Amari's phone buzzed and he quickly checked the notification. Raewyn wouldn’t make it; She was working again. Meanwhile, Aki was unusually quiet, probably dozing on the bus window home.

On his monitor, he saw through his peripheral vision, an orange blaze lit up twenty metres ahead.

His eyes flickered from his phone to the screen. Concentrate. He licked his cracked lips in nervous anticipation.

Guns fired all around, Amari kept his ears open for the slightest sounds of footsteps and his eyes peeled exactly on his reticle. He rushed down the corridor knowing death was around the corner, or would come leaping from behind.

“They coming on any time soon?” Nawfal asked, his voice crackling with distortion from his crappy, old mic.

“Soon. Aki is running on Aki time.” Amari replied, his voice crispy and clear as was the sound of his sniffling nose. Pollen season.

“It’s been an hour.”

“Plenty of time to warm up.”

Amari turned the corridor. Empty. Amari spun his character back around. Click. Bang, bang, bang, bang!

Amari couldn’t see Nawfal grin but he could hear his chuckle and words, “Got you!”

Amari faced a black screen and a respawn timer.

“I shot you!” Amari whined. “I got a headshot.”

He had shot, spraying and praying. He’d clipped a body hitbox.

Amari spawned back in as the game timer ran out.

Nawfal won nine kills to four.

“Fuck.” Amari cursed.

He cursed in good spirits, nothing like a little competition.

“I’m rusty.” Amari made excuses for his performance.

“GG. Send her a message.”

Aki popped online.

“Speak of the devil.”

Amari’s girl, Aki, didn’t usually want to play shooters, but he had managed to convince Aki’s friend Jess to play. The light of his life, Amari’s only issue was trying to bridge two parts of his life: his friend and his girlfriend. Until he did he would remain divided trying to be both friend and boyfriend.

There were far worse situations for a teenage boy on the cusp of adulthood to be in.

Jess flickered online.

Nice.

“They’re on.” Amari told him.

“Finally.” Nawfal said, and Amari could picture him rolling his eyes.

Amari shot off the party chat and game party invites.

He read the message pop up on his tv screen that Ninja4sword has joined the party - Aki.

“Hey babe.” Aki murmured through a loud yawn.

“Hey.” He replied. “You get out from shift okay?”

“You didn’t read my messages?” She asked. At the start of their relationship he would have felt accused and put on trial. He’d learned to trust his judgement of Aki. She was chill unlike his ex.

“I did. I replied didn’t I?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Have you eaten?”

“Yeah mum had made some sushi. Had it when I came in.”

“Ah cool.” He smiled. “We’re just waiting on…”

Skullducker666 has joined the party.

“Jess!” Aki exclaimed with excitement.

“Aki.”

“We’re playing a shooter.” Aki complained.

“I know. Good break from raising my Gardevoir’s level.”

“You been out?”

“No. The Fosters don’t mind so long as I come down for dinner.”

“What did you have?” Jes asked.

“Sushi.”

“Same!” Aki said with excitement.

“Cool.” Jess said (well) cooly.

“Yeah Mum made some after my shift at the chippie.”

“How you do school, boyfriend and work? I don’t know.”

“I just do.”

“Enough chit chat. We ready to play?” Nawfal butted in.

“Let’s go.” Amari said.

He pushed the button on his controller and started their matchmaking. They chatted while searching for a public game.

Match found and they loaded into choosing the map - plane.

“Oh, no.” Nawfal moaned.

“S**t.” Amari cussed.

Plane an iconic location, but one of the worst maps to play in.

“Looks like we are going snipers.” Jess said.

“Yeah.” Amari agreed.

“If we are attacking.” Nawfal added.

“You know?” Aki asked.

“Saw it on the clock app.” Jess explained.

Luck was on their side. Aki internet disconnected and they left the match to wait for it. So, they tried again and this time got near equally as bad of a map - Sapphire Fort.

