Gerald never expected himself to be in this awkward position, around him in a wet alley was a group of early adults ganged up against him, they held knives and glared him down, his backpack was stuck against the wire fence.

Where’s the protection?

“Where’s the fucking money, JoJo? Where IS IT!” He said

What fucking money? You pieces of shit, if I had a gun I would blast you all. Gerald thought bravely.

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he stammered out; quite contrary to his valiant thought.

“You know what’s up, JoJo!” he shouted and the group took a collective step forward towards the stuck in a dead-end Gerald.

 I will punch the shit out of them and hope someone will help me. he thought.

“M-m-m m m,” He stammered unable to utter a word, his legs shook and his backpack felt like an anvil holding him in place.

“M?” Said one of the gangsters in the back. “MY NAME IS NOT JOJO!” he shouted; Gerald took a swashbuckling step and sprung his feet into a sprint against the groupies.

Time seemed to slow down for Gerald after his first feet, he thought I’ll probably die anyways, might as well die proud! Huh?

He huh’d a single time before his feet shuffled awkwardly upon hitting a pebble the wrong way and plunged against the ground powered by his own momentum and the sheer force of gravity.

Huh? Huh? Why am I falling? Oh yeah, the pebble huh.

He huh’d three more times before his head slammed the pavement curb and his existence went dark.

“Is he ok?” Someone asked.

“I think so, but, question, doesn’t he not look like JoJo?”

“Yeah… JoJo is tall and slanky, this is a kid, baggy sweatpants, white tee, brown hair, JoJo doesn’ even have fucking hair!”

“Uh oh” the gang said simultaneously

Thirty minutes earlier…

In his classroom, Gerald, was sitting on top of his classmate’s desk, an overweight nerd who nobody really liked except jojo and that dork girl.

“Ok ok. So you’re telling me, these retards, are actually gonna RAID area 51?” the nerd said. “Noooo~. Of course not, nobody is that stupid yeah?”

“I hope so… it would be really sad if that happened” the Nerd said.

“Imagine it, thousand retards running Naruto style across three miles of desert. That would be epic!” Gerald said, earning a chuckle behind him. There he was, the infamous badass and delinquent in Gerald’s class, Jonas Johnson.

“kid, let’s go, routine check-up,” said JoJo, Gerald had a frown on his face “Wipe it off shit-face, hurry the fuck up.”

The bully and victim walked out of the school area and continued on towards the closest ATM, in the shady part of town.

“one franklin and I would protect you for a week? Remember? You haven’t been beaten up once since we agreed on this.”

“Yeah yeah, thanks as always JoJo.” Gerald said – this again was very contrary to his thoughts – I’m not thankful, if I don’t pay you, you will beat me up. Gerald could never say this to JoJo’s face because he would obviously get beaten up.

Then they came, a gang, JoJo pulled on Gerald’s arm “Run!” so they ran towards the nearest alley, JoJo was fit so he easily climbed the wire fence, “Hurry up Gerald!” Gerald was weak, he never lifted a muscle and always sat out from gym. He tried to climb it but plopped his ass on the curb after slipping.

Then they came and Gerald killed himself.

“That’s pretty funny, don’t you think so?” “yeah… a little. But oh my god…” Gerald put both hands to his face.

“Y’know, kid. People use OMG and WTH, I don’t mind it at all that people use it, but when they are face to face against me, the big guy, yeah? Don’t use my name alright? Makes me feel all gawky.”

“Oh my god.” Gerald said.

The seated god, completely nude, well not that nude? Gerald wouldn’t say that god looked sexy or seductive, that might be because he literally mimicked a ken doll, one of those Barbie dolls without genitalia and nipples.

“Twice warned now Gerald of Earth.”

What happens if I said oh my god one more time?

“I heard that you, lousy kid.”

Does that count as three times?

“I don’t know? Want to flip a coin for it?”

“Oh my god yes!”

