I’m scrolling through the web, looking for a new game, something different, something which allowed me to nurse my new antisocial tendencies in peace without some chucklefucks or hackers ruining my fun. Unfortunately, it seems like there’s nothing quite right for me, until I scroll across this one ad for something called ‘Gacha Doorkickers’. If there was one thing I knew about Gacha games, it’s that they were pay-to-win style games that wave pretty waifus in your face so you’ll shell out, which is actually a pretty genius racket, come to think of it. No thanks, I think I’ll steer clear of the temptation to commit bankruptcy today…

As I’m left staring into the endless void of shitty games that are remakes or continuations of other shitty games that happened to sell well, I feel a familiar hopelessness take me, and that’s where Satan himself must’ve planted a terrible thought into my mind, because I began to grow curious about Gacha Doorkickers. After all, as far as gacha game premises go, any form of doorkicking struck me as a very unusual premise for such a thing. I decided to go and look up a review.

As it turns out, I was completely wrong about Gacha Doorkickers. It’s actually not free to play at all, as it was on sale for $25. Apparently, it was a VR only experience that featured some of the most advanced AI possible, and even allows you to build personal relationships with your team members. How they managed to pull such a thing off, I’m not sure. It’s probably just overhyped trash, right…?

Well, looking closer, it was also functional as a VR FPS, so it looks like I could get some enjoyment out of this, if I tried hard enough, and at this point I’m feeling pretty desperate, so… fuck it, why not?

Before I know it, the game’s already finished downloading. Time to go in and give it a try.

[Booting NeuralPatchwork-OS...]

I find myself staring at one of the kill houses I’d seen pictures of before; lots of wooden walls, no immediate roof, and very little in the way of furniture. I’m actually at the entrance to one of the kill houses, in what looks like a normal hoodie and pants. Honestly, I don’t feel so tactical right now. An indicator arrow appears on the floor, steering me away from the kill house for some reason. I obey the arrows, walking past solid concrete walls and into an armory room. I open one of the lockers to find a menu for gear, but the only one unlocked was a surplus load bearing vest in woodland camo, but I’ve gotta hold magazines somehow, so I begrudgingly pick it. I’ve seen these before; they hold four mags and two grenades, and you can usually get vests like these for under $50 at surplus stores. Thing is, it’s not that much of a vest, as it doesn’t even cover my whole chest, much less stop bullets.

They’re gonna make me work for the good shit, aren’t they?

I pick up the vest from the actual rack and put it on, clicking the buckles and moving over to another locker, this one labeled for rifles. It pulls up another menu, as I pray for a nice M4 platform gun as my first weapon-even a simple A1 would make me quite happy. Turns out this world has no god, because the only selection is a plain old AK47. I select it lamely and pick it up from the rack; it’s heavy, ugly, and just a little bit awkward. At least they gave me a two-point sling for free, though.

I turn around and see a figure, dressed in a wolf gray tactical jacket and pants contrasting against a solid black chest rig and BUMP helmet with a pair of tactical earmuffs on. Looking a little closer, it’s a woman, about my height, with a suppressed P90 on a sling, with flowing gray hair and a pair of red eyes staring from behind a pair of clear ballistic goggles. I mean, she’s kind of hot, sure, but more than that her outfit, and her entire vibe was as dark as my soul. Am I allowed to marry this woman?

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She takes the cigarette out of her mouth, letting out a gust of smoke. “I take it you’re the new recruit here, then.” She stared back at me, probably checking to see if I was undressing her with my eyes, to which I can only reply, ‘maybe’. “My name is Griffin. Follow me.” If she saw me as giving her a lewd look, she didn’t care at all, but I’d expect nothing less from someone so wonderfully dark.

“Why are your eyes red? Are you a vampire? ‘Cause if so I’d totally let you suck my blood.”

Griffin lets out a wry chuckle. “I don’t sparkle in direct sunlight.” She glances at me, a smirk flashing on her face for but a second before swiveling her sights back to the path in front of her. “You’re staring at my ass, aren’t you?” She sticks her cigarette in her mouth again.

