Being a demotivational speaker is surprisingly challenging.  At least for me.  You see, I really, really cannot afford to let anyone know that is what I am doing. It is not the being killed for it that has me worried, it's the being tortured first.

  Oh, I am definitely getting ahead of myself here. Let me give you some background.

    I was doing an online job search, and the economy was _rough_. So I kept looking for more and more resume sites, job search engines, etc.  Eventually I came across one that promised results if you were willing to take a comprehensive online test, go through free training if needed, and were willing to relocate, possibly abroad.  At this point I was almost completely out of savings and thought, 'why not, if they offer me a job in at the North Pole I can always say no'.

      After what seemed like some pretty thorough intelligence, psychological, and knowledge tests I got a message saying that I would be contacted shortly.  The next day a man showed up at my door and that is when everything changed.

He started out slowly, saying that I would need extensive training, and that while it would be free as stated, in return I would be expected to sign a long term contract and relocate outside the United States.

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I said that this was not, in and of itself, a deal breaker for me, but there were both concerns I had and things that if I was to be honest I should tell him.  He motioned with his hands for me to go on, and I explained that I needed to make enough to cover my mortgage.  That if I was moving somewhere with less than modern infrastructure or significantly different weather I expected the pay to make it worthwhile and if it was a more dangerous environment I expected the compensation to be very generous indeed since there was a reason why I chose to live where I did.  Obviously I was thinking the whole time that I could no longer afford to be so picky, but you don't say something like that during a negotiation.

At the time it surprised me, but he mostly agreed, though he did give the caveat that we would be working these modifiers onto a starting salary that takes the current weak economy into consideration..

I asked him what this would look like, and we came to an agreement.  Basically I would continue to live in my house and make just enough to get by during initial training. Then move to a guaranteed safe but as yet undisclosed foreign location and make about twice as much for advanced training. Then I would move somewhere that he admitted would actually be both dangerous and have lousy weather and do dangerous work - but I would be paid a fortune to try to... Prevent a war.  If war never happened I would get a retire ultra rich bonus, but even if it did, I would be paid extra for hazardous duty plus incentive pay for minimizing the harm to a group of allies that includes both the people hiring me and the United States.  Until I moved, he would not tell me more.