“Well alright then.”

A small white coin appeared in the palm of god, he threw it up.

“Call.”

“Tails.”

“A warning, if it lands tails I’ll ship you to another world and if it lands on heads I’ll still shanghai you, protocol really. Questions?”

“Is the world like a game? Y’know, one of those novels, I think it was called, icehay, or was it portal fantasy?”

“Yeah sure, I’ll send you to one of those worlds.”

“Two more, why is the coin taking so long and what is the protocol?”

“Magic,” god said and moved his hands ostentatiously up in a rainbow.

“Well the protocol is simple, someone dies, not expected to die? What do we do? Ship ‘em. one more dude dies? We ship ‘em too!”

“Well… the more advanced has to do with status quo, humans are notorious for they efficiency at breeding, so a world gets flooded to the brim with souls, some gets skimmed away by us, those that aren’t really meant to die and shanghaied to a crude world so it can get developed. Another warning, kid. Some of those worlds are real~ fucked up, I’m talking monsters that can annihilate a mountain with a flick of their finger or literal terrorists that want the worlds destruction.”

Gerald nodded in understanding.

“So I got no choice but to end up in one of those worlds right? Will I get anything with me to help me out?”

“If the coin lands tails, sure.”

Then it came down, god smacked his palm on top of the other hand and showed the coin.

“Tails, congratulations! You get two wishes.”

Alright, alright… I need to be prudent… two wishes… a grill and a large wiener would be cool

“Can I get a huge wiener? Make it all magical like, and…oh yeah! A grill, a loving grill that will always stay by my side! I never had a chance to experience love.”

If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

“…sure…” God was a bit speechless, why would a kid want a grill and a wiener? Everybody else wants power or super gear was what god thought.

“Alright boom, there we go, you’re all set.” God said, he snapped his fingers and then Gerald was in a forest.

What the fuck? Why the fuck would the transfer be like the infinity scene from 2001, is Kubrick secretly god or another reincarnated?

His body was stiff and he felt pinned down by a massive weight, Gerald opened his eyes to a camel colored mass that blocked his vision from the surroundings.

He shifted his body so he could remove his arms and push the large thing away from himself, he couldn’t yank it completely out under it but he managed to wriggle his hands free, he touched the large camel thing.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SOULBOUND YOURSELF TO SUPER WIENER?

“Yes yes yes! Just get this fucking thing away from me!”

THAT DIFFERS FROM WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SOULBOUND YOURSELF TO SUPER WIENER?

“YES! JUST MOVE THE FUCKING WIENER!” he shouted

Wiener? Why would a wiener be on top of me… wait… no… it can’t be, really?

CONFIRMED, SOULBOUND TO SUPER WIENER.

SUPER WIENER:

LEVEL 1 (0/200)

ATTACK DAMAGE 200

REQUIREMENTS: OTHERWORDLY AFFINITY

MINIMUM 100 STRENGTH TO WIELD IT PROFICIENTLY

SPECIAL:

SUPER WIENER HAS HYPER REGENERATION, YOU CAN STUFF YOURSELF TO THE BRIM OR CUT IT IN HALF AND IT WILL REGENERATE COMPLETELY BY THE END OF THE DAY, NOTE: ONLY A SINGLE EXISTENCE OF SUPER WIENER IS ALLOWED, NO DUPLICATION.

SOULDBOUND TO: GERALD THE OUTWORLDER CHEF

A chunk of a status screen popped up in azure with a tint of transparency.

Uh oh… Alright huh… Status?

GERALD THE OUTWORLDER CHEF

LEVEL 0 (0/200)

STATS:

STRENGTH: 18

VITALITY: 16

WILLPOWER: 23

INTELLIGENCE: 22

MAGIC: 5

SKILLS:

N/A (REACH LEVEL 1 TO OBTAIN A CLASS)

COMPANION:

CHARCOAL GRILL LEVEL 1

“Fuck… Move… you stupid fucking hot dog MOVE!” Gerald flapped his body and wailed against the enormous wiener to no purpose, the hot dog was stuck and glued to Gerald’s body.