Loaded in and they were the attackers and chose their characters for the first round. Then the map, locked into Sapphire Fort and thirty seconds later they were droning in.

LIttle cameras on wheels drove through across the grounds and into the fort itself.

“Drones are boring.” Aki moaned.

“I like it. You get to look round the map.” Jess countered.

“Suck-ass map. I hate Sapphire Fort.” Nawfal complained.

“I know.” Amari shared Nawfal’s vibes.

Amari saw the boots of the enemy and drove his drone towards the objective. A black, static screen covered his tv before he could see the bombs.

“I hate drones.” Amari.

Luckily he pulled back his drone before it was muted.

“Hate the operator, not the drones.” Nawfal bit back.

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Typical of him. Always on someone else's side.

“Hate them both.” Jess added.

Nawfal laughed.

“Fair.”

Amari drove his drone down the stairs and then to the other side of the map and up again. He found the objective, “Upstairs.”

“No surprise.”

“Basement is pretty cool.” Jess said.

“Can’t defend it. Too many entrances.” Amari told her.

“So?” Jess questioned.

Amari and Nawfal didn’t answer. Silently, they shared the same value that drove competitive spirits - having fun means winning.

Not that winning is all that mattered. GG either way. But losing is bitter and winning is to be savoured.

Drone time ended and the true match began. Amari had set his drone up in a nice position by the bomb. He’d have eyes on anyone inside the objective.

Following a clock app strat, Amari followed behind Nawfal as they climbed up a set of outer stairs and towards their usual window breach. Nawfal threw down a drone and scouted ahead.

Amari paid a little attention to Aki and Jess. The latter followed the former in through the main door. They were likely to die, but at least they weren’t all attacking at the same point.

“Cav, in the room by the red stairs.” Nawfal called out.

“Got it.” Amari replied.

They breached in. Checking corners just in case. Nawfal flashed and Amari aimed his shotgun and blasted Cav to death. 5v4.

At the same time their teammate went down.

“Fool, rappelled straight for the objective.” Nawfal said.

“Dumbass.”

Like all combat, if it had worked out their teammate would have been a hero. Not that they would ever admit to it.

“No!” Aki shouted.

“Dumb game!”

Aki died.

“Where?” Jess asked.

“Don’t know.” Aki replied.

3v4.

Amari and Nawfal carefully ascended the stairs checking the angles. No one. They climbed up and reached near the objective.

Jess waited stuck on what to do on the other side with Aki dead and their teammate down. It was a 3v4 for the bomb objective. 1 minute on the timer.

Amari flicked over to his drone cam. Too much at stake to explain cams to Aki. He pinged the enemies locations.

Nawfal shot through the gaping holes in the walls: blasted apart by shotgun rounds. Kill and kill again. He went down as the third one reacted in time to score a headshot.

Jess sprayed and prayed. Kill.

They won.

“Nice kill Skullducker.” Nawfal said over mic.

“Why’d you call Jess skullducker? She has a name?” Aki asked.

“She prefers I do.”

“Since when?”

“After I Saturday with the bullies.”

“After the WHAT!?”

“Yeah the…”

“Nawfal.” Jess cut in. “She doesn’t know.”

“Right.” Nawfal said.

“What is it I don’t know?” Aki asked, her voice pitched high and angry.

“It’s nothing.” Jess said in calm monotone.

Amari wondered if she really was calm.

“Jess went out. Me and Nawfal were meant to meet her. I was running late. Jess was early and ran into some drunks from the other school. Nawfal got there.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing.” Jess said again.

“I punched the one attacking Jess obviously.” Nawfal said as if violence was a normal reaction.

Amari panicked. He felt his heart hammering, a hard and fast pounding beat that he could feel in his chest and weirdly in his ears. He struggled to think. Teen as he was, he had plentiful experience with Aki to learn not to blurt out the first dumb response that came to mind. She’d liked a thoughtful, honest response gently given; if not Nawfal level of bluntness. Amari liked giving them.

