Killing gods had never been part of my life plan. But hell, losing my best friend in the Army and then spending three years in a temple in the mountains of Tibet had never exactly made the vision board.
No, it all sort of happened, as life often does.
The day I returned from the temple, I still hadn’t believed in gods. Maybe there had been a time before the ambush, before holding my buddy Brian as he bled out, but not anymore. I’d managed to find peace in the Tibet, and convince myself that life without gods or a god could work. That I could go on, and live as a normal member of society again.
I let myself into my sister’s place, finding the key right where she’d said she would leave it for me—no, not under a door mat, but hidden behind a little fairy door on the backside of a lemon tree. The entire place felt comfortable and familiar. It smelled like my sister’s perfume and cooking. Toys belonging to my nephews were scattered across the floor. They were mundane, everyday details that Lila and Titus probably wouldn’t even notice when they came back home, but they stood out to me. It was little details like this that I’d missed the most while I was gone.
First I headed for the shower, knowing they’d be home soon and I didn’t want this mountain man version of me to be the first thing my nephew saw after such a long time. He barely knew me anymore, other than our letters and the few calls I’d been able to make.
He knew one thing, though, and that was my promise to take him out to ice cream, to get to know the little guy. Seven years old already, and still I didn’t know him. It hurt, but I knew I hadn’t been in the right place before. Now, I was. My sister had agreed to take me in, because she knew that when I got home, family would be what got me through. What helped me acclimate to a normal life, in a normal world.
She’d do anything for me, and I’d do anything for them. Anything.
I stripped and stepped into the hot water of the shower, closing my eyes and just standing there, letting it cascade over me. The steam rose up, smoking the glass, and as I washed I had a strong voice repeating in my head one thought—Damn, it felt good to be home.
Not my home, of course. But home enough. When I was done, I quickly shaved, took a long look in the mirror to try and remember who this man before me was. Those long, brown locks would need to go as soon as possible. I looked like a fucking hippy. The thought made me laugh as I dressed. My old, pre-temple self would’ve looked at current me with distain. But all in all, I was a better man now. One who knew how to reach within, to touch my inner core and find peace. That was all that mattered.
A door clicked and I heard laughter, then chatter. Deciding to have some fun, I quickly threw on some new clothes my sister, Lila, had left out for me. I snuck out and down the hall, walking with silence as I’d learned in the temple.
Titus caught my eye as I snuck toward the kitchen, but I held up a finger to my lips to keep him quiet. He gave an almost imperceptible nod and stepped back away from his mother. I rushed in behind my sister and gathered her up in a tight hug. Lila let out a surprised yelp, and Titus giggled happily. She whipped around to face me and gave me a playful smack on the head before jumping back into my arms.
When I released Lila, she turned to the coffee maker and made me a steaming cup. I smiled happily as I breathed in the smell rising out of it. The rich aroma told me the coffee was going to be exactly how I liked it. I never went for sweet and milky. I wanted my coffee bitter and strong, which, fortunately, was exactly how my sister made it. She grinned at me as I took my first sip and let my eyes close while I enjoyed the taste.
“No good coffee at the monastery?” she asked.
I snorted. “Yeah. That’s what inspired me to go spend three years there. If the monks are known for anything, it’s their barista wizardry.”
Lila laughed. There was lightness in the sound, but I could also hear a touch of tension. She knew the real reason I’d gone to the monastery. The letters I’d scrawled to her in my last days in the military had told her everything she needed to know. I’d written those letters as I lay in the field hospital, wondering if there was any point left in me trying not to die. There were many moments when it felt like it would have made much more sense if I did. After what I had seen—after what I had caused—it didn’t seem right that I was the one in the bed and Brian was in the ground.
“I’m just so glad you’re home,” Lila said.
“I am, too, and it’s about time.”
“Well, I believe you have a date lined up.” She took a sip of her coffee and gave me a wink.
I grinned, turning to the boy. “Hmm, I seem to remember saying we’d do something… What was it again?”
He looked up at me with a hint of bashfulness, but then tossed that aside as he said, “Ice cream. You’re taking me to get ice cream, and I’m not letting you back out of it.”
“No?” I chuckled, having not realized how grown up a seven-year old can be. “I can’t wait. After what passed for food at the temple, I could probably use some, too.”
“Our sisters will be here any minute—” Lila started, but I already knew where this was going.
“We’ll get ice cream first,” I interrupted. “They can wait.”
She pursed her lips, arching an eyebrow and giving me the guilt complex that maybe I deserved. The fact that she would be left with them and their gossip while I was having all the fun with my nephew didn’t bother me one bit.
We headed out and she helped put his booster seat in my truck and strap him in.
“Take longer than thirty minutes, and I’m coming after you two,” she threatened with a stern finger.
“Noted.” I revved the engine, glancing back at Titus and said, “Think we can manage?”
He simply laughed, and we were off, just the two of us.
