The last few hours taught me a thing or two. Hiking was doable because your surroundings kept changing, which was not the case here. You’d also usually set out well-fed, hydrated and rested. Again, not the case here. I was hungry, thirsty, on edge with a headache and desperately trying to ward off the bad thoughts.

The only thing keeping me sane was pausing to listen against walls and floors every now and then, but chain-smoking helped. Everywhere I went, the tasty aroma followed. Filterless cigarettes didn’t taste so good though, but the normalcy of it comforted me. Less normal were the endless corridors. Plenty of corners at odd angles, I swore I’d come across everything except a proper 90-degree turn, but at least the floor kept level.

I started out going almost true north-east, according to my magic mind-weathervane, but my heading had eventually been perverted to west. Maintaining my original direction wasn’t meant to be since I’d gotten tired of backtracking over and over from dead ends. There were a lot of those. Whoever made this place had way too much time on their hands, although that meant we had something in common.

The only special thing about these hallways was the undead abomination population and the fact it was a maze. I’d found another of the bone golems an hour or so back and utterly demolished it, which at least improved my mood for a while. It was basically the same creature. I even pioneered a bit of a magic-sword technique there, if pioneering meant trying the first thing which came to mind. I swung both my arms from the same side towards jaw arm in a bait and switch to hit it with the lagging arm. It turned out to be very effective.

Another energy nail brought my total up to two. Putting them close together caused a fusion, at least when I thought-told them to. Sadly the System hadn’t rewarded me with a level up for making another kill. While a little tense, I still ended up being surprisingly alright with the whole maim and slaughter thing. An idea followed the reflection, one of trying to absorb energy from the crystalline fingernail.

Immediate gratification was in effect as I’d gotten two mana from thinking ‘absorb’ while holding the tiny crystal, it disintegrated with faint crackling noises as a result. My mana supply had gone up all the way to 6, while the System’s user-friendliness bottomed out at zero.

It would’ve been nice to know all this beforehand instead of having to figure it out by my fucking self. The tutorial definitely needed a redesign with a strong focus on including important information. I wasn’t going to advocate for it though, since there was no point in picking an unwinnable fight.

I hadn’t thought it possible anymore, but something interesting happened after another two hours of walking vaguely west. The rickety crickety of another abomination had put me on high alert but the tempo was all off. Peeking around the corner revealed two of the fuckers. And they were fighting, although that was me being generous.

I felt a bit embarrassed about having been taken for a spin by one of them, considering the hilariously dumb fight in front of me. They had serious issues harming each other and the softer scary bits of the appendages were ruined and the whole thing had devolved into an ineffective wrestle which stopped the moment I approached. It would take a bit of work but they were essentially helpless so I started a-choppin’.

I was starting to get the hang of this and a sadistic streak seemed to have taken root within since I even enjoyed it. That wasn’t meant to last as my headache worsened. Once the adrenaline wore off, every labored breath and pressured heartbeat sent a spike up my skull.

It had been a while since my last proper rest and my thoughts were getting progressively dumber. Everything was sore as well, probably something to do with avoiding anything sporty since the pandemic. I sat down for this one. A quick interface check revealed another level up. Stats had gone up again and the class box blinked but sustenance came first. Two more magic fingernails had entered my possession, which were promptly converted to energy so I could cast ‘create food and drink’.

I swore a lot, it was just in my nature. But this time I cussed up a storm which would’ve made a sailor blush. Wished I had that kind of creativity in my day-to-day. My ‘food and drink’ had appeared out of the ether unto the floor and gently so, thank the System. My meal looked suspiciously much like a maccie d’s cheeseburger and a small coke, complete with branded wrapper and plastic cup. No straw.

I cursed ‘the System’, ate every last crumb and pocketed the wrapper after licking it clean. The cantrip was remarkably authentic since it even nailed the ‘too much ketchup’ part. Then I had a smoke. Along the way I’d resolved to save my death sticks for special occasions like dinner, waking up, or drawing my next breath. Taking a step called for celebration, right?

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My gaze snapped and my heart skipped a beat. The smoke wasn’t going straight up, it angled. That meant airflow - it had been there all along but I hadn’t been paying attention. After getting up I promptly sat my stupid ass back down again and opened my interface, nothing had changed except my magical endurance had gone up to 28. It was ‘skill-tag vocalization’ time. I already had a clear picture of what I wanted, having stumbled upon an obvious idea.

My ability and the sheath skill mentioned swords I control. I was doing all kinds of video game crap by thinking, so I’d landed on telekinetics. I was truly a mental giant, unsurpassed in my analytical prowess. Perhaps I even bordered on genius. Were I to put it into words more appropriate for one of my mental stature then I’d have said “Me think good.” Slipping again.

