Hiding behind a tree, Rudy spied upon Jessie’s house with his hand set against his mouth, nails bitten down to the quick. For a few minutes now he had been staking out behind this tree; he’d initially taken cover simply to catch his breath before proceeding, but the litany of anxious thoughts that’d followed had glued him to the spot before he knew it.

What made it worse was that he knew if he didn’t make a move soon, someone might catch sight of him and confuse him for a creep stalking Jessie; and labels like that had the effect of digging an early grave for whatever romantic future you may have otherwise had.

Fretting at the possibility, Rudy frantically sought for something to unfreeze his legs, something to alleviate his mind; and yet, he only felt it worsening the more he panicked.

Oh, Saviour, why did I come here to begin with? What could be worth recklessly risking my unborn kids’ lives for?

In a moment of clarity, he recalled then that it was precisely because Cal had asked, nay, begged him to do so, the memory causing a sliver of relief to slide down his gut and soothe the queasiness churning his stomach.

Yes, that’s right: I’m not doing anything suspicious here. Rather, I’m only here out of goodwill for my departed rival, whose last wish just so happened to be to tutor the dunderhead girl who I honestly quite dislike and typically avoid out of said dislike.

Interpreting it as an act of charity, Rudy sensed his legs momentarily unpetrify. He took advantage of this lapse in anxiety to force one foot forward, then the other.

Step by step he pushed on past the row of orange lilies in their front garden, and deposited himself on their welcome mat.

Faced with this daunting red door of solid oak, its knocker gleaming in the morning sunlight, he stopped and stared. The anxiety he’d beaten moments ago arose from the grave for Round 2: Electric Boogaloo; if he was to act, he’d have to do so at once before he started dithering and worked himself into another fluster.

And so – proceeding with what can only be described as reckless abandon – he grabbed the knocker and swung it up, then down; he even did so repeatedly for the simple reason that he, in this moment of electrifying debauch, had entered an adrenaline-fuelled state of mind that had transformed him into a thrill-seeker destined to overindulge himself.

It naturally followed that as the sound of knocking rang through the house, intense regret washed over him.

As if under a curse, he experienced a repellent force from the door that would have him run out of their front garden, race past any onlookers on the streets, and make a tactical retreat back to his house; whereupon he’d go up the stairs to his room, into his bed, and hide under its covers.

Unable to resist the door’s repulsive push any longer, his feet turned sideways to make good on his getaway when suddenly there was the loud click of a latch being released.

The door opened and revealed a woman in a hallway wearing a blank expression, as simple and prosaic a scene as a classical portrait and equally as moving.

Spellbound, Rudy stared at Jessie’s hot mum with a look of immense stupidity, his legs squirming slightly as he’d peed a little out of fright.

Jessie’s hot mum gave an apologetic smile and swung the door wide open to point at the metal latch piece. “Sorry for the scare. Our neighbour got burgled yesterday, so we installed this to protect our home. But you can hear it’s a loud, clunky thing.” Even as she spoke, her eyes were working on his identity.

Finally recognising him, Jessie’s hot mum raised one of her eyebrows in a quizzical manner. “Ah, you’re Melissa’s boy, aren’t you? Mmm, Rudy, was it? How’s she doing these days?”

“Mum? Oh… uh, um, she’s well,” Rudy stammered with great difficulty, wishing the ground would just swallow him whole already. Once more, his mind had gone blank, and he couldn’t remember any of the things he’d prepared to say.

Oh, Saviour help me, the silence is getting so awkward now. I need to say something, anything. “Uh, ma’am. I came here because…” Actually, why did I come here again?

“You can call me Auntie Jane, sweetie.”

“Yes, of course, Jessie’s hot mum—” He instantly slapped his hands against his mouth, which was agape in horror. Teary-eyed, he glanced at her for her reaction, expecting the worst, and saw her giggling with a tinge of blush on her otherwise sharp and severe cheeks.

“Oh, you little charmer. You’re in Cal’s year, aren’t you?” At his embarrassed nod, she continued amidst laughter. “I can tell – you’ve got a mouth as cheeky as him.”