“So, what’s your favorite kind of ice cream?” I asked, pulling around the corner onto the main street.
“Chocolate peanut butter.”
“That sounds really good. I like butter pecan.”
He laughed as if I was making a joke. “I’ve never even heard of that.”
“Play your cards right, I might give you a spoon of it.”
Seeing the old streets again was a major trip, and my eyes darted about with old memories. A girl I kissed in the alley behind that Chinese restaurant, an afternoon lounging with my friends outside of that convenience store. Mostly, my excitement over hitting up the old ice cream place started to boil up, widening my smile even more. I wanted to bring him to the little old-fashioned ice cream shop my sisters and I went to when we were kids. He had probably been there with his mother, aunts, and cousins countless times before, but it was my first opportunity to bring him.
“How’s school going for you?” I asked, figuring now was as good a time as any to try to break the ice and get to know him.
He shrugged. “Fine, I guess.”
“Do you have a favorite subject?”
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“Lunch.”
I laughed again even though I probably shouldn’t have. This was an opportunity for me to be influential for him. He just looked so sincere about his answer.
“That was my favorite part, too,” I admitted. “But I really liked learning about history and social studies. What about you? What do you like to learn?”
“I don’t know,” Titus said. “I don’t really like learning.”
“Aww, don’t say that. Learning is fun.”
Shit. I sounded like an afternoon special from the early ’90s.
“Well, sometimes Mrs. Barnes brings in word searches or puzzles for us to do. I’m the best reader in the class, so they’re easier for me, and sometimes I can help the other kids.”
“See? That’s awesome. It’s great to be able to help people.”
I fought against letting myself see the image of Brian in my arms as I tried to get him to safety. It had been so easy to ignore such memories back in the mountains, but here there were trigger moments, little things I’d see that would bring back sound or sight. Like the man on the corner waiting to cross with his dog—he looked like one of my captains out there. Damn, I needed to breathe, to get my mind right.
“Did you like school?” Titus asked, and I was glad for the distraction.
“Not always,” I told him. “But I knew it was important.”
“Why?”
“So you can do well and go to college and get a good job,” I said.
I might as well just keep up with the afternoon special. It seemed to be working for me.
“Did you go to college?”
Damn. Went right for it.
“No,” I said. “I went straight into the army after high school.” After a few moments of silence, I said, “Did you know that there were days and days when I wasn’t allowed to talk at all?”
In the rearview mirror, I saw my nephew’s eyes widen. His mouth opened for a few seconds before any sound came out.
“At all?” he asked.
“Nope. We had to stay completely silent. It was a time for us to think and meditate.”
“What else did you do up there?”
“A lot of gardening. I actually really liked that part. I didn’t think I would, and I can tell you, the first few days of it weren’t easy. Trying to maintain a garden on the side of a mountain isn’t exactly the same thing as growing one out in the backyard.”
“I grew a bean sprout in science class,” Titus piped up.
“Then you know what I’m talking about,” I said supportively.
He nodded, proudly. I focused on the road, but couldn’t help glancing back at him, thinking what a strong boy he was. So much potential, such a long life ahead of him. I wanted to open up, to tell him all I’d been through, but knew he wasn’t ready for that. Not at his age. My burden wasn’t one for him, or anyone else but me, to deal with. Fortunately, my issues weren’t obvious to someone just looking at me. The burns on my face healed so well you had to really know where to look to see the marks. My biggest scars were the ones on my back and down my hip. Those stayed hidden, and the constant physical activity and meditation at the monastery had helped me to get rid of the limp I’d had for a year after discharge. Now, from the outside, I could pretend none of it ever happened.
“Did you have fun in the mountains?” he finally asked.
I furrowed my brow, trying to think of how to answer that. “Not always.”
It was a simple answer, and I knew he wanted more. My eyes went back to meet his again, and then I was lost for a moment in the few seconds right before all hell had broken lose overseas, those few seconds when I’d looked back to see Brian, smiling, not a care in the world. He’d always known he was going to join the army, always known he’d go off to war and live the soldier life.
What had come next though, fuck if anyone would’ve signed up for that.
A clang sounded and I started, glancing around, feeling my hear pound. It was like I was back for a moment, but then noticed a motorcycle coming up close, a car swerving when it didn’t need to, clipping the one next to it, which spun and hit me.
Fuck.
I tried to get out of the way, but my palms were suddenly slippery, my breathing out of control. That’s when I noticed the semi headed our way, horn blaring. Titus was screaming. I was reaching to my side, as if there’d be a gun there, as if that could do a damn thing in this situation.
But really, the most present thought was another resounding, echoing, FUCK!
Impact took us, throwing us. The sickening crunch of metal and exploding glass. My eyes saw black and red, my mind spun. And then we were sliding across pavement, upside down. Others were screaming too, other cars crashing.
