"You risked your whole existence on a dance?"

"Yeup. Are you impressed?"

"I'll admit, traveler, I am."

"Dazzling women deserve to be impressed. That is our gift to eternity." 

"Well said. Fitting that I hear this from the mortal who challenges a third God."

"Enough words. Maestro! Music!" 

With that, Fillin stepped from the pedestal. His mantle of darkness was now a slick three-piece suit. The formless cloud around his dance-partner also morphed into a long silk dress with an open back. Her hood disappeared, and waves of curly silver hair streamed down her shoulders while her face remained concealed behind an elegant mask. 

"My Lady, you seem to be missing something." Fillin reached into Indrick's chest, tearing through his armor as if it were paper, and tore out his still-beating heart. 

"Thanks, man. We'll catch up later," whispered the smiling madman as he gave the bleeding heart to the incarnation of darkness. In her arms, it turned into a candy-apple-red rose, which she tucked behind her ear. 

Indrick couldn't wrap his mind around what was happening. With horror, he tore his gaze away from the gaping hole in his chest and looked around. Every member of the clan, the warriors, the mages, the assassins, the priests - everyone was under the spell of the dark skies. Some of them lined up into two rows, and that's when the real terror began. The back row reached out in sync, plunging their hands into their comrade's bodies and extracted their gruesome musical instruments. A guitar with the fingerboard fastened from a human spine, a violin with a fibia bow. A french horn made from ribs and pulsating muscles, flute, drums ... Indrick could not bear to look as his team-mate's bodies fell limply to the ground. Their faces calm and serene... 

The first notes of a waltz echoed eerily through the camp. The cursed freak, damn him to hell, led the woman in their blasphemous dance. She smiled charmingly, the red rose glistened in her hair. 

Their moves were getting faster, lightning bolts struck from the sky, thundering to the beats of the music. 

"Faster! Faster! What are you standing around for?" shouted the woman to the rest of the paralyzed players, who weren't yet part of the hellish festivity.  

"Dance! Dance!" 

And they obeyed. Their skeletons stepped out of their skins, shedding their flesh like suits. 

Indrick stood in the middle of this hellscape. The madman swirled around him, dancing with Death-incarnate, and the bloody frames of his team-mates followed suit. It was at that moment that Indrick stopped being an atheist.

Not so far away, Morgen, who had previously managed to dig out a respectable ditch, was swearing to himself to never piss-off Fillin again. NEVER! PISS-OFF! FILLIN!

Half an hour later.

I must definitely be insane. Hot damn, I'm feeling jacked! I killed like fifty people and feel so peaceful! Okay, virtually killed, but the peace is real enough for me! The dance with the beautiful lady was just the thing! Too bad, she's only code with infinity glistening in her eyes. But she was smokin' hot! And nobody around is whining or complaining. They're just gathering the loot, quiet as mice. 

"Fillin!"

Damn it.

"Yes, Selena, what is it?"

"There's still a Lich beneath the castle. Are we gonna kill it or what?"

"Not we, I'll take care of it! FreakHead! Where the hell are you?"

A curious gurgle sounded next to my leg.

"And where have you been, you unfixed glitch? Ran off, huh? You should be ashamed of yourself! Who is gonna clean up these tonnes of dead meat? What do you mean you don't know? Ahh, forget it!  C'mon, we've got an ancient Lich in the basement. He's probably waiting for us."

Barely managing not to break anything, I descended down the stairs. The seventh level was completely empty. Not even a skinny low-level skeleton to be seen. 

The supposed hall of the main boss was also empty. 

"Heeeeey! Anyone alive down here?! Ah, shit... Wrong question... Anyone!?"

Silence.

"FreakHead, where is everyone?"

The chimera confidently hippedy-hopped towards the farthest corner of the room, licking its lips greedily. 

"FreakHead! What happened to respect for your elders! Look what you've done to the old guy!"

Shriveled up in a corner behind a massive heap of all kinds of treasure was the Lich, in the most submissive, humiliated stance. 

Arch Lich

 Lvl 150

 HP: 260 000

"FreakHead, look how scared he is! Can you imagine living in peace, torturing poor souls, minding your own business? When all of a sudden, all kinds of rif-raf start banging on your door, making a mess upstairs, break all your toys and end up calling the Top Brass, and get all cozy with them. And you get all confused: should I roll over and pay up or do I stick with my duties? But if I overdo it, I'll get into all sorts of trouble. Otherwise, grandpa might have blown us all to smithereens. Easy peasy. So let's show some respect. Gramps, can you hear me?"

The Lich's green glowing eyes met mine. 

"Here, grandpa, a book for you. Covers the basics of building fortifications. So nosy heroes won't disturb your long-earned pension plan." With that, I handed the boss a book that contained all the needed information. I bought about a dozen of them when I got tired of reading everything when it hovered in front of my eyes, you can insert any data into them. 

"Anyways, don't mean any disrespect, best of luck to you! I hope you won't hold a grudge. C'mon, FreakHead, grandpa's got a cottage to refurnish."

"Yo, Fillin! Where's the loot from the basement?"

"On the Lich's lap. He's a wise, peaceful dude."

"You didn't kill him?"

"Why should have I?"

"Why do I even ask?" sighed Morgen. "You gonna help us carry it up?"

"Honestly, Morgen? You guys fuck around however you like."

"What about you?"

"I am shy! Plus, I gotta find a place to camp. It'll get dark soon."

Excursus 1

Two months later, a wandering dungeon called "The Necromancer Tower" appeared on the territories of the Dragon Blade clan - one of the ancient and most distinguished clans in the Forgotten Kingdoms. 

And that was the end of the powerful guild's existence. Later the location was reclassified as a heavily fortified area now known as the "Death Vat." The local forces were incapable of dealing with the fortress.  Multiple assaults yielded zero results. A respawn point positioned at the center of the dungeon and flooded with poison gas forced some of the best players on the continent to reroll. 

Only with the help of world-scale spells were the players able to erase the tower from the face of the planet.

But legend has it, that one day the wandering dungeon will appear again. Bigger, badder and more horrifying that before. Because some say, that the ancient Lich was able to torture one of the prisoners into giving him a book covering the basics of building fortifications, dated year 2360, and published by the Royal Engineering Academy.