I should’ve tried for ‘cure disease’. One of my many redeeming qualities was a knack for learning things the hard way. I trudged onward while shivering in the wind. I didn’t have much choice. At least I hadn’t seen a single critter, Errant or otherwise, since setting off from my cozy little cave. I followed the edge of the bushrootvinebranchwall and searched for a path which didn’t involve rock-climbing.

I was in luck, it only took about 5 hours before I realized there were converging streams I could follow to escape my present surroundings. Less lucky was that I’d gone the wrong way, so after 5 hours of backtracking I ended up right where I’d started. After rewarding my progress with a meal, I set off again. A couple of hours after the sun passed its zenith. Something about the passage of time felt odd but I wasn’t exactly in the best shape and thus unwilling to contemplate much of anything.

My arm wasn’t doing any better and I shivered despite the increasing daytime warmth. Probably nothing to worry about, so I trudged onwards and ate my md’s on the road like a real outdoorsman. Very uneventful stuff all in all, I wasn’t sure whether the quiet was a blessing or a curse. Eventually I reached a small stream a couple of dozen meters wide and decided to follow along, the icy gletsjer gave way to… I didn’t care. Dusk approached and I found myself another cubby.

I woke up to the tell-tale migraine of being utterly shitfaced. I wanted nothing more than to snooze a few dozen times but that wouldn’t help me get home. I’d passed out drunk in a dead-end alley for some reason. It didn’t seem likely that a drunk and disorderly would be warned away in my current state so I had to reach my own bed no matter what. I tried calling a cab but I’d lost my phone somewhere.

This turned into the longest walk home I ever had. Did I move further from the city? I couldn’t remember, so nothing out of the ordinary there. The cops kept getting up close and personal but I just waved them away with my glow stick, man they were out of shape. Had I been at a rave? I thought so. I certainly smelled like it, hadn’t gone to one of those in a decade at the least.

I stumbled and shuffled, then dragged myself onwards anyway - had to keep going. A mantra of one foot in front of the other played in my head. Momma didn’t raise no quitter, that’s why I kept smoking. I lost my grip on the glow stick a few times - we’d gotten close so I refused to leave it behind. It would be my talisman, a memento of this great spiritual journey.

‘Christ, I shouldn’t have moved. What idiot lives days away from the city? At least I had the presence of mind to keep getting some mcd’s so I wouldn’t wake up hungry. Should’ve bought some soberness but they weren’t selling any of that… I wondered what drugs I took to end up like this. Whatever they were, they were good. I neglected to pay for the burgers since my wallet had joined my phone in its journey to a random lost and found department. Ah well, it would be fine. Stealing was just a misdemeanor, right?

The city had really gone to shit while I was out partying. Roadwork never stopped around here but this bordered on the ridiculous, I couldn’t find any flat pavement to save my life. I stumbled a couple of times but luckily my beard cushioned the fall. Should lay off the drugs for a while, forever would do the trick. The water authority had been slacking since the river was well out of bounds. I remembered the city had plans to make it more nature-y. At least something went well on that front. The tundra look really wasn’t my style but no one asked for my opinion about such stuff anyway.

At least the cops stopped bugging me, no idea what their problem was but they let it be. That was for the best since I racked up an impressive amount of potential assault charges on my homeward voyage. I’d need a good lawyer after this, one capable of convincing a judge my glow stick wasn’t a real weapon no matter how much the five-o exaggerated. Then again, the argument might fall flat considering I had a pocket full of tooth chips. I wasn’t sure when or how I’d gotten those off the cops but who really cared about unimportant details.

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I finally saw home. I was a fucking idiot, trading my sweet apartment for a shitty tree house. At least it had a fence, got to have a fence. When did I get roommates? Ah, well. I waved and committed their faces to memory. Fuzzy, blurry and beardy ran towards me and shouted some nonsense. My head cleared and left me stunned by the fact I’d reached civilization alive. Finally I could die in peace.

I dropped my sword a few steps before collapsing. Tried reaching for it but couldn’t be arsed to put in any real effort. Oh well, a little welcome present. Someone was about to lose a hand. I felt a little sorry about that, it would make digging my grave a wee bit more difficult. Reveling face down in the comfort of my dirt bed, I passed out.

The big guy suffered a clerical error considering I ended up in heaven. Pretty sure my intended destination was the other place. I didn’t know which angel was in charge of accounting, but I knew they were getting sacked soon for incompetence. Probably someone in management, mistakes like that were always management’s fault. Ultimately the afterlife didn’t live up to the hype. The stories made it out to be a fun place but I felt like shit. I hoped this angel didn’t work in accounting. She was the prettiest thing I’d ever seen.

Beautiful stringy hair matted against her forehead. She carried the sweet scent particular to someone who didn’t believe in showers but still insisted on going to the gym three times a week. The delicious perfume of her breath caressed the inside of my nose and sparked memories of week old lasagna left to fester on the kitchen counter during a heat wave. An endearing look shone in her eyes, so intense it spoke to me, whispering ‘’He’s not going to make it’’. Heaven wasn’t so bad after all.

Chef-angel needed to go as well. Top floor desperately needed some corporate restructuring. She fed me the blandest broth of my life. Some salt wouldn’t hurt, although this dish was well beyond redemption anyway. Coke didn’t make for a great aftertaste either, but beggars couldn’t be choosers so I sipped both greedily. Plating had been all off too, what restaurant served soup in paper cups? My mind cleared up slightly. I gathered all my strength and confessed my true love. I wanted to make it a proclamation but it came out as a weak whisper.

“Cigarette,” I declared.

That didn’t come out quite right. I needed a lighter too.

She graced me with a smile followed by a look of utter confusion as her budding unibrow scrunched up. I wasn’t entirely sure about her expression to be honest. The beard got in the way. A grand gesture then - those were worth at least a hundred words. I weakly swept my arm and half a dozen burger-coke combos populated the floor-bed I had been generously allotted. Now I was sure of it, definitely smiling. Confident my feelings had been sufficiently communicated to great effect, I passed out again.

I kept dozing off and coming to. I suspected this was what a heroin addiction felt like, minus the high. I could scratch it off my bucket list now. As they kept feeding me more tasteless broth, my health slowly improved to the point I stopped performing a faithful re-enactment of an asylum inmate.

Still too weak to hold a conversation, I laid there and stared at the curved branchy ceiling while smoking cigarettes. I even shared one with Jack. Raj and Anne didn’t smoke - their loss. The ciggies gave me strength. Anne appeared from the gap in the round wooden walls, the disapproving frown on her face warmed my heart, and she told me to save my health and stop smoking indoors. She left after checking up on me. One more nap later and I was capable of making small talk with Jack, who’d been assigned to watch over me.

“So, what’s your class?” I asked.

“Can’t say.” Jack was not a man of many words and not very forthcoming either from the looks of it.

“Why not?”

“Try tellin’ me ‘bout yours.”

Never one to turn down an opportunity to talk someone’s head off, I proceeded to warble incoherently.

“See?” he said.

“What the everloving fuck?”

“Can’t talk about your class, ability or skills. Most o’ the other stuff too. World’s gone to shit. Not even sure this is Earth anymore.”

Okay, so he was a little forthcoming. “No way around it?”

“A few, but you’d better focus on gettin’ better. Think you’ll be fine goin’ by that mouth o’ yers. Thanks for the smoke. Gotta do my rounds.”

I wanted to scream ‘don’t go’, but my smoke was done so instead I parted with a “Least I could do“, we exchanged nods and I let him go. Swell guy. He didn’t give a shit about smoking inside which made him a-okay in my book. I drifted off again, never had such an easy time falling asleep.