I felt myself blush. Now listen here you little shit, you’re not supposed to be the one flirting like this! At least, that’s what I wanted to say, but I didn’t even care, I was so taken by her energy. “Well, it is a pretty nice ass.”

She pulls her cigarette back out, exhaling a smoke trail that lagged in the air behind her. “Well, you can go ahead and keep staring, because it’s always gonna be out of your reach, recruit.”

I coughed at the secondhand smoke she left behind, thankfully stopping me from responding any further-and probably embarrassing myself. She soon stops outside one of the kill houses, stopping by a closed door. “So, this is my tutorial mission?”

“About that-do you know how to pull a trigger?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know how to use a select-fire switch?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know how to chamber a round?”

“Yes.” I try pulling back the charging handle on my AK, but it’s stopped by the safety lever. I flick it down and then try again, checking to reveal there was a round already chambered.

“Good, so maybe you’re not a complete lemming like some of the other recruits I get sent. Anyway, your first task will be to clear out this simple building. Three enemies inside, have fun.”

I eye up the door, ensuring my rifle was on full auto. I then open the door, spraying the first enemy I find, a sloppy hail of bullets working their way across his chest as he fell over, accompanied by a shockingly loud series of reports-apparently they were more serious about their realism than I thought. I turn to see a door open to my left and spray that guy as well, feeling a bullet fly by me as he let one shot out before he fell over. A third enemy rounds the corner in front of me and I whip my muzzle back around, spraying across his body… except my gun runs empty. He’s been hit once in the stomach, clutching his guts, but he points his pistol at me all the same.

I fumble with the pouches of my LBV as I hear multiple rounds fly by me. The fourth round hit me, then the fifth, and the sixth, each one accompanied by a surprising amount of pain, interrupting my train of thought entirely. I don’t get to hear the seventh round fire off.

My vision goes dark and then I reappear in front of the killhouse. The door’s closed again. I check my mag and my chamber to find them full. “Y’know, that’s not terrible for a first-timer, but you spray like a fucking insurgent.”

“If they didn’t want me to spray, then why hand me a gun with trashtastic sights?” I take the time to shoulder my AK and look for the sights, eventually finding the irons as I heard Griffin chuckle in the background. I then line up and open the door, immediately spraying the area in front of me… only to find that there was nobody there this time.

I hear gunfire from my left and turn to face it, only to find a round already in my shoulder. I’m barely able to dispatch him with a burst before the door previously to the left of me and now slightly to my right opened, as the second enemy opened fire on me. I turn to face him and we nail each other, feeling a searing flash of pain in my chest before it fades to black and I find myself in front of the kill house again.

Griffin pulls the cigarette out of her mouth, letting out another gust of smoke before laughing at the air. “Oh, you should’ve seen the look you had when you realized the guy wasn’t where you expected him to be. I guess I forgot to mention this, but enemy locations are slightly randomized.”

I huffed, actually feeling rather embarrassed at the whole situation-but I wouldn’t be giving her the satisfaction of showing it. I inhale, and exhale, before spraying into the wall next to the door, watching the rounds tear through the wood before stepping to the door, kicking it in as I heard rounds being fired at the holes in the wall. I see nobody immediately in front of me, so I turn left and nail the first guy, then turning to the second as he’s already wounded, taking him out as well with another controlled burst. I turn back to the corner, as the third suspect runs around it, turning his gun on me as I walk a line of bullets up his chest, watching him fall onto the ground, dropping his gun on the floor. “Is that it?”

Griffin walks in the door behind me. “Yeah, that’s it.” Griffin drags at her cigarette one more time, before letting out more smoke. “I’ve gotta admit, you actually learn pretty quick, and that wallbang spray was pretty clever, if executed really poorly. What perhaps impressed me the most is that you didn’t even get stuck in the fatal funnel like most of the recruits I get handed.”

“So, what next?”

“Your choice, but for now I’ve gotta go.” She drops the cigarette before walking out and around the corner. I’m then shown a success screen, telling me I’ve passed the basic breach qualification course-and a choice between the headquarters tutorial and the firefight/unit tactics tutorial.

Two more tutorial levels? Fucking hell, this is exhausting.