Status, souldbound, it’s like a game so I have an inventory right?

“Inventory!”

INVENTORY:

SLOTS 24

FILLED SLOTS 0

OPEN SLOTS 24

“Move SUPER WIENER to inventory.”

The huge wiener disappeared from Gerald’s body and he could finally view his new place in the world, it was magnificent, in a dark way. He was in a forest, but alas, it was not one of those mega large forests a fantasy world had, instead he sat on mud in a swamp forest, vines hung from trees and frogs croaked.

He took a view of his surroundings and reverse alas, he had an optimistic view of the new world, a new start from scratch in a world of swords and sorcery.

Gerald moved around, stretched his body and took a few pugilistic moves he self-taught from watching old-school kung Fu movies.

“That hit the spot! Wow, a new world, adventuring, banging and of course, loot!” he laughed.

SOUL COMPANION WISHES TO APPEAR, DO YOU ACCEPT?

Huh?

“I concur you, sweet magical voice.”

A flash of light and a searing pain embedded itself into Gerald’s stomach and expanded further into a blinding light.

From the depths of Gerald’s stomach came a black and round metallic object supported by a tripod.

It was a grill.

“Uhm… inspect?”

CHARCOAL GRILL:

LEVEL 1 0/200

STATS:

N/A

DURABILITY 200/200

ABILITIES:

N/A

SKILLS:

N/A

LINK: GERALD THE OUTWORLDER CHEF

NOTE: SOUL COMPANION TO GERALD THE OUTWORLDER CHEF

“An actual grill…. An actual fucking grill.” Croaked Gerald.

“I… …never expected it would be literal. God, why have you forsaken me?”

“AND WHY AM I FUCKING NAKED?”

Gerald fiddled with the grill looking for the specs of this bad girl, it was just a regular ol’ charcoal grill. Next up for Gerald was not being naked. He looked around looking for anything that can cover his pecker, he saw willow trees and in the sky background several giant trees. Gerald couldn’t use the willow trees so he bet that the giant ones could cover him up good.

Gerald felt like he had no use for the grill so he left it there, he grabbed a stone for marking purposes so he could find his way back to the grill. His voyage to cover himself up started.

He walked, marked trees and avoided wet spots. His gaze was subjected to repeated movements up and down to make his bearing for the closest giant tree also keeping watch from danger.

Prolonged walking made his feet hurt, his feet adjusted to walking with shoes and socks with no calluses, did not enjoy the feeling of bare mud, sticks and stones. This wasteland with no grass nor bushes was not delectable to his eyes.

He ventured on for 20 minutes before a howl screeched from a distance; his whole body got goosebumps. His first instincts were to hide, but behold, his own stupidity that this was a game world made him brave. Gerald took out his hot dog from the inventory by screaming, yes, screaming, “INVENTORY,” Gerald pressed his hands against the inventory slot carrying his hot dog and it appeared in front of him.

Gerald in shock remembered, by seeing the huge wiener, that he couldn’t even move it away from his body. Imprudent decision.

Another howl emerged, this one closer; Gerald was now panicking, he had nowhere to hide except at the side of a willow tree. He ran towards the nearest tree, forgetting his wiener left behind.

He noticed them sniffing the hot dog suspiciously, then the grey spiked creatures started wolfing themselves full of saturated fat and mystery meat, the dozen or so monsters chomped and fought for the meal of their day. Gerald stood deathly still trying his very best at hiding, the monsters didn’t seem to notice him or they did not mind him.

The spiked left and Gerald emerged from behind the very thin tree that didn’t hide shit from the creatures. The creatures had eaten their way inside of the massive wiener and hollowed it out.

Hyper regeneration right?