Aha, that must be it: Cal must have prepared this as a trap when he had asked me to tutor Jessie. No wonder I’ve been feeling so stressed and anxious until now – that must have also been a part of that darned guy’s designs.

Which means there are likely more traps to come, intricately devised to appear like social blunders on my part when in fact he’s the one pulling the strings from the background. I shouldn’t have expected any less from my rival.

Now that Rudy had figured out Cal’s ploys, he felt his anxiety melt away: after all, this was a known enemy who he’d fought against innumerable times in the past.

Feeling far more assured, Rudy straightened his glasses with a slight smirk; he wished he could raise his spirits further by making a pose, say a full-throttled double-arm raise in the shape of a V alongside a resolute shout of unwavering will, maybe followed up by a thunderous beating of his chest to show his enemies the beast they were up against.

If only he still had his lightning mask – which gave a confidence boost when worn – he would have been more daring and performed the poses already… But alas, he had to restrain himself from acting thoughtlessly here; he needed to err on the side of caution, else risk the situation in which Jessie’s hot mum failed to grasp the deeper meaning behind his poses and found them funny instead.

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That had to be prevented at all cost, for his ego was weak against laughter-type attacks made by sizzling hot MILFs and would quickly crumble.

“Helloo, Rudy? Are you in there?” A slim hand waved in front of Rudy’s vision, snapping him out of his reverie. “Huh, you clearly are one of Cal’s friends, because you both zone out the same too.”

Friends with that position-stealing villain?! Never! But I’ll let her think that for the moment to ease my way in.

“Ah, that’s right, ma’am.” Although Rudy had dropped the ball over the last-minute, he could now see this was the perfect opportunity to recover. “I’m here about Cal, actually; I ran into him while he was leaving, and he got down on his knees and begged me to come here. To tutor Jessie, that is, and help her graduate, he said.”

“Huh, Cal did, did he?” Jessie’s hot mum leaned against the door frame, her expression pinched in thought. “I guess that does sound like something he’d do, although I wish he’d said something about it to me. Though I guess it could have been a last minute ask if he just so happened to run into you.”

A few beats passed before she addressed Rudy again. “Sure, I’ll happily take you up on the offer to tutor Jessie. Thank you, Rudy, for being so considerate towards my dumb little girl.”

“That—that’s alright, ma’am.” He was caught off-kilter having not expected such a swift response; in his storybooks, the gallant knight always had to pass tribulations assigned by the parents before getting a chance with their daughter.

“She’s currently out shopping with her dad. But if you come back in a couple hours, that would be great: she hasn’t touched any of her holiday assignments, so there’s a lot to go through.”

Rudy reflexively fixed his glasses. “Don’t worry, ma’am. I may not look like it, but I’m actually the top scorer in my year group.”

Jessie’s hot mum made no comment, so he continued with a voice inflection: “Uh… but what if she doesn’t want to study with me?”

Thankfully, Jessie’s hot mum did respond to this as she snorted and rolled her eyes. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure she joins you. The Saviour knows I’ve currently got my work cut out for me trying to raise her by myself, so it’ll be a relief having someone help out in teaching her.”

Rudy could have sworn Jessie’s dad – a bald gentleman, if he recalled correctly – was still in the picture, and in fact Jessie’s hot mum had just mentioned him being out with Jessie right now shopping. Rudy didn’t say anything about this, though, for fear of treading on her toes.

“Okay, then. I’ll come back later today.” Giving his farewells, Rudy tactically retreated having achieved his objectives, his heart striking thunderously against his ribcage all the while. Despite this, it felt like he was cruising on clouds, his body light and airy, his mood elated.

No wonder the Saviour’s teachings extolled the virtues of living your life in service of others, for he already felt this good from simply offering to tutor someone who he actively disliked… He wondered if he should perhaps change his dream future job from being an accountant to being a teacher instead.

Wait, no, don’t get carried away; focus on the here and now first.

He slapped his palms against his cheeks to bring himself back to the present, then considered his possible courses of action from here.