What to do? The secret they’d kept from Aki was coming up. Jess had tried to go out. Jess had been trying for Aki. She’d never admit it though. The reason her fosters parents weren’t minding and giving Jess space. The worst had happened. The unlikely worst, but luckily Nawfal hadn’t been running late. Nawfal hadn’t failed Jess like he had.

Nawfal was good at many things. Being sincere and telling what was on his mind is one of them. Inevitably the secret would spill.

“No one said.” Aki pointed out with righteous indignation. Amari would have felt the same if he was the only one in the dark.

“Cause I told them not to. Didn’t want to make waves.” Jess explained.

“Make waves!” Aki said with a raised and hurt voice.

“It’s not about you, Aki. I was going to tell you when I was ready.”

Jess' truthful, and all-too-valid words inflicted silence on the group. Amari still couldn’t enunciate any words. It was like the tense situation between his friends strangled his ‘self’. Willpower couldn’t burn in his space where the very air had been constricted.

“Sorry.” Nawfal said.

“Nah. Right on CrochCrusher.” Jess said.

“You okay to play, Aki?” Amari managed to force out his mouth.

“Yeah.”

She wasn’t judging by the stream of back and forth messages she was sending his way. But, she pretended she was for Jess’ sake. Amari doubted Nawfal cared all that much. Felt a bit awkward maybe.

So much for a normal game night. Always some kind of drama.

They lost the next game. All of them were distracted by their chat. Everyone but Aki had gotten some kills. No one raised it.

“Another?” Nawfal asked.

Amari and Jess waited in silence.

“One more. I’m a little tired though. So just one.”

“Sounds great, Aki. Rest is important.” Nawfal replied.

“Thanks.”

Amari sighed in relief. They were getting on. Some people thought Nawfal was being sarcastic when he said things like that, but he was a sincere guy. He meant it.

They played again and this time in hotel. They won. Their joy, however, was soon brought low.

A message pinged into Amari inbox. It was from a recent player.

“Go kill yourself.” The message read.

Amari had to swallow that one. He brushed it off at first with a chuckle.

It meant nothing and cut deep. The pathetic cry of a stranger, but the intent caught him by surprise. Amari reasoned that the stranger likely didn’t actually want him dead. But, they did want to hurt him. What sucked was that it worked.

The words made him think. Were they right? Did they know something he didn’t? Or perhaps guessed at something he did feel? A declaration whose intent gave it authority. Mere letters loomed in my mind with the strength and enormity of a titan.

The cutting words hit at the wrong moment for him. Impressively and brutally they formed a metaphorical thorn pointing, stabbing into his pumping heart. Having served his spine, his own attention on himself broke his back. The message ‘go kill yourself’ wrapped up and became him, and with a broken back the weight of his himself bent him backward to the extent he forced him to eat his own shit.

Amari was an Ouroboros of self-annihilating, shit-eating suffering. He had never been taught the rather obvious solution to just take a breathe and distract his attention away from this downfall.

“What’s up?” Aki asked over mic.

“Got message from one of the past people we played with.”

“What they say?” She asked.

“Nothing.” He tried to brush it off.

“Some hurt ass whining no doubt.” Nawfal filled in. An attempted save and nudge for Amari to spill. Bastard played both sides in one sentence.

“Haha, you’re right.” Amari said and hoped it would be left at that.

“Like what?” Aki, ever curious and with only a few mean bones in her body, asked.

There was silence. Amari felt compelled to answer and confess.

“Go kill yourself. The message said.”

“WHAT!”

“Typical.” Nawfal sighed.

“Fucking loser.” Jess said over the mic. “Wait I just got one too.”

“Don’t open…” Amari began.

Their friend Jess, who could be a little intense at times and enclosed in her own world. Not a more loyal companion or avid fan of pokemon.

