I glared at the glowing red lights of the fancy car infront of me through half-lidded eyes as exhaustion slowly ate away at food-depraved innards. Temptation pulled my finger to honk the horn, whether out of boredom or anger is up in the air.
But I was definitely upset.
Four hours! Four hours I have been stuck on the accused asphalt in my dingy blue little beetle car with nothing but endless honking of the damned and an empty coffeecup! ‘Damn it! Do something!’ I yelled in my head and finally hit the horn of my vehicle.
Only to find out with a wheeze and click that the damn thing is broken. Glaring at the small little symbol of who knows what company I realized with a start that the honking of other cars had wonderfully disappeared, and as I slowly raised my head I was able to listen to the chirping of birds, and finally peering outside through my half-smeared window I was met with the inside of a flourishing jungle, a tree happening to be planted right infront of my car.
Staring blankly I slowly swiveled my head around to take in the surroundings. And much to surprise I spotted a dingy white little house through the trees.
Slowly all of my shock, surprise, and bewilderment settled into three words I found describe my preposterous scenario really well.
“...What the fuck…?”
However even as I patiently waited the illusion failed to fade, and honestly it started to piss me off. Blood pressure rising I forcibly unbuckled myself and kicked open the car door- the handle never worked properly- and violently stepped outside with the wrath of an angry god. Glaring around my surroundings I stalked over to the danky little house, ripping a few branches and bushes in the process, remembered I didn’t stop my car, stalked back, turned it off, and finally made infront of the houses surprisingly pristine white metal door.
I then came to the realization that this might be an intrusion of property and that the owner of the house had every right to shoot me depending on what country we were in, and a slightly worry tingled my chest.
Then I realized I don’t care and rapped the door three times with the back of my hand, “Hello? Anyone?” I looked at the side of the house for a window to peer through despite the chance that I might look like a perverted peeping tom, but failed to find a single window at ground level.
Looking back to the door I found it was open, and slightly more surprisingly was that the insides seemed infinite, stretching into a white abyss over a seamless glass floor. Deciding I was going to treat this as perfectly normal I walked inside the room and looked around for someone to talk to, quickly finding a busty well developed, sleek and curvy black but white-spotted woman staring at me in amusement from the comfort of bony throne.
“Quite calm aren’t you?” She said in a voice that seemed to shake the ground I was standing on and pull on my heart.
Shaking my head and deciding that commenting on her partial albinism is probably rude I rid myself of the thoughts and leveled a glare at her, “No, I’m quite angry actually.”
She smirked, “I see. Well then don’t just stand in the entrance,” She gestured for me to come closer, “Come sit.” She said and patted her lap.
I stared at the woman, who I am going to make the illogical assumption is god, dubiously. “Why do you want me to sit in your lap?”
“So I can touch you, my child.”
“That is pedophilism.” I answered without missing a beat, brief memories of uncle Hank being pulled out of the house by burly mountain cops flashing through my head.
A displeased frown lighted her features, “Sit.”
“No.”
“You must.”
“I must not.”
She leveled a glare at me and I felt my soul shivering in fear, but of course being a modern 21st century man-woman thing of some gender or other I proudly stood tall. Well, as tall as a food-deprived young adult with a permanent slight hunch could be.
This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
She growled and the glass under me shook, and the next instant I found myself seated upon her surprisingly comfortable lap as she looked at me with an amused smirk, arm gently snaked around my waist but without a doubt stronger than any vice the modern world could make.
I looked her in the eye, “You’re a horrible santa.”
“I’m not santa.”
“You didn’t even get me my christmas present.”
“It’s not christmas.”
I hmphed and turned my head to the side. Suddenly the woman burst into laughter, and I felt my soul responding, happiness that I made her laugh creepily wandering into my head without my consent.
“Well then child.” She said and pulled me closer to herself, and damn she was tall. At least two meters in height compared to my 1.7, the perfect height to uncomfortably smush my shoulder into her breasts. Soft and heavenly mind you, but I haven’t had social contact since I entered high school and with a woman for the past twenty-six years. “Shall we start discussing your future?”
“What about it? I mean considering here I’m probably dead.” I said in monotone, desperately trying to deal with the awkwardness of being in close contact with a woman, a very, very sexy and strange woman, but a girl nonetheless.
She nodded in confirmation, “Yes, you died. And since your death was the fault of warring gods related to me you fall under my jurisdiction.” She nodded again with a smirk, “Not to mention that same war caused you to gain partial divinity as well.”
I cocked an eyebrow at that. “Partial divinity? Me?” I let it sink in for a moment before leveling a ‘I don’t believe you’ look at the goddess.
She snorted, “I’m not surprised you don’t, after all the way you gained it is completely ridiculous and almost unnoticeable.”
“Oh really.” I was desperately trying to ignore the breasts pushing against me, but her arm pulled me inwards and rubbed them onto my skin- wait when the hell did my shirt come off?
“You weren’t wearing one in the car.”
Right. Forgot about that. “Anyway how did I gain divinity?”
“Exposure mostly.”
“Exposure?”
“Mm, where shall I begin…?” She pondered for a few long seconds, “Do you remember that fly you swallowed when you were six?”
“No.” I answered obviously. Swallowing flies was the least of my problems at that point.
“Well that fly was the fifth son of Beelzebub who was sent to infiltrate the world and corrupt it with its many eggs it was about to lay.” She coughed, “Since you swallowed it you technically saved the world, but that alone isn’t enough to give you divinity.”
She then continued with her tale, “After that when you were sixteen you found Daedalus's keyboard, a divine class artifact capable of dictating what monsters appear in the labyrinth after his fall, and since you used it so much you acquired a part of its soul- not to mention created several monstrosities, races, and saints in the labyrinth; but that is not important.
After that the soul of Hercules, who unfortunately was turned into a coffee bean by a certain witch, found its way into your hands when you were experimenting with eating them raw, which you promptly swallowed and collapsed into a coma for thirteen days. Miraculously you managed to overpower his soul and gain some of his power and get closer to divinity.
And then-”
“Alright alright I get it!” I frowned in displeasure, “Now tell me, if I had all that, how did I die?”
The woman snickered, an amused gleam in her eye, “Well, due to Aphrodite’s pendant being hidden in the floorboards of your car you attracted Freya’s army who wanted control of it and they promptly obliterated you with a divine armament.”
My eyebrow twitched in annoyance, then I sighed and looked at the goddess in defeat, “Alright, so what is going to happen now?”
She smirked again, “Well, I’m going to be reincarnating you into a world I made on a whim, and you’ll find it similar to many of the novels you have written.” She grinned happily, “So what do you say?”
I sighed and rubbed my heavy eyelids, “Sure sure, let’s get this over with.”
“Aw~” She purred in my ear, causing me to fidget uncomfortably, “Don’t be so sad, I’m sure you’ll entertain me well~” She ended with a smirk.
“Will I get a cheat of some kind?”
“Not one from me, your soul is enough of one already.”
I raised an eyebrow to ask, then promptly thought better of it and sighed again, “...So… When am I leaving?”
“How~ about~ Now! *Smooch~”
The damn woman! I sputtured for breath as our lips disconnected, but before I could shout my frustrations I found myself flying through space at warp drive, my body slowly being pulled apart like numb jello. Of course this left me without the ability to talk, but it didn’t stop me from violently cursing a large cow.
With a sudden jolt my soul was torn from my body, and pulled at a 72 degree angle towards what seemed to be, for all intents and purposes, a fucking blackhole. ‘Staring’ at it despondently I just shrugged my non-existent shoulders and waited for impact; which, all things considered in space, happened relatively quickly.