Of course I didn’t actually say it out loud, but getting the phrase printed and framed at some point wasn’t out of the question. Maybe I’d even put it up on my bedroom ceiling, so I could wake up to the affirmation every day. Of course, I’d have to find a printer in the post-apocalypse first, and a bedroom. The skills kept on coming so I saw no reason to change my selection strategy. And my first choice wasn’t bad at all. Admittedly, I’d have to find some free time to practice at some point to fully realize the potential. My inner critic reared up and kept asking when that was likely to happen.

I considered using the tag ‘control’ but I was afraid about it having a chance of backfiring, possibly leading to something silly like letting me claim ownership of swords. “Hey Gabriel, what’s your superpower? Theft.” I didn’t really have a basis for my mistrust but the entire situation made me wary and ‘the System’ apparently played fast-and-loose with the meaning of words. One of my friends was a pedantic software engineer who’d go fucking ballistic over that. Shit. I was losing it. Playing out conversations in my head was the crucial piece of evidence.

“Telekinesis”

‘’Skill chosen: Control.”

Maybe I had to stop thinking angry thoughts about the System. I read the description.

[Control]

“Manipulate swords you control with your thoughts. Exertable power is half of yours. Range: 3 meters. Cost: None.”

The wind called to me, but some testing felt appropriate. I moved it with my mind though it was a conscious effort – not very intuitive at all, like trying to write with your off-hand. The sensation blended weirdness and exhilaration, while the feedback was out of this world since I could feel the sword like it was a part of me. My next observation excited me a little less, it turned out half of my exertable power was not all that much. I guessed the culprit to be physics. I essentially fought gravity which didn’t leave much force for anything else.

The sword weighed little so I couldn’t build much momentum either. A downward attack would probably do at least some damage though, but nothing compared to my own swings. This skill was actually kind of bad and more like a parlor trick than a combat ability, so I quickly lost interest. I’d experiment again once my sword stockpile exceeded one. Maybe it would be a redeeming factor. I doubted it.

The wind called again and I listened for once and followed the subtle draft. The ubiquitous halls were as clinically clean as ever, with no dust or discernable smells if you didn’t count cigarette smoke. It only took rounding two corners to find my salvation - a stairway which went up. Anywhere would be better than here. I picked up the pace and my vision expanded as I exited the hallway into a room. There were three interesting things here. Well, well, well, don’t spoil me now. This was the full silver-spoon experience.

As usual, the room was uniformly lit like the previous hallways despite a lack of any discernable light sources in either. Similarly, I couldn’t see very far before clear vision made way for shifting shadows. It also had four hallways splitting off from it and each aligned exactly with a cardinal direction. I’d come from the east. The northern hallway wasn’t even drab cave stone but actually tiled, still could do with a bit of paint – any color would be a major improvement at this point.

There were visible but tiny seams between the tiles, at least on the floor. The walls were the boring same old. This was some suspicious shit right here. My examination of interesting things culminated in the stairway, which led straight up at an almost 45 degree angle before it began rounding away. So technically there were four interesting things in the room. I wanted to rush up the steps and hopefully get out of here, preferably towards anywhere less bland.

But I had a dumb idea which took precedence. I used my newfound telekinetics and poked the 60x60 tiles one at a time with my magic sword and surely enough my efforts were rewarded when one of the tiles moved at touch. It went up. Fast. And hard. I reflexively pulled at my sword with my mind which was rather lucky, since it got wedged between the ceiling – ‘bout 3 meters high – and the rising block.

This series of events promptly launched it at my face, where it disappeared right before making contact. For once, I didn’t flinch. The tile failed to connect with the ceiling, at least I thought so since there would’ve been a bang from the impact and no chance that I’d successfully have kept my eyes open. The eerie silence of it all felt deeply disturbing.

My sword made it through undamaged, I just knew. I patted myself on the back in a surge of pride and stashed an idea for later. I tried scratching ‘’DEATH TRAP’’ on an untrapped square with my magic sword but I couldn’t damage it at all so I settled for the cave floor before, then I vandalized a bunch of arrows which pointed at the text. There, couldn’t miss it - couldn’t miss the confirmation either. This was a dungeon. Hopefully I wouldn’t meet any dragons. I didn’t believe in jinxing shit.

I made my way up the staircase while anticipating glorious natural light and whiffs of fresh air and resolved to never return here again. It was the blandness that did it, what a crappy hike this turned out to be.