Gerald approached the hot dog and went down on his knees to inspect the regeneration; it was slowly rebuilding itself.

Can I upgrade it to have poison? If I poisoned the creatures, I would probably level up.

Gerald continued his short trek after storing the hot dog back in his inventory. He assumed if the hot dog regenerated while inside inventory then he could also assume food rotted.

On his walk to the tree the only thing worth mentioning was a felled tree completely soaked in blood, Gerald was totally not frightened.

He finally came to it, a tall giant; in retrospect it was a bit foolish to leave the grill alone and go to the tree.

How in the ever loving fuck am I supposed to climb that fucking tree?

The tree was colossus, you could fit into the ridges of tree bark and still have room to spare. The closest branch Gerald could reach was at least 100 meters into the air (for American readers that’s 330 feet), and the retrospect was that he had no way to climb it.

But he had to, if he ever wanted to not be nude he would need to climb it and pull of a leaf or two to cover himself up. At the same time a minor scheme was planned.

Of course his own stupidity leads him to realize that plan couldn’t be executed with his poor stats.

He would take several leaves and tie them up with willow branches, what a genius plan.

Gerald had to try and climb the tree, he would try and find something else to do. His pecker was very cold and tried to retreat itself back into a man vagina, so he held his balls and cock in a DYI heater, aka, his hands.

The cold was not the only cause, Gerald might have been feeling a slight inferiority complex from giant.

Now that Gerald has decided, he would go back to the grill and just spam a bunch of willow tree branches on himself. Or find a fresh carcass and use its skin. But then came another thought How the fuck do you made leather?

Gerald is stumped, he has no clue what to do, he only has his massive wiener and a charcoal grill, which is completely useless to Gerald as he does not know how to cook. Why the fuck am I called Gerald the Outworlder Chef? Stupid world.

Gerald slumped back to the charcoal following his tree markings closely. On his journey he spotted four more tree logs dripping with blood or a form of red liquid.

Upon returning to the stationary grill he noticed a problem, it was gone, vanished by the musky air.

Wait.

There is tracks, Gerald just has shit for perception. First of all, he was hungry.

He took out his hot dog, placed it on his legs - it had healed - and started ripping into it with his fingers, digging deep and gouging out a large chunk of hot dog festered with pre-rendered fat.

He took a large bite and exhausted a moan through the stuffing of wiener, he had been so hungry, walked for several kilometers and finally managed to settle down to eat.

Soon he was finished, he stored it back and climbed to his feet. He had to journey to find the filthy grill stealer. “Those damn chads” he muttered to himself and chuckled slightly at his pity joke.

The tracks led in a straight line, sometimes wavering bypassing trees but still on a track, almost like a homing device had stolen it.

So he ventured on, he walked and walked until his feet started heaving aches of pain. The sun was setting and he was afraid, he was alone. Completely alone in this world of unknown shit that would tear him apart at the moment he gave in. Which he concurrently did, he laid himself down by a fallen log and dozed off, exhausted.

He awoke to huge tremors right by him, a beast was lumbering over him, a massive giant of green flesh.

Gerald was right under it. Soon a slit in the green mass opened and a very pink tendril came out from under it. Well, you can expect what happened next. He was showered in a very bright crimson color that was warm on his body.

“That explains the fucking red logs, fucking giant pissing on it! FUCK!” he screamed.

The giant let out a screech and ran, fast. Gerald bounced as the giant ran.

Well, now he was nude, missing a grill and now soaked in crimson piss. Hopefully this piss will be beneficial to keep monsters back, or something like that.

He rose and continued following the tracks. Not long after he found a stone entrance into a small hill that continued down a slope of stone and dirt.

You have entered the dungeon of Mild Blues.

Fuck is that name sense? Blues as in sad, color or music? Gerald thought.

Gerald is now snapping at nothing, he was tired, tired enough to dive into a dungeon without any gear if you except the piss and wiener.