Amari, however, had convinced her to come on and play the shooter. Now, this has happened and to Jess. Everyone knew she had a troubled past.

Amari laughed (trying to diffuse the tension) over the mic, “What?”

“The Sloth guy, whatever their tag is, just sent me a message to go kill myself.” Jess explained.

“Fucking loser.” Everyone in the party repeated. They all also shared a side-eyed glance along with their barbed words, not that they ever knew what with playing online.

“They should just go and fucking die.” Jess cursed.

We were silent for a moment in the aftermath of her break in composure.

“Forget it, we all get killed. It’s the game. Lose with some grace. Better to type GG than to send toxic words like that.” Nawfal eloquently said trying a bit too hard to be profound.

“The guy is making a dig at you. It’s cringe.” Aki reasoned.

Amari smiled, not that anyone could see it, he forced it across his lips like he was slicing a sandwich into triangles. No one really saw his sandwiches, and he preferred his uncut, but he did it anyway. He made them look proper, ordered and correct. He made himself smile.

Another way of looking at his smile was akin to an act of murder or self harm. He sliced open a body and out of poured blood. It is one thing to practise smiling to generate warmth and relaxation: an act of self defence, security and esteem. Another to brutalise yourself into the act.

“Cringe for real. Pissant.” He said.

“Couldn’t couldn’t lose with dignity.” Nawfal added.

“Just say, GG.” Amari said.

It seemed the person had enough after sending two messages because Nawfal and Aki didn’t get them.

Amari’s jealousy and insecurity, a slimy green if tiny goblin sitting on his chest, wondered if that was because they were better than him and the foul stranger knew it. Stupid thought, but he could no more stop it than he could stop the wind.

His smile dropped. He had just wanted to have fun with his friends and girlfriend. He gritted his teeth. Now anger, fear, sadness and shame churned within him. It wasn’t his fault and yet he knew shame for having it happen to him that it was somehow his responsibility to have bothered the stranger enough for them to want him dead.

A distorted logic Nawfal would have said.

Aki would tell him not to worry about it that she was always on his side.

Amari yearned for her warmth right then.

He should die. Amari regretted the thought as soon as it was born. He tried to abort it, but it had already birthed. Amari was its unwilling parent. A more mature and compassion person would have the skill to care for this thought. A shame Amari was a teen with the emotional skills of an addict craving their next fix.

So, he buried the thought and suppressed his feelings of distress.

“Another?” Amari asked.

“One more then.” Aki allowed.

“Let's go for the win.”

“Kill’em all, slaughter their loved ones and burn the fucking remains.” Jess growled.

“Ha, maybe not that far.”

“Fine.” She said with mocking tones.

“Remind me not to piss you off Jess.” Nawfal commented.

“She’s a rose. Once you get past her thorns she’s so much love to give. And all of it is mine.” Aki boasted of Jess.

“I’ll try and not get pricked then.”

They went silent and focused on the game.

Amari wished he could but with drifting thoughts worried and his frustration grew and grew intensity and size. He fought with bitterness and self pity that poisoned him as surely as cyanide if a far more slower and softer kill.

Before I continue on so miserably I ought to say that he forgot about the message in a week’s time.

Fortune lifted Amari from a painful fate. The teenager not being a too heavy burden for wings of chance and his social network mended any emotional wounds.

How did he end up forgetting the message? Meeting Aki’s parents. The dread of it purged any other worry from his mind. Fear of them, along with relying on Aki’s compassionate warmth for support (and the clumsy friendships with Nawfal, Jess and Raewyn) bore a new feeling. Amari to think a greater fire would suck all the air out of the casual contempt of an online stranger.

Amari how sorry we may be for you to go through the assault course that is meeting the parent. You lucky bloke to be so loved. Your woman’s world has saved you. You’d be a fool to be anything but grateful.

While it made for a less interesting life, the new feeling of trust made a far happier one.