What the hell had just happened, I wondered as my vision took it in with bursts. The world slowed as I pulled myself free, trying to remember where I was. My ears were ringing, and everything seemed still and quiet around me. Chaos everywhere. The truck’s horn must have gotten tripped in the crash and was blaring non-stop. The high-pitched tone almost drowned out the sound of the screams. I did a quick evaluation of myself. My head hurt and there was a narrow rivulet of blood snaking its way down my arm from a scratch, but other than that, I seemed fine. I turned around to check on Titus, and my heart dropped. The back seat was empty. The door was wrenched open and hung in a twisted mass from the hinges. He must have been thrown.
My head spun, eyes searching. When I spotted him, my legs nearly gave out. His crumpled form lay on the ground a few yards away. Images burst behind my eyes. It was my decision to take Tatus, to trust in myself to be able to do something as simple as drive to the fucking ice cream place.
Just like it had been my decision what direction to go that night. That night Brian and I had gotten separated from the group and needed to find our way to the next stopping point, we should have just kept going the way we were. That was what Brian wanted to do. But I’d said no. I’d chosen a different way. It would be shorter, I’d said. It would be easier.
And I’d fucked up then, just as I’d fucked up now.
Screaming for help, I ran toward Titus and dropped down on my knees beside him. His eyes were closed, and there were flecks of blood on the eyelashes curled on cheeks that already looked pale. Blood seeped from his head, and one leg was bent beneath him in an impossible position. I wanted to gather him up into my arms and hold him, I needed to show him I was there for him. That no matter what, I wouldn’t give up.
In that instant, I could feel the weight of Brian’s body again. It all came back—the quiet of the path, the knowledge that we’d made a mistake, that we should have turned back. Fucking pride. I’d had my head so far up my ass, I had no idea how to admit I was wrong. Then they hit. An ambush, starting with an IED that left my boys screaming, that left me crawling across the dirt to find Brian… but by then the bullets were coming, his blood already feeding the dry earth.
I leaned down close to Titus, listening for signs of life. Anything would be enough for me. Even the tiniest breath or a faint heartbeat would mean he was still there, still clinging on. I felt the rustle of a shaky breath against my cheek and wrapped my arms around him. My eyes closed and my head pressed to his chest, counting his heartbeats and wondering what was taking the ambulance so long.
I tried to stay focused, to remember my training… but the screams of the bystanders around me morphed into the shouts of the men who ambushed us. The attackers had seemed to come out of nowhere and in a fraction of an instant. I collapsed onto Brian to shield him from any further attacks, but it had been too late. With a burst of energy, giving it my all, I had him up, charging out of there to at least save the body… to do what I could now I’d failed the man. The blood soaking into my uniform just told me to go faster, reminding me of the life we’d lost that day.
Titus’s blood spread across his shirt, changing it from a pure blue to a grisly shade of purple. My mind spun, my breaths came harsh, almost faltering as I panicked.
But no, I wasn’t going to let it happen. If he had any chance of living, he needed me. He needed me to stay calm, to be there for him. Filling my lungs with as much air as I could, I let the breath out slowly and turned my mind to the training I got when I was on the mountain. I looked inside myself. I gathered all of my control and focused it inward. Reaching back toward those mountains, my mind churned with everything I had learned. I forced myself to go back to the very beginning and to remember every stage and step, everything I had gone through to achieve each new level.
Finally, I felt my awareness sharpen. Around me, there was nothing. Everything was within me, and I was in full control. Something brushed against my cheek, and I opened my eyes, expecting to see someone standing beside me. Instead, I saw a flow of light moving around me. It was like magic, gliding over my body and slipping across my skin like silk sheets. Suddenly, the realization hit me: I was seeing the wind.
Looking closer, I noticed there was something else within the slightly shimmering glow. It was a figure. Though mostly a silhouette, but more like a form wearing a shadow. Judging by her curves, this was clearly a woman… of some sort. A demon? The devil herself? Glimpses of flesh, a scent of lilacs, and something even more sensual about her pulled me in.
The figure moved closer, and I saw another light form around Titus. The shadowy form was dragging it out of him, sucking it toward herself as she slid backward. Unlike the wind, this light was glowing green. The figure moved back again, and the wind swirled around, forming what looked like a portal. Titus’s life-force was draining from him, and the figure was stepping into the portal, taking his life-force with her.
I had to stop it.
I lunged toward the glowing portal and the shadowy figure of the woman disappearing through it. My body cut through my surroundings, still locked in the control of my meditative state. The people around me were barely moving, as if time had slowed almost to a standstill. I brought all focus inward and called forward the discipline I had been taught in the mountains to control my mind.
A flash of what looked like skin appeared among the transient shadow of the silhouette, and I reached for it.
My hand grasped through air, grabbing hold of the being. Using all of my strength, I dragged it toward me and back through the portal. However, a burst of power from the shadowy figure pulled me instead, and I felt myself leave that moment of reality and move through the glowing wind and to the other side.