What does it mean to die?

For some, it may be a tragedy, an abrupt farewell to everyone you’ve ever loved and everything you’ve ever known.  For others, it may be a joy instead, a bittersweet release from the painful confines of life. Sometimes, maybe it’s both.

For Song Junhee, death comes as a complete surprise.

Junhee likes to call himself a musician. He’s a celebrity, to be fair, a singer and songwriter who found home on the stage. He won’t call himself a prodigy, even if some others do.  Sure, he can learn to play instruments within minutes, and he could be an entire one-man-band if he wanted to, but his pitch isn’t always perfect, and he’s critically incapable of dancing. He’s trying his best to learn at his best friend Hyunjun’s behest, but keeping the beat while playing the drums isn’t quite the same as popping and locking.  Being a singer and an idol aren’t quite the same, it seems, even if the two of you trained together and almost debuted together too.

It’s hard to find time to relax enough to even try dancing, these days. He’s two weeks into his second cross-country tour. His fanbase is rapidly expanding and spreading across the globe, and he’s racing towards the peak of his fame a little faster than he can handle.  His fans don’t need to know about his worries, he doesn’t want to worry them too. 

Right now, he’s sitting in the backseat of his manager’s car, the other man briefing him on his schedule for next week. The administrative side of fame is much less glamorous than performing, but Junhee loves music as much as he loves sharing his music. It’s what his mother loved, too. She was the one who opened his eyes to the world of music, the one who taught him to play piano, the one he’d idolized when he was much younger and she was still alive to pat him on the head and tell him he could do anything he wanted. 

It’s why he chose this life.  Music is a part of him, it manifests in the drumming of his heart, the way his fingers tap against his thigh to the beat of what could be a new song.

"Junhee, are you listening to me?"

“Definitely! I’m always listening.” Dutifully, Junhee recites everything important that’s been planned for him next week. Two nights of concerts along with dress rehearsals and compulsory dinners with the accompanying band; a radio show and interview as well as a performance with the host, who was his upperclassman at music school and a close friend even to this day; live streaming his attempt at disguising himself and infiltrating a rookie band he’s now invested in after watching their busking for weeks.  He was their tenth follower on YouTube, actually. They’re growing, slowly but surely. Junhee has faith in them, and his faith is rarely ever misplaced.

He hadn’t been listening to Manager Kim, actually. Car rides are always better for sleeping and composing. It’s hard to concentrate on words when he could watch the traffic lights whizzing by.

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It must be obvious, because Manager Kim laughs, and Junhee watches his eyes crinkle at the edges in the rearview mirror.  "Never change, Jun-ah. Never change."

It’s been almost fifteen years since Manager Kim has known Junhee. He’d practically raised him, looked after him since he was a fresh-faced trainee, with hints of acne and gangly limbs.  He’s come to see the singer as a son.  Look at Junhee, he likes to brag to his friends sometimes, he’s a solo artist and the whole world’s gonna know his name. He’s come so far from the shy little boy I used to know.

Manager Kim had never married or had children either, and who better to take under his wing than Junhee, whose mother passed away not long after he joined their entertainment company, whose father had never been present in his life? Who better to adore than Junhee, who was kinder than the world deserved and so much more passionate about music than the company’s own money-hungry CEO was? It was rare these days to find idols who loved their jobs and their fans more than the benefits reaped.

Junhee's bodyguard huffs out a smile at their interaction from his sllt in the passenger seat next to the singer.  Lee Manshik hasn’t been Junhee’s manager for long, and he’s still getting the hang of working around an idol’s intense, hectic schedule, but Junhee has been nothing but respectful so far.  The young man even indulges him in conversation every now and then, and asks him about his family and how they’re doing. His previous clients had never done that before. He’s used to shadowing celebrities - many of them are far too self-absorbed to notice him around. Manshik had mentioned once that his brother’s then-fiancé - now wife - was a fan of Junhee, and Junhee had volunteered to perform at their wedding way too happily.

Manshik is starting to understand why so many people adore Junhee for more than his looks and his music.

Manager Kim’s eyes flick from left to right, watching the green pedestrian light blink. Soon, it’ll turn red, and it’ll be time for them to drive to their next destination. These stops in time are the only reprieve they get in an idol’s life. Junhee is once again humming under his breath, fingers tapping in a mockery of playing the drums. He looks worlds away, lost in a melody Manager Kim and Manshik can’t quite hear just yet.

Soon, if Junhee is happy with it, they’ll get to hear it.  So many of Junhee’s best songs have started like this - humming distractedly while waiting for something bigger to happen.

The lights flash and change color, Manager Kim presses his foot down on the pedal.

Manshik sees it first. His eyes widen as a black Hyundai van comes hurtling towards them from the left.  He makes eye contact with Manager Kim in the rearview mirror, both of them with the same grim expression and the same thought in their minds.

Manager Kim tries to drive them to safety somehow, like that would help anything.  Manshik leans over to shield Junhee with his own body, eyes shut, praying for all of their safety.

Manager Kim hunched over the wheel is the last thing Junhee sees before Manshik covers his eyes. Small blessings in the face of death, maybe.  He doesn’t want to die like this.

All his hopes, loves, dreams… He doesn’t want to lose it all. Not like this.