Argh, to be honest I don’t know how to proceed, because this is my first time being in such a situation. If only there was someone who I could talk to this about…

Wait, that’s it, he realised, clasping his hands together in a eureka moment: I should convene the war council and meet with my two generals.

There I can discuss with them a strategy for this upcoming battle, and their input will be useful as they’re sure to know Jessie better seeing as they’ve hung out with Cal all this time. Rudy chuckled. Well, no more, because they’re mine again: my not-so-loyal but still valued retainers.

And not just them but rather everything was going Rudy’s way now, confirming what he’d suspected all along: Cal really must have been the bane against my prosperity and happiness. Otherwise, why is it that the second he’s gone, things start going great for me again?

Feeling exhilarated by his thoughts and stoked to the core by his recent success, Rudy couldn’t help but scream and whoop in joy, raising his arms high in a V shape like it was his victory lap. He was about to end his celebration with thunderous beating of his chest when suddenly he felt the urge to go a tier higher, to commit a pose more daring and eye-catching.

And so, fuelled by his giddiness, he did a partial squat and had one arm drawn back against his ribs while the other pointed high into the sky – similar to the pose used to throw a javelin.

Then, channelling his lightning god persona, he proceeded to fire invisible thunderbolts into the sky, making spirited whoosh and swish sounds with each throw and imagining them landing many leagues away to devastating, awesome effect; usually he’d only feel confident enough to do such an epic celebration in public while wearing his mask, but he didn’t need it anymore now that he felt this good without.

Yet, in his excitement he’d made a major oversight in not paying attention to the passersby on the street, or at least that was the case until he became interrupted by a roar of laughter.

Glancing down the road, he saw a frizzy-haired blonde hottie belly-laughing, flushed and jiggling (her cheeks from laughter, that was, for he was a gentleman who refused to rest his gaze where a common rogue would). In her mirth, Jessie had dropped her shopping, and was pointing directly at him in case there was any confusion as to what had so tickled her funny bone.

Beside her, her dad was also cracking up, although in his case at least he tried to act mature about it by squeezing in a few words to his daughter – amidst chuckles – about how it was rude to point and ridicule someone like that; now, if you were to ridicule someone without pointing, however, well, that was another matter entirely.

Rudy, meantime, was petrified on the spot, his brain having melted down as this just so happened to be one of the highly unlikely scenarios he’d been dreading about earlier; indeed, it was as his favourite comic book hero Muse WRLD always said after being inevitably bitten by the latest femme fatale in the series: who knew evil girls have the prettiest face?

Half a minute of hilarity (at his expense) passed before it seemed the father-daughter duo had gotten it all out of their system; or so Rudy naively thought, until a heavily gasping Jessie took another look at his moping appearance and set off magnificently once more.

At times she even tried to imitate his poses: raising her shaking arms in an attempt to throw an invisible thunderbolt, only to limply drop them again as she was unable to hold their weight up in the midst of her howling.

Worse still, her explosive laughter triggered her dad’s as well, who – inspired by his daughter – no longer held back, throwing aside the rules of social decorum that he himself had been preaching about seconds before. Very quickly it became apparent where she’d learnt to laugh with such abandon.

Humiliated by their combined attention, Rudy’s head burnt up like a furnace. In his intense shame he didn’t notice until it was too late that his bladder controls had failed and released the remainder of its contents down his pants; the one saving grace was that he had dark trousers on, but even they couldn’t hide the dribbling from the bottom of his trouser legs.

And so, unable to sustain any further embarrassment, he ran for his dear life with tears streaming down his face and an indeterminate liquid trickling down his trouser legs onto the road. (He’d later go on the record to claim this was sweat trickling down as a result of how intensely he was sprinting, and not piss as established by malicious rumours floating around).

He only faintly registered the cutting voice from behind as he left, which sliced through the laughter with severe scolding. It almost sounded like Jessie’s hot mum, though it couldn’t be because he couldn’t imagine such fierce berating from a graceful woman like her.

And then he was gone, never to be seen again for as long as mean people existed in human civilisation.