After the accident that filled me in every atom to the fullest, I thought that I had reached its end and that it was time for that other part of life to appear from somewhere that stands on its opposite side.

That's why I started the search for happiness and something that can give it to me. I looked for joy everywhere. I wanted her to be reflected in my eyes at least sometimes, even if only a little so that others could also see her.

For me, a ray of happiness would be like a sunny day in the middle of a hundred gloomy and cloudy winter days. At least that's what I thought, and what was called life continued to pull and throw me as it wanted.

As my brother grew up, every new year, he became more and more problematic for himself, me, and our environment. He indulged in bad company, drink, and women. So the year came when he ended up in prison for robbing a German tourist, and he got six years in Lepoglava prison.

As much as it drove me into new despair, at the same time, it freed me from worrying about him so that in the following years, I could devote myself entirely to myself. It seemed to me that, now that I was alone, it would be much easier to find that, I thought, unfairly hidden harmony which, when I saw it, would lead me to my rightful place. My thoughts kept reminding me that somewhere there was some corner of joy that had been left for me and was waiting for me to find it.

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However, the years passed, and I never set foot on the path I had promised myself. The more I searched, the more I ran into detours with ambushes filled with lies, fake happiness, and immorality.

All around me were the beginnings of moral and social disintegration and the race for money. The race for something imaginary behind which everyone thought there was hidden happiness.

Instead of the whole world uniting into a single organism where everyone would search for the meaning and reason for our existence or at least eradicate unhappiness, the world elbowed each other recklessly. We all ran like beheaded in that abyss of stupidity, not paying attention to anything but our imagined needs.

So, due to insufficient racing abilities and other qualities and non-qualities, I got stuck between human worlds, so I could not join those who were said to be below, nor could I join those who thought they were above. Those down had nothing, and those who thought they were above had too much. I didn't have anything anywhere so that I could have been among those below. Still, I had accumulated too much consciousness for those times when the accumulation of consciousness was not counted as property. Therefore, neither did they receive me below as their own, nor did those above want me among them.

I didn't belong anywhere.

It's my turn today to admit that I often stayed on those racing sidetracks even though I knew somewhere deep inside that it was wrong.