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Chapter 8 - All roads lead to Gnome
Goreblaster wiped the gnome blood from his face and surveyed the scene. Not only was maths not one of his stronger suits, but he also didn’t even own any suits. But if every gnome killed by the sword produced two again, but crushing them only replaced the same gnome… then he was probably in some calculable amount of trouble. Indeed the horde had seemingly grown to perhaps three times the size, if not more, even as countless bodies of the assailants lay strewn about the floor.
His legs were a crisscross of small lacerations and shallow stabs, as if an artist had just learnt what crosshatch shading was and only had red paint. Much worse than the pain of the injuries was how right he had been - this amount of superficial wounds was annoying. Bleeding to death from a thousand cuts would be an annoying and anticlimactic way to die. Unless it was from a large monster made of - well like a giant book monster seemed apt. One that had a page-cannon and could shred the-
“Goreblaster,” Percy interrupted, “It’s almost time.”
A cold shiver ran down the barbarians spine, half expecting to suddenly be in a hospital bed or nursing home - but thankfully he remained in the middle of some woods surrounded by countless bloodthirsty gnomes. They had paused on their previously unrelenting assault, probably not so that Goreblaster could dream about a literary fiend to face. And that is when he noticed the light now emanating from the stone circle in the shape of a gnome face - point hat and all.
“Told you we shouldn’t have chased him here!” One gnome shrieked at another.
“You’re the one who bled everywhere on the circle!” A reply came.
Before long the area was awash with squabbling as each gnome in the cadre had a reason to blame another for the situation that now befell them. It was enough of a distraction that Goreblaster could pluck one from the floor, and he held the squirming creature aloft.
“Henry,” the barbarian whispered conspirational, “Henry over there told me the password already.”
“What! He would never,” the squeak of the gnome pared well with daggers his eyes shot over to point out a clone across the clearing.
“Yeah, he totally butchered the pronunciation though; it was embarrassing.”
“Idiot probably said it as Gnom-hur-uh, instead of Gnom-hu-ruh,” the clasped Henry shook his head.
“Gnomhuruh,” Goreblaster repeated loudly, much to the shock of all the gnomes, a gasp radiating around the encircled deviants. So too did the stones below him radiate, as a spark of green light flashed and pulsed out in waves, illuminating the horror in the tiny little bearded faces.
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“Portal card,” Goreblaster winked at Percy before the two of them twinkled out of existence.
A brief amount of nothingness that stretched out forever was cut short by the ground. The pair wheezed as the soft earth below their impact knocked the air from their lungs. The barbarian rolled to his feet, head dizzy as he adjusted to the new surroundings.
They found themselves in a new forest, much like the one before, but everything was just ever so slightly different. The trees were large and had an odd blue tint to them; pink and yellow globes of light hung from the highest branches, that illuminated a stone pathway that they found themselves beside. A warm breeze brought with it the smell of cinnamon and baked goods, which did nothing to disquieten Goreblasters hunger.
“Well, this looks like… a place,” he managed with a shrug. “The gnomes didn’t come through with us, at least.”
Percy rolled onto his back and sucked in air. “Neither did Fern. Although…” the assistant/manager sat up and glared to the skies, the circles of weird light reflecting in the thick lenses of his glasses. “The scale of this place seems off.”
“Never mind that. Where is the big gnome I have to stab to get my sanity back?” Goreblaster swung Pureheart in the air for a few test swings, like a proud papa playing with their child.
“Following the smell of food sounds like the best bet,” Percy stood and brushed the dust off the vague outfit he wore.
For once, it was nice to travel at a more leisurely pace. As much as Goreblaster was in a rush to get rid of the curse, after a day of running from literacy and murder-gnomes, the brief moment of planar tourism was a succulent fruit in comparison to the dirt and mud shovelled upon him thus far.
Perhaps Percy had been onto something, however. The trees were indeed both tall and wider than any he had seen previously, aside from his brief adventure in Dinosaur World. Although the pathway wasn’t so wide as to be unreasonable - a wagon would fit on it comfortably, but it wasn’t as though they had been shrunk down like the time against Alchemist Simon Says.
It was only when they got closer to the source of the tasty smell that some of the situation started to become clear - houses began to crop up, and although they were perhaps larger than your typical peasant cottage or townhouse, it again, wasn’t excessively out of proportion. The pair clambered up beside a nearby tree to peek around to see what lay before them.
Goreblaster slipped on an extra smooth part of the roots, almost losing his footing.
“Keep it together, Gore,” Percy rolled his eyes around and around super fast.
“Yeah, don’t want to get annoyed to death,” a deep voice hushedly boomed behind them.
The pair turned around to face a gnome, although it wasn’t gnome-sized. It was ogre-sized. Which is a rather abstract way of measuring things for those who have not met enough ogres to determine a medium height. However, this one, in particular, was eight feet tall, and the beady eyes were now large, dark orbs that stared down at the interloping heroes. A devious grin broke through the thick grey beard, as the greatsword-sized dagger was raised in bare-face intimidation (despite the aforementioned beard).
“You find him, Henry?” A second deep voice called from the direction of the houses.
“I want to eat him too,” the third voice carried with it malicious purpose, as the sound of footsteps approached.
Goreblaster slowly wiped the sweat from his (very soft) hands and licked his lips.
“I guess it’s time to go big, or go Gnome.”